Camellia

I want to die. But i know i wont die now. The feeling wont go away either. So i just stay here in DF to comfort me. Reading peoples posts in here, helps to comfort me.

Yes i feel the same way. I dont belong to the family.

Im nof sure if it can. But readings posts in here helped me including your's.. I feel better knowing that im not alone with this. Even though the death thought is always down there in the mind. Besides reading posts in here, i also keep busy with work, a routine job. It help me to run away from my reality.

I'm angry with myself right now. I dont know how to remind myself not post anything to my family group in the chat group. If I am a somebody with high position in the office like everyone in the family is, they will respond to the post. I'm so angry to myself. Now I remember, someone here told me they are not my family, they are just relatives with same flesh and blood. Family dont treat other family like this. I must run away to other country so that I can forget them completely and tell myself that I'm actually alone.

Why bother is not the right word. I dont know how to say it. Its kind of "me with my own world".

@hendricksbrock Is it because nobody really care about you in real life. That answers are just the sake of anwering or maybe you were trying to make yourself happy by answering that way. Or maybe because nobody care about you, you dont know how to answer to people in real life. I relate it that way because nobody care about me (family)., so why bother. I don't know how to answer or to say to many things in real life. I remember, in school, my schoolmate said "Dont say that" after I said something to someone who was sad. This situations happened to me couple of times. I was actually trying to support or to comfort the person.

@EDO Im sorry you are feeling this way. I've been looking at your post and read it few times. I don't have any input but I can feel the sadness each time I read your post. I hear you.

@mikeb6901 Sorry about the job. I hope you'll get another job soon. Maybe the job search engines that are many on the internet can help you. Just exchanging my humble thoughts with you. I hope you will get one soon. We are here with you.

@Cent Sorry u are feeling this way. Other people are not able to understand it. Im glad your mum will accompany u to the therapist. I'll get scared each time my mum raise her voice. I'll be quiet and my heart will be beating fast. I dont know if this is panicking. I cannot even open my mouth to defence myself because I was so scared. I hope yr therapy session can help u with this.

@FerryJerry Im so sorry u hv many things happen in yr life right now. Money, partner and health. And all these makes u feel that u want to die. I have no answers for all these. But I am here with u. I can feel people's pain. When I read your post, I can feel the pain, maybe not all of it, but I can feel some pain when I read it. You have us here as your family, to listen to your pain, to accompany you when u are so hurt. You are not alone.

@Cent I can relate about wanting to sleep during the day so that you will less awake. I also can relate about wanting to be in the room. I have that issue too most of my life. It will make us feel no motivation, including the gym even though you have a membership for that. I go out because I hv to go to work. You want to go out for some eating out but your parents are busy. This can be a cycle to make you feel worse. Sounds like the class you mentioned can help to make you to go out from yr room. If you dont go out it will make it worse. Its all move in cycle..

@Devlinkyla I dont know the answer. Maybe because we are still in this world. We have to do things that we need to do to live in this world even though its not what we want.

@JD4010 So sorry you are having money issue right now. Sorry I dont have any answer but im can hear you and I can relate to your pain. You are not alone.

Hi @Cent Just tell your grandma everthing that you want to tell, everything about how you feel. Whether she want to accept it or not, it is beyond our ability to control it because we cannot ask people to believe us. Whether they accept it or not, you hv tell her everything about how you feel. If she cannot understand or cannot accept it now, she will be able to understand it later, as time goes. You said your mum wants you to tell so that all these things that is happening will stop. We cannot afford to stop what is happening, unless people accept and understand our explaination. When you have explained to her about why you dont want to stay with her, that means you have tried to explain. But explain in nice way so that she dont get hurt. I know you are hurting too. I told my mum i hv job offer in the city in another state. I make that as an excuse to run away from her (I really got the job). I was trying not to hurt her. I cannot say I cant stay with her because that will make her upset. Im scared of my mum. With your dad, you can say Hi Dad and smile. If he respond well, you can continue talking like How are you. If his respond is cold to you, you just smile and go, hang around with other relatives. You already greeted him to show that you are his son (his family). In my family, any child who ignore their parents and other family members, that child is a bad child and when they die they will go to hell. I hope you keep strong. We are here with you.

I want to sleep and never wake up . I dont know how to do it.