Camellia

@Rattler6 Thank you for your advice. I have this problem since elementary school. I'm not good at school like everyone else, even though I try very hard. They are ashamed of me with the neighbors because my family are well do in school and university except me. My family is respected there in the neighborhood because everyone do good in studies. I often hear from family members that we are a respected family, we must do good. I didn't ask or made myself to be stupid. Thank you for reading and your advise. I'm sorry for my grammar and writing.

@Atoms Contemplating Atoms I understand what you are saying. I'm so sorry this happened to you. After this before you press "submit reply" button, you may want to copy your post on to your notepad, so that if this happen again, you can copy from your note and post it again. A long post may take a while to type and the system may have consider you as no longer online, and you have to sign in again. Maybe I'm wrong, but I had experienced the same thing like you do.

@Bulgakov Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it so much. I don't know what to do. I always want to take the good side of it and forget about other things. So I joined the family group text. But when I text almost hardly any respond to it. If other members of the family text in, there's always responds to it and other members will join in further. I feel so hurt. Thank you again for your advice. I will try harder not to text, but only once in a while, just to keep relationship as family member, so that they don't ignore me completely when we meet in family gatherings. I can't absent myself from family gatherings, because I will said as bad child, and bad child will be in hell. I'm so hurt. I'm scolded and they raised their voice to me as they pleased as if I'm so stupid. I'm so hurt. Thank you again to you and others for reading and to allow me vent in here.

Why I never learn my lesson. Family group chat was busy back and forth, everyone responding in the group. I want to join in. So I joined the conversation, group text with them. After I posted my text in the group, the group stopped chatting. I can never learn my lesson. How do I make myself learn my lesson. They are all people with Phd, with Master Degree, with high career positions. I know my thoughts may not up to their level to make conversation with them. This happen again and again and again. How do I make me learn my lesson. This is one of the reason, why I'm waiting for my last day everyday, so that I don't have to go through this again and again. If I don't join in, they said I'm the one that distance away from them. If i joined in, there's hardly any respond. I'm so hurt. If I completely distance away with no contacts whatsoever, because I don't want to get hurt again and again, they say I'm a bad child that forget and ignore the parents and family and my place will be in the hell. Thank you for reading and allowing me to vent in here. I don't know how to learn my lesson. I'm so hurt.

@ChrissyNoelle I'm sorry you are feeling down. I'm just the opposite of your's. At 18, I moved out (or rather ran away) from home because I have family problem. I wanted to go before 18 but I dont want to be caught by police and return back to family. I work with a small salary (no working experince), just enough to pay my rented room and some food. My situation is not the same with you. But I just wanted to share how I made the first thing at 18. Maybe it can give you some ideas (about the working part). Long story short, I got other job couple of years after that, able to pay fees for my part time class and got my diploma. I hear you. I can relate to how you feel (about feeling down).

@sad in grand Rapids I'm glad to hear that you are happy now after such a long time.

I accidently read 3 motivational quotes today. After reading them, I don't feel anything. I just keep blinking my eyes for few seconds try to get something from what i've read, but nothing happen. I have become apathy.

@jammydogger "I don’t think I will win this fight." I can relate quite well with this. Its tiring to keep fighting. Walls are closing and meds are not helping. Talk to the therapist may help to loosen up a bit. I have talked to them in person and on phones. It helps. I can continue working at least until today. It may not able to help completely but it can enlighten a bit. I don't know if I can overcome depression, but it can loosen up a bit. Keep posting in here. It helps when we talk to the same people like us because they can understand.

@paratus Im glad you reached out. People here are nice. DF has helped me a lot. We can relate to you. Do you have family problem or health problem or other problem. Hopefully we can help.

@Logan Sims I can relate to you about the growing urge. And I believe you. Im glad you talk it over in here. I just want to let you that you're not alone. I heard you and I can relate.

Im tired. Im very tired. I just wanna sleep and never wake up. I'm waiting for my end day everyday. Im very tired.

@lostsoul65 Sorry you dont feel well. Im glad you have a dog with you. I hope you would go for the trip that you are planning to go. You deserve it.

@Floor2017 Thank you. So nice to know that there are other people who know how it feels. Thank you for your advice about One day at a time. It helps. Hugs you back.

@Devlinkyla I hope you are able to talk to your doc. I can understand what you are saying about ' Whats the point '. ' Im just done'. Sometimes things can be very hard that we dont know what to do.

I feel sad these 2-3 days. I cant find any reason. My work is as usuall, nothing different, I did my routine job as usual. I can't get rid the thought of death for myself after reading the last post of our friend in here. Everyday I'm waiting for my last day.