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Everything posted by BennieEddie

  1. Hi everyone I hope you are well and safe. I come from a dysfunctional background. Growing up around abuse. Sexual abuse. Physical abuse and mental abuse. Surrounded by really unhealthy people. Forming and attaching to some one sided relationships. Whether that was with my family members, friends, partners - any form of connection with people has either been one sided or just toxic abusive connections. These type of relationships despite of making it me feel low valued and non loved. Because I grew up around these connections. I usually form these type of relationships when growing up, it's what I've ever known. It's what I feel safe with. In the process of it, I am a fearful person. I am scared of close connecting with healthy emotionally avaliable people. Makes me feel uncomfortable. I tend to keep away from two sided things. I usually only feel comfortable toxic two sided things. I have been in love with two men who were highly emotionally unavaliable. I became the pursuer even after the relationships hit a brick wall. Where a secure person would walk away from something or someone who wasn't valuing her - I held on. Couldn't let go. I am quite reserved. Quite closed off. Highly empathetic towards others. I can care for others but I won't allow anyone to get too close to me to care for me. If I feel someone is about to get close, I feel suffocated. I feel scared. I feel unsafe. I don't show vulnerablity. When I have a bad day, I usually feel low and unworthy. I tend to reach out to toxic people whom makes me feel unworthy and unloved and that familar feeling soothes those same feelings I am already feeling. It's what I call emotionally self harm. It's a reason why I refuse to enter a relationship with anyone, I don't want anyone to deal with my toxic crap. I'd rather sort myself out and be emotionally avaliable before entering any relationship. I have been in therapy since September last year to help to address some of these issues. It's taken a long time to start opening up to my therapist. To feel safe. To feel okay about being vulnerable. My therapist is a wonderful, kind and caring human being who cares greatly about her work and her clients. Since recieving therapy with her, she has taught me to work on my own self worth and self care. Thanks to her and this forum, I have walked away and let go some of the unhealthy people in my life of whom I have held on too for a very long time. Every week, she says a lot of powerful and encouraging words. Thanks to her, I've managed to start being kinder to myself and to start feeling worthy. I've worked on healthy relationships at work with my colleagues. I have opened about my abuse. Our therapy session this week, I felt I had opened up a lot. Still continue to not look after myself in areas. My therapist quite fondly and pointed out, I am a worthy person. I am important. Those were the first words said at the beginning of our session. That encouraged me to open up and share. She frankly pointed out, that she feels she can connect to me sometimes and other times, I back off and put up a wall. Then she doesn't feel connected. I thanked her for being open to me. This has hit a nerve greatly. Because this is a huge barrier for me which is why I don't form healthy relationships. This is the killer. I don't know what a healthy relationship is. I don't know what it feels like. I don't feel safe with it. I feel great when I connect with people at first and then the fear steps in, then I back away. My relationship with my therapist is the first one I feel someone is truly listening. Has good intentions. Caring. Wants to help me. When I come away from our sessions, I feel worthy. That's not what I'm used too. Someone is begining to remove the bricks from my wall. Can anyone advise on what a healthy relationship is? Looks like? How to trust others and let down your wall? I don't have a clue!
  2. Hi everyone, hope you are safe. I had a friend who was also my ex. We split up two years ago. We used to work together as well. My friend suffers with depression and a high level of anxiety. Is a loner. Cares very much about his friends. In December 2018, When I left the job, another colleague left as well. We were his social group as well. My friend was such a lover of Facebook. This was his main source of connection to friends he doesn't see in person. I noticed after I left, his facebook friends list started to decrease rapidly. He was removing a lot of friends so quickly. Four months after leaving the job, our friendship contact decreased rapidly as well. If I rang, texted or sent him FB messages. He wouldn't reply. It did hurt massively. He was a friend and most likely because his my ex, I valued our friendship and wanted to maintain contact every now and again. I was invited to a mutual colleague's party in April last year which I attended. The next day, my ex deleted our mutual friend from FB due to not being invited to the party. Obviously he was upset. I maintained contact but again rarely got a reply. When I got a new phone and a new number, I texted him my number to which he texted me back under one minute to thank me. The next month, I invited him out for a drink to which he replied back saying, no thanks. I was really hurt with this response. But I accepted his reply. The next month, I began to feel drained by the lack of replies back from my friend. After seeing him share a post on another friend's wall, I got so hurt and angry and deleted him off my facebook friends list. I sent him some hurtful messages saying how upset I was. How much I had enough of getting no replies and how he has lost another friend. He had another friend who ended their friendship around ten years ago to which he was very hurt by. He often asked about her through mutual friends hoping she would reconsider the friendship but she never returned to the friendship. After I ended our friendship, I felt bad with my reply. I sent him another facebook friend's request to which he declined. I rang him to which he answered the phone. Didn't speak but listened. I was so shocked that he had finally answered the phone after months of not answering his phone or making any contact with me. I stuttered with words and a few moments of silence, he hung up the phone. Over the next few weeks, I tried reaching out. Phone kept ringing out. I sent him a birthday card in July but he didn't make any contact with me. I left it a few months and saw him in the street. As soon as he saw me, his face was filled with anger and pain. I tried to talk to him and he kept saying he didn't want to talk to me. He even lied by saying his now with a new girl. He doesn't want to be friends with me nor wants to get back together. That after I left, I had said goodbye and that was it. I was really hurt but respected this. Somehow in the back of my mind, I felt he was deliberately saying this to project his pain on to me. He knows the things to say to get back at me to hurt me. I spoke to a mutual friend who assured me he hasn't met anyone and is currently remaining as a loner. In fact, his become even more isolated. I reached out to inform that I am working in his neighbourhood and we can friends and hang out. He read the message but didn't reply. I later found out, he removed another close friend of his in November last year after they didn't invite him out for a group meet up. I knew him doing this, was drastic. He was always the person who wanted to maintain friendships and would get incredibly hurt with the thought of losing his friends. To go from that to now, easily cutting off friends - was huge. Four months passed and I saw him in the streets in Feb this year. As soon as he saw me, he displayed anger again and displayed paranoia (most likely from being socially isolated). I sent him a facebook message to inform how I was and how happy I am in life. It came up as seen but he didn't reply. I understand his maintained facebook contact by sharing posts on the other colleague's wall. Now with this cornavirus, it made me realise how precious life is and how anyone can die or get hurt from it. This prompted me to reach out to try to make one final attempt as it may make him realise how life is too short to hold grudges. If anything good can come from this, we can patch things up and be friends. I sent him a message and advised him not to hold any grudges. Find it in his heart to forgive. That I was sorry and I really want us to put things right. I even informed that I would send him a friend's request which I did but cancelled due to fear of rejection. I'm not sure if I would be able to handle that pain. He saw the message again but didn't reply. I'm not sure on whether to re-send another friend's request and see what happens. I was even willing to send a message with some banter. Heaven forbid, if something happened to either one of us, I'd rather know I have tried but not sure. I do miss our friendship. I do believe he still cares. He hasn't blocked me on facebook. He still reads my messages and has my mobile number still otherwise why else wouldn't he answer his phone when he sees it's me. His a very highly sensitive soul and holds on to grudges for years against people who have hurt him. Any thoughts?
  3. I rang my friend two days ago and his personal phone went straight to voicemail. I left a message. When his personal phone is off, I know it's his way of needing space. This evening, I rang his work phone and it rang out about five times before going to voicemail. I sent a text requesting if we could talk? But no response. I think it's plain to see, he still needs space and I'm going to respect that. So I shall back off. At this moment, I have tried to make amends and now the ball is in his court. I shall get on with my life and remain focused on my recovery.
  4. From what it appears, it seems his in a better place in life now. So reaching out now may be the right time to see how he would respond - it would be great if his able to answer the phone for us to talk. I'll do my best. I want to at least try everything I can to see if the friendship can be saved. Cuz at least then, I can safely walk away and say I tried. I gave my all. That would be closure for me.
  5. I have a question that’s been in my mind for a while now. With so much of the avoidants’ behaviour being pulling away, I wonder how do you have a fair argument with someone who is avoidant? If you can’t talk to them or that is sort of my impression so I need some clarification on it. How do we actually have disagreements? Cause disagreements happen in all kinds of relationships, so I’m curious. In my personal experience, as a friend I reached out to the introvert DA whom I was texting quite a few times back from Jan to May this year. Most of the time he dismissed and ignored me. He did reply back quickly within one minute after I texted him with my new number. to which he thanked me for letting him know. I believe at the time, he was going through his own emotional pain with rejection with his friends which resulted in him deleting around 20 friends from his Facebook page. I did reach out and offered emotional support and each time, he ignored my texts. Until I saw him sharing a post on a mutual friend's Facebook wall, the AP in me triggered and went into overdrive. I take full responsibility for my actions. I felt so rejected and hurt that I deleted him off from my Facebook page. Sent him a text and Facebook message wanting to hurt him back. I said some nasty things like cutting contact and how i will never contact him again. How I am fed up with constantly being rejected and ignored when I am only reaching out to be a friend. How this would be a second close friendship he has lost due to his inability to have close relationships. Although two days passed. The anger decreased a bit and I began to question on whether I had over-reacted. So I sent him a Facebook friend's request which he declined. I rang his phone to which he knew it was me but still answered the phone. Although he didn't talk, he just listened. I was very shocked because I wasn't expecting him to answer. So when he did, I stumbled with words and it became an awkward silence. Then he hung up the phone. Rang again three days later and the phone rang out. It's been almost two months and I have taken a huge step back. I've not reached out. This is the longest time in the whole two and a half years in knowing him. Mainly to give him space. Mainly to work on my own recovery. This experience has truly been a learning one. It has made me look and wanting to explore about the DA style and about my own AP style. It has made me wanting to reflect and wanting to make positive changes about my own triggers and with how my reactions are. I think, with now learning about the different attachment styles - this has helped me to reflect and respond with compassion and understanding better. This is a friendship which I care and value deeply about. I would like to aim or at least aim to try to make amends. At least if I could try to get him to talk to me - that would be a start! I think the DA in him keeps me at bay especially as I'm the kind of person who prefers to talk and deal with conflict asap to prevent any resentment from happening if things hasn't been addressed. I deeply regret on how I responded and do feel my reaction could have been a lot lighter. It's my friend's birthday towards the end of July. I would like to use the opportunity to try to reach out. Any tips, advice or techniques that has helped you with arguments or conflict with a DA or AP that you could kindly share? How have you managed to respond or deal when the DA retreats? How have you managed to re-connect with the DA after they have retreated?
  6. What is the best way in trying to resolve conflict with a Dismissive Avoidant if they refuse to listen to you and they shut down? Especially if you told them you no longer want anything to do with them i.e no contact and no friendship. But you feel bad because they hurt you which is what resulted in you cutting contact with them. How can you reach out and try to make amends?
  7. How do you focus on motivating yourself to stick to a diet especially when you're going through stress. I'm struggling to fight the urges of wanting to turn to junk food as a coping mechanism. So difficult!!
  8. Hi everyone So I have a new job which I started back in March (last month). It's working in mental health but the Forensics side. This is a new side of mental health which I have little knowledge of the criminal justice side. The first month of the job was induction. I am really happy with the pace of the role. I have been lucky to have been given the chance to train, shadow and get to know the role. The major part of the role is based in the community supporting clients with MH issues. The service is voluntartly. So the client's have the right to decline support from our service. I was given my first client last week. The client declined support. So I closed the case. I took this very bad as I felt quite hard on myself. Thinking did I explain the service right? A few colleagues have encouraged me to not to be hard on myself. It happens and a lot of the client's do decline support from our service. However, I have been given a new client. Again this client answers the phone and asked me to phone back later on today. Which I did. I left a message on the client's voicemail with my name and contact details. As of yet, the client hasn't returned my call. My TL encouraged me to text the client tomorrow as it's still a good sign the client is engaging by answering the phone. But this client has a history of non engaging with mental health services. I am feeling incredibly anxious with taking on new clients as majority of their case is to do with the criminal justice. I have little knowledge. I feel quite anxious on keep phoning my Manager to explain certain things. I'm starting to feel they are getting annoyed with me by keeping asking basic things. I don't want to be seen as someone who is anxious and is not performing well. Someone who can't use their own initiuative. Gets scared and is constantly on the phone seeking for help. I'm reading their reports and hearing a lot of different words and about the criminal justice which I am struggling to understand. To top all that off, I am also feeling anxious in case another client doesn't engage. It may look bad on me as two client's are not engaging. I don't want this to affect my performance and they end up sacking me as so far, none of my clients are engaging. I am feeling really negative, anxious and helpless. Any advice?
  9. I really appreciate your comments and replies. Thanks for not judging me. I've deleted this person from my phone and FB. Life is too short for pain. I know I am worth so much more than that. I need to work on my self esteem issues.
  10. Update So I got on with my life. Decided to just move forward. In a new job which has increasing helped me to focus on a more positive life. Made me realise my self worth was more. I was surrounded with positivety. I even got a new phone and new number. This week, I saw my ex at the bus stop. He saw me. Said hello and walked past me. Two days later, on my facebook newsfeed. He posted up saying his deleted seventeen friends off his FB within the last three months. Me being stupid and caring. I texted him from my new phone informing this is my new number. Within a minute later, he replied back thanking me for my new number. He ignores my texts for months. Doesn't reply. The moment I text him with my new number. He sends a reply back within one minute later thanking me for my new number. I then ask him about meeting up next week. Tells me no thanks. Then I ask him about whether he wants us to remain as friends? He's reply back is "sure, if you want too". As soon as I point out - I just want a friendship with him. He ignores me. Why go from blanking me for months. Then thanking me for my new number. Then refuses to meet up and then ignores me again. What kind of pathetic immature crap is that?? Gosh I am so pathetic.
  11. Hi All Hope you are all well. I left my long term job with my old company in December 2018. Most people knew that I was leaving to start a new job in a new company. So I started the job after 18 days. It was a really bad job. (I posted a thread about it previously). I wasn't even willing to stick it out as I knew it was the wrong job. Thankfully I have savings so can cope for a while. So after I left I got straight on voluntary work. This way, I can prevent any gaps on my CV and I can stay busy and motivated. I love working. I decided to leave that job off my CV as I don't feel it's revelant to my career. Anyway, since starting voluntary work - I am really enjoying it. It's really good. So I do need to start looking for paid work which I have been. I have offered a lot of job interviews. I have been applying for jobs within my last company who I left in December 2018. I haven't added the new job on the application forms either. However, one role I did apply and got an interview for. The Team Leader knows me and knows I left to start a new job. So when I attended to the interview, that Team Leader had spoken to the Contract Manager. As soon as they both came into the interview, the very first question they asked "why did you leave our company and now coming back. Tell me about that". I found that a bit intimidating but I guess it's a natural asked question to ask. So I told them that I left. Started a new job and it wasn't the right job for me. I didn't want to paint the new employer as bad because I found it didn't look well. But I could see this manager in the interview didn't like what I was saying. Then she looked unimpressed when I informed I left that job. However, seemed to accept that I am doing voluntary work. So then my P45 came through the door this morning for the new job that I left. It details the date I just left my last employment. If I leave the new job off my CV and application forms. The P45 for future employment will have details off the employer that I voluntarily quit with. So my questions are: 1) Is it okay if I leave my new job that I have just left after working for 18 days off my CV? 2) If I do, how do I explain my reasons for leaving my new job especially when applying for new roles especially within my last long term employer? (It's unstandable they may ask why I left and now coming back just after one month ago after leaving) 3) If I do leave off my new job off my CV. How would and can this affect my P45 for future paid employment? 4) Is it better just to keep my short term job on my CV and future application forms? - Just anxious it will prevent me from getting a paid job
  12. Hi All I'm going to refer him as M. M and I dated on and off for one year. Became friends then started seeing each other again. M is an introvert. Has depression and anxiety. Scared of commitment. Many people feel he has aspergers. His always been hot and cold in our relationship. Put the barriers down as soon as I wanted our relationship to progress. As soon as I got close and began to fall in love with him. Which he knew I did. He swore we would never get back together. Seemed to highly resent the fact that I got to close. He would say hurtful things towards me whenever I tried to communicate and try to sort things out. Just kept pushing me away. Put up a wall around him. It hurt seeing him like this as he stopped going out. Hid away in his shell. He started to become his own enemy. Everytime he was around me. He resented me and made it known. Stopped replying to my texts. Stopped hanging outside of work. So one day, I thought telling him that I don't love him would make it easier for him especially as he seemed to resent the thought that I love him. Made things worse. He held a grudge towards me for it. I couldn't seem to win either way. I was leaving for a new job. I decided to be open and tell the truth about my feelings. I was living in denial if I wasn't been open. On my final week of leaving my old job. Things between I and him seemed to improve. I finally decided that having a friendship with him was more important than having a one sided unhealthy relationship with him. I informed him that I am happy to have a friendship with him. It would be great to meet with up every couple of weeks to hang out. On my last day at work. I and him agreed to go out for a drink and meal. When my last day came, he rang me and bailed out going for a drink. Informing he wasn't feeling better with having a cold recently. Informed he has given what I said about meeting up and maintaining a friendship some thought and he would like to meet up in a couple of weeks to go out for Sunday lunch. Kept referring me as mate and laughed numerous times. I felt we had patched things up and things would get better. A couple of weeks passed. I started my new job. I didn't hear anything from him. No texts. No phone calls - just nothing. I texted him to ask how he was? But I got no reply back. I left it but later saw him on Facebook. I sent him a message but he seemed fairly distant. Not wanting to talk much. So I reminded him about going out but he didn't answer me. I had noticed his facebook activity appeared less active much less since I left. A week later, I texted him him on his work phone wishing him to have a good week. He replied but not much. On Thursday this week, it was my 30th birthday. My sister shared a post reminding people about it. When it came to my birthday, he didn't even text me to wish me a happy birthday. So I texted him reminding that it's my birthday. He replied 90 mins later saying "have a good one"........ I was a little upset but got over it. I would have thought us being friends - he could have at least texted to wish me a happy birthday. The next day (last night) the whole team met up for leaving drinks for the contract manager at the pub. As soon as I and he saw each other. His face lit up. He appeared extremely happy to see me. Offered to buy me a drink. We both hugged each other. I was feeling a little anxious but I kept my cool. When I got up to head to the bar, I caught him looking towards my direction smiling. As soon as he saw me looking, he quickly looked away. He commented on wanting to share the same table I was sitting at to which he did. I sat down and started talking to previous work colleagues. I observed him quite a lot. He appeared very quiet most of the evening. Seemed like he had gone further into his shell since I last saw him. It took a while before we started to talk - me and him. He asked me how the new job was going? I informed him about what has been going on. I then asked him how he was? He didn't speak much. I asked why has he been quiet in terms of not getting in touch especially as we had agreed to remain friends. I also enquired as to why he hasn't replied to my texts when I have texted him. He informed he knows but wouldn't talk about it. I informed that I would love to see him outside of work. Please not to shy away to which he promised he won't anymore. After that conversation, he went to put on his jacket and leave. I persuaded him to stay. To which he did. One of our colleagues sat next to us and asked me about my birthday? I informed I went out with friends. My colleague looked at M and asked as to whether M had gone to celebrate with me. I asked my colleague why would they think that? My colleague informed they know and anyone can see that M and I are close. I informed my colleague that it took me to remind M that it was my birthday to which my colleague jokingly said to M. "Oh M, why didn't you text and wish a happy birthday". At this point, I was drunk. M looked slightly drunk. Twenty minutes later, the room got louder. When trying to talk to M, he kept asking me to repeat myself as he couldn't hear me. So I went to move my drink over to his and as soon as I got up to sit next to him in order for him to hear me. He grabbed hold of his jacket and went to run out of the pub. I enquired as to why he was rushing out. I was completely speechlous. I didn't know what in the world just happened. He came back in to say goodbye to a few colleagues. I saw him come back in and tried to find out what the hell is going on? To which I followed him around the pub as he kept on trying to run away. Colleagues saw his behaviour and tried to figure out what was going on. To which he informed he needs to go and then left. I followed him outside of the pub to which he asked me to leave him alone. I kept asking him what is going on? To which he said to me, "You need help. You need psychiatric help. You really do. You need therapy. Just f*** off and leave me alone". To which he walked off and I stood outside the pub. He walked back to me and said, "The police are going to be on to you". Then he walked away. I managed to sober up but remember everything that happened. I'm incredibly shocked and confused as to what happened. I won't be contacting him again. Maybe someone can explain but I'm extremely confused.
  13. Hi. No. It's not related to my old job. But my old employer knows what I left my old job for.
  14. I didn't add it on my application form though. But if comes up in possible interview. I'm happy to explain.
  15. Hi guys. Many thanks for your replies. Much appreicated. My old job is now up being advertised. I have applied for it. When it came to the application form. I didn't add the new job on it as I felt it was short term and not revelant. I had only been in it for two weeks. Although my old Team Leader at my old job knows I got a new job and left. She knows I have left my new job. Does it matter if I didn't add the new job onto the application form for re-applyinf for my old job back?
  16. Well I did approach my old employer. I contacted HR and my Team Leader. I was informed I would have to re-apply for the job when the advert comes out. In the meantime, my TL is going to ensure I come back to do bank work with my old service. I've also resigned from my new employer.
  17. It's all good and all to want to look after overs, but you need to think of yourself first and for most. Thank you both for your replies.
  18. I started a new job around ten days ago. My work experience and knowledge comes from mental health background. This new role includes outreach human trafficking. A subject I have zero experience and knowledge on. I took on this new role as it offered better salary than my last job. No weekend working and proper office hours. So I felt it could offer a better stablity whilst I study outside of work preferrably in the evenings. I was informed new staffs are joining due to the expansion of the service. On my first day, I was so overwhelmed by the amount of information thrown at me. I ended up being sick during my lunch break. The second day, I was asked to shadow someone. This role includes outreach in all parts of London. So it will include meeting with victims of human trafficking. You meet with them in local places. You give them money and support them whilst the home office makes a decision. I was overwhelmed to learn that each worker gets given a payment card to withdrawel money and has to carry around a lot of money for the client's. It's quite a huge responsibility as when giving over payments to clients in public places. This can make you a target for someone to rob you when they know and watch you with money. I have been shadowing different people. The worker's have a background in working with this client group in their previous roles. They have the experience and knowledge and do their work really well. These client's - there are a lot of challenges that I feel so unqualified to deal with. Client's can't speak English. Client's don't have proper housing. Client's don't have GP surgery's. All the worker's seem to have the knowledge and experience in supporting the clients. When they get given new client's, they know the right questions to ask. On my third day into the new role. I was allocated a caseload of 15 clients. I began to feel incredibly overwhelmed and shocked to learn the fast pace with wanting to throw new staff into the deep end so quickly without having the revelant training. 15 client's I have been allocated - some can't speak English. Some are pregnant. All need money. I feel incredibly out of my depth. I don't have the experience nor knowledge in supporting them. I feel so overwhelmed with just having 15 clients thrown at me at just my third day into the new job. I have also learnt due to the paperwork overload. People are staying much later after they should be working. Staff whom are contracted to work from Monday to Friday are in fact coming into the office on their weekend off just to complete their paperwork. Management are aware of this but don't care. I feel so disgusted and not impressed as this can cause staff to burn out quickly. Staff who are working over their hours are not getting paid for overtime. Instead they are just allowed one toil day off per month. The client's I have taken on - I was shocked to observe their previous Support Worker has given them their personal number to keep in contact with them. The worker has done everything for one particular client to the point this client is phoning the worker up and becoming to clingy. I pointed out to the worker boundaries are needed. We are to empower the client's and not do everything for them. I have now being left to pick up the pieces of bad habits to the previous worker has done to the clients. That's pressure I don't need. I spoke to my manager about how I am feeling. She was incredibly scared in case I resign. She informed me they have a high staff turnover. One new staff started three weeks ago. By the third day into the new role, he resigned. Every week there is an email that someone is leaving. She has promised me she is there to support me. But I'm just not feeling I will remain long in this new job. I'm highly tempted in resigning within the next day or so. I feel overwhelmed, stressed, cheated, under qualified and not impressed with what I have seen so far. I don't have the knowledge, tools nor experience to support one client little than 15 clients. I'm feeling extremely regrettful with leaving my last job. They are struggling at the moment as they have low staff. I'm tempted with asking HR for my old job back as I miss my old job and team so much. I wish I had stayed as I loved my old job so much. Any advice?
  19. What are the effects of social isolation? Can it damage a person? If so, how and what? What is the impact it can affect the person's family and friends? Can it create fear of other people?
  20. What are the signs and characteristics of someone who has built up an emotional wall? How does one attempt or break it down?
  21. This attachment style is soo confusing. When I tell him I love him and I want us to commit one day. He pushes me away and distances himself. Doesn't reply to my texts and avoids going out with me when I iniate. Says not loving him would make things easier and doesn't feel the same way as I do. Starts acting anxious around me by the fact that I love him. But he does continue to laugh with me. Replies sometimes to my messages. Saids he doesn't mind us dating and hanging out. But no commitment. Then we can work on things and sees how things go. So I try to make things easier for him. To help him to feel better and move on. I tell him I don't love him. I thought this way it would make him feel better and less anxious. Nope this in fact makes things worse. The fact I tell him I don't love him appears to make him feel hurt and angry towards me. He distances himself. Gets angry towards me. Holds a grudge. Doesn't acknowledge me. Appears really upset and makes it clear to me. Tells me no we cant work on things. Doesn't ever want to get back. Then acts and starts to get jealous when I mention about dating someone new. Gets upset and starts to try to make me jealous. Holds resentment and anger towards me and refuses to be nice ever since I told him I don't love him. I'm confused.
  22. Hi All Hope all is well. I have been offered a new job with a new company. It's a conditional offer based on satisfactory DBS and references checks. Once all come back fine. I will be given a start and a copy of my contract. I have been informed my new employer my references has come back fine. They are only waiting back for my DBS. DBS can take time to come back. I have no concerns with my DBS as I know it will come back fine. I completed it a few weeks ago. So still waiting for it come back. I know once it reaches 60 days. You can esclate it. Which usually takes 1 day to complete. In my current role. I have to give one month's notice. A lot of people are leaving my team especially before Christmas. So I know management are having a hard time on tryin to get cover for it. I'm fairly certain they will try to get me to work Christmas especially as they won't want to come to cover it. I was thinkin of handing in my notice next week to escape working Christmas. I don't have a good working relationship with my management. So I don't feel obiliged to stick around and work Christmas for an employer who has messed me around a lot in the past. Things are getting bad with my current employer. To the point, depression has stepped in. One of my colleagues has advised me to hand in my notice before Christmas. Even though I don't have a start date and been offered a conditional offer. My colleague advised me to not worry about it as the only thing I wait for is the DBS which will come back fine. They advise me to resign. Enjoy Christmas and New Year with my family. To enquire about DBS if it comes to 60 days. Should I take the risk or do I wait?
  23. Hi All Here is the link of my previous story. https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/156504-do-i-stay-or-should-i-go/?tab=comments#comment-1483093 So after finally getting a hold of this guy. We sat down to have a chat. He informed me he only told me what I wanted to hear via needing time and space to think about working on his commitment. Doesn't want commitment. Told me he doesn't want to commit to me nor anyone ever. Said he is willing to give things another go. His willing to see how things go. He doesn't mind dating and hanging out. But only wants companionship and not looking for love. Said he doesn't love me. Just only sees me as a close friend. Isn't looking for love. Said he finds it diffciult to text, phone and iniate plans when he knows I love him. Would find it a lot easier if I didn't love him. Said he stopped coming over to my house as I was pressuring him into having sex everytime he came over. Said his rubbish at close relationships and doesn't have much experience. However, friendships work better for him. He enjoys going to the pub. However, most times prefers to stay indoors. Either I accept to dating him which only comes with hanging out and compantionship. Or I walk away?
  24. Hi All Here is a link of my full story of my relationship with me and my ex. https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/153855-excited-but-anxious-in-returning/?tab=comments#comment-1471915 Since I returned back to my old job. My team suspect I and my ex were/are in a relationship. I and my ex work in the same team. But my management has ensured that we don't work closely together anymore. Since I and my ex split up. I got on with my life. Didn't contact him anymore. The space that we had had worked wonders between us. To the point, he contacted me to iniate meeting up and going out for a drink and meal. After one month of seeing him often. My feelings for him started to come back. When we met up after work. He informed me he wants us to get back together. He feels we are on better terms. He thanked me for giving him space and time. He informed he wants us to go back to meeting up, dating and hanging out. However, he doesn't want to ever move in with me. He said, he thinks my attitude towards things has matured greatly. I am a lot more patient hence giving him space and time - I guess this was one aspect of the relationship he didn't like - shame it took to tell me after we split up. I informed I was happy that the space and time has helped him greatly. However, if we were to get back together. I don't want a casual relationship as I do want him to move in with me. I want the relationship to progress. I don't want to invest my time into something for it not to progress. I'm happy that my ways has improved to the point where he feels a relationship can happen. However, he needs to work on his issues and show commitment towards the relationship. He confirmed he knows I won't back down on the idea on him moving in together. I told him either he faces his commitment issues and deals with it - then the relationship won't work. I'm happy to give him space and time. I reasured that I'm not in it for the short term. He thanked me for that. He said - he will need a lot of space and time to face this. So I've backed off and got on with my life. I do check in with him from time to time. He tells me he has been thinking about it but continues on wanting his space. I try to encourage him to talk about how he is feeling. However, he runs away. Do you think this relationship can work? Or do I cut my losses and go? Do I continue on with my life via giving him space?
  25. I have been working in my current job for two years now. I left for two months to start a new job. However, I found the new job – it was a very toxic environment. Management talking about other staffs confidentiality in the office. Gossiping about others. I was still covering overtime shifts for my old workplace via going over my work hours resulting into working 58 hours per week. Which clearly showed I was dedicated to my old workplace. Two months into the new job. So I returned back to my old job. The new job's management are working closely with my old management. So the link is there. However, since I have returned back to my old job. I have found my old management have changed and in fact I have experienced workplace bullying. On my first week of returning back to my old job. I noticed my Team Leader was always on the phone having conversations with the manager of the project that I just left. Some of these conversations were outside away from me. My current Team Leader chose to put me on weekends working with another colleague whom I don't get on well with. So I informed I was feeling anxious about this and we met for a meeting. I was absolutely shocked because what I turned to her for support and instead experienced in that meeting – was bullying. It clearly showed the bitterness and anger that was coming from the manager of the project that I just left from. Some of the bullying I experienced in the meeting: “That I should speak to my GP and seek counselling” after I explained that I was feeling anxious about working with another member of staff on weekends and working alone on same shifts as well after I explained and provided examples on why I was feeling uncomfortable working with the other staff” “Team Leader finds me patronizing towards another member of staff ” “I jump from job to job too quickly” “Why didn’t I notify the team leader first before the service manager on wanting to apply for the job that I just left” “Team Leader is very surprised to see me come back to the project. Most people get at least 18 to 24 months experience and then move on. I’m coming up to being here for two years now. Team Leader is very surprised to see me back here. When I left, it was time for me to move on. What can I develop in the job now that I have returned” “I should move on to gain further different experience within other services within the work company” Team Leader informed me that she and another member of staff had agreed tension between I and previous SW had disappeared after I left the service” “I was using the old office at lot when working under the new service instead of working at the new office” A week later I sent an email on what happened and copied her manager above her into it. I requested on why she said those things. She replied back saying she will talk to me in Supervision. This was four weeks ago. In conclusion, I came to her seeking support as my Team Leader but since the meeting, I have felt low, intimidated and unwanted on the team. The manager above her never replied nor did anything about it. A week later, I requested via email to meet with my manager for Supervision. Again I copied in her manager so she is aware of it. We currently had two weeks remaining of the rota. The reply I got back was – she is waiting for the September rota to come out as she and I won't be seeing much of each other during the next two weeks. I looked at her diary and she has nothing planned. There is plenty of time to meet with me. She has met with other staffs for supervision and I'm the only person who she hasn't met with. Again the manager above her has seen my requests and has done nothing. My Team Leader has been avoiding me as much as possible. I have maintained my professionalism and doing my job. I have joined unison but they say they can't offer advice as it's an on-going issue which started before I joined. The meeting took place on 13/08/18. I have requested for a follow up meeting. I have been denied and ignored. The manager above her has done nothing. No means of trying to resolve this issue. I feel I have done a lot to help the service when they needed it. Now I won't do any more cover and I'm looking for another job. But then I feel why should I leave when I fought so hard for the project. Anyone got any advice please?
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