I am righting this for myself, I don't care if people read this because I am not righting for you. I am only righting one of these, so here goes everything. I have been bullied my whole life I mean my whole life I remember in first grade FIRST GRADE I was being made fun of because of my multiple learning disability's. I was always big for my age in height and weight. As I went threw school it keep getting worse my learning disability's never got better. In fifth grade I was being made fun of now because I go to the "learning room". But people don't do it that much to your face when you are a full foot taller then every one. Now in middle school people words hurt so much more, I was being made fun of for my weight, acme, and acme scares, my naturally oily hair, and learning disability's. My first "girlfriend" is about now, but like most first relationships it was not going to last or really mean much. Now jump to senior year in high school, I have failed every English class I was taking four years worth of English my senior year. (as your reading this you can probably see that) I was always better with numbers the rules to math are constant and set in stone. My parents take me to see a therapist to see why I don't care about school same to want to do anything with my life. After three or four sessions I stopped seeing him I over heard him say what he told my parents. He said and I quote, " I can not help him", he continued to say I can't help someone who does not want help. Now I regret not getting help then it probably would have helped me out now. Well compared to popular belief I graduated high school. Now starting collage in Cleveland Ohio, ( sorry to all the people who live there, but I am never going back I hated it everyday. I lived in Parma.)
Now I started a relationship with a women I kind of liked. But being a 19 year old male really learning what kind of man you want to be and what kind of women you like or into. The relationship was nothing special or anything, but I was being repressed sexually. All the things I find hot or sexy she thought where gross or in her words Wrong. That relationship ended no pain was felt because in was "free. The next relationship I used by a women, out of all her friends she was the only single person. So she went out and found the first person who would look at her. The relationship lasted about a year, when all of a sudden she said it was over. Well I asked thinking if it was something I did I don't want to do it again. She said I found someone else and it was over. Well she told me a name well I knew the name so I confronted that person asking question. I could see the look in his face he truly had no idea what's going on. So one of her friends approached me saying how sorry she was for not seeing it sooner because if she had she would have said something. So in that moment I put a wall up around my heart with an iron clad gate. So I moved away back home made some more friends started talking more to my old friends started a new job. At my new job there was a very special women there who I liked a lot from the moment she said hi. Well months went by we started talking being friends. I thought she was happily married but her husband stopped being the man she married so relationship was on the rocks and failing. She told me one day it was like a light switch went off then she really liked me. So we started going out, it was going really slow because of the wall around my heart. As the days went on my heart was slowly warming. Well one day that wall came crashing down and down went the gate. She said I could see it and fell it falling down. I am the kind of guy where if it looks like the relationship is going very serious I will give you my heart to protect and keep it warm. Well she had it in the palm of her hands. We never had sex, the most me and her did was make out. Don't get me wrong we wanted to have sex and talked about it a lot but we never did it. Well the day she confronted him about a divorce, I guess it finally clicked in his head what he was doing wrong. Well I could see the change in her the way she would reply to the things I said. So I started to push her away and gently hurting her to make it easier for her to let me go that went on for two or three weeks. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep, what ever pain I caused her it hurt me ten fold (one time it about dropped me to me knees). To quote a movie, if that's what true love feels like then I don't want it. After that I can feel my heart hardening, I am only 25 and I don't know what love feels like anymore or a warm hug. That was the last relationship I was in, a joke has been going around that makes me cry every time I hear it. Ready here it is, Zach the only thing you can turn on is you Xbox. The worst part is that joke came from a women I called friend.
So I started talking to my oldest and best friend and a brother to me. He at one point thought about suicide and was going threw depression after his long term relationship ended. He gave me advice and tried to help me in anyway he could he told to ask all the people I call friend, if I have effected their life in anyway. Well I thought about it and in was going to but I know all of those people well enough to know none of them would answer me. So he started to give up in helping me. Well one weeks I was below rock bottom I was looking up at it, I was going to end it all. I asked him to tell me something I wanted to hear. He told me I remember it clear as day, I am not going to guess it out of millions combo nation of words. I started to cry I told him all I wanted to hear was, I don't want to lose my best friend. As I was crying I told him why was it when you came to me about this I told you that and gave you a hug. But when I come to you I have to beg you to tell me that. He was the last person who wanted to hear from me and the last "friend" I spoke to. Now I have no friends no one to talk to which messing with my separation anxiety, with being all alone. At the same time all this is going on I was going threw some sexual confusion. If you would have asked me five years ago what are you I would have said straight but now I say other wise. I fit best with heteroflexible, to those who do not know what that means the best way to say it is. Go to nice restaurant you get an appetizer, its good you like it but all it does is leave you hungry for more. Well that's what men are to me, I can be with a man I get off to him but all it does is leave me hungry for more. I will always come back to a women for the "main course". I wake up in pain every morning I want it to go away. I get up and I have to go to work but I don't want to go. When I get off I come home and lay in bed. I know where my pain come from I know what caused it, but that does not help it or make it go away or make it easier to live with. Someone told me good morning one day and instead of smiling and saying thank you, I snapped and said what good about it, why do you get to tell me good morning? So there you go, you are caught up with most everything. The things I want most No One is willing to give and I am not going to ask for it. The things I want most a hug, love, to feel wanted to feel needed. I now stand in the middle of a crowed room crying for help but no one hears me. To anyone who made it this far you now get the rite to judge me like everyone else does