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Everything posted by PoeticProse

  1. There's a book called After the Diagnosis: Transcending Chronic Illness by Julian Seifter that focuses on the various lifestyle changes that occur with chronic illness, including those related to mental health.
  2. Hi thesadreality, I'm sorry to hear about your unfortunate circumstances, but glad that you were willing to share the story. Do you mind me asking how old you and your sister are? Dysfunctional homes, or homes in which you feel under-appreciated and uncomfortable are a true obstacle to mental and physical health. It can be incredibly frustrating, especially if you do not currently have the wherewithal to venture out on your own. Your feelings toward your sister and mother are not unusual given the circumstances, and you should not be disgusted (ever) for having feelings. You, unfortunately, cannot change them, and attempting to do so can take a tremendous toll. I understand that they, as well as the situation in general, can be a real risk factor for self-harm, depression, anxiety, and a host of other issues; making it no surprise that dissociating yourself from the fact that you deeply care about them makes you feel better. And this matters - your health and well-being matter. You are in what sounds like a toxic environment, so it is important to do what is necessary to better the situation, or avoid it altogether. At the same time, depending on the age of your sister and the mental stability of your mother, which you mentioned, they might not have the tools necessary to be as self-aware and mature as you. This certainly does not make their actions acceptable or rational, but it is something to consider when dealing with them - being civil should always be the goal. Have you discussed these feelings with anyone else? Do you have any support systems with whom you care share stories like this? If you are unable to get away from the situation, maybe finding a therapist would be of some benefit. At least it's something worth considering. I wish you the best of luck, and hope to hear more from you!
  3. There's an unreasonable stigma out there, but I'm confident that it will someday disappear. Another flaw is the lack of public knowledge on the neuroscience of these illnesses. At its core, it is a generational issue - many cannot help but remember how psychiatric hospitals used to be, and how those with mental illness were treated. We knew very little about the brain and psychopharmacology in those times, and so people created their own reductive and irrational answers (people struggle to admit that they simply don't know the answers). Now, people have a tendency of denying the scientific evidence in order to maintain their pseudo-knowledge. It is precisely this that causes people to forego treatment and compromise their health instead of seeking treatment. The physical evidence is as clear as with Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, vascular disorders, brain injury, and cancer. Generally, the only reason for hospitalization is when you are deemed to be a risk to yourself or others. Was that not the case when you went away to the mental health clinic? Being depressed without suicidal ideation is a matter of seeing a doctor and starting treatment, not being sent somewhere.
  4. Keep moving forward.

  5. Hi mellabella, I think that is generally a good way to look at life. I think that the ideal is to do what you can with what you have, and to seek happiness within that reality. I personally believe that's the only way to live happily in the present moment, instead of always looking forward to the elusive someday. This acceptance is feeling satisfied, but I don't think it's necessary to think that "this is as good as it will get for me." We can consolidate a daily contentment with an optimism toward the future. I think a better mantra is "this is as good as it can be right now," but I will strive to make each one better than its predecessor. We don't know what the future holds, so we should refrain from trying to write it prematurely. Let it come organically while taking good care of yourself. Like you said, maybe a partner will come along. Maybe that will put some definition into your flatness. Maybe this is not nearly as good as it will get for you.
  6. "When a child first catches adults out - when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not always have divine intelligence, that their judgments are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just - his world falls into panic desolation. The gods are fallen and all safety gone. And there is one sure thing about the fall of gods: they do not fall a little; they crash and shatter or sink deeply into green muck. It is a tedious job to build them up again; they never quite shine. And the child's world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing." - John Steinbeck, East of Eden, 1952
  7. When it comes to physical injuries, I usually end up waiting until I'm in serious pain before seeing a doctor. Which is ironic. With my high pain tolerance, it's usually late in the game. I think it's because I don't know whether a particular injury simply requires rest, compression, and elevation, or if it's serious enough to require a visit to the doctor for x-rays. This comes to mind because I think I did something bad to my knee, which has the potential to be serious. I didn't realize the irony of what I was saying until I started typing. In my defense, I'd say that it's very easy to be in pain, and most minor injuries don't come with a risk of permanent damage or fatality. Psychiatric and neurologic symptoms are different. This thought is open to criticism.
  8. Hi Link, It most certainly could enhance certain effects of bupropion. Stimulants like Vyvanse and activating antidepressants like bupropion can increase motivation and energy; now that you have been prescribed the former as someone with ADHD, your symptoms should improve. Alertness and attention will likely improve as well. While these medications can cause anxiety and insomnia in some, those with ADHD experience paradoxical effects and do not become anxious. I wish you the best of luck! This might be the solution you've been looking for. Be sure to keep us posted.
  9. Hi BronzeTiger, These concerns are normal. The truth is that medication is a standard of care now, but combining medication and therapy proves most effective. Psychopharmacology and neuroscience have advanced a lot over the past decade, and the commonly prescribed antidepressants are now more effective and come with far less dangerous side effects. It is important to discuss these concerns with your doctor, and to be weary of horror stories you read online. Those who blog about medications typically have bad experiences - someone who has success with a medication is less likely to blog about it. They have been extensively researched and have proven efficacy for treating depression, anxiety, and a host of other symptoms, but each person tolerates them differently. This means that one person may need a lower dose while another person needs a higher dose; one person might get headaches while getting used to the medication, while another person won't experience any initial side effects. The "head zaps" you mention are not common side effects of antidepressant use, but can occur upon discontinuation. Despite what your experiences may have been back then, we are in a much better place now scientifically. Your doctor has decided that the potential benefits outweigh the possible side effects, and millions of people in the world are now being treated with medication for depression. You will find all kinds of stories here, and there are certainly still people who struggle to find a medication that will alleviate all of their symptoms, but they are the best option. I wish you the best of luck. Keep your head up, and be sure to keep us posted!
  10. Hi John, and welcome to DF! I am very sorry to hear about your struggles - you don't deserve to be treated so poorly by those around you. You have been dealt a difficult hand, but have done your very best to push forward. I admire you for that. The ultimate truth, even though it may not help much, is that no one's opinion of you matters. How you view yourself is the only opinion that matters in this world, and I hope that you don't let anyone else change your opinion. It is great that you have been doing your best to stay active and healthy, and you should continue to do so, but appearance does not matter. Some day, you will find yourself around people who realize that, and will treat you with respect and dignity. As for feeling depressed, it is important that you open up at least to a doctor about this. It is not a matter of willpower or simply being sad; depression is a condition of the brain not functioning properly, and it requires treatment. Therapy may also be an excellent option for you, which your doctor could recommend, as it could help with your self-image. You have been strong for long enough - it is time you start asking for help. I commend you for finding us here on DF, and we will do our very best to support you, but you also need to speak with a doctor about your depressive symptoms. Once those are treated, your mood and outlook on life will be much better. It can't change everything, but you will be in a much better position to find friends who appreciate you for who you are, and maybe even help you venture out on your own if that is what you want to do. I wish you the very best of luck, and hope to hear more from you!
  11. Hi SimplyShelby, and welcome back! I am very sorry to hear about your unfortunate circumstances - dysfunction in the home is a true obstacle to a healthy life. But it seems like you are making slow, but steady strides in the right direction, and your mother sounds like a wonderful support system. I hope you two can eventually venture out on your own. You are clearly an intelligent and driven individual, despite how you might currently feel due to mental health. It is very humble and self-aware of you to decide that you may not excel at school given the current circumstances - many people would attempt to push through, which can sometimes be disastrous. I hope that you keep in touch with your doctor and inform him/her of all symptoms and concerns, including depressive symptoms. He/she cannot treat you adequately without all the necessary information, so it is up to you to be honest and thorough so that you can receive the correct treatment, and move toward a healthy and happy life. I wish you and your mother the best of luck, and hope to hear more from you!
  12. Hi dawn, If you have concerns, you should definitely discuss them with your doctor. Are you seeing a GP or psychiatrist? I wouldn't say it is the most common approach, but if it eases your mind, propranolol is a beta-blocker that can and does treat anxiety. It doesn't work like other anxiety medications and, therefore, is non habit-forming. It is often used for residual anxiety left over when a current medication (Effexor) is doing a good job with everything else, and starts working quickly. It has very limited side effects in most people, and helps with generalized anxiety through the alleviation of somatic symptoms. It will, however, require a taper like other medications. You are right that anxiety is in the brain, specifically the emotion regulation areas, but it is often tied to peripheral activity like elevated heart rate, blood pressure, sweating, and the internal restlessness or tension you mentioned. Similar medications are used for people with anxiety, nightmares related to PTSD, and other symptoms that are tied to somatic activity. As with any medication, you should trust your doctor but pay close attention to the medication's effects. It lowers blood pressure, so dizziness upon standing, which can also occur with Effexor, may be more likely. If you experience side effects that you do not like, you can tell your doctor that you want to stop taking it. But maybe, just maybe, it'll help with your residual symptoms of anxiety. I hope this helps a little. Be sure to keep us posted!
  13. Hi Acutus, and welcome to DF, I'm very sorry to hear that you're feeling down, and that you were treated so poorly by someone with whom you have a deep history. I urge you to stay strong and speak to a doctor about your feelings - your life may seem intolerable right now, but I can assure you, it is temporary. You are in the midst of a notoriously stressful situation - a break-up that ended up not being very civil as of recently. This is painful, and your feelings are understandable. But you determine what happens next. Your ex-girlfriend did something that was wrong, and it made you feel bad. You deserve to be treated with respect, especially by someone you care about. Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say that she got "over it in the blink of an eye," because that may not be true at all. We all have this terrible habit of painting these pictures of how emotions should appear, based on our own experiences of the situations and emotions. What we fail to account for is the variation in presentation, and the brute fact that sadness, regret, fear, and despondence do not always resemble the pictures we've painted. You are experiencing this break-up in one way, and she is going to manage her emotions differently. I admittedly don't know the whole story, but she seems to be struggling wholeheartedly with this situation. It is likely that she is doing what she believes is necessary to overcome the pain of the break-up, which is pushing you out of her life completely. This is not an uncommon practice, to be honest. I'm not saying it is right, or fair, but it is a coping mechanism that pushes people away in order to avoid having to deal with the pain of their presence (in whatever capacity). This does not always mean that they want to be away from you, but are waiting for someone who thinks they're worth sticking around for. It's a matter of getting a feel for the situation, and communicating clearly. I think you are both struggling with clenched jaws. I believe that you two are approaching these emotions in radically different fashions. There is so much left to be written. Don't let this be the end of your story. We are here for you. Keep your head up, and be sure to keep us posted.
  14. Fizzle is correct. There's a quote from the HBO series In Treatment that I loved from the moment I heard it - it seems to be appropriate here: "You accept a growing paralysis rather than taking a risk of finding where or towards whom your real passion lies. Is it any wonder that you haven't found what drives you yet? At a certain point, you have to move past the stories that you've assigned to your life. The steadfast explanations you've settled on years ago. You have to look at yourself again. For real answers. You have to take that risk." - Adele, In Treatment
  15. I agree that you should push through and talk to your doctor tomorrow. How long has it been since starting the 10mg, about one week? Maybe you're still adjusting to that, or there are depressive symptoms that are not being adequately treated with 10mg. Numerous possibilities, but don't lose hope. You're through the worst of it.
  16. Maybe he truly does want to change, but is struggling to do so. I obviously don't know him, but it would be difficult to imagine him coming to you and admitting that he is not the man for you. That would not only take deep self-awareness, but a tremendous amount of humility and courage. I'm sure he cares very deeply for you, despite whatever shortcomings the relationship has, and he could be very scared to lose you. Logically, one would expect this to motivate him to be more proactive and helpful - but this is not always the case in reality. In fact, the fear and despondence that comes with feeling like he's losing you could have the opposite effect. As far as the trust issues and past opiate dependence - certainly a complex situation with countless variables. I understand your wanting the truth, no matter how ugly it is, and how insulting it must feel when you are lied to. It is a serious issue, both in practice and in content. It is something that needs to be addressed if it is still a problem, but is not a conclusion you should draw without clear, irrefutable evidence. Making assumptions based on the past, while reasonable at times, is not necessarily rational. It can cause a wide range of problems, because it is insulting to be accused of mistakes that have no basis in the present moment; as if they cannot outlive the mistakes they've made. Also, ensure that your suspicions are not simply a means to explain his less-than-helpful behavior. Thanks for sharing. Be sure to keep us posted!
  17. That is exactly right, a positive attitude doesn't mean you're happy. Further, simple cognitive acknowledgement or understanding of a given situation does not, in itself, induce change. Realization is only the beginning. If CBT doesn't work for you, or you think that you're aware of everything they could possibly tell you, then maybe you're just not a good candidate for that type of therapy. It is, after all, therapy focusing on cognitive distortions and behavior changes, and does work empirically for many people who struggle in areas that you might excel in. You have a variety of posts so I struggle to remember your treatment background, but your ingrained mood and outlook seem to be the pernicious culprits that might be affecting your response to therapy, your unwillingness to talk to others in fear of impending jealousy, and what appears to be a lack of faith in treatment as a whole. These things seem to be so hard-wired, that I hope a doctor and medication are playing active roles in your treatment. You are very introspective, and can understand concepts at a cognitive level, but there is more to experiencing life than understanding things on an intellectual level. This is where you seem to be struggling, and where your mood symptoms thrive. I stood in the way of treatment many years ago, for many of the same reasons. It is frustrating to understand and intellectualize what is going on, while being incapable of changing it. Which is why we have no choice but to trust the professionals who treat people with these issues on a daily basis. They're providing effective treatments based on empirical evidence, and if it is not working, then be proactive and discuss your concerns with them. You are the biggest part of your treatment - don't just accept what people say and tell you to do. Ask questions, and keep them informed on how you are feeling, and mention that CBT doesn't seem to be effective for you; that you might need something else. These things are up to you to share with your doctor, therapist, etc. otherwise nothing changes.
  18. Hi True, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles - your situation sounds very frustrating and I understand your concern. It is certainly true that your boyfriend could be more attuned to your needs, and put forth effort beyond what has been the case lately; there are clearly priority issues, such as unnecessarily allowing a balance to be sent to collections. Now, I would not confuse this with how you would behave in his situation, because you are two different people. You each are comprised of different genes, experiences, and concepts of relationships and responsibility, and what you would do should have no bearing on how you view others or expect them to behave. Now, when it comes to looking at your future and the type of person you want to be with, then sure - your ideal can be whatever you would like. But you would have to find that person. Also, something that is common, is trying to change others. It seems, based on your post, that your boyfriend has always had a laid-back personality, and this main issue has been ongoing, at least since the medical issues arose. If this is true, it is not his fault that you are finding him to be unhelpful, lazy, or inattentive. He is accountable for his actions, or lack thereof, but he cannot be blamed for your anger or disappointment. If this is the man you started dating, then this is the man you either need to accept or let go. Some people can change slightly, and many do over time; but it simply cannot be expected. Many people spend years trying to change their partners to no avail. It is not his fault that he is the way he is. Maybe he will eventually start behaving more maturely, assuming he is capable of doing so, but maybe he won't. And that is not a reflection on you in any way. It is simply the reality of the situation. I hope this perspective helps. I wish you both the very best of luck.
  19. Hi Khoma, I'm glad you're at a point where you can discontinue medication - I wish you the very best of luck! It is definitely important to take note of your mood as you taper. I don't mean anger or frustration from the withdrawal symptoms, but a recurrence of clinical symptoms - your doctor should always be kept apprised of these. Withdrawal can be difficult with antidepressants, but you'll get through it. If anything becomes truly intolerable, your doctor can always slow down the taper. Brain zaps, headache, nausea, insomnia are the main side effects, the first of which can be extremely unsettling. But each person experiences a different level of discomfort, so don't stress too much about the hypotheticals. As far as brain zaps go, for most anyway, they are a very unique feeling. It's an electrical-type shock in the head that can be startling, but is usually very rapid and then goes away. It can come with or without dizziness. I know that many years ago, for me personally, it took about 10-14 days to feel mostly normal again upon discontinuation. Keep your head up! It'll be over before you know it.
  20. Have you discussed this with your doctor? He/she may be able to run some tests to rule out hormonal issues. Unless you have an illness beyond psychiatric or neurologic, treatment is not hopeless if you find the right doctor and the right medication(s). Genetics play a role in everything from cancer and MS to schizophrenia and depression, and while there are certainly inherited genetic disorders that will always present themselves, genes alone are not deciding factors in the ones I've mentioned. In fact, epigenetics tells us that the genes themselves change over time depending on psychosocial stressors and experiences. These type of mood swings and emotional lability can occur with depressive disorders, borderline personality disorder, hormone dysregulation, PTSD, and other things due to abnormal emotion regulation and cognitive processes. If you're concerned that it is bipolar, while there is such a thing as rapid-cycling, the average episode is 10-13 weeks. And manic states are extremely intense episodes of euphoria, rapid speech, over-spending, staying awake for days, grandiosity, recklessness, impulsivity, etc - things that are very uncharacteristic and extreme. Hypomania has the same symptoms, they're just less intense. Keep your head up and ask your doctor questions. You are just as much a part of treatment as he/she is. If you are seeing a GP, I recommend a psychiatrist who is trained in psychotropic medications. They will be able to consider the whole range of possible medications. I wish you the best of luck, and hope to hear more from you!
  21. You should talk to your doctor about that, and maybe going up in dosage. Many people don't find it helpful at the low dose you have. Also, it is effective for sleep initiation, not for keeping you asleep; this is why they came out with a controlled release version of the drug.
  22. I admire your desire to recover for good, and willingness to do whatever it takes. Substance use is extremely troubling and complex, and you have already taken one of the most difficult steps. I wish you the best of luck!
  23. It was mid-90s with a lot of UV radiation.
  24. Yes, it is a common combination, and Ambien is a common medication that can be taken with a host of medications with no issues. Ambien is effective for short-term sleep initiation, and works quite well. It should not affect the antidepressant's action in your system in any way, other than help with your insomnia. The nasty side effects are uncommon. I've heard many people stress over reading things online, but they refer to situations far beyond taking the prescribed dose when needed. The habituating properties of Ambien are due to its rapid onset and calming effects, and concern arises when taken for extended periods of time, at which point higher doses are needed to reach the same effect, and that obviously comes with risk. You are on the lower of the two doses available - just be mindful and keep your doctor apprised. You should have nothing to worry about. I'm sure a good night's sleep will feel incredible!
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