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Everything posted by PoeticProse

  1. Hi Amy1984, That is a great question - the answer for which varies across people. There are certain behaviors that can help such as improving and/or maintaining physical health, pushing yourself to do things that were at least pleasurable at one time (even if you don't feel like it), and challenging negative thoughts should they arise. There are certainly treatment options that can help with these behaviors like psychotherapy, as well as a wide range of medications should someone deem these a useful and warranted treatment. Posting here on DF is a method of seeking social support, which can be of tremendous benefit to the process, whether or not you're engaged in other forms of treatment. Should you find yourself stuck and the personal behaviors become difficult, there is no harm in seeking a consultation regarding therapy and/or medications. You are always free to decide whether or not to undergo the recommended treatment and to ask as many questions necessary to aid in that decision-making process. Ultimately, the answer to the question for you, specifically, will take some trial-and-error. But there will be a method or combination thereof that will lead to the light at the end of the tunnel we call depression. I hope this is somewhat helpful. I appreciate your post and hope to hear more from you - hang in there!
  2. HI happyforyou, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling that way and thank you for sharing - the manner in which you speak suggests some real pain if you are wanting so badly to numb yourself. I'll do my best to avoid prolific poetry and will point out that one positive statement I found in your post is that you do not want to do drugs or alcohol. The goal you seek would not ultimately be discovered through those methods. Also, I completely understand your desire to be numb and I question neither its merit nor rationale. You are not alone. The question you ask is a good one. There is no strong, universally-proven method for this. Some become numb without wanting to while others feel numb following certain events. You fall on the side with others who would rather feel numb than experience the negative feelings. I believe that you posting on here is a good start to getting where you want to be. No one can predict whether the result will be numbness or improved mood but, either way, seeking out DF seemed to be a better option to you than family or friends - it sounds like those options cause more concerns. There are surely countless individuals who can relate to your specific desires and offer their own insight. Until then, I hope to continue hearing more from you - thank you again for sharing your frustrations with the DF community!
  3. Hi snoof, There is some evidence suggesting that EMDR can be effective for certain types of worrying and anxiety (Generalized Anxiety Disorder, as one example). You are correct that the substantial heap of literature is geared toward PTSD and other trauma- or stressor-related events (including seizure-related trauma) but that does not necessarily imply that it couldn't work. Your best bet would be to speak to a therapist specifically trained in EMDR, rather than one who just follows the procedures, and make this inquiry. Are there reasons that you are focused specifically on EMDR rather than CBT or other treatment modalities? I hope this is somewhat helpful and that you are able to start feeling better soon. Please keep us updated!
  4. Thisisme373, I read through this thread and your situation definitely sounds complicated. Other members have posted that NA/AA meetings are generally the same concept and should be free of charge - they work for some and, at minimum, you may meet some interesting and kind people who are living sober lives. Either way, quitting is certainly a good idea if that is what you would like to do - you can always try without help and see what happens. Regarding the housing register, is there really a negative outcome that could come from this? I won't pretend that I know exactly how this works, but my assumption is that you ultimately get the final say regarding whether or not you make the change. With that being said, registering may just provide another opportunity without mandating you to move if you dislike the flat or do not have the money to do so. If it is anything like similar registries in the US, long waiting lists make it worthwhile to get on the list even if you are uncertain at the time. Again, this may differ in your area but those are my initial thoughts. I wish you the best of luck should you choose to discontinue the drug use - choosing to do so is definitely a huge step of which you should be proud. Be sure to keep us posted!
  5. Hi mysticalshibe, I am sorry to hear about your situation - it sounds like you are feeling quite down in terms of mood, your feelings toward your boyfriend, and the thought of where the relationship may be headed in the future. This is definitely a lot to deal with and relationships can be very complicated. It doesn't help that you broke it off with your ex-girlfriend who was likely a great support for you. One of the many difficult things about relationships is the simple fact that feelings change - not necessarily in a bad or negative way, but they develop into different forms. Initial phases of butterflies may fade away - earlier for some than others - which can be both normal or a sign of lost interest. There really is only one person who can know the answer to that in any relationship - the person experiencing it. It wouldn't hurt to express these feelings to your boyfriend, if you feel comfortable doing so and he is a good listener. This may resolve some of your questions and make you feel more at ease. However, it also sounds like you have lost some interest in speaking to him, as well as others, so it surely is not a simple solution at this point. Keep in mind that your "stage of depression and sadness," which is leading to you withdrawing from others, is likely impacting your willingness to have these conversations and may also be causing some overthinking that just adds even more stress. It is my hope that you are able to discuss some of these things with your boyfriend if you are wanting to resolve them - for better or worse, it may lead to a decreased level of stress because it sounds like a very complicated situation from your end. I wish you the very best and hope to hear more from you!
  6. I completely agree with you - once one hears something over and over with no results, the meaning and any belief that it is true slowly fades away. I have no doubt that this is the case with you and many others. One thing that can be helpful, but is often incredibly difficult, is recognizing what we can and cannot predict. It is true that we cannot predict that everything will be fine in x days or y weeks. However, we also cannot predict that nothing will change over that time either. Predicting the future can lead to a downward spiral and is often very easy to do when feeling depressed, anxious, angry, etc. It can be short-lived or can continue every day. The reality is that on a day-to-day basis, nothing may seem to change - nothing, in fact, may be changing. At the same time, things can change all of a sudden, just one random day during which something happens. If anything is to change at all, in any way, there has to be a specific day when it does. Nothing changes until it does. The same problems may continue to bother you, but we cannot predict when this will change, even though it would be great if we could. It is my hope that this change occurs very soon for you. You certainly deserve it.
  7. mrrd100, You are right - those who are a part of your treatment team serve a specific role and are not people with whom you can spend time and develop the type of lasting friendships for which you're looking. The story becomes complicated, as you clearly seem to recognize, when you do connect with someone at a vulnerable level, and then are let down - that guard is a tricky thing to deal with and it doesn't move down easily. It generally requires sufficient, ongoing evidence of its lack of usefulness - it only gets stronger when we are provided with evidence of its importance in saving us from negative situations. And that is incredibly astute of you - that which goes on in your own head, the "self talk," plays at least an equal role in whether or not that guard is dropped for anyone. By the sound of your posts, your burdens may seem like too much but your qualities greatly outweigh any difficulties that may come your way. It is clear that you are intelligent, insightful, caring, and motivated - these are great qualities that will serve you well as you move forward. You have a lot to offer others in terms of friendship and otherwise - there will surely be people who will recognize that and provide the same to you. Hang in there, you will definitely be able to use your knowledge and personal qualities to help others. There is no question about that.
  8. Hi David, I am so sorry to hear about your situation - that sounds incredibly difficult and hurtful. It is truly unfortunate that you are being picked on and that your mother also seems to be experiencing negative consequences - it seems like in a verbal nature from your post. I'm sure it is much worse when you currently have little choice but to live under the same roof as the person who is causing so much distress. Given your situation - about which I only know a small amount - you can at least serve as a positive support for your mother. It is my hope that you two can support one another if you are experiencing similar treatment. I am glad that you are able and willing to share your situation here on DF - it is my hope that you find all the support you need here until you find more options. I wish you the best of luck and hope to continue hearing more from you.
  9. Hi mrrd100, Thank you for posting - I am sorry to hear about your difficulties, they certainly sound frustrating and disappointing. You have clearly made great strides in seeking treatment and being compliant with that medication - which involves being open about your experiences and having medications altered if necessary - this is no small feat. You also seem quite insightful regarding your triggers. It can be extremely difficult to improve oneself when others are having a negative impact - this can be in the form of not being supportive or completely misunderstanding your situation. In spite of these experiences - social pressure, anxiety, etc - I truly do admire your willingness and seemingly strong desire to find people who will "accept" you and make you feel like a part of the group. Not everyone will understand these complex situations and how debilitating they can be, but there are people out there who will. It may not happen overnight, but you are still young and that time will surely come. Your odds will increase as you continue with treatment and work on your symptoms. You seem to have been making all the right steps and it is my belief that you will be somehow rewarded for these things. I wish you the very best of luck - please be sure to keep us posted!
  10. Hi sleepy82, Thank you for sharing and welcome to DF! While I have not undergone ECT, the beliefs surrounding memory loss are generally over-inflated. If one does experience this, it is generally short-lived and relates to the moments during and immediately following an ECT session rather than an ongoing deficit in memory - there's certainly marginal evidence that it impacts past memories. Regarding when you're going to notice positive effects, this can vary like many other treatments. Eight sessions is not an unusual starting point - your prescriber has surely made a decision based on your specific history and has determined this to be a useful approach. Following any positive effects, in certain cases there is need for buffer sessions if any symptoms return. I would say that if you have undergone four sessions with no noted side effects, this is a great sign. There are certainly countless horror stories that can be found online, but memory loss is not a thoroughly validated one - definitely not to an extent that would impact daily functioning on a regular basis. Positive effects may take some more time, but be sure to maintain open lines of communication with your prescriber regarding all outcomes and concerns. I wish you the very best of luck with your ongoing treatment and look forward to hearing more from you!
  11. GAJ123, I hope you start feeling better and am sorry that you don't feel right. I'm generally not one for clichés, but things will certainly get better. It is truly a day-by-day process, as you are well aware, and the time will come when you will benefit from having the knowledge of what it is like to go through these difficulties. I am hoping the very best for you - please continue to keep us posted on how you're feeling!
  12. Hi wanthappiness, Thank you for sharing your situation and welcome to the DF community. I am sorry to hear about your circumstances, such as your not-so-good days with negative thoughts and early-morning anxiety. Your question is a good one, and is best answered by your prescriber who knows your personal history best. At the same time, initial activating side effects are not uncommon, so there may be both good and bad days while your body becomes accustomed to your new medication. Should you experience a worsening of symptoms, you should certainly inform your prescriber. However, initial difficulties are not uncommon but subside generally in 2-3 weeks - with variability across individuals. These initial effects may not be as problematic with a dosage increase but, again, this is all subjective and depends on how you tolerate the medication. By the sound of it, you have recognized some good days, which is a mark on the positive side. Regarding the switching from PM to AM, the effects you are experiencing with the lower dose may not carry over with the higher dose - you are also slowly becoming accustomed to the medication, so that will also help. Your prescriber has clearly decided that this is the best course of action for now. Should you have concerns of any kind, it may be helpful to make a list of questions for your prescriber, as you have every right to be informed about and comfortable with your treatment. Treatment can always be altered to accommodate your needs should anxiety elevate at certain times of the day. Noting these changes in a journal can also be helpful, both for you and your prescriber. I wish you the very best of luck with your treatment and hope to hear updates from you - stay strong!
  13. Hello again, I can certainly understand your frustration - wanting the medication to work and get back to feeling hungry, less anxious, etc. That time will certainly come as long as you continue doing what you can and maintaining open lines of communication with your prescriber. It may also be helpful to avoid any blog-related information on Effexor. While individuals experience different effects with medications, as well as therapy and other treatment options, there are statistical questions at play with online posts related to these effects. One can find horror stories on all treatments if she/he searches thoroughly. However, those who are displeased with treatment are more likely to post about it than those who experience pleasant results - the online evidence may be heavily skewed. At the same time, your concerns are still valid and important to you, so you should feel feel to vent these concerns to your prescriber in order to feel comfortable with your treatment. There is nothing wrong with asking questions and requesting rationale - I suggest you make a list of all questions you have so that you do not forget to ask during your next follow-up appointment. It is not uncommon to forget important questions, as appointments can be anxiety-provoking and so full of information and emotions that pre-made lists can be helpful. It is great to hear that you understand the importance of staying physically healthy, as this is heavily tied to mental health. While it is unfortunate that you have to "force" yourself to eat, I applaud you for doing so. Based on what you are saying, you are taking all the right steps.
  14. You say that you "felt bored not looking him up." What did you spend that time doing - were you bored while engaging in another activity, or bored sitting around trying to not think about him? Everyone is unique in how these situations can be handled, so you can always do your own experimenting - it seems you have been doing some - in order to figure out what things can keep your mind on other topics or at least your body engaged in other activities. It will certainly be a process and will not happen overnight, but that's why you have support systems like the community here on DF. It is certainly possible that you will someday be less impacted by this character, should that be what you ultimately want.
  15. Neveragain86, I'm sorry to hear that. It certainly sounds like an upsetting and frustrating situation - your feelings are just as real as they would be if the character was a real person. What happens if you try to spend time away from the character, if you don't mind me asking? For example, if you went an hour or a day without engaging in the video game, researching the character, or doing anything that relates to the character? You could still harbor those feelings and likely would, but you wouldn't be immersing yourself as deeply. This may very well be an incredibly difficult task, but I wonder what that experience would be like for you.
  16. Hi Detour12, I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling - this sounds like a difficult and potentially worrisome situation. It is great that you have an upcoming appointment to discuss these symptoms, as they certainly sound concerning - even if they happen to not be a full depressive episode, they are impacting your life and are worth confronting. You are also wise in considering a follow-up with your general practitioner, as you seem to know that there are metabolic and other contributors to feeling the ways you describe. Your question is one best answered by your prescriber, as he/she knows the most about you. Ultimately, however, you know yourself the best and likely know what depression is like. Even if it has not reached the severity you may have experienced in the past, it has been problematic enough for you to take the time to post about it - that sounds like a sign worthy of concern. Considering you have an appointment lined up, continue to monitor yourself (which you are clearly good at) and do your best to be hopeful that this is a temporary setback that can be dealt with at your next appointment. Until then, you have the DF community and any other support systems you may have in your life. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you keep us posted - stay strong!
  17. Hi Baconbuyer, Thank you for sharing your situation. My first thought while reading your post was that you have touched on all possible points, none of which are wrong or negligible. All of these thoughts are worthwhile, as you exhibit substantial insight into your intra- and interpersonal experiences. This may be due to "overanalysing" but is still a positive aspect of your situation - you see the possible origins of what you experience. If you were unable to connect all of these dots at some point in the past, maybe the medications are partially responsible for this. Ultimately, you have put forth the effort to understand yourself and the ways in which you relate to others. I applaud your willingness to join friends this week in spite of potential triggers - this in itself is a good sign. It is entirely understandable that you may see others expressing emotions that you are currently unable to access to their fullest (considering you report having experienced them in the past), but there is no reason to doubt that you will regain these abilities in time. You have taken the appropriate steps to seek treatment, support here on DF, and personal reflection - the latter being an often-neglected but necessary component of regaining the qualities one once possessed and effortlessly displayed. With that being said, emotions can certainly feel somewhat "numbed" on medications such as yours, but this can be difficult to ascertain as the very symptoms that it is used to treat often create such a cascade of negative emotions that any deviation from this may simply feel like numbness. The ultimate thing to contemplate and share with your prescriber is whether or not your current regimen is improving how you feel about yourself and others. If you believe that you are improving but still 'stuck' in a state that seems suboptimal compared to what you have experienced in the past, let your prescriber know. These are all important considerations in your ongoing treatment. Thanks again for posting - I enjoyed reading and am happy to hear some improvement and optimism in your words. If you happen to join friends this week, I hope it proves helpful and that you are able to enjoy yourself. I wish you the very best of luck and look forward to updates!
  18. Hi libbieann, Thank you for sharing - I am sorry to hear that your side effects have been so problematic. The symptoms you describe sound debilitating and you are clearly very desperate for the medication to start helping with your symptoms rather than adding more concerns. Effexor will take some time to be accommodated by your body but you are already one week into the medication - this is a great start. It is certainly important to continue to keep your prescriber updated on all symptoms and side effects, as well as ask him/her any questions that you may have during your follow-up visit. What I can tell you is that many medications of this kind will have initiating side effects, but they should dissipate as you get into the routine and your body adjusts to the daily regimen. While there is no specific time-frame that applies perfectly to everyone, 2-3 weeks is generally what is expected - with some variation. Many stop medications short of their effects, so your willingness to seek support here on DF while experiencing these side effects shows tremendous insight and willingness to do what is necessary to be there for your family and others who may need you. Keep it up and stay strong. I wish you the best of luck in the coming days with your new medication - please continue to keep us posted!
  19. Hi erinpoo, Thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing so much fatigue with this switch in medications. While the medication is the same, its change in properties can certainly result in some changes in how you initially respond to it. After three years, your body has become accustomed to a very specific routine that underwent a change two weeks ago. It is always important to keep your prescriber apprised of your symptoms and side effects, but it is not unusual to experience changes. Be sure to discuss this thoroughly in your follow-up with your provider, as you are clearly becoming frustrated to the point of not wanting to continue in this fashion. I wish you the best of luck with this new medication and hope that things begin to improve - please keep us posted!
  20. Hi ffar, I am sorry to hear of your frustrations - I appreciate you sharing your candid thoughts and feelings, as these are not always the easiest things to articulate. You are certainly free to feel and think however you would like and should never be invalidated. You have surely been heard here on DF and it is my hope that you continue to share your personal experiences with the community.
  21. Hi Neveragain86, Thank you for sharing this with the DF community. I do not believe that what you describe is "nuts," as you are free to feel however you'd like. You seem to recognize the behaviors in which you engage as well as the fact that reality does not operate in the same fashion as a video game. However, it is also not necessarily wrong to appreciate qualities displayed by a character, celebrity, or otherwise - these are qualities you seem to desire in a significant other. There is no reason to believe that these qualities cannot exist within a human being somewhere in the world. With billions of people, it can certainly be difficult to find people who possess the exact qualities we think we'd like, especially if we have had multiple past relationships fail. Due to listing diagnoses, are you currently in therapy of any kind or did you acquire those diagnoses in another fashion? This would be a strong starting point for working on the origins of your feelings toward the character to which you're referring. It is completely understandable that you fear that you would "feel empty" if you did not have feelings for him - he seems to serve as a placeholder for the person you would ultimately like to find. At the same time, if you do desire to find this type of person, interacting with others will be important. The more you do so, if this is something you enjoy doing, the more likely you are to find compatible people who possess the qualities you admire. Only time will tell, and you have plenty ahead of you. Thanks again for sharing - I hope this was somewhat helpful and look forward to hearing more from you!
  22. Hi Avalance, Thank you for updating - I read through your posts and am sorry to hear about your circumstances. It is surely quite difficult to have little feeling, particularly when it comes to accessing happiness. It seems that you have done what is necessary to confront your symptoms and have taken the steps to seek a psychiatric consult. It does sound that your anhedonia is a lack of pleasure without a major mood component, but you're on track to resolving the symptoms with therapy and your own meditative work. After all, alleviation of the symptoms is more important than the label, so long as it doesn't alter the treatment trajectory. I wish you the best of luck and hope to hear more updates from you!
  23. Hi GAJ123, Your situation certainly sounds difficult and I appreciate you sharing all of these thoughts and concerns. Job satisfaction plays a huge role in well-being, meaning that waking up to a job that you dislike - awaiting the end of the day before it even begins - has the potential to cause the feelings you're experiencing. Having a dog is definitely a bonus - pets can be such a benefit to people who spend a significant amount of their off-time at home. I want to point out that you must be good at something - even if that is video games, as you mentioned as one of your hobbies. You are also clearly good at your job otherwise you wouldn't have held onto it. Your view of your work performance may be different but the mere fact that you have sustained it every day in spite of your distaste for it suggests that you do it, at minimum, well enough. You also possess the insight to recognize the sources of your stress, frustrations, and mood. These are not small things - I personally believe these are qualities of which to be proud. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts - I hope to continue reading updates on your situation.
  24. Hi cheshire_chick, That certainly seems like a reasonable feeling. Trust is not only extremely difficult and potentially beyond one's abilities, but creates a highly vulnerable sphere of existence that can cause a wide range of thoughts and feelings that could be just as severe as a reaction to an allergen. Therefore, it is completely reasonable to want to avoid it like someone with a peanut allergy would avoid peanuts. The major difference would be the reality that trust is something that plays a role in everyday life - in every encounter, every relationship. I'd definitely say that your post is an insightful one.
  25. Hi veronicasad, Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to the DF community. I am very sorry to hear about your unfortunate experiences - they sound incredibly frightening and are surely a constant battle. Your combination of medications is certainly not unusual and your prescriber has clearly determined that this may be the appropriate regimen for your presenting symptoms. It is understandable that you would question their effectiveness, as you did not perceive any success with your previous medication and you are still experiencing symptoms. While you should continue to keep your prescriber informed of your symptoms, psychiatric medications such as the ones you are taking do take some time before activating side effects dissipate. Bupropion may cause some anxiety initially as it often lifts people out of depression by providing energy and motivation. Like other similar medications, mood symptoms can initially seem worse and these should be monitored closely by both you and your prescriber. Regarding quetiapine, this medication can help with anxiety, sleep, and has been shown to work well as an adjunct medication for moderate-to-severe depression. It may cause sedation that seems problematic and might make you feel groggy in the morning - this, too, will eventually reduce in intensity as your body becomes accustomed to the medication. While these initial effects often make people feel worried and concerned, it is simply a part of the process that will eventually subside. Should there be minimal improvement, there are other medications that your prescriber may consider and this would not be uncommon either. However, it is important to note that nearly all medications for depressive symptoms will come with a period of adjustment. This is why your follow-up appointments will be spaced out in time to allow for accurate assessment of the medications' effects on you. Your prescriber is always your go-to person for concerns, and he/she should be notified if your symptoms worsen. As I stated, your medications were chosen due to your unique circumstances and are worth a shot. What I would recommend is keeping a list of questions to ask your prescriber at your next appointment - it is easy to forget a list of questions during these potentially stressful situations - in order to help alleviate your concerns. It is your prescriber's job to ensure that you are comfortable and informed, meaning there is absolutely nothing wrong with questioning decisions and requesting a rationale. I hope this proves to be helpful. I hope you are able to push through these difficult times and applaud you for being so insightful and seeking help when you did - that is often one of the most difficult acts for people to engage in. I wish you luck and hope to hear from you again.
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