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Everything posted by tmm0127

  1. It's honestly okay. This just sounds like one extra thing to beat yourself up about that you really don't need to beat yourself up about. There are many ways to get exercise without going to a gym. There are thoooousands of at-home workouts you can do, and videos on youtube that you can follow along with if you'd like. . . and if you live in an apartment or dorm, there are even specific youtube videos for that environment. The gym is an excellent place, but if you find yourself unable to go, don't feel defeated. Walk when you can, take the stairs when you can, and remember to hydrate. :)
  2. I'm 30 years old and still suffer from this. My anxiety is pretty bad on the daily, but my mutism comes from never really being allowed to speak. I come from a loud family anyway, everyone interrupts and talks over each other, but the source of my mutism comes primarily from two sources: my dad and general relationship problems. My dad an I have never had the best relationship.. every therapist I've ever been to has told me to just ... not talk to him, when possible. He never lets me finish speaking. When I do speak he 99% of the time turns it into a fight or argument, even if you are agreeing with him, he just likes to argue and hear himself talk. He doesn't like to admit he is wrong about any little thing at all, so he always has and always will belittle me, in private and in public, to make me sound weak and small and stupid. Unfortunately this is also a running theme in my romantic relationships. Even when things start out going really fantastic, there's always some point in the relationship when my boyfriends turn abusive. Everyone I've ever been with makes me feel incredibly stupid and gullible, even though I'm neither of those things (people think I'm gullible because I trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt, then when I find out they're lying to me it's somehow my fault for trusting them and not their fault for lying to me...???). They always pick fights with me and then are able to somehow turn it around and make it look like it's all my fault... so my response, since I was a kid, is to shut off and stop talking in hopes that their attention will shift to something else if I stay quiet and stop responding. Something stupid can happen at the crack of dawn and I won't be able to speak for the rest of the day. I can manage to mutter out quick responses.. people can tell there's something wrong, because outside of my obvious unwillingness to speak, I guess I also get a kind of glassed over look.. people will ask me if I'm alright (usually the people who have made me go mute for the day will ask, I guess which is why I either can't respond or give a super sheepish reply to avoid more of their stupidity) and usually I can get out a "yeah" but it's always very quiet and I can't look them in the face. People get mad at me for responding like this, but I honestly can't help it. :/ It has caused issues in work and in school, because I automatically assume whatever I say either is or will make me sound very stupid and people will laugh at me, so I tend to just .. not talk .. and when I -have- to talk, I get faint and panic.
  3. She apparently has no confidence in her workers to get their work done from home. Our work is basically all data entry, and the laptops we're sent home with have slots for our ID cards and track our movements, so not only can the program we work with track how many documents we've completed in a day, but it tracks the amount of time you're logged in and active on the laptop. It really makes no sense, but she's very old school. I've looked at work from home jobs, and hopefully this outpatient program I'm going to will help me make a decision about it... I would love to be able to work from home, even just part time! But change has been a big source of stress for me lately, and I'm afraid whatever I try will fail. As I put in my update (before I saw there was another reply!), my therapist is putting in a formal request for me to take time off. The outpatient program is a week long, though I might see if I can get a week and a half or two, just so I can do the outpatient program and then engage in some of my hobbies as well. I'm not giving up just yet! I feel very relieved that my therapist is taking this seriously, and I will keep this post updated when I get more info. :)
  4. Update: My therapist got back to me and suggested I take some time off from work to heal and attend an outpatient treatment program. I asked my time keeper about it and she said she could advance sick leave time for me, I would just need a note from my therapist with the recommendation and specific dates. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
  5. Irrepressibly sad, stuck, frustrated, hurt ...
  6. Thank you for your response. It's helpful to know there are just people out there who can sympathize with me. I've just felt so stuck here for so long, and while I was able to just suck it up and continue working here before, it's really starting to ruin me. Maybe it's just that my faith in being able to find something else has dwindled so much since no one else seems willing to hire me, but something has to give and I have to get out of here. It's a fine job that pays the bills and isn't at all demanding, my experience puts me beyond entry-level work, I have plenty of skills and despite my crippling anxiety and depression I'm a great employee.
  7. I think I may be having a crisis. I have been experiencing major mood swings and panic attacks for the past week or so, and I know it is because of my job. To elaborate: it is a spirit killer. There's no room for growth, raises / promotions, my boss is a tight-ass woman who won't let me telework even though it is in my job description as being an option, one of my other superiors is my sister's ex-boyfriend (who's always been professional about it, but he is also stressful to be around), and I've been here basically doing the same thing day-in and day-out for 5+ years now and I'm done with it. I have applied to over 20 jobs within the past year, both here and in Austin, TX where my sister is now living, and even to internships and volunteering positions, and no one has got back to me (even when I've given a call to make sure they received my resume). I am so desperate to leave my current working situation, but I simply don't have the money to just up and quit, especially when there are no fruits to my job hunting labors. Not only is that really causing me stress, but my manager is almost 100% against anyone teleworking (even though my job allows for it) and I have thought about going part-time, but I have to fight back tears every time I even think about having to ask about that, because the idea will either be rejected or I'll be let go. I'm so afraid to make a move but this job is ******* me, and I don't really know what to do about it. This job is making me physically ill, it's impacting my mental health on a major level ... yet I'm stuck here. I'm an adult with bills to pay and no other work options right now. I'm sitting here now completely afraid yet wanting to stand up and scream "I QUIT" and go home. I can't do this anymore. I emailed my therapist, so I'm waiting to hear back from her.
  8. I applied to go back to school in the Fall some time ago, and today I paid the tuition. So it's official. I'm going back to school. :)
  9. Feeling very low, lately. Emailed my psychiatrist to ask what I can do to ease my emotional discomfort until our appointment in nearly 3 weeks.. been doing yoga and meditation.. drinking tea.. confided in and surrounded myself with loved ones.. nothing seems to help.
  10. SUNNY! Finally. And a warm 64 Fahrenheit. :)
  11. Today I took some steps towards finding a new line of work. I got stressed out with so many different options, but after a few more hours of research I found a perfect option for me. Although I like my coworkers and my current job pays my bills, it is ******* me and I can't stand it much longer.
  12. Definitely an issue a lot of people have. I have friends, but usually struggle with hanging out with them because my social anxiety and lack of motivation to even get dressed on a daily basis... luckily they understand and struggle with similar issues. Being around people scares and exhausts me, but I crave human interaction.
  13. Desperately looking for apartments.
  14. I feel completely exhausted despite getting a full night's sleep. I'm feeling fed up and frustrated and like my life is going nowhere at all. I need to move out of my parents' house, but I can't find a place I can afford even though I'm making more money now than I ever have... I feel stuck.
  15. Just super cold! Disappointed that the nor'easter is missing my area. :(
  16. I really hope that I still feel like working out by the time I get home. I have a video loaded to my "watch later" list in YouTube, just have to keep the motivation.
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