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About sobergal

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  1. Hi there. I feel your pain. I was on mirtazapine / Remeron for 10 years, started at 15 mg, then 30 mg and for most of the time that I was on it, my dosage was 45 mg. Weight gain is one of the side effects...if you find yourself craving junk food, this is why. I know it is a horrible side effect. That said, it really did help me and save my life. I did reach my top weight on it and after 10 years and once my life stabilized, I worked with my psychiatrist to slowly wean off of it which I did over a period of months. During that time, I also quit smoking and began working out. It really helped me in so many ways...yes the weight gain is horrible and I feel your pain. Work hard to get help for what it was prescribed for and be grateful that it is working. Your appetite will level off and the weight will stabilize. If possible, find resources to help you with eating (Overeaters Anonymous, nutritionist and such) so that you're not feeling so overwhelmed. There is hope and help.
  2. Hi sobergirl, I am unable to pm you. Can you send me a pm ASAP?

    Thanks, Natasha

  3. From what I have read, you will get better because you are, without exception, a fighter and a survivor with a will to live that is beautiful to see. I have learned that I may be the last person to realize that I'm getting better. As such, just because YOU don't think you're getting better doesn't mean that aren't getting better. Are you not 10000x better than when you were 14 years old?? I, too, have borderline personality disorder (BPD). I only now see the depths of it. Like you, I met someone who was truly a gift -- she is my new AA sponsor who happens to also be an LCSW who specialized in BPD. I will be starting individual and group therapy soon. In the meantime, I bought this audiobook last night (when I listen to audiobooks, I cannot hear the BPD noise in my head) and it is giving me a lot of hope: *link removed*
  4. I tapered off 45 mg Remeron under the guidance of my psychiatrist. Taper took months. Had been on Remeron for 10 years. There is NOTHING to lose by tapering slowly.
  5. Eat something. Insanity can be induced from not eating. Even if you're not hungry, eat something.
  6. Raging alcoholic? I hear you! I am too. Loved alcohol -- it melted the barbed wire inside, turned off the screaming voices in my head, took away the constant pressure I always felt. Reeking of self hatred, self-pity, regret, resentments, fear, loneliness. "Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink" and that I did. Alcohol was my solution for a long time. It worked. Eventually, I couldn't get drunk no matter how much I drank. The voices were becoming deafening, the barbed wire tearing me up from the inside out and I was imploding from the internal pressure. I wanted to die because I didn't know how to live. Unlike you, I did not know I was an alcoholic. That took time. I just thought I was crazy. I went to meetings and listened to the people share. Here are sober alcoholics that you can listen to amidst your darkness and drinking: *link removed*
  7. I have borderline personality disorder. All the characteristics of it fit me like a glove. For years I didn't know what was wrong with me. I have been sober in AA, clean of bulimia and gambling yet struggled all my life with wanting to die regardless of how good or bad things were in my life. I didn't understand it. Was I not working a good enough 12-step program? Was my Higher Power too small? My AA sponsor recently told me to go to therapy as I had "problems other than alcohol." Yes, I knew that. I called the counseling center she recommended. Had the intake appointment but didn't hear back for 4 weeks. Called them. Asked why I hadn't been contacted. Finally a woman called me. She wasn't an intern, she wasn't a therapist--she was a peer counselor. Huh? I told my sponsor. She said, "that'll work." I ended up letting go of this sponsor -- I knew I needed more help than what a peer counselor could provide--I needed serious help. My sponsor didn't know what BPD was. I needed help from people who knew what BPD was. Yes I had depression, OCD, social anxiety, numerous addictions BUT these ALL fit under the diagnosis of BPD!! Through a series of circumstances, I spoke to a woman in AA and shared about the peer counselor. "You need to see a Ph.D. or an LCSW" she exclaimed. She is an alcoholic but also an LCSW who specializes in borderline personality disorder. She described me exactly. It helped my whole life make sense--suicidal feelings since age 7, alcoholism/bulimia/gambling/sugar addiction, OCD, social anxiety and more. She is now my new AA sponsor. And she directed me to get help for BPD. I will be starting individual and group therapy for borderline personality disorder soon. Last night, I literally just bought this book (I bought the audiobook version of the book because when I'm listening to the book, I cannot hear the noise in my head) and it confirmed for me that I have BPD and is helping me immensely with my suicidal thoughts: *Link removed*
  8. You are not crazy. I was on 45 mg Remeron for 10 years beginning in 2001. It helped me immensely. I bottomed out with gambling, hit a bottom with alcoholism and it was part of what saved my life -- gambling treatment (individual and group), AA sponsor with whom I worked the steps, Remeron 45 mg. In 2011, my life felt more stable, I had been clean of gambling and was sober with a strong foundation in AA. Over the course of 15 years though, my weight climbed up to 188 -- over 70 pounds from the time I first started taking antidepressants. In 2011, I began the taper off process under the guidance of a psychiatrist. I did it slowly, very slowly. Gradually the weight came off. You are not crazy -- one of the physiologic side effects of mirtazapine is weight gain: *link removed* Mirtazapine saved my life. I was drowning on so many levels and it was a heavy, "I'm drowning and dying" life jacket. People who are drowning and dying desperately need thick powerful life jackets. Until they're not drowning. Until they learn to swim. Until they are at the shallow end and can put their feet on the ocean or pool floor. It took a very long time for that to happen. I felt like you felt -- numb and hungry. Let it save your life. Find ways to exercise. Make sure you're stable. Very stable. You'll know when you're feeling the ocean floor and maybe, just maybe, don't need such a heavy life jacket. My taper was very, very slowly that took months. It took 10 years for me to get to that point. Until then, I just learned to accept the hunger and start bike riding, running and such because I needed that dose of 45 mg until I didn't anymore. It took time. A long time. I don't know what your answers are or what your path will be. I do definitely relate to what you wrote and just wanted you to know that.
  9. "Heightened anxiety and depressive feelings, loss of appetite, more restless sleep, difficulty concentrating, anhedonia. Strange given how well I was doing just last week. I did drink too much Sunday night (it was a long weekend) and have developed a habit of drinking more than I ought to on weekends. That puts me in a tailspin sometimes, but it doesn't normally last this long." Try not drinking for a month. If you drank a lot, the withdrawals from drinking can result in much of what you've described. I am a recovering alcoholic and was on Remeron for 10 years. I have been off Remeron for over 5 years. I can still get depressed and anxious for numerous reasons, I just don't drink no matter what as oblivion is only temporary.
  10. You're not crazy regarding the weight gain on mirtazapine (Remeron) as this is a common side effect. It can be very crazymaking to be gaining weight and craving carbs, at least that was my experience. I found that even when I was really careful what I ate, the weight didn't decrease much. As such, I went online and learned why this occurred. I can't find the papers I read but this paper does explain the etiology. Remeron really, really helped me recover from a low bottom but the weight gain was discouraging. After having been on it for about 10 years, I tapered off of it with the guidance of my psychiatrist and therapist. Gradually, my weight returned to normal.
  11. I took it for 10 years and it was one of many tools that helped me immensely. My daily dose was 45 mg and it, along with individual and group therapy for the first couple years and 12-step meeting thereafter allowed me to function and complete many goals. In 2011, I wanted to taper off of it and did over a four-month period. I have been medication-free since July 2011. I will always be grateful for Remeron -- it was there at my bottom and helped me recover from it.
  12. "To all of you that made to the end, Thanks, but I am now off to go build a wall around my heart with an iron clad gate but this time there will be no key to open it." Suggestion: read "The Knight in Rusty Armor."
  13. Welcome here. Please also share this in the Wellbutrin forum as it is exactly for folks taking this medication.
  14. When my cat Jamie whom I had for 19 years passed away, the Rainbow Bridge poem and website helped me immensely. Here is the link to the website where there are pet loss forums: *link removed* And here is the poem: Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... Author unknown...
  15. Could the Xanax be the problem especially combined with Effexor? What if you eliminated the Xanax and just relied on Effexor alone as you did in the past and then re-evaluate after a few weeks if it is the Effexor?
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