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darkdaxter last won the day on January 24 2013

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About darkdaxter

  • Birthday 12/20/1990

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  1. I'm 22, and I feel like I wasted most of my life. I can relate. But I agree with the others. You've done so much in spite of your own neuroses. You've come so far and can do so many things that a lot of people on this forum are still dreaming about doing some day. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you should be happy because it's pointless. If you're not, you're not. And if you never are, oh well. It's like Adam Corolla says in one of The Joe Rogan Experience podcasts. "The advice I would give is... You're never going to feel like my buddy Donny sitting in the next room feels. Because he grew up with a family that, I think they had his first solid BM put in lucite and his mom still uses it as a paperweight, or it's hanging from the rearview mirror of her Denalli... I'll liken it to this. It's like a car that got rolled over a few times and no matter how much tape and bondo you put on it there's always going to be that door on the passenger side that's a little sticky. It's never going to shut right; it's never going to shot like a car that never got rolled. You got rolled. You got T-boned by a drunk driver at some point, and your door is always going to be a little sticky. That ain't a death sentence... The point is the rest of the world. You show them a person who's a good person, or a happy person, or a good husband, or a good employee, or a good father, or a good neighbor. You show them that person, and they'll take your word for it." So you wasted your 20's. Whether or not you did is debatable. But either way, do you want to waste your 30's too? Do you want to waste your 40's? Your 50's? If you think you feel bad now, if you let this opportunity go now you'll regret it for the rest of your life. That extra life experience is important. It's shaped who you are today. It's been integral into sculpting you into who you are now. You can't get them back and do them over as you are now, but you can learn from your mistakes and not repeat them again. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself for not being quite as quick about it as the hotshot 21 year olds, work twice as hard as they do. Put your frustrations into your job, pour your anger and sorrow into your work ethic. Do your best to be the best at your job you can be. Do the jobs that no one else will do. Be the worker that everyone respects even if they don't all like you. Be the worker that makes everyone else look bad because you're actually doing your job at 110%. That you're actually giving it your all. That you actually still care about this job, your potential career. As long as you're focused on working, you can't focus on being sad. And this focus on work will spark a passion to do you work the best you can. And by doing your job the best you can all of the time (because your best fluctuates day to day), and showing that you are interested in the job and all of its parts (not just yours), and taking the advice of your peers, you will sculpt yourself into the very best employee that you can be. And people will notice that. You might not get rewarded for it. You might catch a lot of flack for it. But eventually you will start to move up the chain. I guarantee it. It's not that hard to impress your boss, all you have to do is actually care about the work you're doing. Don't get so perfectionist about it you don't try at all. Try, make mistakes, you're new, you're supposed to. Every mistake you make will teach you more than any success. And it will ensure you never make the same one again! It'll take a couple months, but eventually you'll catch the rhythm. Eventually you'll hit your stride and become comfortable there because you know your job. And when you know your job, you can do it efficiently and are better able to learn how to do it even more efficiently and learn about other parts of the job. Show your bosses a company man. They'll want to give him a spot in an office somewhere. It might take a couple years, but once you get that office (especially if you aren't a jerk about your new authority), you'll have sway over your employees. And because you won't be some hotshot 21 year old who STARTED in management, you'll actually know what working there is like. You'll be able to sympathize with the employees. You'll be able to be a better boss than your boss, and not only will your new bosses like you, but your employees will start to like you too. They might not at first of course, and some might never, but people recognize a reasonable man. It's easy to hate someone who's ignorant and really has no idea what the job entails. It's hard to hate someone who knows the job in and out and gives you reasonable deadlines and makes your workspace a little easier to work in. Cut yourself a break, and start climbing that ladder. You'll be glad you did. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll have a glowing reference!!
  2. I had my first MDE when I was 10/11. Second started when I was 15 and ended just before I turned 19. Third started when I was 19 and ended when I was 20. I am 22 now, and between all of those periods (and currently) I experienced dysthymia. So officially, something like 12 years. The last time I remember being genuinely happy on my birthday/christmas (right next to each other) was when I was 6. After that I faked it. I wasn't exactly depressed or dysthymic, but I wasn't happy either, rather I was scared out of my mind about EVERYTHING most of the time. Mom made sure of that. :P I also often felt neglected, and from an even younger age felt I didn't get enough attention, so I was always vying for it. Still those times, while not exactly happy or carefree, were better than I'd ever felt when I was dysthymic, including the best dysthymic period I've ever experienced which were the years between my first and second MDE's. Most of them were soul-crushing, but I could still feel joy from things for a longer duration of time, instead of it immediately evaporating or ceasing to form. But those summers were fun, despite having surgery in most of them, because I could play games all day. Until I lost the ability to get fully absorbed into them during my second MDE. I can sometimes get partially absorbed with a game and lose track of time, but it's just not the same. So the way I look at it, it's been 12 years. Some might say differently. EDIT: I think more than anything, it was the fact that I felt loved. After my first MDE, I began to question/doubt that I was loved. And during my second I learned that I wasn't loved, but still part of me doubted it. Recently, that doubt has been eliminated. They love the me they wish I was, not me. Not who I am. Not who I was. Maybe that explains the difference better.
  3. Deimos. I absolutely love everything about that post you made. You are a man who can laugh at himself and call himself on his faults, and I respect that type of man. I also appreciate how you single-handedly resurrected this thread because you liked it so much, because upon reading it I very much liked it as well. All the posters on here were people who used to post much more frequently, and I miss them in a way. It takes me back... But quite simply put, there will always be people that hate you. 100% of people will never like you. It's completely impossible. Take it from a fellow chronically depressed misanthropic workaholic. My bosses love me. My coworkers want to hate me because I make them look bad. But I'm so nice, they begin to hate themselves for hating me. Plus, they can generally see through my happy facade because there are many days where I simply cannot even smile. Days when I hate everyone and everything. Days when I want to d**. And it's extra hard to hate that type of person. Doesn't stop people from talking crap about you. And because I have a disgusting habit of making promises to continue talking to people when I'm done working them and then avoiding them because I have AvPD no matter how much I like them because I have made no real progress in my life and I want them to see me as something of a success in progress. I want to be able to say I have SOMETHING. So I avoid them. And then they most assuredly (in my mind) hate me. So I avoid them more. You can't please everyone. You can't even please one person 100% of the time. And people will talk about you, oh they will. You just have to learn to take it less personally. Chances are they are venting their frustrations with their own sh***y life onto you unfairly. Everyone does this sometimes. In your mind tell this person to go f*** off. Take delight in the imagined pain and suffering you give them if you have to. Do what you have to do to get rid of this anger. Vent your stresses. But don't stoop to their level. Then do your best to convert the remaining energy into SUPER-WORKER's work ethic, or MR. AWESOME's winning smile. Furthermore, in response to the original topic. I find that the people who shout the loudest and sound the most obnoxious are the people who are often the most INSECURE. Someone who constantly has to tell you about how happy they are is probably trying to delude themselves that they are. Someone who is constantly railing against people who just don't accept their alternative lifestyle are probably themselves insecure with this lifestyle. Someone who is constantly trying to judge you or give you advice is trying to delude themselves into believing how smart and together they are by convincing you. Someone who is constantly trying to bring you down is someone who is bitter and angry and wants you to share in their pain or blame it on you. Someone who is constantly trying to lift you up is probably in a terrible place themselves and at least wants someone to be happy. The people who go around looking apathetic about everything, are closer to normal. The people who go around all smiles and giggles are probably terribly unhappy and just want someone to think they are so they can have company. If you think any of these observations are false, think about it. Think about the gay kid in your highschool who had to talk about how gay he was and how no one accepted it ALL THE TIME. Think about the stoner who'd rather be lazy and get high than confront his life and blames everything in his life on filter being illegal. Think about how many of the class clowns you used to know became alcoholics or drug addicts. Think about your own past or current insecurities and how you tried to hide them. Someone who actually accepts themselves for who they are doesn't need to talk about it all the time. Someone who is actually satisfied or content with life doesn't need to talk about it all the time. Someone who is trully weird and random doesn't need to go to such great lengths to prove to you how zany and off the wall they are, you'll know! Those who shout the loudest are probably the most shy! Those who take blatant and foolish risks are the most scared. Those who are always angry at everyone else are really just mad at themselves. The only people I consistently despise (other than people who stomp on others to make themselves feel better or use others suffering for their own gain), are people who cannot be honest with themselves. If you cannot be honest with yourself about your own faults then you will never be happy because you will never improve upon them. You will wander life wondering why nothing ever works out when you and your behavior are the problem! Honesty with yourself, is by far one of the most important things there is. Being able to laugh at yourself is also up there. And learning to love yourself for who you are tops the list!
  4. With most meds (including pain-killers and sleep-aids), typically what happens is you cause your liver to do TWICE the work. See most drugs/medications are processed by your liver. So if you drink and take pills (of any kind), your liver is now working twice as hard. This will result in you getting drunk much more quickly. I'm talking after number two or three, you will at least be far too inebriated to drive. I wouldn't go so far as to say it will prevent your medication from working (because I've never been on one that WORKED), but I will say that the addition of alcohol will further change the chemical soup in your brain. When you're sober, the effects of alcohol can be pleasant. When you're on AD's, it's not pleasant to say the least. Many have accidentally blacked out (quite early of course) and done some foolish and crazy things. I have not (I got all that out of my system when I first STARTED drinking in college lol). It's not going to give you a seizure, but it's not going to make you feel good either. If you absolutely must drink in the future, limit yourself to one/two beers, one glass of red/white, or one shot of alcohol. The better decision would be to give your meds an honest chance to do their job. If you've already decided you want to give up meds and become a hardened alcoholic, continue doing this. When you finally come off the meds, your tolerance will be SKY HIGH. I am of course being sarcastic. Pick one or the other. If your friends are pressuring you to drink with your meds (like mine used to), there's a good chance they're lousy friends! If they won't stop, simply ask them if they even want you to be happy because drinking on your medication will not make you happy! They'll probably heff and haw because they are so good at being your friends they are completely ignorant of what your illness/medication entails, and insist that they do want you to be happy and "loosen up." In a deadpan voice, tell them that it will give you a seizure if you do so. That will SHUT THEM UP. Of course this won't work if you already drank in front of them last night... but in the future, keep that in mind.
  5. 7) ALLERGIES! By far the thing that effects sleep the most, is the one thing no one ever bothers to think about! ALLERGIES! Specifically, respiratory allergies. You can keep the pollen outside of your home, but that's not your greatest enemy. DUST MITES!!!!!!!!!! are, along with dust and mold. Most people who are allergic to dust or mold develop an allergy to dust mites if they don't have one already. Contrary to popular belief, they don't live in dust. They mostly live in your bed! Mostly in your innerspring mattress. They are microscopic. You can't see them. You can't feel them. And dust, is actually their waste product. After enough accrues, it can function as a habitat. Dust mites are devilish little deviants. They feed on dead skin cells, which along with clothing and carpet fibers (and dirt and hair follicles) account for most of the dust in our homes. As much hair we shed, we shed MONUMENTALLY many more dead skin cells. This is why showering is important! And why dusting your room is important. But along with dusting comes beating out your rugs, sheets, covers, and pillows. And washing them as well. What most people don't realize is that the amount of dust mites in the average American home is large enough to cause allergic symptoms in non-allergic people or cause them to develop an allergy. The symptoms of this allergy are those typical for dehydration and respiratory allergies. Lots of sneezing, wheezing, coughing, clogged lungs, asthma, and rhinitis. The allergic reaction to dust mites constantly dehydrates you. This creates headaches, constipation, migraines, dry skin, irritated skin, eczema, red and irritated eyes, and in particularly bad reactions or long periods of sleep: inflammation/swelling of the throat, inflammation of the eyes, and mucousal linings that seemingly almost "seal shut" your lips and eyelids (think liquid eyecrust). EWWWWWW! And of course insomnia/hypersomnia. Most people who live with this allergy consistently experience these symptoms throughout their lives. In addition (especially in adolescence) they are VERY prone to respiratory infections/diseases, to the point where they are seemingly CONSTANTLY SICK. These chronic infections (caused by the weakened immune system from the combination of the dehydration and worsened sleep quality) typically end up causing infections of the tonsils/adenoids. Many people who have narcolepsy, also have a dust mite allergy. I don't believe in exclusivity among sleep disorders. I believe that if your sleep hygiene is bad or gets bad enough, you will naturally begin to experience symptoms of worse and worse sleep disorders. They feed into each other in a terrible little cycle. They can cause or worsen depression (no one feels good if they don't get enough sleep!). They can cause any myriad of complications in your life. So if this sounds like anyone, go to your allergist and discuss your options. Go to your friends and family, and have them help you clean your room (wear a cloth respirator while doing so). Remove your carpets, buy a dehumidifier for your bedroom, leave your bed unmade, wash your linens every week in 130 degree water, buy specialty mattress/pillow casings, and shower regularly. Start using a neti-urn. Keep as many surfaces in your room flat/bare, and store things in your closet in BOXES. It makes dusting a lot easier. For more information, there are a myriad of articles on the subject. Simply search dust mite allergy. This is something you can't do alone. That's why it's so hard for me to get a handle on mine. EDIT: Lol I apologize for all the reading material. But ask a narcoleptic about trouble sleeping, and he (or more likely SHE) will tell you EVERYTHING there is to know. I do many of these bad behaviors. I have a TV at the foot of my bed because my room is small, and I prefer to cut down socialization with the rest of my family. When I drink with friends, it's always before I go to sleep. And I have a very difficult time keeping my room clean and my allergies under control. I am like MOST AMERICANS :P But this doesn't make my words any less true! Any physician will likely give you the same disclaimer or a pamphlet about it, if they haven't already thrown sleeping pills at you.
  6. I have had sleep problems for the bulk of my life. I experienced narcoleptic symptoms for the latter half of my life, but they mysteriously went into remission a year and a half ago. After much inquiry and thought on the subject, I expect it was due to a number of things. I had upped my physical activity to extreme levels (for me), working out with a personal trainer, working a swing shift, mowing lawns, and trying to make time for socializing. There were many days where I would pass out for aggregious amounts of time. And there were two days where I slept more than 24 hours. Once I fell asleep at 4pm and woke up at 6:30pm the next day. Another time I fell asleep at 10am and woke up at 2pm the next day. Crazy, right? But after that, I completely stopped all other activities and focused on doing one thing at a time. It was the first time I was only working or only going to school. While that wasn't the best choice for progressing forward in life, it certainly made it easier for me to stay awake in school. Ideally, I like to wake up at 8:30am. These days, that's around when I first fall asleep. Trying to change that. It takes me a couple hours to get fully functional. And I'm practically useless before I get caffiene in me. I need to start drinking coffee instead of soda. But I don't know how I'm going to exactly brew it in the morning :P Let alone stock it for myself every day. If I have to, I can be out the door in 10 minutes. I have been forced to do this many times in my life (especially in regards to school). If I do that though, the day is going to SUCK. I know a lot about sleep hygiene, here's what I've personally learned:
  7. Don't make outside horrors personal. If you personalize all the bad things about human society, it will drive you crazy. Simply put, you as one person can't do all that much to change it. You can't buy a comically large band-aid and apply it to societal wounds. What you can do is do your small part to make the world a better place, whether it's volunteering or being nice to people. Even if it's just holding the door open for someone. People appreciate that kind of thing, and while they may never do it for you, if they're a stranger it doesn't really matter because you won't see them again! On the other hand, if they are someone you do know well. If they are someone with whom you frequently socialize, and they treat you like crap despite how nice you treat them, then you need to cut your ties with that person. Don't do this immediately though. Some people are going through difficult times and are harsh to others as a result. Some people try to push everyone who cares away. My rule of thumb is that as long as somebody is TRYING, you don't stop being nice to them and you don't give up on them. However, if all they're doing is complaining and complaining and aren't doing anything to better themselves or other people, then wash your hands of them. Surround yourself with like-minded (in niceness, differences are good for worldly perspective) and positive (towards you, they probably won't be happy all the time either) people, and the world will start to seem like a more positive place. Forming such positive relationships in life is very difficult and time-consuming. Being more active on here is a great way to start!
  8. Misanthropy is proof that someone is awake and conscious of the world around them. We are the ancestors of the jerks, the "I GO FIRST!"s, not the "YOU GO FIRST!"s. That's part of the problem. As we went on down the genetic line, these traits increased our chances of survival, so they became encouraged in our gene pool. Considerate people died out because they spent their entire lives helping others instead of helping themselves. Even today these traits are justified in the economic world. CEO's can be some of the most cruel and cutthroat people because it takes that kind of selfishness, greed, and complete lack of empathy to make a company grow. Being a good businessman, isn't always aligned with being a good person. It also doesn't help that the media encourages this kind of behavior. You can see it in everything. "I just want to get mine!" (but I'm not going to give anything back to my community)! Charity is encouraged by TAX DEDUCTIONS! We always need INCENTIVE to do good things. Donate to these people in need, you'll get this! I think we should take a page from certain Asian cultures. Because they have been overpopulated for so long (as compared to America and Europe's relatively recent overpopulation), China, Japan, Korea, and India are focused less on helping themselves and more on helping their neighbor. Islamic societies are very big on helping those in need as well. The flip coin is the amount of fierce competition, intolerance, and ignorance such a society can breed. Not everyone is an upstanding citizen or has people who helped them out, so automatically assuming someone else will take care of it isn't always the best policy. Their selfishness is simply on a grander, more societal scale than others'. This brings me to believe that this selfishness is just an inherent part of human nature. Of nature even. You're correct that being able to think about our actions should deter us from doing bad things. But the fact is that most people don't think about what they do, let alone think that it's bad. That's why education is so important. Most people who go through hard times come out one of two ways. Some of them come out very embittered and even more self-absorbed as a result. Most others come out much nicer and empathetic because they can relate to bad experiences. I think our job as nice people and aspiring nice people, is simply to spread our niceness. Contrary to popular belief, it is infectious. Simply put, if we are nice, we are enabling others to be nice as well. The most difficult part about being nice and understanding is avoiding getting taken advantage of. The ideal situation is managing to be nice and understanding without getting taken for all you have. In the future though, I think this is more of an educational problem than anything else. If we teach our children to look out for each other, they will. If we teach tolerance and forgiveness, they will be tolerant and forgive others. It's not that competition is bad because competition brings out the best ideas and gets you the best things. It's about not hurting others in order to bring you to a higher rung in the competition. NOTE: Sometimes being nice can mean being confrontational too. But as most scapegoats will tell you, if someone can speak for themselves, let them do so. Because they will be just as quick to scapegoat you as the problem too to clear their own names. So you have to keep that in mind and pick your battles. If it's not important, let it go. If it is, then fight for it. There's a clear difference between being nice and being overaccomodating!
  9. Getting ready to go out. Giving Dylan and his friends another shot. Going to watch WWE on pay-per-view at Hooters. I don't like wrestling, nor his friends the first couple times I met them. But I figure how much worse could they be than Stefan and his friends? And besides, I'll probably get a couple free drinks out of it. I would've rather gone to Anime-Con with my sister this morning, but there was simply no way I was both going to be up before 9am and able to stay awake till 5pm. Cuz if I'm up by 9, I haven't even been able to go to sleep :P Wish it would've been later in the day >_>
  10. dot hack dot hack sign, da da da da da da da daaaaaaa dot hack dot hack sign, da do da do da do deeee-eeeee dee do daa da doh, dee do da da-ay (dee do da da-ay) dee do da day doh, dee do da-ay-ay (dee do da-ay-ay) dot hack dot hack sign... lol See-Saw - Obsession the .Hack//Sign opening theme
  11. Take another long walk at night and come home and eat ice cream again! Did that on Thursday. Didn't help the insomnia, but I felt a bit better. It's nicer out at night, and the calm and quiet makes it more peaceful. I wish there were less mosquitos though.
  12. I tried calling them Thursday morning, and he wasn't in. I fell asleep two hours later waiting by the phone. Yesterday morning, I called and broke the news that I wasn't coming back. He was disappointed and then asked me how everything was going. I'd planned out what I was going to say many times, but I could only stutter out, "I'm okay, I guess." I thought I would feel better after I finally called them up, but instead I felt a lot worse. I felt so bad for letting them all down. I can only imagine what they'll say, especially the s***-talkers there who talk about everyone the second they leave the room... Night out with Stefan: My perception of Stefan Joe Rogan/Self-Improvement Discovery/Float Tanks... IF NOTHING ELSE READ THIS BIT!
  13. Meeting with someone who used to be your best friend and seeing how little they changed. How great it is at first, then how ugly it is. Especially when you wonder how in the world you were ever friends with such a selfish and disgusting person in the first place, and they tell you about all the friends they've moved onto that they're treating like crap now. It's just REPUGNANT! Go ahead and abandon your own cousin when he needs you most. Go ahead and tiptoe around suicidal people and make light of people's illnesses. Go ahead and blame it all on a lack of medication or a crappy life, and then do absolutely nothing to help change their crappy lives. Go ahead and leave them when the road gets even a bit bumpy. Just don't talk to me about how hard it is to make friends. These same people want nothing to do with me (your loser/downer/desperate/suicidal "friend"). But for some reason they want or wanted everything to do with you, and you failed them. Just like you failed me. And then when they realize this and leave you alone, you wonder what ever happened and why you aren't friends anymore. You're a revolting piece of trash. I still want to give a party with you and your crowd a shot. But if any of you even remotely make light of other people's suffering, I am going to go off. I am going to tell you exactly what a horrible person you are. And I am going to be perfectly content with never seeing you or any of the people in your company ever again. No matter how many hot girls are there. Because you act so much better than other abusive/neglectful people, when you are no better. You are exactly like my parents. >_>
  14. DF, Netflix, a little FB, and Youtube.
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