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Everything posted by callierose303

  1. Rhyl, So sorry to hear this has been going on for you. I do understand the ebb and flow of PTSDc as well. I don't know all the details of your history with your psychiatrist and now your general physician but I wonder if you would be able to call the office and ask to speak with the doctor directly? Or if you are needing to change physicians doing the same with a new physician of your choice? Explain the situation you are in and your history with PTSD and what you need and if they are willing to provide that. Just a thought. Again, sorry you have been triggered and things are so tough right now. You are in my thoughts
  2. Hi KS I'm so sorry you are going through this too. I'm sorry to hear the pain it is causing you both. Like you, my therapist is my main support system. I didn't realize it was going to hurt this much. My thoughts are with you too. Callie
  3. Hi I am diagnosed with Recurrent Severe Depression and Anxiety and PTSD. I have been with my therapist for 6 years, going pretty much weekly that whole time. I had noticed about a year ago that he was exhibiting some signs of Parkinson's disease. I asked him about it maybe 6-8 months ago and he confirmed my suspicions but reassured me he had no plans to leave his practice and when and if he got to that point he would give me 4-6 months notice so we could work through the termination process. Last week, as soon as I sat down, he told me he is retiring at Christmas. I was dumbstruck. I know that it must be because his health is deteriorating and his is finding continuing to work too hard, but I'm a mess. We have 8 weeks left together. He is the only one I've told all the details of my nightmarish childhood. I can't stop breaking down, sobbing. I've tried to talk to a couple of friends, but no one gets it (except one close DF friend). They don't understand how strong a therapist-client bond is and don't understand why I'm such a mess. Recurrent thoughts of s*icide are a daily thing. Everyone keeps saying "You'll get another therapist". I can't even think about that. The thought of starting over after 6 years.......I feel sick. And he told me maybe I could write him a letter about how I'm feeling about the news (because I completely shut down after he told me and left halfway through). I did write him a short letter and dropped it off a couple of days later and .....nothing. Normally he will call to discuss the letter (we've done this before), or at least for him to say he understands how I'm feeling. But this time, when I really needed a response. I get nothing. Part of me just wants to swallow all the pain and sadness and just never go back, but I know I owe it to him and to myself to go back and try for whatever time if left. Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? How did you cope?
  4. lp44 It hurts my heart to read your post. You know I understand though. Please know that even though you may not value you right now, others do. I do. And although it can all seem so hopeless and futile, there is hope if we don't allow the depression to tell us otherwise. Wow, that sounds hokey, even to me. But you know what I'm saying. Keep doing the best you can, keep going to T when you can, try to avoid the dangerous behaviours that may put you in a situation you regret. We care about you.
  5. I'm really sorry to hear this. I would be terribly upset too. I wonder if maybe this was an error. That the person who called you wasn't aware that he had planned to see you again and called you by mistake (probably doing mass calling to majority of patients) It sounds like you had a good relationship with your therapist and that he wouldn't drop you like that. Is there a way you can contact him directly to find out if that's what he really wanted? At a minimum you could call the line manager back and explain that he had planned to see you and that you are really upset that you've been dismissed without the opportunity to speak to him. It's worth a call at least. Again, I'm really sorry to hear this has happened. I think it would be very upsetting for anyone who's been with a therapist for a long time. Take good care
  6. Hi Susan47 I have a similar story with some different contributing factors. I have recurrent severe depression and anxiety, dysthymia, and PTSD. I am in my 40's (shhhhh) and am single so I spend most of my time alone. When I go on vacation I am almost always with someone (usually a friend) so I do tend to "be better" when on vacation. Whether it's the company or the distraction I'm not sure. But I do feel better when on vacation. I too, still lack interest in most things that I used to enjoy despite not feeling so low (I think that's the dysthymia part - we never really get over that threshold "blah-ness"). I am on a couple of different meds but have never seemed to breakthrough the baseline blue's. I hope the increase in your Zoloft helps. Callie
  7. I'm so sorry to hear this. Please reach out to your T or your pdoc. I truly believe you need to be off work, if even for a bit. I hold out hope that deep down you don't really want to do anything permanent. So many people will feel your loss. I know I would be crushed if you did something. I know life is so very hard for you, but there has to be another way, and you have to be willing to put yourself first, which I know seems next to impossible for you. So many people love and care about you. Please reach out to someone who can help. C
  8. Hello DF Members, It always surprises me, every time the black, heavy weight of depression descends. It surprises me how exhausted I can be from doing nothing. It surprises me how I can feel it coming on and have no control over it. It just surprises me....Every.... Time.
  9. Sorry to hear this lp44. I know you need more peaceful moments. And not sleeping contributes to things being so much harder. Any chance you can talk to your pdoc about getting something to help with sleep. Maybe something milder than before? Would you consider a low does benzo? For me it helps reduce the anxiety and racing thoughts that inevitably come at night. Take care
  10. I'm really sorry you are still struggling with feeling this way. I wish I had been there for you. You know I'm always here if you need an ear, or to chat. Hoping things have improved a little since your original post. Callie
  11. I know. But I can't allow myself to believe that this is the best or the only path for you.
  12. Sorry, not going to let go of you. Not going to give up on you. Don't give up on yourself. There is a way through this.
  13. I'm sorry there are so many of you who feel as I do. I know it is common with depression. It's just it's painful to be with people, and it's painful to be alone.
  14. I so desperately just want to be left alone. My personality is such that I would never be honest if someone asked to stop by or come over, but the whole time I'm with them, I'm just thinking, "leave me alone". I know people don't understand. I actually develop anxiety when I know someone is coming and I have to be "on". It's so exhausting. I know people care and are just doing what they know how to do, but I feel like they aren't respecting what I feel I NEED to do for me right now.
  15. Thanks for everyone's comments. He did call me back and we spoke. He said he wondered where I had gone but assumed I may have gone to my summer home (it's April???) lol. He really is a good T. I just get myself into these messes. It's amazing what an F'd up childhood can do to you, even many many years later.
  16. I know you are right Fizzle. Thanks for your kind and helpful words. I did leave a message for him last night. I'll wait for his call today. Still feeling like I "lost" in this battle though, that isn't a battle at all!
  17. Thanks Fizzle. He is a good T. I suspect, as you suggested, he sees me as being fairly independent and in all fairness is probably just giving me some space, not realizing I need to know that SOMEONE cares. Unfortunately I am placing that on him. I know it's not being fair to him. I have been seeing him for 5.5 years now and I'm sure he thinks he knows me. I'm complex though (lol) and need sometimes to know that when I completely disappear, it's noticed. I'm putting it in the wrong place though I know. You are right, I need to reach out. I may try to leave a message for him tonight. The thing that bothers me, is in my twisted way, I feel like I'm "giving in" by making contact first. Even as I write this it sounds insane. Ugh
  18. Thanks to both of you. I know it's not realistic for him to follow up on everyone. But knowing that doesn't seem to be helping :o I need to just GO and put all this silliness behind me but I'm stubborn and now I've dug my heels in....ugh
  19. Ok, so this is going to sound pretty stupid. I normally go to therapy very regularly (weekly) without fail. I recently had to go off my antidepressants due to some heart issues. Things have been pretty rough being off of them. I haven't been to therapy in over a month. I know I should go and that it might help, but I am irritated that my T hasn't checked in on me to see why I suddenly stopped coming. I guess I just want him to give a sh!t that I just disappeared. I hear about all these other people's T's who text them, or call them etc. It just makes me feel yet again, that I'm just pretty worthless and really just $ in his pocket. Stupid, right? I feel like now it's a war of the wills. Who will call first. When in reality I'm sure he's not even thinking about me, maybe doesn't even realize that I've been gone so long. I think this is just the straw that broke the camels back because none of my friends seem to get how hard this is being off my AD's. ARRRGGG
  20. Hi When I first became depressed the second medication I tried was Cymbalta. Along with depression I have fibromyalgia (chronic widespread pain) and Cymbalta made a big difference in my pain. I actually was surprised as I had heard it could help with pain but didn't really believe it. It did help for me, but everyone is different. Good luck to you.
  21. Have you ever talked with your T about what it's like for you in the hours following T? She may be able to offer you some coping mechanisms. T isn't only about talking about our issues but about how to cope with the fallout of it all as well. Maybe part of a session talking about that would be helpful? Sorry it's all so hard. You are not alone.
  22. That's just it.....you just need to make it through one moment, and then focus on the next.
  23. You need to be able to talk to someone about all that is going on. Go to T. It's ok to go as often as you need to, to get through this very rough time.
  24. Sorry you are experiencing this lp44. I experience these as well. I get "trapped" in mine where I half wake up but am not fully awake, cannot move, then fall right back into the same nightmare. It is exhausting. I agree with Fizzle that it is our brains trying to work some of the past. Talk to your T. There might be something she can offer to help. I hope they go away soon. Additional life stress doesn't help either. I find when I am more stressed I get more nightmares.
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