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Mind Slave

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Everything posted by Mind Slave

  1. I come and go, when opportunity permits me. :]

  2. Completely understandable. My comment -- so that you understand better -- was more general advice about a general matter. In the end, there are some people, no matter how well we may "click" with them, that just don't committ enough positive actions to make up for the negative affects they have on us. Such relationships shouldn't be given the time to develop, as they'll just hurt more and more with time. Through all the sharks and parasites you'll inevitably encounter on your search, eventually you'll find your fish in the sea. -A
  3. You're welcome, I'm glad you've found some strength from my comment. I hope it aids you well in getting through what you need to get through. You'll be fine, just keep moving ahead, and don't let anything slow you down. :)

  4. You've lived an interesting life. I think that's something you should look at. Consider a novel, and the characters within. What keeps us hooked, and reading, anticipating the next chapter? The tragedy, the unfortunate circumstances, the difficulties, the flaws and the imperfections of each character. We can't wait to find out what's going to happen next, and we always hold hope that the character will make it through. Now if the story were straightforward, with no tragedy, no difficulties, no flaws, no imperfections, would it be so exciting? Would it teach us anything? You may have a different opinion on that analogy, but there's no doubt you've succeeded in overcoming very demanding obstacles. While not everyone in this world will understand or see it, I hope it's some comfort in knowing I have respect for you and what you've accomplished, and you should have the same for yourself. Life will always throw curveballs. Jobs will sometimes be lost, friends will be lost, girlfriends will be lost. It's a part of life. It's not the end of the world and it shouldn't be looked at as such. You pick yourself up, you dust yourself off, and even if your leg is broken it shouldn't keep you from limping to your goal. This is your life. Never settle for anything less than what gives you inner peace and happiness. Every experience in life has value. It becomes a part of our story, and while some things feel too hard to bear, it's such burdens that help us achieve wisdom and courage. In regards to your trouble with finding the "right" girl, I would like you to consider something. A battery has a positive end, and a negative end. It needs both for it to work. Relationships are really, at their core, no different. In science positive and negative electrical charges attract one another, but two charges of the same type repel. Being entirely like someone does not mean that the relationship is perfect. In reality, it can cause it to fall apart. Being in a relationship with someone should teach you new things, about life, and about yourself. And being with someone who is different than you, who has been through different experiences, and has different interests, is part of what helps you grow. It's important to keep an open mind and be willing to learn new things and explore new interests. Don't set yourself in stone, particularly when you are young. Keeping this mindset will not guarantee your next relationship will be perfect, because you also have to accept you are not perfect, and your partner is not perfect. They are a person as much as you are, and you should have respect and appreciation for who they are, and not brush them off because they have an interest that you do not or speak a way that you don't fully understand. Keep an open mind and an open heart, and don't be so quick to judge - unless you are ready to be judged yourself. I play video games as well, and I've played guitar for six years - I love music. If you want to talk, feel free to send me a message. Stay strong. -A
  5. Thank you for your words. It was as well as it could have been. Take care and be well.

  6. Hey, I'm doing well enough. Completely forgot about this place, so I was kinda shocked when I got an e-mail saying I had a "new comment". I quite appreciate the concern. How are things with you?

  7. Fellow New Jerseyan! :D

  8. Cute if you think sloths are cute. But thanks, it was nice talking to you too. :p

  9. You do!! Although I dont know if I want to go in chat much for a while, I kinda messed up and said something stupid.... it was an accident, but I feel awful. If you wanna talk to me on MSN, thats fine. =)

  10. I sent a couple messages to her sister. This is the reply I got: "Alex. STOP IT. my sister has a LIFE now. she doesn't HATE you,but she has a life. She doesn't need to sit around on the computer anymore,and she has friends now. I'm pretty sure you wont hear from her again in a really long time,because she's getting her own apartment and moving out of our house. You're really scarring me man. Not to be rude but STOP calling and STOP sending me freaky messages on here. Just stop it. Get ahold on yourself man! Go find a REAL girlfriend,and some friends. It's not as hard as you may think. Don't reply to this,for the love of god, Rebecca" I was right. She ditched me. And I'm going to **** myself.. Goodnight.
  11. Lol, thanks... if you say so. :)

  12. Excuse me? I'm "obsessive"? She used to freak out when I had to leave her for a few minutes to use the bathroom or something. Your reply seriously angered me and I don't think I can reply to it without getting myself banned from this forum. You don't know who I am nor do you have any right to accuse me of being a stalker or "obsessive". She starts night-long arguments with me over something as simple as me going out for dinner with my uncle, and I'm a freak because she ignores me for an entire week, and I try to call all day to get in touch with her? Is it because I'm male or what? If a moderator sees this, delete the post. I can't take any more vilification for being a human being... Also, nobody just goes and gets a girlfriend. It doesn't happen that way, especially to me. Done with this...
  13. Well, I think she's totally ditched me. Still no word from her, and at this point, even if I do hear something from her, I don't know that I want her in my life anymore. I feel sick. My life just became completely pointless. I am now nothing but a robot.. I work, sleep, eat, work, sleep, eat, work, sleep, eat, for nothing, for nobody. No love. No goal. Just sorrow, loneliness, emptiness. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I should just **** myself.
  14. I can relate with you Hectic. All of my relationships have been long-distant, and I've never had a real relationship with anyone. There are two voices in my head at the moment, so I can't give you one solid description of how I feel. I basically feel like I deserve to have a relationship with someone, and love, and caring... but, there is another voice telling me that I'm not good enough, and that no girl needs nor wants me. I want to believe the first one, but the fact that I have no real girlfriend, or any friends period, pretty much forces me to feel the way the second voice tells me to. That may make no sense whatsoever to you, but there's no other way for me to say it. You're not as alone as you think you are. At least there are other people who are alone, too... -Alex
  15. I wish that I could feel the same way, but, I don't. I am still lonely. I don't enjoy my life. I wish that I were dead, yet at the same time, I would like to live because I know it's possible for it to be better. I just don't know how or when it will be better. I'm happy for you that you've found this in your life. I'm still in the dark, though. Bah, just ignore me... Have a happy holiday. -Alex
  16. Hi, I called tonight and got an answer. Her step-mom picked up and said that she's at work... then, that was it.. she said bye, and I said bye, and... yea. I'm relieved to know she's okay, but, still really upset that I haven't gotten to talk to her. Still don't know whats going on in her life.... blah. :|
  17. Thanks, I really appreciate the quick response. She better have a good reason. The more I think about it, the more p***** off I get. Seriously, unless something extreme has happened, such as a loss in the family, or she was hospitalized (she's nearly been several times, due to stress that gives her unbearable migraines and chest pains), I see no good reason for her not at least contacting me to say, "baby I'm okay, don't worry, I love you and I'll talk to you as soon as I can." It's not hard.... It's really rude, disrespectful, hurtful, and outright mean to leave someone who cares about you in the dark.. whether I am living in the same house as her or I'm 2,000 miles away, I deserve to know whether the one I love is doing well or not.. and what she's up to. Sooooo upset right now... d***.
  18. Hi everyone, I am not a big fan of long-distance relationships. I had one once and it ended up not working. When I met this girl several months ago, I found myself attracted to her, but did not want to do the long-distance relationship thing again (she is in Arizona, I am in New Jersey). However, I realized that she is older than my last girlfriend, a little more mature, and seemingly more commited. And so, I have been developing the relationship with her for the past several months, and it was going very well up until a couple of weeks ago. She got a job working in a restaurant, and I've only been able to talk to her for a half hour every night, if even that. Last Sunday, I spoke with her on the phone and she told me to call her Monday night, since she shouldn't be working double. Well, long story short, I found out she was working double all week, as well as Saturday. I didn't call at all until Sunday... Sunday, I called her house. Dozens of times throughout the day between 11:00 AM and 11:00 PM, no answer whatsoever, just a few rings, and then an answering machine. Her sister didn't answer. Her mother didn't. Her father didn't. And usually at least one of them is home, especially in the evening. Monday, today, I called again at the time we usually talk - 9:00 PM my time - and after seven or eight calls, I got NO answer. And usually her sister is home and answers the phone at this time. So, I haven't spoken to her since Sunday. Needless to say, I am very distressed, and somewhat angry. I understand she is busy, but is she really so busy that she can't take five minutes to call and let me know she's alright? Leaving me in the dark like this is rude and hurtful. I can't imagine she'd ever try to hurt me that way, purposely, but I feel there's some other reason for her not contacting me. Whether she's ignoring me or something happened, I don't know. But I can't carry this on forever. I'll give her until early January at the least to get in touch with me, but if I don't hear anything, I have to go on with my life. I don't trust long-distant relationships for this reason, and I refuse to allow myself to suffer for this. I do love her and it's going to be extremely hard for me to recover from this. Regardless, this isn't the first time I've lost someone I've loved. I just... I thought everything was going well... I was supposed to be coming out to see her in February or March... I will need some support during this crisis otherwise I will most likely attempt suicide (I had put "again" but I haven't attempted before, just planned and ALMOST attempted). Despite how good my life is right now and how mature and experienced I am, I am still depressed, and suffer from suicidal thoughts... this may be enough to push me over the edge. And I can't afford to go back to the hospital, or anything like that!! I have a job and things to do now, and if I try to get professional help, I'll just get put somewhere and I'll have to start my life over when I get out... and it will be even more miserable. The emotional pain is just far too intense.... I need someone to lean on. If anyone can give me advice and support, and friendship, I would greatly appreciate it.. I have very few people to turn to IRL, and I wouldnt want to put that burden on them anyway. Peace and love, Alex
  19. Thank you Ashley, that support means a lot to me, and I will certainly keep it in mind! To put it bluntly.. It really sucks when you're severely depressed, and the people you care about and the people who care about you are the last ones you are comfortable approaching. I've always found it healthier to talk with "strangers" or people who are not particularly close to me.. too many people don't understand depression that well. My girlfriend, for example.. Which is the hardest for me to deal with, but it's not the first time. My ex could count the days she was depressed on one hand. She could never grasp it. Oh well, I'm rambling. Tomorrow I get new clothes for the interview on Friday! I am excited.. I hope everything works out how I plan it to. -Alex
  20. Wonderful, that is really, really great to hear. Everything isn't as bleak as it seems. You're welcome, and good luck! -Alex
  21. Hey there, Oh yea, I'm very much aware of the effects of depression.. And I am seeing a therapist. This disease is not a stranger to me, I've been fighting with him for two years. The main reason I even post here is just to vent. In all honesty, I am not looking for advice or suggestions, because there is nothing to be said that I don't already know. I'm just in one of those ruts again.. Suppose the only thing that I can really do is ignore it, deal with it, and hope that in the long run, everything will smooth out. Thanks for the encouragement though, Ashley. It helps. =) Sarah, Thank you for your encouragement and support. I think it may be that I am a little overwhelmed by things at the moment. In fact, I could probably use a vacation, but there's nothing I can really do right now, especially since I have this job.. But I am really happy about it, it's a good thing, not a bad thing.. And hopefully, it will help me feel better about myself in the long-run. -Alex
  22. "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Edison Hey Ashley, Well first off, you are absolutely not a failure! Just because things don't go exactly how everyone says they "should", doesn't mean you're doing it wrong, or that you have failed. The world is unnecessarily harsh, and in my experience, the ones who try the hardest are the ones who are put down the most. I'm being sort of a hypocrite for saying this, but, the most important person in your life should be yourself. Others opinions and actions will always have an influence on us, regardless of how much we ignore them. What's important is that you keep your mind open to the possibilities, and a firm hold on the steering wheel! It may sound cliche, but, life really is what you make of it. Don't dig your own grave, Ashley! You are not and never will be a failure so long as you have the will to experience life, and succeed in all that you wish to do. As for your situation with school, it is not as final as it may seem. I was in your same position, and I'm really quite shocked that I have my High School Diploma . . . I certainly don't feel like I deserve it sometimes, but I know I do! You see, I had a lot of problem with attendance during Middle School and my Freshman year of HS. Then I finally ended up in a good school, and was able to keep a steady attendance rate, though it did fluctuate here and there, particularly as my depression and stress intensified. Long story short, in my freshman and sophmore years, I had only 1 class a day in my freshman year, and then in my sophmore, 2 classes a day for my first semester, and 3 for the second. It wasn't until 11th grade that I went to school all day, but I had to work extremely hard to make the credits I needed to pass. Needless to say, my depression was getting worse at that point, where I just barely passed. I got straight D's and a C- here and there. Teachers had to cut me some slack to help me get my grade to passing levels, and the only reason they did it was because I was classified, as well as part of a behavioral disorder group / class. In my 12th year, my attendance was horrific for the first month. Then one morning at school, I ended up in crisis because I was on the verge of ******* myself. At the end of September, I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation and, well, this can be hard to believe ... but my muscles had given out due to the intense depression. I also wasn't eating or drinking, since I couldn't move and I did not have the will to even swallow food... When I got out of the hospital, I was a little better, but by November, I was spiraling fast back to where I was at the end of September. I went on homeschooling for the rest of the year, until I graduated.. and the only reason I graduated was because my psychiatrist put me on homeschooling. Ashley, I don't think I was weak for needing that help. I was determined to graduate, and, with all the odds against me... I graduated. Who cared? Very few people. Everyone was far more focused on the next step, rather than on my current achievement. But I am very proud of myself for what I did. I never thought it would happen.. I always thought I'd be dead by this point. I actually planned on dropping out, too.. but I stuck with it. If I can do it, you can too. I believe in you, and the one thing that you "should" do, is believe in yourself. Even if you can't get your high school diploma, you can get your GED, which is the same thing. I'm sorry my reply was so long, but I thought if I told my story, you wouldn't feel so alone or hopeless about the situation. Feeling like a failure is one thing that I'm way too familiar with, but I'm not a failure, and neither are you. Keep the ball rollin', Ashley! -Alex
  23. Well, the woman at the job I wanted called me back! She told me there was an opening in another department and to call back about it. I spoke with the guy there.. he was really, really cool and nice. Sounded kind of disappointed that I wasn't in school or working, but said, "we gotta get you motivated!" and I agreed completely (and I do). So Friday, I am going in with identification, etc. and chances are I will get the job! I AM SO HAPPY I CAN HARDLY CONTAIN MYSELF!!! I can't believe that things actually TURNED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION for once in my life.. thank GOD... or whoever is moving me around the board. UPDATE: Okay... I was excited before, but now I've gotten depressed again. It's bizzare.. I should be happy, but instead I'm depressed... I don't understand it? I'm sitting here listening to Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, Blind Melon, and Alice in Chains.. and... feeling empty. Can't win sometimes...
  24. Just an update ... I am feeling a little better today. Not totally, but a little. I started taking Provigil, though I'm sure it will take a couple weeks for it to kick in. Filled out an application for another store, and I'm gonna go question yet another store about a job in the warehouse... yea... So, I'm still a little down.. But at least things are going in the right direction.... right?
  25. I'm planning on going to Arizona by February or March. How is that going to happen now if I don't have a job? I'm going to keep looking, I heard a local warehouse is hiring. Back-breaking work, long hours, but high pay, and I could probably save up enough money to carry out my plans. Right now, I feel like taking all the money that I have and just going to Arizona now ... take my chances in the "wild". I probably won't do that, but despite all of my efforts, I keep meeting failure after failure, and I can't stand it anymore. Signed, A very distraught man.
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