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gandolfication

Platinum Member
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  1. Like
  2. Like
    gandolfication reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a status update, Because Hump Day needs two....   
    Because Hump Day needs two....

  3. Sad
    gandolfication got a reaction from MargotMontage for a status update, Thanks to all. I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in   
    Thanks to all.
    I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in recent days.
    I have been sleeping a lot, and took a sick day from work yesterday.  I reached out to some people today, and just now wrote out about 2 pages of CBT negative thoughts, errors and corrections.
    I'm just having trouble pushing through the fear.  I keep thinking, sui * ide is better than fighting through this again.  It's very hard for me to spot the fallacy here, or to fully believe there is one.  'This too will pass' just doesn't seem to cut it, because 'this too will also come back,' as it has now with vengeance.
    To be clear:  I am not at immediate risk, lacking access to means as I do presently.  I'm just feeling increasingly desperate, hopeless and unable to cope.  this has always been what this forum is here to share. 
    I suppose if I could waive a wand and have one thing, it would be a break, but there is not one to be had.  There must be a better way to handle this than I did last time in 2008.  I guess it would entail going to my boss, and ... ?saying/asking for a break?  how does that go?  That's the one thing I have to bargain with - I can do this work, d*mn it!
    thx.
  4. Sad
    gandolfication got a reaction from Tilted for a status update, Thanks to all. I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in   
    Thanks to all.
    I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in recent days.
    I have been sleeping a lot, and took a sick day from work yesterday.  I reached out to some people today, and just now wrote out about 2 pages of CBT negative thoughts, errors and corrections.
    I'm just having trouble pushing through the fear.  I keep thinking, sui * ide is better than fighting through this again.  It's very hard for me to spot the fallacy here, or to fully believe there is one.  'This too will pass' just doesn't seem to cut it, because 'this too will also come back,' as it has now with vengeance.
    To be clear:  I am not at immediate risk, lacking access to means as I do presently.  I'm just feeling increasingly desperate, hopeless and unable to cope.  this has always been what this forum is here to share. 
    I suppose if I could waive a wand and have one thing, it would be a break, but there is not one to be had.  There must be a better way to handle this than I did last time in 2008.  I guess it would entail going to my boss, and ... ?saying/asking for a break?  how does that go?  That's the one thing I have to bargain with - I can do this work, d*mn it!
    thx.
  5. Like
    gandolfication reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a status update, My words of wisdom for the day....   
    My words of wisdom for the day....
            

  6. Sad
    gandolfication got a reaction from idkusername465 for a status update, Thanks to all. I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in   
    Thanks to all.
    I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in recent days.
    I have been sleeping a lot, and took a sick day from work yesterday.  I reached out to some people today, and just now wrote out about 2 pages of CBT negative thoughts, errors and corrections.
    I'm just having trouble pushing through the fear.  I keep thinking, sui * ide is better than fighting through this again.  It's very hard for me to spot the fallacy here, or to fully believe there is one.  'This too will pass' just doesn't seem to cut it, because 'this too will also come back,' as it has now with vengeance.
    To be clear:  I am not at immediate risk, lacking access to means as I do presently.  I'm just feeling increasingly desperate, hopeless and unable to cope.  this has always been what this forum is here to share. 
    I suppose if I could waive a wand and have one thing, it would be a break, but there is not one to be had.  There must be a better way to handle this than I did last time in 2008.  I guess it would entail going to my boss, and ... ?saying/asking for a break?  how does that go?  That's the one thing I have to bargain with - I can do this work, d*mn it!
    thx.
  7. Like
    gandolfication got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a status update, Thanks to all. I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in   
    Thanks to all.
    I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in recent days.
    I have been sleeping a lot, and took a sick day from work yesterday.  I reached out to some people today, and just now wrote out about 2 pages of CBT negative thoughts, errors and corrections.
    I'm just having trouble pushing through the fear.  I keep thinking, sui * ide is better than fighting through this again.  It's very hard for me to spot the fallacy here, or to fully believe there is one.  'This too will pass' just doesn't seem to cut it, because 'this too will also come back,' as it has now with vengeance.
    To be clear:  I am not at immediate risk, lacking access to means as I do presently.  I'm just feeling increasingly desperate, hopeless and unable to cope.  this has always been what this forum is here to share. 
    I suppose if I could waive a wand and have one thing, it would be a break, but there is not one to be had.  There must be a better way to handle this than I did last time in 2008.  I guess it would entail going to my boss, and ... ?saying/asking for a break?  how does that go?  That's the one thing I have to bargain with - I can do this work, d*mn it!
    thx.
  8. Like
    gandolfication reacted to JD4010 for a status update, But my good times are all gone, and I'm bound for moving on.   
    But my good times are all gone, and I'm bound for moving on.
  9. Like
    gandolfication reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a status update, Apparently we experienced some sort of glitch that caused us to lose a ton of posts,   
    Apparently we experienced some sort of glitch that caused us to lose a ton of posts, blogs, and other activity from the last day or so.  You have our sincere apologies!  We know how frustrating it is and we are working to find a new webmaster so we can get it fixed.  Thank you for your patience and continued support.
  10. Like
    gandolfication got a reaction from Natasha1 for a status update, A Room There's a room in my mind, I cannot walk out of. Comfortless and bare, it impr   
    A Room 
    There's a room in my mind, I cannot walk out of.
    Comfortless and bare, it imprisons me.
    From a window, I can see out just a little;
    Through trees and hills, I can see some light, though it never touches me directly.
    I see shapes and forms move, and hear sounds I once knew to signify hope,
    But they never come in.
    I know there once was a door here someplace,
    But long ago while I must have been sleeping, its seems were deleted, all signs erased.
    It could be in front or beside, above, or below me;
    I have looked for it often but never found its trace.
    I have thought long, read much, and talked to so many in the outside world about how to find it;
    But really it exists as a memory and sometimes the sound of hope,
    Both phantoms somewhere in the room in my mind.
  11. Like
    gandolfication reacted to Natasha1 for a status update, You. Yeah you. Why are you so hard? Its making it more diffucult to live with you. Th   
    You. Yeah you. Why are you so hard? Its making it more diffucult to live with you. The my way or the highway mentality is stifling. The one way street is too. Home is the one place i am supposed to be comfortable isnt it?
  12. Like
    gandolfication reacted to Natasha1 for a status update, In a way Its someone elses story I dont see myself As taking part at all   
    In a way
    Its someone elses story
    I dont see myself
    As taking part at all
  13. Like
    gandolfication reacted to toofast for a status update, All star   
    All star
  14. Like
    gandolfication reacted to ICanSpellThornwell for a status update, As I was typing earlier this song came on my Pandora. Made me think of you. Swing Lif   
    As I was typing earlier this song came on my Pandora. Made me think of you. 
    Swing Life Away Rise Against Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?
    Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
    Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost? I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
    Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
    Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words We live on front porches and swing life away,
    We get by just fine here on minimum wage
    If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
    I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move
    The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon
    Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
    But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world
    We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go We live on front porches and swing life away
    We get by just fine here on minimum wage
    If love is a labor I'll slave till the end
    I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand until you hold my hand I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
    Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
    Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words We live on front porches and swing life away
    We get by just fine here on minimum wage
    If love is a labor I'll slave till the end
    I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand Swing life away
    Swing life away
    Swing life away
    Swing life away
  15. Like
    gandolfication reacted to samadhiSheol for a status update, My life is a waste of time. Why can't I give this life to someone who actually wants   
    My life is a waste of time. Why can't I give this life to someone who actually wants to live? 
  16. Like
    gandolfication got a reaction from idkusername465 for a status update, It's 2017. We survived 2016! Here's to hope and change in the new year.   
    It's 2017.  We survived 2016!  Here's to hope and change in the new year.
  17. Like
    gandolfication got a reaction from ICanSpellThornwell for a status update, It's 2017. We survived 2016! Here's to hope and change in the new year.   
    It's 2017.  We survived 2016!  Here's to hope and change in the new year.
  18. Like
    gandolfication got a reaction from Natasha1 for a status update, It's 2017. We survived 2016! Here's to hope and change in the new year.   
    It's 2017.  We survived 2016!  Here's to hope and change in the new year.
  19. Like
    gandolfication got a reaction from idkusername465 for a status update, Trying to survive.... not sure why...instinct or programming probably. Should I ask a   
    Trying to survive.... not sure why...instinct or programming probably.
     
    Should I ask and try to analyze what is going on in my thought process when I procrastinate and avoid work in favor of other things? (mainly the ever available Internet)?  Or should I simply focus on working to improve and change the behavior, regardless of the causes? One answer is to stop thinking about it and go back and do or continue the next ranked priority on my to-do list.  This answer carries with it, the implication of 'who cares' what the causes are, the solution never changes.  And who cares if it is harder now than it used to be.   
     
    Progress must be made incrementally, daily and even moment by moment.   
    This takes guts.  Of course instantly, the fear crops up, questioning whether I can do this or really even have much chance to, as I surely feel I do not.  The lessons of therapy again tell me, 'so what?'  So what if it seems impossible – that's basically the core definition of the disease.  And whether I ever understand the root causes or not, I absolutely can understand that I am self-sabotaging myself and that hard as it seems, I have the ability to change.  This thing is large, and it is a deep problem, but the road to recovery runs through doing little things in the now. 
    The depressed soul wants to get back to whole terra firma in one fell swoop, since all it can focus on is what it has lost, and the pain and regret of this.   This won't do of course, as it isn't how life works.  But progress can be made, and even recovery can be attained.  You, you, this person writing this has overcome real, substantial obstacles and adversity before.  I can do it again with new challenges, that seem tougher and to come from every side at once.  I have the determination actually, and the fortitude, the character to do it, even if it requires some truly radical new strategies and practicing ways of doing it.  It seems daunting if not impossible.  It seems like a con, with no real light.  It doesn't seem either possible or worth it.  But this is the lie. 
    My head hurts and feels like it is swimming all the time.  This, I must remember and believe, is not my fault. I did not ask for this, seek it or choose it.  It came from various places, some from behavior, some from circumstances, and some probably from genes.  Anyhow, I believe—against all feeling—that I am capable of beating it.  I can't let it have the last laugh (even though I feel like giving in completely).  I don’t know if this is the last gasp from a dying soul, or the battle cry of someone about to take another swing. 
     
    I'm just struggling to move forward the next step.  Anything that is even remotely challenging or uncomfortable (which is mostly everything), I'm struggling to get myself to do.  I keep losing steam.  I have no idea what to do. How to proceed, or how to live with myself this way.  I just feel like saying **** it.  What's the use.  I'm exhausted.  Time for coffee.  I don't want to drink it, but I had better or I'm going to fall asleep.  Life sucks.  Has for years.  Maybe the parts with the kids are good.  Selfishness my well be involved here, but I just can't stand how I feel, all of the time.  If I could just walk over and jump off the balcony, all this awful pain would cease.  All would be over.  Blessed nothingness.  I crave it because conscious existence is so odious and awful.  It is really amazing that we have the capacity to feel this badly, let alone to feel this badly and keep living, continue existing, when stopping this pain is so easy, and can be foolproof.  It is a wonder that myself or anyone holds on.  It is a wonder that more people don't exit stage left.
  20. Like
    gandolfication got a reaction from Mikayla for a status update, Trying to survive.... not sure why...instinct or programming probably. Should I ask a   
    Trying to survive.... not sure why...instinct or programming probably.
     
    Should I ask and try to analyze what is going on in my thought process when I procrastinate and avoid work in favor of other things? (mainly the ever available Internet)?  Or should I simply focus on working to improve and change the behavior, regardless of the causes? One answer is to stop thinking about it and go back and do or continue the next ranked priority on my to-do list.  This answer carries with it, the implication of 'who cares' what the causes are, the solution never changes.  And who cares if it is harder now than it used to be.   
     
    Progress must be made incrementally, daily and even moment by moment.   
    This takes guts.  Of course instantly, the fear crops up, questioning whether I can do this or really even have much chance to, as I surely feel I do not.  The lessons of therapy again tell me, 'so what?'  So what if it seems impossible – that's basically the core definition of the disease.  And whether I ever understand the root causes or not, I absolutely can understand that I am self-sabotaging myself and that hard as it seems, I have the ability to change.  This thing is large, and it is a deep problem, but the road to recovery runs through doing little things in the now. 
    The depressed soul wants to get back to whole terra firma in one fell swoop, since all it can focus on is what it has lost, and the pain and regret of this.   This won't do of course, as it isn't how life works.  But progress can be made, and even recovery can be attained.  You, you, this person writing this has overcome real, substantial obstacles and adversity before.  I can do it again with new challenges, that seem tougher and to come from every side at once.  I have the determination actually, and the fortitude, the character to do it, even if it requires some truly radical new strategies and practicing ways of doing it.  It seems daunting if not impossible.  It seems like a con, with no real light.  It doesn't seem either possible or worth it.  But this is the lie. 
    My head hurts and feels like it is swimming all the time.  This, I must remember and believe, is not my fault. I did not ask for this, seek it or choose it.  It came from various places, some from behavior, some from circumstances, and some probably from genes.  Anyhow, I believe—against all feeling—that I am capable of beating it.  I can't let it have the last laugh (even though I feel like giving in completely).  I don’t know if this is the last gasp from a dying soul, or the battle cry of someone about to take another swing. 
     
    I'm just struggling to move forward the next step.  Anything that is even remotely challenging or uncomfortable (which is mostly everything), I'm struggling to get myself to do.  I keep losing steam.  I have no idea what to do. How to proceed, or how to live with myself this way.  I just feel like saying **** it.  What's the use.  I'm exhausted.  Time for coffee.  I don't want to drink it, but I had better or I'm going to fall asleep.  Life sucks.  Has for years.  Maybe the parts with the kids are good.  Selfishness my well be involved here, but I just can't stand how I feel, all of the time.  If I could just walk over and jump off the balcony, all this awful pain would cease.  All would be over.  Blessed nothingness.  I crave it because conscious existence is so odious and awful.  It is really amazing that we have the capacity to feel this badly, let alone to feel this badly and keep living, continue existing, when stopping this pain is so easy, and can be foolproof.  It is a wonder that myself or anyone holds on.  It is a wonder that more people don't exit stage left.
  21. Like
    gandolfication reacted to Clarissa for a status update, Hey, gandolf....noticed you hadn't posted a status for awhile. Hope all is well. Xo,   
    Hey, gandolf....noticed you hadn't posted a status for awhile. Hope all is well. Xo, C
  22. Like
    gandolfication got a reaction from Tilted for a status update, I'm struggling to hang in here at work. I've been mostly in avoidance mode for over a   
    I'm struggling to hang in here at work.  I've been mostly in avoidance mode for over a month, and wasn't doing great before then.  I know I need a change either internally (which I don't know how to accomplish, let alone quickly) and/or in my job.  This has been the case since 2008 now.  I waffle back and forth between thinking I can do it and it'll be worth while for my family and me, vs. just ending everything, though I doubt I have what it takes to go through with this.
  23. Like
    gandolfication reacted to samadhiSheol for a status update, I hate my job and I'm fed up with my life. Oh, i've said all this before haven't I?   
    I hate my job and I'm fed up with my life.
    Oh, i've said all this before haven't I?
     
  24. Like
    gandolfication reacted to samadhiSheol for a status update, No point on inventing the wheel all over again. And I'm lazy. Lyrics says it all: The   
    No point on inventing the wheel all over again.
    And I'm lazy.
    Lyrics says it all:
     
    The Line Begins To Blur"
    There are things that I said I would never do
    There are fears that I cannot believe have come true
    For my soul is too sick and too little and too late
    And my self I have grown to weary to hate
    The more I stay in here
    The more it's not so clear
    The more I stay in here
    The more I disappear
    As far as I have gone
    I knew what side I'm on
    But now I'm not so sure
    The line begins to blur
    Is there somebody on top of me?
    I don't know I don't know
    Isn't anybody stopping me?
    I don't know I don't know
    Well I'm trying to hold my breath
    I don't know I don't know
    Just how far down can I go?
    I don't know I don't know I don't know
    As I lie here and stare
    The fabric starts to tear
    It's far beyond repair
    And I don't really care
    As far as I have gone
    I knew what side I'm on
    But now I'm not so sure
    The line begins to blur
    Nine Inch Nails again.
  25. Like
    gandolfication reacted to samadhiSheol for a status update, I.m not.really here at all. I.ve seen life..EVERYTHING from a distance all my life. I   
    I.m not.really here at all.
    I.ve seen life..EVERYTHING from a distance all my life.
    It.s.all alien. I.m.alien  I.don.t belong here. I.ve never felt a sense of belonging.
    I don't have a home.
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