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Everything posted by gandolfication
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Moments like these, I ask myself, why do I stay?
And the answer always only seems to be the fear of pain it takes to leave.
The act of annihilating body and self is heavy if really faced.
Too, leaving the family that probably would be shattered.
It seems so unlikely, but others feel just the same as this.
Desperately wanting to be dead.
At least not ever having to be awake again.
Unbearable.
Unwanted.
****ed in the head.
A misery unique each moment.
Why write?
Is there any value?
All the things I try to believe in - not one lasts.
Some see how thing are real and matter anyway.
I don’t seem to.
Like Samson asking, I wish the walls would fall in.
Finally.
Finally, no more.
The real insanity is that I still won’t give myself permission.
And for that, I hate myself the more,
And the world I live in.
What a waste of time and space.
Please come oblivion.
I’m sorry, I feel the guilt and shame of despising this world, this one only now.
It is a strange belief to think the only way I can get the love I want, is to be gone.
I usually know how to rationalize; but there is no rationalizing this.
It simply is.
I do not see a love worth living for.
I forget why I stay
Although I see my absurd felion above, Mr. Spot.
And this building’s not high enough, and the windows don’t open.
Life is such an unrelenting trap.
We should have been given a choice to be alive in the first place.
I want to accept things; myself and others.
Something’s wrong, and it can’t be fixed.
Someone please turn out the lights.
Perhaps I could pay someone to do it for me.
The light is too bright and loud.
I’ve kept trying; really I have.
I have resources and privilege.
My troubles on paper aren’t so great.
There’s no excuse; I also do not need one.
Just I can’t solve the pain of being myself.
Everything hurts, almost all of the time.
Things feel good or neutral just enough to remind me of how bad they usually feel.
I believe this is a mirage, but there feels nothing left to ruin.
There’s no law, no impetus that can force me to stay.
It is a self-imposed prison, for which I hate myself all the more. Down to the bones and back through the other side.
There is no good thing about me, ultimately.
So, if morality means anything, it means my life is unworthy to live.
And meaning means nothing.
In the funhouse light of judgment and despair.
But it is no less real to the feeler.
All that’s left is disgust.
I can’t escape the escape from the noisome me.
What if I let go
And nothing happened.
I dream of being hit by a large truck
Nothing would even be my fault.
These thoughts are sound and fury signifying nothing.
And there’s no one left to call.
The welcome has been long worn out by this prodigal son who never grew up
Just one moment of courage and then all is over.
Release me.
I am tired of being bound up in this.
No more. Nomore.
Please
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My wife called me a few minutes ago, hurting a lot (we both are), but also telling me she's calling her lawyer to direct him to file a 90-day stay of conciliation while she and I work to repair our relationship. This postpones the need to hire my own counsel or move forward and do anything with the divorce lawsuit. It was good timing, as I was within the next couple minutes getting ready to call one of the divorce attorneys I know and had discussed this with to schedule a consult and hire her.
So, big, good day for me. I have I believe some really hard things to work on; for the first time, I know I can do it.
One of my closest friends said to pray for her happiness twice a day (which I had kind of already been doing for 2 weeks now), and to pretend I'm a character actor acting like the nicest person I know.
Act as if until you are is the idea; if we act in a certain way consistently enough, soon it's just part of identity.