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gandolfication last won the day on February 28 2019

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About gandolfication

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  1. Trying to survive.... not sure why...instinct or programming probably.


    Should I ask and try to analyze what is going on in my thought process when I procrastinate and avoid work in favor of other things? (mainly the ever available Internet)?  Or should I simply focus on working to improve and change the behavior, regardless of the causes? One answer is to stop thinking about it and go back and do or continue the next ranked priority on my to-do list.  This answer carries with it, the implication of 'who cares' what the causes are, the solution never changes.  And who cares if it is harder now than it used to be.   


    Progress must be made incrementally, daily and even moment by moment.   
    This takes guts.  Of course instantly, the fear crops up, questioning whether I can do this or really even have much chance to, as I surely feel I do not.  The lessons of therapy again tell me, 'so what?'  So what if it seems impossible – that's basically the core definition of the disease.  And whether I ever understand the root causes or not, I absolutely can understand that I am self-sabotaging myself and that hard as it seems, I have the ability to change.  This thing is large, and it is a deep problem, but the road to recovery runs through doing little things in the now. 

    The depressed soul wants to get back to whole terra firma in one fell swoop, since all it can focus on is what it has lost, and the pain and regret of this.   This won't do of course, as it isn't how life works.  But progress can be made, and even recovery can be attained.  You, you, this person writing this has overcome real, substantial obstacles and adversity before.  I can do it again with new challenges, that seem tougher and to come from every side at once.  I have the determination actually, and the fortitude, the character to do it, even if it requires some truly radical new strategies and practicing ways of doing it.  It seems daunting if not impossible.  It seems like a con, with no real light.  It doesn't seem either possible or worth it.  But this is the lie. 

    My head hurts and feels like it is swimming all the time.  This, I must remember and believe, is not my fault. I did not ask for this, seek it or choose it.  It came from various places, some from behavior, some from circumstances, and some probably from genes.  Anyhow, I believe—against all feeling—that I am capable of beating it.  I can't let it have the last laugh (even though I feel like giving in completely).  I don’t know if this is the last gasp from a dying soul, or the battle cry of someone about to take another swing. 


    I'm just struggling to move forward the next step.  Anything that is even remotely challenging or uncomfortable (which is mostly everything), I'm struggling to get myself to do.  I keep losing steam.  I have no idea what to do. How to proceed, or how to live with myself this way.  I just feel like saying **** it.  What's the use.  I'm exhausted.  Time for coffee.  I don't want to drink it, but I had better or I'm going to fall asleep.  Life sucks.  Has for years.  Maybe the parts with the kids are good.  Selfishness my well be involved here, but I just can't stand how I feel, all of the time.  If I could just walk over and jump off the balcony, all this awful pain would cease.  All would be over.  Blessed nothingness.  I crave it because conscious existence is so odious and awful.  It is really amazing that we have the capacity to feel this badly, let alone to feel this badly and keep living, continue existing, when stopping this pain is so easy, and can be foolproof.  It is a wonder that myself or anyone holds on.  It is a wonder that more people don't exit stage left.

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