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gandolfication

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gandolfication last won the day on December 7 2015

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About gandolfication

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    Washington DC
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    Politics, philosophy, literature, art, film, pop- neuroscience and quantum physics

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  1. Stories of recovery?

    Good question, No. I'd take something more along the lines of, while I still struggle off and on, and maybe still somewhat almost all the time, the person is functioning much better on the whole, has reasons to live, and vitally, does feel a sense of hope and meaning at least a good portion of the time. I have known and certainly read of people saying these things, but it has been a little while, and I think there's too little of it in a good form.
  2. I need some work (and attitude?) advice

    Dam* JD, I KNOW that last part isn't true, from talking to you. But I feel much the same way with my own wife and kids, for many same reasons. I TRY very hard to remember that this is not zero-sum. As my friend reminds me...especially with perfectionist, all or know thing thinking....being half or 1/4 my best is SO MUCH BETTER than nothing, it's amazing and most often actually enough and better than I think. You too ate better than you think. Gospel.
  3. Stories of recovery?

    Is anyone aware of a compendium offering tales of recovery from serious depression? Narratives of people who've said triumphantly, "yes, my life has gotten better. I know happiness again!"? It seems like something missing from the canon of literature on the subject of depression. I suspect it is one reason so many of us have such an absence of hope (which had become my favored definition of depression incidentally). I grant that some stories on this site are those of recovery....but it seems like a very underdeveloped topic for research and writing...just wondering if anyone has come across anything published with a wealth of case studies or real stories of genuine recovery? I bet many of us could.leatn and draw 8nspiration
  4. I need some work (and attitude?) advice

    god life hurts. I don't know how to make it stop or even lessen it. If the desire to die never ends, I just don't know *** I'm staying around for. I'm so hopeless and plowed under. Last year, I wrote something with my oldest daughter, that I thought was pretty good, and submitted to a writing contest. We didn't win, but I might still publish at least somewhere online. Today, I thought, I should write something creative for my kids to read in the future about perseverance and inspiration for later in life when they're going through really hard things, and god-forbid but quite possibly depression. My mom always used to be good at articulating how surely this is one of god's purposes for allowing (causing?) us to go through such hard sh*t - to be able to help those we love when they do. The internal logic is strong. It's like every good inspirational drama where the author writes their magnum opus out of perseverance and inspiration for their kids and family (Finding Neverland and Goodbye Christopher Robin, are examples of this, and I think even Lion, Witch & the Wardrobe for Lewis' nieces and nephews). It's a nice thought, and something kind of beautiful to hold on to. But it's laughing at me now, like there is any chance in h*ll I'll actually do it.
  5. I need some work (and attitude?) advice

    "Like" This is well said. It used to be my philosophy as a young business major capitalist at a conservative christian university and afterward too. And I do need to focus on it more, and try to have more equanimity and perspective. Now I need to vent a minute and say, that there are people and companies with whom I just simply have drastically different values. As in, mine are humane.
  6. Authenticity

    Charlie Brown Syndrome demolished! I like the level of detail you put into this. I can so relate to this (not the truck hoodie per se, but), the strong tendency to allow any and virtually every little thing that happens to feel like it reinforces the certainty I already have, that almost nothing will ever 'go right' in my life again. I really battle with this. The habit is so ingrained. I read and try to practice CBT. One of its major premises is that it is my distorted negative thoughts about what happens that are actually causing the level of my depression (my paraphrase). I believe it. And yet....always that nagging voice of doubt and ambiguity with me....depressive realism lurks its head. It's one of those things I mostly wish I had never read - the phenomena that depressed individuals under psychological experiments actually tend to more accurately predict outcomes (especially negative outcomes) than their homoclite (non-depressed/normal) counterparts. It's not something that too much should be made of by itself. Unfortunately, so very much of my experience now confirms and magnifies it. Like most of us, I've also read and internalized so much about self-fulfilling prophecies, the power of attitude, etc. One weird thing about this, is that the psych literature and therapists go on about how a great deal of depression is a function of unrealistic expectations (disappointment). I know--or at least I think I remember, and believe instinctively--that when younger and not depressed, I wouldn't have had trouble making distinctions and reconciling these seemingly conflicting forces. Now, I feel like a passive, helpless passenger on a very big boat churning through these rough waters.
  7. I need some work (and attitude?) advice

    Yesterday was extremely rough, though I reached out for support (including here!), and late in the day, I really fought back, worked through some more difficult (for me) situations at work, and made progress; built a little confidence. I was absolutely emotionally drained when I got home at 8:00, and felt like staying home this morning. I'm here though. Trying to stay in the moment, when every habit is to worry and regret. I'm just going to try to be who I am, and get though each part of the day, the best I can. Part for me, is remembering that people aren't all bad or all good. And that often at work, they're actually genuinely trying to help, even if it is in a pretty stupid way, or conversely, if I just don't recognize the effort. My tendency, especially about this, and in this environment, is to see, assume and believe the worst. That might be the case (it really might), and that is tough, but in the past, I've been able to look back in hindsight and know that I missed some genuine/good efforts to try to work with me. So I'm going to try to give the benefit of the doubt, hope for the best, and think that people have some good intentions, and my job is to seek out, find, and hold to the good, and be that proverbial good I want to see in the world.
  8. I need some work (and attitude?) advice

    That's where my head is most of the time, and now. On the other side, I suppose, I remember all these things and lessons I should have learned by now about, feelings not being facts, controlling what I can, my perceptions not necessarily being accurate (especially with bipolar, etc.), and how dreadfully bad and guilty, and up sh*t creek I've put myself and my family by exiting positions before perhaps earlier than I could have held out for. But I am not disagreeing with what you've said either, which as mentioned, is EXACTLY HOW I AM FEELING.
  9. I need some work (and attitude?) advice

    Unfortunately, afterglow, those were almost exactly my thoughts. And how I can look at my wife and kids, right after all they have just been through with me on this (being unemployed etc.), and the struggle to try to find something in a different field, I just don't know. That's another way of saying that yes, unfortunately, mentally, I have already come to realize there is a fundamental dishonesty and difference in values with this company and environment. The word 'snowflake' comes to mind (which I hate), but I also am not sure I can change the fact that I have quaint notions of honesty and fair play, and while something I'm trying to work on, I also am on the emotionally sensitive side as well. I want to leave this job now, knowing that it really won't get better. I can try to buck up, and use other strategies to get through for a while. It'll be painful, anxiety-inducing, and I'm already not far from sui*dal thoughts most of the time. It's clear the in-your-face paternalism, micromanagement, and win at all costs, push hard all the time pressure, is only going to ratchet up. I have a first 1 on 1 meeting this afternoon. It is designed this way to make sure they either change or garden shrub out those who can't handle the BS. I know to many people, this wouldn't be nearly as big a deal; they'd just deal with it almost like water off a duck's back. Unfortunately, I am not those people. Long term, I already knew I'd want something about as far different as possible. I just don't know what to do today/this week. I can't walk away from another job, but in hall honesty, this may become enough for me to psych myself up to eventually just end my life, since I really struggle to see any way out. I texted my therapist to discuss today. I do wish I could just step back, let some of this go, keep things simple, do what I can. As my friend said, 'just accept the feedback and plow through.' I'll try.
  10. I need some work (and attitude?) advice

    Could be right. I asked one of my closest friends, who is in sales and also basically shares my depression and general view of things. He replied, "Take the feedback and plow through. What else are you going to do.". I'm trying to stay focused on that...as it will work in any case if I (can) do it, and it has high reliability. Which goes to your point - in my heightened emotional lability, probably I am either reacting to strongly and/or am not quite perceiving the situation clearly. Best if I can stop overthinking and feeling it all. Still REALLY pi**es me off that people has to be this awful (and to my mind counterproductive in management style - by fear and intimidation....but I know they're not going to change so the choice is always the same for me: do my best and find a way to respond positively will find something new).
  11. I need some work (and attitude?) advice

    I think most of this is pretty spot-on and were exactly some of the questions I was wondering myself. Now I will admit this is a tough thing about having bipolar II is that I don't get the luxury of being able to rely safely on my own perceptions all the way.
  12. I need some work (and attitude?) advice

    Ok Epic thanks, I'll take the encouragement and run with it. Maybe I'm stronger and tougher than I realize and I just need to exercises for myself more. I took a lunch break and now back into the frey ever forward, onward and upward doing the best I can, and remembering Kipling's great wprds in IF about finding strength within.
  13. I just had my first, pull-aside "pulse-check" huddle/meeting at work. This is a big thing in ultra-fast paced sales/recruiting environments, and probably to some extent in the modern work world in general. A manager sends an instant message--in this case to myself and my other colleague who started with me 3-4 weeks ago. "Can you guys meet for a pulse check?" We stop what we're doing for an impromptu meeting that is 'just to take our pulse and see how we're doing, how we're feeling, but also to provide some feedback the manager has heard and gathered from several other managers so far.' It's part of the process. We need to keep people on the phone longer. There should only be 3 outcomes to every call - a submit, lead or referral. This is the case even and despite if the candidate is tens of thousands of dollars out of the price range. We're told not to take this personally, it's constructive feedback. But something about the tone, the non-verbals is communicating something different - immediate concern. Things are repeated, with the implication--but not exactly saying--that we are not doing them. This is why when I'm asked what I think, after listing a bunch of positive specifics, I pivot slightly to saying, "I had a few early 45-minute calls where I did let the candidate off the phone because they were way out of the salary range, after asking for leads and referrals, but I have now 'moved up the learning curve,' and the last several, I have kept even these candidates on hold testing the rate, using hypotheticals, locking them in, and successfully getting them into the process and submitted." This is literally the 'right answer,' but it's as though I have not said it. The same things are repeated again. "No negativity" is mentioned. This sets off alarm bells for me, and I don't know where it is coming from. I've expressed nothing negative that I can think of. I've been careful. I've tried to smile and say yes essentially all the time. I have asked questions during training which was repeatedly praised and welcomed - but was it really? We need to be meticulous in recording every detail in long-and in the applicant tracking system. We have been 90% of the time. We are still learning. That's fine, but everything is actually communicating it is not fine. We're asked what we think. I've learned to smile, couch everything in upbeat, positive terms so I do. My colleague says less and is (happily) slightly more blunt. He has the advantage of having worked with the manager and his brother at the same restaurant for years prior to joining the company. I literally can't figure out really what the point of the meeting is. "This is important, because it's going to get harder to manage everything." This makes sense at least. Sure. We're asked again how we feel about it. I say, "I'm feeling good about it, listing a couple things I like about the company, environment, job, culture." It is met with a skeptical look. It's awkward. I'm not sure if or where I've gone wrong. So I say again, "I'm feeling good, moving up the learning curve," and I list exactly several of the things the manager has mentioned that I have done--and documented--on my last several successful calls, and then I ask, "how do you think we are doing? On one hand, these pull-asides are par for the course, done with everyone, especially in the first 30/60/90 days. I try not to let it rattle me. Still, all the denial in the world won't obfuscate that it is intended as a means of control, what we used to call passive aggression. I try to let it go, to relax, to have a thick skin. But I do hate this approach. It's double-speak. I find it duplicitous. Demotivating doesn't quite do justice to how it makes me feel. It rapidly diminishes trust and rapport. I realize that the manager is inevitably going to treat us the same way I have already seen him talk about and treat candidates - as pure transactional commodities. And I wonder....how long can I tolerate this and still perform, let alone pretend I like it? I need to remain aware. My "Stay Plan" currently consists of controlling what I can control, smiling, letting go of what I can't control, saying 'yes' in every case possible, which is more than I probably realize. What else? What am I missing?
  14. Tired, getting through another day

    Yah, well said. Some of the 'pretty people' will know, but I think you're right in general, most people remain either largely asleep or at least conten
  15. Tired, getting through another day

    Yah, well said. Some of the 'pretty people' will know (as this disease is no respected pf persons), but I think you're right in general, most people remain either largely asleep or at least contented. (Being a chef sounds exciting and fun, though I'm sure is a ton of brutal work.) I like how you describe the connection here. I feel the same. It's good to come this way. I guess it's a problem for me that I prefer to essentially only talk and socialize with people who have experienced serious depression. Not only because a deeper more profound level of being able to relate is a given, because I signed talking and socializing with them (us) invariably more interesting.