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gandolfication

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gandolfication last won the day on February 28

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About gandolfication

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    Politics, philosophy, literature, art, film, pop- neuroscience and quantum physics

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  1. J.D., you went back to Geribaldi. A wise choice. I feel like if Geribaldi and Neo (or actual Keanu Reves) sat and talked for a while, they would likely solve most problems in the universe.
  2. I mentioned the negligible effect of the shrooms, although I did have a pleasant time sitting with Arjun talking and watching these immersive videos on his man-cave basement big screen projector of the VR video game, God of War. I have been spiraling of late, mainly in immediate despair over work and life support, as I still seem to be too slow at producing work on pace and volume that is just required everywhere. I do not know if it is fixable, and I am sure that influences the second part of what is a pretty acute assault in being extremely depressed and anxious lately. I am attempting to modulate and not have high expectations of any psycha delic experience, which is weird because at the same time, obviously, I'm fantasizing about how the whole point is to use something to assist myself in helping me move past my own psychological frameworks into some more spiritual state, and thereby, among other things, bypass anxiousness and existential 'stuck'-ness. If nothing else, it seems fun and interesting, and something to look forward to exploring and as such, also something to stick around for, when thoughts have returned that this impulse to just keep continuing to live, seems increasingly neurotic and self-destructive in its own right. With any admonition that these words are evidence that my mental illness is getting worse, and I should 'seek help' or whatever, the voice in me--what I'm increasingly thinking of the ego that is not really me*--answers back, with a question--both snarky and sincere: on what basis, can anyone say that the impulse to die form the absurd world is LESS sane than the insane impulse to continue as long as possible? The premise is that the world is absurd, so by its terms, nothing matters...which is a kind of freedom, including to terminate one's pain. And the ever-ruminating mind and ego-voice, just keeps going on... I'm tired. I want to rest finally. *As I write or speak, I am continually reminded of how often and much, I use the word, "I", which seems boorishly self-interested. yet, it is hard to write about one's feelings I suppose without telling it n the first person. It seems like a time loop of some Greek tragedy of hubris and selfishness, where our would-be hero with feet of clay, is, unfortunately destined for tragedy. Well, back to work, as if this is worth it.
  3. So my friend who I'll call Arjun, has a way of speaking philosophically which sounds almost like Zen koans. People who do this too much or poorly would really irritate me... Like they're trying too hard at profundity. But not Karn. He was born in Bombay India, living Canada, and I don't know just has this true depth of thinking I have always appreciated. He's I think functionally agnostic, although he also has a way of speaking in a sense about spiritual things and what I would call an essential belief in a philosopher's God, without malice,or anger, that I inevitably find myself jealous of. This almost universalist (but I think Catholic Christian influenced) sense of the divine with an all, is now appealing to me, whereas it also in the past would have really irritated me as being a new age contradiction. So, last night, we were talking, and in passing he mentions to me, "when you're afraid it's a sign that you're relying on yourself." Maybe it was the we ed, maybe it was the small mushroom and half I had just eaten a few minutes earlier, but it seemed profound to me. Everything is frightening. Intensely. All the time. Fight or flight emergency. You know the feeling well I am sure. It's exhausting, and I'm exhausted by it. last couple weeks building, and especially the last few days, I have felt myself surfing dangerous wave a fear in despair. As this pain rises, so does my question as to why I stay here any longer. One more, it seems convincing that this irrational impulse to survive, to continue.....is what is actually insane. And in this insane world, to the extent that it still makes any sense for me to try to appeal to rationality, I do not see a flaw in this logic. Even saying I realize itself contradictory, which simply leaves me in the morass of absurdity. The magic shroom had a tingling effect and felt vaguely fun... but I had some vape beforehand (didn't know I'd be going over), so it was hard to distinguish from that. I think if I'm able to go over again Saturday night and do the real trip, I will put nothing in my system beforehand. And I will bring ginger beer which is good for the stomach. So somehow Arjun seems genuinely able to convince himself about the power, truth and importance even if Jesus, Evan while he might admit we're also really think that it wasn't a real thing literally. So it's almost like the truth from fables and literature that you and I talk about. And I guess, the more I think about it this is where I would like to be too.... I need to have a story that at least can try to make sense of things reconciling redeem them, Even if maybe I explicitly, consciously* admit that I don't believe it and it isn't true in a little physical sense, or that I can never possibly know and it's stupid, but so what the rest of life is utterly absurd also, so go with the story with the most internal adaptive explanatory power for me, right? I hope my continuing to ruminate about this with you isn't too annoying. (I try not to make it the most frequent thing I think and talk about,). But it also I think is just kind of the language in which I express my ever-worsening existential crisis. *I say that and almost hear a voice in my head saying, "you also could try just not being so literal about it, like many other people seem to be able to do," but then that voice is assassinated by what I assume to be the imagined rational self, endemic I presume with my ego, which I've just collided with in this sentence.
  4. I'm going to do a microdose of psilocybin. And then on Saturday night, I'm going to do the real trip. Well, this is exciting.
  5. And everyone is like this nowadays, 'cept like the top 10% or something. people just don't realize it, because we've been indoctrinated for years that it's not good or polite to talk about money. Which is stupid. It's what I teach though I guess if I was a repacious oligarch interested in keeping the rich and powerful rich and powerful forever, by law, custom, and culture.
  6. "Wage slavery." Really descriptive, good term. I don't' think I've heard it before. thx. Air conditioning - you just reminded me of something I'm grateful for, thanks. cheers
  7. I'm feeling exhausted. Just got out of a trial, that was continued because my opposing counsel whined and threw a bunch of shenanigans. Then I caught hell for letting that happen. I'm not too upset about that actually. I did a lot of good work, and the magistrate said on the record, she was going to and prepared to rule for us and she can't see anything the other side would do that would change this (it's a nasty custody dispute). I'm upset because my boss keeps saying I'm not going to make it because I don't get stuff done on time. And he's right. I knew this coming in. I just don't know what to do about it. Outlining. Sticking to a plan. Keeping it simpler and shorter. Trying to set time limits on tasks (this works for some, not for others). I would like to get a good business coach/mentor who i can trust, even kind of like a therapist. But I'm not sure this really exists anywhere. It isn't like I have money or time (I guess this last one is a chicken-egg decision). I did 2 1/2 all nighters in a row preparing for this. I filed a couple motions and some exhibits a day before the hearing. Not supposed to do this (although there wasn't a briefing schedule, and there was no new information or surprise, there was a new case the court needed to know about, and etc., etc.). The other side--and it is their law suit--wasn't ready. didn't get me their new exhibits. They were scared I was going to clean their clock, and indeed I was. The attorney accused me in chambers of falsifying facts - lying to the court. Which I didn't. Now, I take that personally. When I go back, I am going to bury them. The Magistrate called the ex-husband a bully, and how. I hate bullies. I don't usually get emotional let alone vengeful or anything about these. But now, when I get him on the witness stand, I am going to make him wish he never met me, never filed this lawsuit and never heard the word courtroom. (That's a bit dramatic I know). I am already prepared. I'll still spend a day preparing. When I go in, I'm going to be ready to annihilate their case. It's stupid that we're doing this in a domestic relations dispute, but I am simply trying to stop a woman and her kids form continuing being bullied. I'm p*ssed. And tired. I have a second trial tomorrow. Not as personally vested (yet), and not as much prep, but I can't wait 'till these 2 are over. I'll get some more sleep tonight and the rest of the week. I basically missed 2 1/2 nights of sleep. Not terribly unusual for lawyers going to trial, except I'm worse, and most don't do it on DR matters. wtf is wrong with me.
  8. I did. And I know that a lot of people don't manage money well. I am one of them in some ways. I hate it. I mean I hate money, the fact that we live for it, live to work, worship it, pay obeisance to it, lust after it, and it permeates and defines value and all things in our society. It will always be this way unless someone does something to change this. We have had titanic innovations in technology and most other areas of human endeavor. But not in economics. No one can really cite to anything like a Copernican revolution in economics in...I actually don't know how long. People can praise the virtues of capitalism because it has raised lots of people in Asia out of 10 cents per day squalid poverty to 25 cents a day. I'm happy for them (if that's the right word), but they're no less indentured servants. Meanwhile, this system is ******* us. More accurately it is robbing us of life and happiness while we're on the way to dying. We are so overdue for an economics revolution, I do not know what more evidence people need. Maybe masses dying in streets...right now they do this under bridges, in forests, homeless shelters if they're lucky, and other places. Meanwhile, we subsidize and bail out rich corporations and owners then they don't manage their--or our--money well. I know there's no sense in resisting it, and that it would be better if I'd just accept what is. I do try. Except, I also am unwilling to surrender that this is all life can be about. Andrew Yang is an excellent interlocutor on behalf of universal basic income. It obviously isn't a panacea for everything. But it is an absolutely vital start. And as it would create massively increased economic activity, it would also do a hundred by-product things that would make our lives and society better, something capitalism and tech have not done. he isn't going to win. But his run his historic now. As recently as 5 years ago, a candidate on a debate stage championing a freedom dividen of UBI would have been unthinkable. Now it has happened. Some will listen and learn. If it ever happens, maybe we have a chance. Otherwise, good by jobs, good by habitable planet, goodbye hope.
  9. A day in the life: The two secretaries/paralegals out of the office today, and Dwight, my boss the Sr. partner, how is 70 was just overheard maligning that he can't get his "emails." Just overheard: "I'm going to the restroom, to drown myself in the urinals."
  10. right. And everyone in the middle class here is like that. Yang said in an interview last week that the number of americans living paycheck to paycheck that have $500 or less in liquid income (maybe this part isn't exactly correct - it can't be!) is up to 65-70% Thank of that.
  11. JD, I hop that feeling goes away. There are things about yourself that you know down to your core. Values, traits, personality, idiosyncrasy even, the way you treat people, and thousands of other nuances. It all comes from somewhere inside you. But I know how you feel. Ah, those other people aren't using air and water any better than you. For society, I hope it catches on to the need to evolve quickly and dramatically in some areas, like universal basic income (freedom or citizen dividend). This Andrew Yang guy does a good job of explaining it. It's crazy we haven't done this yet, and if we don't soon enough, we will lose to automation.
  12. Hmm. I know every conscientious parent experiences some guilt at times and questions whether they are really doing their best for their kids. Compared to what you described just in the short blurb above, and some ways I'm doing well in that my kids still really love me and I really love them (though I'm sure that's true for you as well). Yeah, it's my loss of temper and then combined with the fact that I know I am not building any future for them or me. And I don't know how to process that, and despite how hard I keep working and trying, I don't seem to be able to make any progress on it.
  13. I feel you. To your last line of specially, so many people in America and the world have become like this, myself included, were we basically exist for a partial respite on the weekends if we're lucky to watch TV and escape for a while. Those are our big goals and dreams in this era. And I don't know where else to go with that.
  14. It's terrible, how overburdened modern workers are (I guess it beats past factory work). This is why much (most?) of America doesn't use their vacations, and why many here, myself included, really never does. And that's one of the reasons. So-called "paid" vacation means you have to make up for the time you were gone, because they're not going to have someone else do the work. In this country, we live to work.
  15. My daughter came home from camp tonight. It sounds like she had a great week. But then she started getting upset. First that her sister. Then at me. The evening got very emotional. I was tired. I thought that I still tried to manage it, and calm it down. Maybe, I don't know. I have things, including myself, are fairly unstable right now. There's no margin for error, and everything seems stressful. I have a doctor's appointment early this morning. I'll go. This GP is helpful. he makes suggestions and other than that is generally willing to follow anything I ask for within reason. That's what you need when you know more about certain saline to aspects of your condition than any doctor would ever have time to. Pressure is mounting. I feel like I can't hold it together much longer. I am virtually certain to run out of money again this month. This was one thing my daughter got upset about... She heard me say that I might go to a friend's poker game at his house, and she started expressing that she was afraid and asking me questions about handling money and not wasting it gambling and so forth. I tried to explain I don't gamble, and that if they used money at all it would be penny ante. She persisted saying every dollar counts. She's never had to earn her manned to dollar in her life, and I basically thanked her for her opinion, mentioned this, and said I really didn't want to have more of a lecture from her. (also trying to hide the fact that she is not wrong to be worried about money even though her worry will do no good). Anyway I think she was just emotional. Maybe from being tired from a long trip. I shouldn't be surprised by it. I have virtually taught my kids if anything to be overly emotional. They are reflection of me and the environment that I've created. And this weighs very heavily on me. With all of this together, and the grinding pressure work setting in more again, I feel like returning to the escape of thoughts of suic ide. I don't want to go back there. But I am also terrified of going forward. But I am going.
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