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gandolfication

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gandolfication last won the day on June 8

gandolfication had the most liked content!

About gandolfication

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    Male
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    Washington DC
  • Interests
    Politics, philosophy, literature, art, film, pop- neuroscience and quantum physics

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  1. gandolfication

    Castiel and Strength

    And, glad you are at least hanging in. I guess psychs have to mange their 'stuff' too - shouldn't be surprising, but I remember the feeling of bewilderment, when a couple of my therapists and/or psychs just seemed to disappear, one at least I think probably went out of practice. And it just kind of underscored the daunt, the realness, etc. of this condition and life's challenges. It was a bit unsettling, and these were former providers for me.
  2. gandolfication

    Castiel and Strength

    20 Years, That's hardly novelish in length....he says with a sigh... Although it's hard to define exactly, but 'giftset' and some other nuances reminded me why I enjoy reading your writing. I can relate to the shift from deep depression to detachment as the source of ennui and worse. Re: " And I hate social media, too. But I"m the one at work who has primary responsibility updating our FB page, events calendar, all that stuff. That's really the only reason I ever get on anymore. I feel like because of my job I can't really post what I think anyway - nowadays its not unusual for people to get fired for posting the wrong stuff on social media, even on their own time. Everything feels toxic nowadays. " Yep, exactly. I got on FB in 2010 to market my then-law practice. I have only sporadically used it for anything more than posting pictures of family. But when I do, it often is for political 'discussion' and debate. I was brought up--and still believe--that there are few things more worthy of being discussed and debated than politics, religion, and even sex - oh no! And right, today, essentially all are verboten - and I do understand why - the toxic polarization, dumbing down, and frankly, diminished time and attention we virtually all suffer from. Still, I am unwilling on both principal and habituated practice, to give them up. I try to pick my spots, use equanimity, not troll, etc., but I can't always help it. Should I get a job where either I am tasked with managing certain social media activity (as some I've applied for), and/or where public social media content is likely to come under more scrutiny, I may track back with you. I am mindful that employers could easily hold my posts against me - very few could conceivably be considered controversial, except perhaps that I have expressed strong political opinions. Somewhat relatedly, I am thinking about writing articles (all the time) and some at least would be about dealing with existential depression in mid-stream - meaning publically working through it, unlike the majority of articles that are in one form or another, describing how someone 'overcame' or got past the worst of their depression. Mine--at least for now--would be about dealing with a prolonged crisis and writing about it, openly, honestly before getting to any other side. As such, it would be an exercise in transparency and--one of my most cherished values--authenticity. It would also be vulnerable - a taking a stand against stigmatization, and a real risk. I may write it and not publish it, or do so only here. Anyway, it's something I think about a lot.
  3. gandolfication

    Castiel and Strength

    Btw, I hate social media. I have a facebook account. For years I didn't, then I got one when I 'needed' it to market my law practice. Then, I went through some phases where I was using it to a) share pictures w/ family/friends (which I still do and it's useful for that), and b) to 'discuss' things, aka, mainly debate politics, which of course have gotten toxic. So I try not to, but have been a little bit lately (so Fr***ing depressing). Apology in advance, since it's been a while, my degraded memory will have a hard time remembering many specifics, but then it'll start to come back to me. (I've had somewhat similar conversations with the small handful of friends I've made on here over the years, so sometimes some if it runs together in my discordant head). Anyhow, mainly just wanted to say hi, and see what you were up to.
  4. gandolfication

    Castiel and Strength

    Like that. Love the song and that lyric. How've you been doing? I don't do well at following friends like yourself I've met on here. I think I used to more....I know part of it's me, being wrapped up in my own head so much, and I think at least part is that I get used to how technology works, and when it changes (as this site has), for whatever reasons, it doesn't seem as easy. Anyway, I've always enjoyed talking to you here. So I need to come back and visit your blog and what you're writing.
  5. Hm. I'm starting on 10 mg of Nortriptyline today. I don't think I've ever try to tricyclic before. The only side effect I usually ever get from any antidepressant is dry mouth and don't think it's too bad, but I am glad that you reminded me see who check for my own bad breath. It would be nice if I found any medication that worked at all. I hope yours is going well?
  6. I'm starting on 10 mg of Nortriptyline today. Never never try to tricyclic before I don't think.
  7. I know exactly what you mean. Yah, I too am somewhat--ok a lot--scared of it, but still much less than how scared I am of constant major depression. I guess what I've found is that I have been able to channel and even 'control' pretty well, when and IF I am engaged in a life--especially a job*--that bears some fulfillment. And most of this, I admit, was in the first 32-ish years of my life. And that may be another way of saying that the onset and progression of this disease has gotten worse for me over time as it often does as we age. *This is one big reason I am considering possibly moving back home and starting up a form of law practice again with a former classmate of mine who still a good friend.
  8. Hell yah. Hypomania. Is the best. Maybe I'm not supposed to say that but it absolutely is, especially when it can be channeled into actual productivity with a lot of artists and some other people are able to do. I was able to do in college and law school to great effect...I just had no idea it was the early precursors for bipolar disorder, which seems a little funny now. And I miss the sh*t out of it. Along with my religious and political zeal of the time, it was the most potent force I have ever experienced, and nothing else comes close...better than any drug I've ever tried...which in terms of formerly ilicit drugs is only 1 I guess. Anyhow, in the past at times, I've.tried my damnedest to induce hypomania in myself, with sort of success... Meaning that I have been at least able to stimulate I started the same period of high-energy inactivity and a little bit better feeling almost always directed at some specific purpose, and then much as I don't want two advantages into some level of crash. I think I've had really only had 1 episode of what I'd call high-level hypomania (i.e. almost full mania)...whish is why my diagnosis is BP II.
  9. I'm going about doing things thus and so, and occasionally, I need to stop and notice the unimportance of the impermanence and all.

    I actually got a lot of good and seemingly important things done the last couple days, even while I am losing the ability to understand what that means.  Since I am no closer to being able to find work that is remunerative and thus has imputed meaning by both consensus and necessity, I move on eventually to space I am resigned to be more comfortable operating in - existential esoterica. 

    I think perhaps, while plainly unhealthy at a conventional orthodox level, this expression of the inexpressible, or poetic scream into the void, is not only an underrated coping mechanism, but is as or more meaningful as anything.  In any case, we must all ultimately be our own judges for what means anything.  So, I spit out here, a rough draft of either something or nothing.

     

    Something from Nothing

     

    I awoke this morning, thinking,

    What shall I do, that matters?

    What can I do, that sticks?

    What substance or significance, and why?

     

    When once I walked this way,

    And thought it should print some meaning,

    An epigenetic identity stamp,

    Now, all is quiet, the raging fading.

     

    Like two objects colliding,

    And I being the smaller of the two, gave way,

    As nature must have it, reacting,

    To forces exceeding my grasp.

     

    I wish I could say it was easy,

    To slip into oblivion,

    But I went kicking and screaming,

    Until I stopped resisting.

     

    The inexorable force of destiny,

    Bidding and beckoning come hither,

    To meet the immutable fate,

    Like no one was ever here.

     

    In all our imagined stories,

    We matter, we count, we mean,

    Something, aren’t we so sure,

    An ego trick of the mind?

     

    Two paths diverge again,

    But are they really the same?

    To nihilism and determined optimism,

    Two impostors, neither real.

     

    Here’s to the fleeting moments,

    The ones when I thought things mattered,

    When I know I felt joy and love,

    And now I take rest and leave.

     

    Here’s to the people I met,

    Too many, we liked each other,

    We had good times and bad,

    But that’s when it seemed to matter.

     

    All now is quiet and gray,
    The agony mercifully dulled,

    What forces reach from the earth,

    And propel me to rise again?

     

    They must be quieted,

    Now it is time to sleep,

    To allow releasing my grip,

    And I am off to the deep.

  10. Interesting, sad. I tend to think there are some unanswerable questions (what is infinity, is there a god, why does Johnny Depp keep making s***ty movies, etc). I view people as very largely incomprehensible ultimately....I hope this doesn't sound arrogant or sour grapes...it probably has something to do with a background more comfortable with splitting hairs, eliminating ambiguity and vagueness and reducing things until everything is at least describable, if not quantifiable
  11. Isn't it fair to say then that there is major overlap between these and that many people exhibit symptoms of both? I concede I am deliberately not using clinical precision....and this is an area where I find clinical precision to be no more good than it's ever-changing definitions, understandings, and frankly, a very false sense of understanding of the actual underpinnings at least of the manic disorders, with which I am most familiar and read myself by far. When I say I think we're we are still in the dark ages in understanding, much less treating seveer depression, it stems from the experience of SO MANY here, and my own. Refractory depression is not rare. Antidepressants are a show for so many and I actually believe most. Drug companies cherry pick only their most complimentary studies, and bury the rest, and most sufferers can scarcely of at all tell the difference between a placebo, even while I'm very glad for those antidepressants (ads) really help. You'll have to excuse the fact that yes, my own experience where ads have been a nulity or a negative, obviously leads to some confirmation bias, but conclusions aren't necessarily wrong because they might be colored by confirmation bias. Besides, I almost invariably remain on ads because it is all modern psychaitry will do, and because I'd give up limbs if they ever did help. But ive never had one help even a tiny little bit. Zero. Anyhow, I didn't mean to concert this to some conversation or debate about ads, once in a while I just need to vent at how impoverished and ineffective I think they really are, and they're all the profession offers really now. So easy, so profitable, so hard and subjective to measure, so many warnings they may INCREASE suicidality, etc. But profit supercedes all. There, I got that rant out for now.... apologies, I do feel p***** I've been given so many of these deugs after showing psychs, mountains and years of evidence that they do not work for me.
  12. I don't think mania technically goes with BPD, though as you point out, BPD does have its own freequent volatile mood swings (so how different is this part really?). Even within manic illness, there is the continuum from hypomania (mild) to full blown mania. Life, it seems, is a seamless web.
  13. I have almost exactly the same kind of shopping thing - I don't go crazy, or buy a bunch of useless stuff, but I also have great difficulty not buying things I want or think I need. I view it as reduced impulse control, as well as trying to medicate with something I'm just sure will work, but anyway, it sounds similar.
  14. "Do you mean that the spectrum goes from bipolar to BPD to Schizophrenia? I think those are completely different things. There aren't any medications that can help BPD." Yes, that is what I mean. They are treated and described in many ways as on a continuum, and even one evolving over time along this continuum. I do know there are big differences. Both DSM 4 and 5 and the profession, nonetheless, do treat them as close cousins in many ways. To wit, my own doctors and therapists over years wondering and weighing if I am really more bipolar or more BPD? And we do I think pretty much know that if and as manic illness deteriorates, it eventually merged into schizophrenia, where the line disappears. These are crude oversimplifications (and there may also be fierce and widespread disagreement), but they are also not without grounding in the professional literature. The acting like others thing is fascinating to me. We all do it to some extent - we even now know some interesting things about how mirror neurons actually scientifically make another person respond to it - it's the basis for neuro linguistic programming (social engineering), sometimes legitimate, sometimes flim flam, but always fascinating. I too, am a bit of a Zelig in certain ways (Woody Allen's character who always took on the personalities and affectations of those around her, like an overactive peer pressure desire to be accepted). I tend to be able to imitate people easily and well. Sometime recently, I heard an entertainer say something like, we have one face, but a thousand masks. Zig Ziglar used to tell the story of a famous comedian in the 70's who did lots of great impressions, and an interviewer once asked him, do you ever find yourself imitating all these other people in all their combinations, and you lose track of who you are? And the guy went a little pale and said, 'yes.' I don't think there's any moral to that story, I just find it poignant.
  15. I was thinking that a lot of people on the BPD spectrum wouldn't have the wherewithal to pull this off. But then again, this makes sense I guess. Looking at it as a continuum from bipolar to BPD to Schizophrenia (which with some oversimplicity I think is how these are viewed), this makes more sense. Kay Jamison's book, Touched With Fire is one big narrative and case study on how manic illness and artistic temperament simply go together. Not always, but extremely often enough to merit a strong correlation and most likely even some causal relationship.
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