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gandolfication last won the day on February 28 2019

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About gandolfication

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    Washington DC
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    Politics, philosophy, literature, art, film, pop- neuroscience and quantum physics

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  1. Mixed bag. My experience is that depending on the strain, it either amplifiers sedation or stimulant effects. Really, this is always the case, when agents are mixed, isn't it? I mean, big picture, broadly speaking, virtually every psychoactive agent I've ever had that did anything, either increased stimulative effects or sedation. Those are kind of the two options. So, awareness and caution. I don't do it much, and I've reduced the amount, but now and then, when I want to feel good, I still do. One time, someone told me that the purpose of life was to be happy. I try to remember that.
  2. I like how you've dialed in that green buzz is the way to watch stuff. I like it to work out. I'm not supposed to use it while on Latuda. But I deemed that further data were required.
  3. hahaha "BOOGA BOOGA" i take to mean media boogeyman hysteria? I'm binge watching the newer Battlestar Galactica--again Flawless. I'm going through watching movies with my kids and we're also 'bout to finish the 5-6 part Night On Earth Netflix animal documentary, which is great. Movie recommendation time: Knives Out and Dark Waters, both 9/10 Frozen 2 - 6/10, but still good with the kids. Star Wars 9: Rise of Skywalker - 7/10, worth the watch. My pocket book after renting and buying new movies: $1
  4. Nothing like a world wide replay of the movie, Contagion to ratchet up those of us who already have anxiety disorders, huh? (that was an attempt at maudlin humor). Take a valium or klonopin before exposing yourself....to news.
  5. Sorry about that. (and also for just coming back her now and responding). I hope you've felt a little better in the days since. I did a lot of that this past weekend too. I'm trying to change too, but also sometimes maybe we just need that. Hey, it beats having been in a large public gathering these days I guess.
  6. Thank you. I needed that.
  7. A month ago, I got a hardcore letter from the Ohio Supreme Court that I was 27.00 hours out of compliance, 3.0 for the 2018-2019 biennium, and the full 24 hours for the 2016-2017 biennium. The 3.0 hours from last year, I was able to track down and get the proper certificate sent in without too much detective work. Under multiple Governing Rules, blah, blah, I had until the end of this month, March 30th, to take all remaining 24 hours for 2016-2017, or else I would be sanctioned, to and including suspension. I didn’t have the time, stamina or money to take 24 hours of CLE in March. I did become active again in July 2017 so that I could apply for e-discovery/doc review jobs while in VA/DC (some allow working under any state license). I thought it was incorrect, but it was hard to prove….sorta like proving a negative. I did my best restraint, not getting overtly angry, since it’s the OHSC I’m dealing with, but suggested pointedly that they check with their IT, because this seemed incorrect….basically, doing a lawyer’s hail Mary when I didn’t know what I was talking about, and figured it was my mistake. I did think I remembered clearing this with the Court back in 2017, but did I have anything in writing? Of course not. Again, it would have been proving a negative in anticipation of a mistake. Called them back today. They said, oh you’re in compliance now. I pressed the issue about 2016-2017, and they said, yah, we made a mistake. We emailed you new notice that you’re in compliance a few days ago. They didn’t. I had them re-send it (that’s what’s attached). So, I’ve been sweating, trying to figure out what the heck I was going to do. Whew, now I get to turn back to my other list of seemingly intractable problems. I worry too much, god. I need to like remind myself to feel good about this. Generally, I sometimes get a sense of relief.
  8. Thank you both for your kindness. I hope you have a good weekend. Epic, you being good to the bugs out in the desert? (do I remember that right?)
  9. "Never enough. Bad. Worthless. Irremediable." These are the predominant messages I tell myself nearly every moment of every day. They hover mostly in a semi-conscious netherworld, not quite conscious or intentional, but still registering at some level, and always affecting the way I think and feel about myself and thus life. I have been told, and learned that mindfulness and self compassion are the antidotes, and I believe this. I have experienced it, even though it seems impossible to remember and retain. Mindfulness is intentionally being present right now without negative criticism. Self compassion has been defined as common humanity, mindfulness, and self kindness. For me, a more useful definition is remembering that the love i want to give to others, I also give to myself. I tend to ask why questions, when I would prefer to ask (and answer) what and how questions. Instead of why is life so painful all the time, replace it with, what do I want to be like, and how do I make the littlest bit more that way, just now? If I can focus on that, and just do one thing differently, then there is hope. I just got back from court, and 'won' a case, but don't really feel good about it. I'm sure there's a psychological term for this, I'm going to guess dopamine depletion or something like that. I'm not truly anhedoniac (unable to feel pleasure), but its just much fewer and further between, and I know there are neuroscientific reasons for this and that depression and stress cause it. This court case is compounded because its a form of case that doesn't help the weaker party, and I never like that. Generally, and with a few exceptions, even when something goes right, or I do something 'good,' I at best feel a partial sense of momentary relief. Exceptions include good physical exercise, and sometimes doing things for others (aka unselfish acts), especially with and for my kids, who are the meaning of life to me. These usually actually feel good to me. Sometimes writing something that I end up thinking is good, feels good (which is is why I am here now as a self-conscious form of escape and coping). A couple months ago I had bought a weapon to end my life, and I think I was pretty close to using it. Life has fallen down around me in so many ways, I don't want to recount them here, and most people here can relate and have their own similar experiences anyway. I stayed close to a couple friends and sold it back. Things have been tough for a long time. They're going to be tough for a lot longer. I need to believe I actually can provide myself with some hope. That I can change from being so self-absorbed to being more self-compassionate, which is also other-oriented and unselfish. The love (or lack thereof) I give to myself, I also extend to others, and it in turn, redounds back to myself in what I believe is a virtuous cycle. It works both ways. (Even this post, I feel, I sense is too self-absorbed as usual, but I don't know...it's at least putting it out here to start). I started a new medication, Latuda a couple weeks ago. I'm hopeful it can help augment other actions I'm trying to take. I've been listening to a very good book on the power of movement and exercise to heal us - this has always been one of the few reliable things that helps me if I can make myself do it. After a good re-start a couple weeks ago, some bad weather and spinal pain flared back up conspiring against me; but I know neither will be there all the time. I generally don't feel up to the task of doing almost anything these days, much less running a law practice and business, most of which is just very difficult. After court, feeling depleted, I wanted to sleep. I had to prepare last night, and didn't sleep well afterward. Normally, lately, I'd have slept in my car and tried to just zone out. It's a terrible habit, and is purely a bad coping escape mechanism. Instead, I went home and got my gym bag. If I can make it to the gym over lunch, I can feel better, and it can build. It's a start.
  10. Yah, @JD4010, that's also true you're right. Try to stay ahead of that wheel or jam a metal spike it in it and slow it down if you need to. That's usually my strategy - can't say it works well for me.
  11. I have a bunch of voicemails today of prospective clients wanting to hire me, but I'm not up for it. Even though we desperately need the money, I don't have any more bandwidth. So many of these are bad cases and in all different areas. It makes it nerve wracking and hugely inefficient to take them, because there are sets of rules upon rules, upon statutes, caselaw, more rules, and then each court's written and unwritten more rules. I'm one person without a paralegal, and each one of these is extremely demanding. I feel cooked. The Supreme Court just let me know that because I reactivated my license for a few months at the end of 2017, I'm responsible for the full two-year period's 24 hours of continuing legal education, which is now delinquent. If I don't complete it by the end of March, they'll suspend my license. Each hour of CLE credit costs, on average $100. I'm just too tired from all of it. The plan has been to hire a paralegal, which would help tremendously, but I'm scared sh*tless to do it, and take on that additional obligation, management responsibility, training, and then be able to market, and build up a caseload fast enough to keep paying them, etc. I talked about disability with my therapist a couple weeks ago, and it went as usual - well, it takes forever and is a long shot, etc, etc., I told her I can beat the odds, I'm an attorney and solving these kinds of problems is what I do, but taking the time to assemble all the information again, complete the application (which SSA did not save from a year or two ago, and stupid me, I didn't either - it was an electronic form submission). Meanwhile, I've got like 5 hearings coming up this week and next. I know I'm a whiny baby here. I just want out. I don't feel up for this.
  12. I got Latuda approved by insurance for bipolar, and am not paying for it (it's like thousands per month). I thought I started feeling better already, and may be (who knows what part is placebo early, and I don't care). But things keep piling up in my business, and I'm not able to keep up and do all the different things I have to to maintain a professional practice. Anxiety builds, and I'm just not able to do too many of the things that are most important like bill clients, keep up with my CLE, stay no top of work, market, and even get out what should be pretty simple proposals/business plans to some family and friends who are willing to help. If I was helping someone else, I'd be able to do it much more easily, but because it's for me, and ego and self-loathing are involved, it feels like its going to **** me. I'm crumbling under the pressure, and its a sick feeling seeing it happen again in slow motion. It's going to hurt my kids and family. I've been trying really hard, but I'm overwhelmed and exhausted. god, I wish I wasn't here.
  13. It is fortunate. And then again, I recurrently wish I still had it, like today. I believe the unintuitive spike in suicide rates in the U.S. over the past 5 years+ is nowhere near the mystery that the media and even medical community has made it out to be. It's very simple. Means are now more easily available than ever before. Same day. Nearly everywhere. Consider that I was hospitalized for suicidal ideations in this same city a decade earlier, and nothing showed up in the background check database. I walked in and bought a lethal weapon and ammunition and walked out 30 minutes later.
  14. My 11 year old, Laurel recommended and asked me to watch this show with her and the family (on Netflix and others), The Good Place about an abhorrently selfish woman who finds herself, by some celestial mistake, in The Good Place (heaven), where only the very best of the best moral people get in. It got very good critical reviews, but it looked schmaltzy and like a remake of a hundred other ‘heaven’ shows that usually disappoint. I should have trusted Laurel sooner because first, its very clever and funny, but second, it actually poses remarkably provocative questions about how one actually goes about the project of changing themselves from selfish to unselfish. The protagonist’s ‘soulmate’ character is a professor of ethics, and in a popular show (in its 4th season), actually teaches real, basic principles in heaven. It made me want to go back and read more of the ethical insights from Plato, Socrates, Kant, and especially Aristotle, which I’ve only ever skimmed.
  15. @JD4010, The difference between you and me right now, I think is that you ARE getting up and getting into work on time, or at a reasonable time. I'm still struggling to work up to any consistency or normal, balanced routine for work, home, sleep, etc. Doesn't help that my wife is doing poorly too, but I've been working on some new, more positive habits. As the Rev. of my UU fellowship said yesterday, "I'm a recovering pessimist, because there's really no good point in being one."
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