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gandolfication

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gandolfication last won the day on February 28 2019

gandolfication had the most liked content!

About gandolfication

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    Male
  • Location
    Ohio
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    Politics, philosophy, literature, art, film, pop- neuroscience and quantum physics

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  1. Darkness Receding Flung into this world, Life a surling, sucking eddy of despair, then death. Swimming upstream against anguish, Only sleep partially shuts off the torturous thinking, feeling machine, Absurdity and nihilism always nipping at the heals, Is it any true measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society? Even if the cracks are where the light shines in, where does one find real hope? The search, high and low, for a power inside, A power outside, A change in thinking, an action, a learning, some neurogenesis, A good moment, The beauty, renewal, and innocence of children, Belief in the promise of evolution and technology and discovery, The uncertainty of impermanence in a quantum cosmos, Irisin and other spirit molecules, The possibility of transcendence, transcendentalism, meaning, beauty, joy, truth, and love, a kind word, a hug, An unfinished memory of the darkness receding
  2. I needed to read/hear this just now. I'm spiraling and just bearly hanging on. When I have a better period of time (i.e. much of the past year where I've largely persevered and overcome anxiety, and bipolar II hasn't really flared up badly), I always mistakenly think maybe I've turned a corner. The crushing reality that not only is life already hard enough, but I also have this, that it's a disease, and that it isn't going to go away just shatters this, and I feel I do not want to face life or to be awake anymore again. I'm trying to get through but I don't really want to get through. I want the pain to end.
  3. I really like how you put that last part. It really resonates with me. I hope you're doing okay. The longer I hide away the more life becomes my creation instead of reality
  4. Sober, Yah, I know, almost all of us feel like this and have experienced this. People are selfish animals though amazingly enough, if our perspective isn't too distorted by black/white, all/nothing psychological pessimism too much, we also see mountainous evidence that we people also do so many amazingly good things. I've been the recipient of so much in my experience on this site in fact. Incidentally, shout out from myself and J.D. who I was fortunate to meet up with a few weeks ago, and you were one of our friends' names who came up. I hope something is going well for you. Hang in there.
  5. Here I am again, feeling that the world is ruthless and hopeless. For about a year, I've held this at bay and thought that practicing the skills I've learned May have helped me turn the corner. I hope they have. I hope I bounce back or move past this. Getting back from the first vacation in about 10 years, I'm just spent. The rest of the family are superchristians. I'm not. They're very judgmental, and I realized I really lost them for the most part as any kind of support system. My aging mother is actually a net negative at this point. That's weighing on me. And right now I'm in the abyss. I can barely move, putting one foot in front of the other seems like a Herculean task, I need to shower and go into my office and get some work done before my court schedule starts for the next three days. I'm behind on emails, call backs and some other things. Mainly on frightened which is not conducive to the confidence and decisive action I need to do my jobs. It always feels like everything was for nothing. That's not true, it's an illusion, but it is a strong one. Here I go once more into the breach, terrified, exhausted, utterly unsure of whether I can do this or if it will be worthwhile if I can. Meanwhile those I love depend on me. The awful loneliness feels engulfing. I want to go back to sleep and just stop the world. Here's to hoping and to doing the things I can to move out of this.
  6. Right now, I feel like I just can't even. Since I got back from a vacation a few days ago, I haven't been able to get up early and I'm just sleeping in and not wanting to get back into the anxious grind. Can't afford this. I feel like there's never any margin for error or rest. And I need rest right now. I'm going to try to pick myself up and get going again. I'm just so tired of these cycles. And they amp up the anxiety multiple levels.
  7. Taming the Ego, with Depression It is a strange thing to write about wanting to become more aware of and to process pride, and selfishness, and fear and anger, and basically to try to rid myself or minimize some of the ugliest sides of ego. Especially when the method of doing this is writing – primarily about myself. Is it almost a contradiction in terms? More broadly, can it even be done—the sublimation or surrender or letting to of any party of ego—particularly by one's own effort? Although could it be done any other way? Much has been written about what—if anything—the "self" actually is. And much of it I have read lately by a couple psychologists. While they have insights from their learning and experience, when I come back to trying to apply to me, to myself better, less egotistical and more loving, these terms and the attempt to improve the self, seems like so much self-indulgent mental masturbation. Nevertheless, I plunge forward. I know that I have harmed, and caused pain to those I love most, and to myself. I have come to believe that mainly the immediate reason I have hurt others is a lack of love and acceptance for myself (myself being whoever and whatever I am in this menagerie of conscious mess). I wallow in pain and depression and anxiety. I seek out solace in self-medication in sleep, and alcohol and medicine, and TV and in books and in control and probably in work and cyclical workaholism. I trample on others' feelings and their senses of security. I don't want to or intend to. And I hate and loathe myself for it all the more, and in turn, I spew out more venom at others, not wanting to, but unable to stop. I have identified what I believe is the antidote – more love, more acceptance, more kindness. Last night, I listed some things I can do to (hopefully) actually affect change in myself. They included journaling, loving kindness mediation practice, conscious tracking of language, setting some particular goals, counseling, coaching, and I believe a few others. I believe also, that having a purpose and practices and a program of hope and disciplines are also helpful. Like religion, modified as needed, a 12 step fellowship and program. Staying ground to good friends and making new ones by reaching out is a key I know. I'm not an addict to any substances, so have thought of starting a Lawyers Helping Lawyers group, and begun talking to a couple colleagues about this. This was the most beneficial group I participated in or knew in the last 10 years. It was a deep, rich reservoir of help, wisdom, strength, and compassion from the unlikeliest place – other lawyers. But struggling souls just the same. I fear that I lack the courage and commitment to follow through. I fear that my relationship especially with my wife is too far gone. I fear that I have damaged my children by poor example, and by being erratic, and by character defects. As I look down over the list of symptoms and affects of Bipolar II disorder, I confront again the uncomfortable truth that certainly some of these aforementioned "character defects," are at least partly or very significantly influenced if not caused by this condition. It is not a moral 'pass.' First, because I can never know what portion of my thoughts, feelings and actions flow in what part(s) from the condition (or what thoughts, feelings and actions may have precipitated the condition?). Besides that, and regardless of having such a condition, I in any event have the response-ability to manage it, to practice self-care, to get help, to be aware, mindful, and to in any case, be the best version of myself I can be. It may help explain. It does not relieve responsibility. It adds it in fact, especially once and now that I have had the benefit and privilege of having a good deal of learning, and testing, and therapy. This is all nice. But right now I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. I am trying not to dwell on this and fixate and ruminate as I normally have in the past when depressed. I will try to simply move forward anyway, as life has its rhythms, and knowing I can make things some better for myself and my kids. It is so tiring and difficult to keep getting up, without a clear and direct sense of purpose, pulling me forward, motivating me with a definite source of hope in the face of entropy. Having just spent the week with my very evangelical (fundamentalist) Christian extended family and their uber-emphasis on performance and even competition, has not helped. I feel like the legal work, and the absurd schedule and regimen I've been keeping in recent months is meaningless, and thus, why keep working at it as I have been? One simple, direct answer is because my life and the lives of my family (the only thing which I am confident does have meaning), will be better if I do continue to work hard. Surely, part of the answer also, is to pair back, to let go a little, to surrender the illusion of control, and to do a little less, to practice self care of sleeping, a manageable schedule, recreation, exercise, balance, healthy eating, and maintaining and growing social connections, which are the things that make life purposeful and enjoyable.
  8. Likewise, I thoroughly enjoyed and was glad we could do it. I feel exactly the same, how nice it would be if more of us here could meet in person. I know it isn't in the cards, and for me I'll just have to settle for meeting and trying to be a good friend to those I do know in my personal life who also deal with this phenomenon that all of us here to in some form. Thanks @JD4010 for coming over, and it was a great time.
  9. I can feel myself getting burned out.Run into the ground. I've been working six or seven days a week for so long now and long hours and my private law office and now as a magistrate in the court three days a week. It's nice but it's exhausting, and there are no real breaks. I know I'm supposed to practice self-care and take a break and rest. But I don't know how to reconcile this with the fact that I'm a single income earner for a family of five that is just finally fought us back to having some emergency savings and we desperately want to get into a house with some more space to relieve the tension of our home lives. Experiences taught me that if I do not find a way to slow down, recalibrate rebalance, I wind up crashing or making bad impulsive decisions or something like that. So I'm asking for the serenity to accept the things I can't change, The courage to change the things I can, in the wisdom to know the difference. But I don't really know the answer right now. I am reminding myself to be grateful that I have these opportunities and we are so much further ahead than most of the last 10 years except that my relationship with my wife is deteriorating and things are really really hard with the family.
  10. This reminds me that we have to take the good where we can get it. It sounds like your attitude is good. If I can help you with any resume stuff or ideas, let me know.
  11. I'm having a horrible day....can't focus or get anything done. Its causing me to feel more hopeless and worthless. I want to be better for myself and my family, and just can't seem to, at least today. I'm disintegrating, just not keeping up. Same pattern as last 15 years, I can't seem to shake it off.
  12. I replied to this and it hid it I think because I put an at-symbol with your name. That's really good. I identify from either trying to do most of the same or needing to, myself...including limiting my time here - because often I use it as an escape and coping mechanism, which mostly really doesn't help. It's the doing actions in the real world that does, as you've put it well. I like the last one, #4. I too often think of myself as bluffing, ('faking' till I make it), but I hate this conception, because it smacks of inauthenticity, which I despise. I already feel every bit the impostor. But we all play roles, and this strikes me as positive, good, and productive. I'm playing the role of competent lawyer right now, and that is what I should be doing. So many other lawyers (including good lots of good ones) have confided in me over the years that they feel the same way (clueless and scared and fragmented and just treading waters), but we're not allowed to admit it. It's just the human condition combined in a truly demanding profession. Thanks, and I'm rooting and wishing the best for you.
  13. Not at all. That's what this place is for...to let go and let out our frustrations, fears, etc. If its not an outlet for that, then I don't know what its for, or what would be....
  14. @jkd_sd, That's really good. I identify from either trying to do most of the same or needing to, myself...including limiting my time here - because often I use it as an escape and coping mechanism, which mostly really doesn't help. It's the doing actions in the real world that does, as you've put it well. I like the last one, #4. I too often think of myself as bluffing, ('faking' till I make it), but I hate this conception, because it smacks of inauthenticity, which I despise. I already feel every bit the impostor. But we all play roles, and this strikes me as positive, good, and productive. I'm playing the role of competent lawyer right now, and that is what I should be doing. So many other lawyers (including good lots of good ones) have confided in me over the years that they feel the same way (clueless and scared and fragmented and just treading waters), but we're not allowed to admit it. It's just the human condition combined in a truly demanding profession. Thanks, and I'm rooting and wishing the best for you.
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