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gandolfication last won the day on February 28 2019

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  1. That makes sense, and I'm not here to promote dating websites either (plenty of hassle), but I will tell you there are a lot of other people on them looking and trying for the same thing. Including me. The biggest pleasant surprise to me, is how many people there are a) open and up front about who they are and what they're looking for; and b) how many are also looking for real long term relationships. The people I've met, talked to, gotten to know a little, (and asked out) give every indication of telling real, candid versions of themselves, because they really don't have a lot to gain by not doing so, and they're looking for the same. They don't have time to waste, and so things get real very quickly. Of course not everybody, but that's okay. I'm betting the internet is the #1 way that people now meet and form long term relationships. Anyway, its early for me.
  2. I hear what you're saying, but I havta say, I had those same thoughts and feelings, and my life is kind of a sh*tshow too, but 4-5 women have said yes, they'd love to meet (just couldn't Saturday due to work schedules or kids), and I've only been on this for 2 days. I think there are so many people who have problems too, we just have such a negativity bias that it's "just us." I've found some people get pretty open pretty quickly, even women which is noteworthy given the understandable reasons to be cautious. If I just didn't have such an impulsive personality in general, or could modulate it more reliably, this would (and will) be a great way to meet people and have fun. I don't really have the $ to spend on it ether, but I just went for it for a few bucks for 1 month after I'd learned how to use these from the sources above. Everyone else out there is trying to do the same thing, because: loneliness.
  3. Has anyone here ever tried using online dating apps? My divorce was finalized last Friday (Saturday I moved the 5 of us into 2 new apartments close enough so the kids could walk). The marriage was over for a long time. Since I'm lonely anyway, and that can be like a cancer, one morning this week, I couldn't sleep, so I got up and put up a dating profile on a cupule prominent sites, including the well known one where women make the first move. It's fun, a head trip, and is addictive. Had some good interactions, and a couple people who seem fun and attractive, agreed to go out, though we couldn't make our schedules work this weekend. I think that's pretty good experience so far, especially quickly (the way I typically do everything). Got a lot of good insight and affirmation from an excellent NPR report on ins and outs of dating apps. Best one was something I was already in the process of doing. Rather than trying to figure out what to do once someone's agreed to go out with you, decide something you want to do and would enjoy even if it was just you, and then invite the other person. It works on so many levels, so this is what I did, and I found something very cool. It's taken the pressure off of a lot of it, and I am enjoying a lot of it. Dating app services run on loneliness, and it really is compulsive in nature. I guess I need to slow down, be patient. Actually, as I read this, I realize this is going well, and that I'm just a little hypomanic in general. Curious about others' experience? - g
  4. Epic, I could have quoted your whole post. It was wise and generous, as I've come to know from you. And inspiring, as much the same. I'm just heartened by this. After now the 500th person in my life has told me, nearly verbatim, you're too hard on yourself, I'm starting to at least accept this as an article of faith. I've been practicing self compassion (in the ways one can I suppose), and mindfulness....taking a really good (and completely free) mindfulness based stress reduction course palousemindfulness. And yet, trying to really get at this thing inside me that just always says, it doesn't matter. You're not enough. You'll never be good enough. And from the fundamentalist Christian teachings, you do not deserve love. You're originally sinful and totally depraved, there is nothing good in you, no matter how hard you try. You needed to be perfect, and this is of course ever more true now that you screwed up and lost your belief in the grace of God. You deserve to and might as well **** yourself. This stuff is baked in hard, and just keeps coming back. Besides these constant harsh negative inner criticisms, that so many of us here and everywhere, deal with, you're right Epic, I do forget and fully discount that I have a mental illness. I do go about my life discounting, forgetting, and not seeing that I have a thing called a mental illness and it matters, and I need more than anything else to cut myself some slack, find a way to be kinder, and find some way to find some rest. I just assume, well this isn't new. I can't use it as a crutch. It doesn't help my kids or my clients or me, so I need to hold myself not just to a standard of others without mental illness, but actually the most perfect projection of those I measure myself up to (we all tend to do this). My peers are all very accomplished, lawyers who are workaholics. So winning a trial outright as I did on Monday, gives me a momentary feeling of exhilaration, and satisfaction - I helped someone else and did my job well, that was fun. And then it starts over. Because it is never enough. Well, I'm trying to work through and make some progress on a lot of this in therapy, and some days maybe I can see it. I'm reading my second of two excellent books on kindness. I love them. With every chapter I find myself crying at the poignancy of the wisdom and love on the page. And I try. Anyway, your post is somehow simultaneously gentle and provocative. Thank you very much. I have come back here to read it at the right time. My many thanks. -g
  5. So true, and I usually don't take well to this kind of it could be worse admission. (Epicitas here does it well though). But I've been working on this, gratitude, and specifically reducing complaining. And reading Buddhism and radical acceptance and practicing mindfulness-based stress reduction in the like. And what you're saying is absolutely true. Even not having money isn't really the problem, it's my reaction to it.
  6. Thank you. My court hearings are going well at least, and I think I'm returning to getting some things done in the office today. Long days and nights come but about half the time I feel more alive than ever, and I need to remember that. Thank you again
  7. I'm not handling pressure and being tired today. I'm burned out, and lack of money and ability to provide security for my kids seems like problems that are too big. I feel like going. I don't have the guts. Back here again.
  8. Thanks Evergreen, I've formed a very consistent exercise routine, although it is hard to find something that doesn't exacerbate the chronic neck and back pain that's developed in me in part from an injury. However, week five of this excellent free online MBSR course is all about turning toward emotional and physical pain that we create psychologically and through muscle tension, and so I'm quite hopeful about it. I also have gotten into a very good sleep routine, although I do have some sleep apnea, and I got rid of trying to sleep cpap machine which I just cannot stand. Anyway even the sleep specialist told me that my apnea is almost all non-physical and related to anxiety, so I figure I should put the time and energy into therapy in such things anyway. Thank you again for taking the time to respond here.... I can't tell you all how much I appreciate it.!!
  9. Thank you, that's really lovely and affirming. And I have been making progress in a lot of these things, with perfect (sufficient, full) imperfection. Yes there is striving, and some of it still unhealthy, but moment by moment I learn to let go or at least loosen the grip more. This morning, in my practice, I read a wonderful article on radical acceptance by Tara Brach. There's a sense of healing and strength and resilience to get through the day, even though there's such a whirlwind of pain and anxiety so much of the time. Thank you again.
  10. I really enjoy the way you write. Thank you. I had another therapy session last night. I did the riskiest most vulnerable thing I'd ever done in therapy. It was pretty bold, and there was a ton of fear and shame around it. I know that's vague for now. Maybe I'll write about it here sometime. It was something I had wanted to do and thought about for a long time, but wasn't sure it was worth the risk. Sometimes life is just enough of a many splendored thing to get you through the next moments and a day. And I guess that's what I'm living for right now, as so many times, and I guess that's okay.
  11. I'm sitting in the conference room, trying to get my supervising attorney ready for a hearing tomorrow. I'm having trouble concentrating and managing anxiety, which is ironic, because she was just talking to me about the same. I know its common. I'm having to do a lot of mental and emotional work in my head to defuse from these thoughts about how "my life is falling apart" from divorce, financial calamity, kids, work, etc. But these are sloppy generalized thoughts that don't necessarily have any relationship to truth. I'm just going to have to kind of try to surf the anxiety, and gently bring my attention, intentionally back to the present, and what I am trying to do. I feel so checked out, just feeling like I want to go and **** myself all the time right now. I just want to sleep. I had a rough therapy session last night, in which she said "you seem to always be staying so busy doing so much." And yet I'm not staying above water, or getting much done. She also told me that of all her clients, she thinks I'm the one who is hardest on myself. This I can believe; and I've tried and worked, and I think have made some progress. But, I just don't feel like I have the resources right now to get through any of this. I'm only doing it, because I don't seem to have a choice. I need to get off of here and get back to work. I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep, and then never have to wake up.
  12. Yah, this is true. I've started using a number as a shorthand with anyone I feel comfortable / trust enough to do that with. Otherwise, I just say 'fine' because it is the social convention to get to the next thing we need to do. it's highly contextual to me, and sometimes I interrupt someone else's pattern. Fine. Don't ask, if you don't want to know. I'll extend the same to others.
  13. @MtnDreams, I don't think your hiding your depression is necessarily being fake. Time, place and context. You need to feel safe. You're sharing it here. And it is never too late. I started being more open about mine, some years ago, and I can tell you as many here can, that it is often a very high risk-reward proposition. There is real risk of consequence in our society.
  14. @mmoose, That's funny. It reminds me of an old sitcom, Inside Herman's Head, and also of Disney's Inside Out. These are good, really vivid depictions of emotions. I read and write a good bit on neuroaesthetics, and the usefulness of art and particularly film and TV in evoking and processing difficult emotions, and also just transforming suffering into beauty, to cope better with life when it feels unbearable. Which it does to me right now. I'm just going to vent this burden for a minute. Life continues to unravel. Money is gone, my wife is hiding all of her (modest income), the kids are suffering, I'm crippled with anxiety and a feeling of total lack of control with this new law firm that feels right now like its going to **** me (I'm just burned out and ready to end my life), and last night felt like the last straw. The one thing I really had going for me and felt good about, was a really good working relationship with my therapist (also former favorite law professor). Last night, she kind of got me talking and focusing in a direction I didn't want to; no big deal, but I had wanted to spend the time talking about some stuff I had prepared (on neuroaesthetics), just to have something in my life right now to feel good about. I uploaded it in advance, and even told her this was what I wanted to do. Usually, she'd be all over this; but it didn't and we ran out of time, and I felt the worst I ever have, walking out of there. I don't want to let it affect this relationship, which is far too important to me, so I'm determined that I won't. I guess I can accept and validate the way I felt (feel) and still forgive or just let it go, remembering we all--even therapists--are people. I have a very strong, unfortunate tendency to idealize to the point of deifying people. It's not fair or helpful; and I recognize I am just really suffering and sensitive right now. I have wanted to die anyway, and talked about it. I REALLY wanted to when I walked out. And this just doesn't seem to be getting easier. I feel alone. I have good friends. I have some support at work (though this environment is brutal for me generally). I have family. They're kind of there, kind of not. Life just hurts so much right now, and I don't know how I'll take care of my kids or provide us with a decent life. Thanks for letting me vent here. I need to do something positive, but for now, I just needed to share this burden.
  15. I'm reading this today, after a very difficult few days especially yesterday. And this feels so kind. Thank you.
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