I don't post on this thread much. I grew up being indoctrinated into fundamentalist evangelical Christianity which contributed to a lot of guilt, shame, excessive negative self talk, perfectionism and other problems later in life. I'm reading a really interesting book called Buddhish: A Guide to the 20 Most Important Buddhist Ideas for the Curious and Skeptical As a set of philosophical ideas, I really like it, especially the chapter on renunciation of the self, and the self as an illusion (which I may post more on later because wow, what a mind-bending description of this the author gives). I love the idea of there being no self at all. Impermanence of all physical things doesn't seem quite as exciting, but it seems like a correct observation, and I find it amazing that people had the foresight to notice these things back before smart phones and TV.
I certainly understand this from my own experience too. The only distinction I'll make, and it can be a really big one, is that we are able to recognize and address the delusion that our actual "worth" as members of the human pool is the same as our bank accounts or lack thereof. Isn't true. Never was. Never will be. But we were taught and bought in to this delusion. I try to remember and have less of it.
ug, I hate evictions. I know DR courts are in some ways the worst, but it sounds like the case to reduce spousal support when you have no income is a good one. Good luck on that and I presume finding a new gig to get by. You can do it. And please do call.
@JD4010, I'm glad you're past COVID it sounds. You're a gutsy guy who's been through a lot already. I'm sorry to hear that you're facing what you are, I know that must be really difficult. I hope the legal battle isn't an eviction. Anything you can do to get help? Call me if you want.
There's a lot I like about that realization and letting go of comparison. I have long thought that kind of everyone deals with something on the mental illness continuum. That's a little strong though now that I've had help understanding my own more, and seeing a lot of other people in really severe and acute mental illness distress. Happily, and even though I never really thought I could or would do anything like "recovering," (a term I sort of don't' like because its so broad), I can now say how much difference I realize it makes now that I know how and am just living a better, richer, life, more open, aware and actively engaged in it.
I've been posting here since 2011. I've had bipolar disorder since then and some other irritations like generalized anxiety and mild ADHD. I know many people here feel like they've tried everything. I'm one of them. To say that I have tried a lot of things and put a lot of work into recovery and living my best life would be a titanic understatement. Another time, I'll list all the numerous different tools, modalities, resources, treatments, etc. I've been doing a lot of writing I hope to put up on a blog here (some waiting for approval) from a lot of years of reading, research, working with a lot of really dedicated experts, and now partly also from my role as a jr. judge in our mental health court, where I am again fortunate to be able to pick the brains of a large number of expert psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers. I have made a lot of really strong progress in the past couple years, and have really transformed some things and am in the process of transforming more, mainly from the past 6-7 months. I look forward to talking about here more again. One reason the past 7 months have been so momentous (even through a lot of tumultuous life change), is that began working with a new therapist, who was my best law professor in law school. She went back and got her LPC and started as a therapist a few years ago, and very fortunately for me is even better at this profession. Best in town from my perspective and experience. Anyway, I hope I'll be able to share some strength, experience and hope here in the coming days and weeks. It has taken a lot of hard work again, but I would not be where I am without the help of these other people I hope everybody here today has some happiness, peace and love in their lives. -g
JD, sorry to hear you were hospitalized with Covid, but I'm glad to hear you've had some good come out of the (bad) deal. I'm sure it is really difficult. You can do this. I wish somehow all of us could at least remember the reality that our inherent worth is not in any way related to our bank account or our "success" or even actions in life. I am well aware with you how quality/enjoyment/happiness, etc. in life most definitely is helped by having means and money up to a certain level. You can get back to having a life you decide is meaningful, worth living, and even joyful (even in the midst of our pain). I know because even with all my own constant "problems," neuroses, insanities, and pain and suffering, etc., I'm actually doing it more now than pretty much ever before....with and from a lot of help and work. You'll get there. Please let me know if you ever want to talk about anything or if I can help in any way. Best, - g
Moments like these, I ask myself, why do I stay?
And the answer always only seems to be the fear of pain it takes to leave.
The act of annihilating body and self is heavy if really faced.
Too, leaving the family that probably would be shattered.
It seems so unlikely, but others feel just the same as this.
Desperately wanting to be dead.
At least not ever having to be awake again.
****ed in the head.
A misery unique each moment.
Is there any value?
All the things I try to believe in - not one lasts.
Some see how thing are real and matter anyway.
I don’t seem to.
Like Samson asking, I wish the walls would fall in.
Finally, no more.
The real insanity is that I still won’t give myself permission.
And for that, I hate myself the more,
And the world I live in.
What a waste of time and space.
Please come oblivion.
I’m sorry, I feel the guilt and shame of despising this world, this one only now.
It is a strange belief to think the only way I can get the love I want, is to be gone.
I usually know how to rationalize; but there is no rationalizing this.
It simply is.
I do not see a love worth living for.
I forget why I stay
Although I see my absurd felion above, Mr. Spot.
And this building’s not high enough, and the windows don’t open.
Life is such an unrelenting trap.
We should have been given a choice to be alive in the first place.
I want to accept things; myself and others.
Something’s wrong, and it can’t be fixed.
Someone please turn out the lights.
Perhaps I could pay someone to do it for me.
The light is too bright and loud.
I’ve kept trying; really I have.
I have resources and privilege.
My troubles on paper aren’t so great.
There’s no excuse; I also do not need one.
Just I can’t solve the pain of being myself.
Everything hurts, almost all of the time.
Things feel good or neutral just enough to remind me of how bad they usually feel.
I believe this is a mirage, but there feels nothing left to ruin.
There’s no law, no impetus that can force me to stay.
It is a self-imposed prison, for which I hate myself all the more. Down to the bones and back through the other side.
There is no good thing about me, ultimately.
So, if morality means anything, it means my life is unworthy to live.
And meaning means nothing.
In the funhouse light of judgment and despair.
But it is no less real to the feeler.
All that’s left is disgust.
I can’t escape the escape from the noisome me.
What if I let go
And nothing happened.
I dream of being hit by a large truck
Nothing would even be my fault.
These thoughts are sound and fury signifying nothing.
And there’s no one left to call.
The welcome has been long worn out by this prodigal son who never grew up
Just one moment of courage and then all is over.
I am tired of being bound up in this.
No more. Nomore.
@JD4010, I'm sorry you're going through this. This must be so difficult it for you. We are here for you. It's nice to see you've gotten a blog page up here (I tried putting one up a few days ago; it's still under review). I'm pulling for you. I don't want to be that guy who thinks he can help others 'solve problems' with unsolicited advice, so I hope I can say this with the understanding you're welcome to take with however large a grain of salt or disregard it altogether. Over and over in my life as I've gotten older, I too have been out of work with a family, with increasingly dim prospects of being able to get any kind of decent job, with a family to support. I went walking into fast food restaurants in DC trying to convince them I really wanted this job. They wouldn't even consider an interview. I thought my whole value and worth was whether I had a job (and could do it with near perfection). It's not. Of course a job and income/stability are important. I have to think that in this current great resignation labor shortage, that if you can get guerilla on it, e.g., try knocking on a few doors, making some calls in the service industry, you could at least get some paying job, even if it was temporary. Not saying it would necessarily be great. I hate to see you on the edge like this (I know the feeling well and never feel like I'm that far from it, though there's a big difference). You're too good a person. The world would be a less good place if you weren't in it. For myself, I'm going to go out on YouTube (and Netflix) and watch some stuff by Berne Brown about shame and some of this stuff - there's a great 3 minute clip of her talking about shame on YouTube on the Oprah show. It's still my dominant (primary emotional) source of distress. I guess my view of things now is that whatever events actually happen in my life and however hard they might be, I at least want to let go or loosen up some of the crippling feelings/beliefs of shame/inadequacy/embarrassment, etc., (which then also translate into fear and anger for me). If that resonates, I wish the same for you. F*ck life's hard parts. F*ck it. It doesn't matter. You matter. Sometimes when I get like this, I try my best to step back, kind of center down, and just stop all my constant striving. It gets unhealthy for me. Just this morning, I was trying to hear and learn again to just sit with the discomfort. Tolerate it. I don't get on DF that often or get live notices these days, but feel free to message me any way you want. I didn't mean to hijack your blog here (yes, I kinda did though : ). Hope you find some peace and enjoyment today. I bet its legit cold up your way.
We constantly hear about mindfulness and living in the present moment these days. I've been reading a lot and doing good therapy for the pat 6 months and have made a lot of meaningful change in my life, even while most of the time is still very scary and painful and difficult. So, here is my take on this subject for myself today:
My wife called me a few minutes ago, hurting a lot (we both are), but also telling me she's calling her lawyer to direct him to file a 90-day stay of conciliation while she and I work to repair our relationship. This postpones the need to hire my own counsel or move forward and do anything with the divorce lawsuit. It was good timing, as I was within the next couple minutes getting ready to call one of the divorce attorneys I know and had discussed this with to schedule a consult and hire her.
So, big, good day for me. I have I believe some really hard things to work on; for the first time, I know I can do it.
One of my closest friends said to pray for her happiness twice a day (which I had kind of already been doing for 2 weeks now), and to pretend I'm a character actor acting like the nicest person I know.
Act as if until you are is the idea; if we act in a certain way consistently enough, soon it's just part of identity.