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gandolfication

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gandolfication last won the day on February 28 2019

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About gandolfication

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    Ohio
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    Politics, philosophy, literature, art, film, pop- neuroscience and quantum physics

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  1. I'm having a horrible day....can't focus or get anything done. Its causing me to feel more hopeless and worthless. I want to be better for myself and my family, and just can't seem to, at least today. I'm disintegrating, just not keeping up. Same pattern as last 15 years, I can't seem to shake it off.
  2. I replied to this and it hid it I think because I put an at-symbol with your name. That's really good. I identify from either trying to do most of the same or needing to, myself...including limiting my time here - because often I use it as an escape and coping mechanism, which mostly really doesn't help. It's the doing actions in the real world that does, as you've put it well. I like the last one, #4. I too often think of myself as bluffing, ('faking' till I make it), but I hate this conception, because it smacks of inauthenticity, which I despise. I already feel every bit the impostor. But we all play roles, and this strikes me as positive, good, and productive. I'm playing the role of competent lawyer right now, and that is what I should be doing. So many other lawyers (including good lots of good ones) have confided in me over the years that they feel the same way (clueless and scared and fragmented and just treading waters), but we're not allowed to admit it. It's just the human condition combined in a truly demanding profession. Thanks, and I'm rooting and wishing the best for you.
  3. Not at all. That's what this place is for...to let go and let out our frustrations, fears, etc. If its not an outlet for that, then I don't know what its for, or what would be....
  4. @jkd_sd, That's really good. I identify from either trying to do most of the same or needing to, myself...including limiting my time here - because often I use it as an escape and coping mechanism, which mostly really doesn't help. It's the doing actions in the real world that does, as you've put it well. I like the last one, #4. I too often think of myself as bluffing, ('faking' till I make it), but I hate this conception, because it smacks of inauthenticity, which I despise. I already feel every bit the impostor. But we all play roles, and this strikes me as positive, good, and productive. I'm playing the role of competent lawyer right now, and that is what I should be doing. So many other lawyers (including good lots of good ones) have confided in me over the years that they feel the same way (clueless and scared and fragmented and just treading waters), but we're not allowed to admit it. It's just the human condition combined in a truly demanding profession. Thanks, and I'm rooting and wishing the best for you.
  5. I hear you and know you how feel. That's how I've felt, and yet....from the many jobs I have been terminated from, I've not yet ever done it. I keep carrying on and there are some good things in life for which I'm glad I've stayed, especially my kids. (I try to do the gratitude list thing, but am inconsistent). So its helpful for me to hear you say that and realize that much of what I'm expressing are 'just' feelings, not necessarily reflective of the whole of reality.
  6. I can't seem to get or keep it together. Not even for my wife and kids whom I love. I keep trying, but the anxiety is getting the best of me and I lapse into escapism and distraction. I just want this pressure for survival to subside, and really to end. I'm tired. The things I'm doing aren't enough, and I've been here before so many times and it is so miserable. I can't seem to overcome being petrified of nearly everything (especially much of my work), and I hate myself for failing to be able to do it. Same old story. I've been writing, doing some meditation, a little exercise, some spiritual practices, but am having trouble getting up and going and then getting work done once I finally get into the office. Cases are falling behind, and the truth is, I know I mostly hate what I have to do as a lawyer to survive. I can't seem to handle it. This is nothing new. It just sucks. I have no answers. Past history has taught me that at least up to now, I lack the courage to go through with ending my life, which only leaves gutting it out while seeing the tiniest thread of security for my family and me, dissolve again. I feel much older than I am, and have extreme difficulty focusing or having hope or optimism about anything. Life hurts. I'm isolated. Despite trying to practice compassion and acceptance, I hate myself. I know these words won't be anything that most others hare haven't felt as much or more than I have. I wanted to make something of my life, to be a good example to and be able to help my kids. I feel like I've let them down profoundly. Incredibly, they still love me, and I them. I just the pain and disfunction to end. I need to sleep.
  7. Manifesto is a good term for that, I think you're right. Yes, there are people I've begun forming friendships with...somewhat interrupted by pandemic zoom church, but that's better than nothing and this won't last forever. thanks.
  8. This is a link to my own blog, which I believe we are allowed to post, right? If someone knows the terms of service (or where to find the applicable provision) better than me, and can let me know, I appreciate it. https://wordpress.com/post/onbeingnow.wordpress.com/141
  9. I feel lazy or worthless or defective about the fact that I can't overcome this paralyzing anxiety. I feel I should be able to. I'm smart, educated, have read and availed myself of a lot of professional help. Wtf. I don't know why I can't make myself do the boring, anxiety-inducing, mundane work I need to. I want to help people. Others find a way to do it while dealing with their anxiety (and some don't). Anyway, as I continue to just struggle to survive, I just feel like I want to end everything. Same old recurring nightmare.
  10. Life is seldom a Tidy Affair is a great adage to remember and live by. It brings to mind three somewhat similar things for me. One is Shakespeare's "There is more in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, my dear Horatio." The second is the poem, Delight in Disorder, which I love as poem and an aspiration, but have trouble embracing it practically. And finally, is the magnificent opening to Brennan Manning's book, The Ragamuffin Gospel, which I think just describes the human condition from a mystical spiritual perspective with an explanatory power I've seldom read or heard. I don't think one has to be a Christian of any kind, or that it has to be necessarily be about a religious Jesus at all, to appreciate it in terms of grace and humanity. yes, the UU fellowship has ben extremely welcoming and refreshing. A Word Before The Ragamuffin Gospel was written with a specific reading audience in mind. This book is not for the super-spiritual. It is not for muscular Christians who have made John Wayne, and not Jesus, their hero. It is not for academics who would imprison Jesus in the ivory tower of exegesis. It is not for noisy, feel-good folks who manipulate Christianity into a naked appeal to emotion. It is not for hooded mystics who want magic in their religion. It is not for Alleluia Christians who live only on the mountaintop and have never visited the valley of desolation. It is not for the fearless and tearless. It is not for red-hot zealots who boast with the rich young ruler of the Gospels, “All these commandments I have kept from my youth.” It is not for the complacent who hoist over their shoulders a tote bag of honors, diplomas, and good works, actually believing they have it made. It is not for legalists who would rather surrender control of their souls to rules than run the risk of living in union with Jesus. If anyone is still reading along, The Ragamuffin Gospel was written for the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out. It is for the sorely burdened who are still shifting the heavy suitcase from one hand to the other. It is for the wobbly and weak-kneed who know they don’t have it all together and are too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace. It is for inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker. It is for poor, weak, sinful men and women with hereditary faults and limited talents. It is for earthen vessels who shuffle along on feet of clay. It is for the bent and the bruised who feel that their lives are a grave disappointment to God. It is for smart people who know they are stupid and honest disciples who admit they are scalawags. The Ragamuffin Gospel is a book I wrote for myself and anyone who has grown weary and discouraged along the Way. —Brennan Manning
  11. And you are a continual encouragement to me for many reasons, including the way you soldier on in your job and life. Much admiration.
  12. Yah, well said. This was and is still a struggle for me. I want to be able to understand, isolate, and reduce truth to binary, abstract logic so very much. Probably comes from being brought up in fundamentalist (Baptist) mom, dad was an engineer and navy captain, lived in the Midwest, and I ultimately became a lawyer. There is something comforting I suppose about the idea that there is a clear, black and white answer to all things. It seems to correspond to the nature of reality being a seamless web and non-contradiction, even though I know (or suspect) it really doesn't. I suppose by personality and profession, I seek to eradicate ambiguity and vagueness. I labor under the false belief, that if I could just know more (everything let's say), I could solve all my and others' problems, e.g. save myself, create my own redemption and finally not be needy and dependent. Strange.
  13. Universalism and Rediscovering a Hopeful Theological Worldview “I decided to believe in a God that believed in a girl like me.” — Glennon Doyle, The New Yorker That may be a strange quote from which to set out and choose a theological worldview of hope. In truth, I chose universalism as a new form of faith before reading the quote earlier this week. Still, it fits so well. Out of the wreckage and trauma of fundamentalism (evengelical Christian in my case), I needed, and thus decided, to change direction. The old fundamntalist, absolutist beliefs and traditions ceased to be useful if they ever were. Laden with impossible guilt, shame and fear, they along with a perfect mix of depression, became crippling and contributed at times to debilitation. Nihilism, for the longest time, seemed like the only alternative to the closed system of thought of fundamentalism. It certainly wouldn’t ‘feed the bulldog’ so to speak either. I needed something new. Hence through a long and painful journey, I came to universalism. Although I am a member of a Unitarian Universalist (UU) fellowship, which generally and loosely follows most of what I’m espousing here (and allows for many other options as it is values-based rather than beliefs-based), I am using the term “universalism” to mean something more specific to me. I meant that I have chosen, decided, to believe in a god who loves and accepts me absolutely, completely, no matter what. No caveats. And not just me, but this god loves everyone and everything — universally. This god is both a source of energy and, for me, also a person, like a powerful friend, brother, father, mother, in one, as I understand he/she/it on any given day. It loves all people (and all things) unconditionally, even if it also might want to change them to become the best versions of themselves. There is a dialectic inherent in that apparent contradiction, a paradoxical mystery of sorts. But faith–based on its foundations of hope, reason, poetic truth, and choice–is large enough to embrace the improvement impulse while not compromising the absolute, no-matter-what, non-limitation of the unconditional love the emanates from the source energy, god (love). This is hope. This absolute, uncompromising acceptance and beneficence and grace (there really isn’t a perfect equivalent word for love) is nevertheless the definition of both god and love itself. I frame it as an other-oriented, inexhaustible, if necessary, self-sacrificial regard for others that is in no way contingent upon anything else. It is not qualified. It is not conditional in any way upon my actions, failures, flaws, successes or characteristics. It is not even conditional–as Christian fundamentalism posits–upon my belief, repentance, or act of acceptance of some nominally free gift. Nothing. I exist therefore I have love. And this love supersedes and transcends all else. There in lies the hope, so richly, universally, and desperately needed. If love were conditioned on anything, it would cease to be the definition of full love, and god. It cannot be limited or boxed in by theology or dogma. This is not to deny that above I have probably necessarily appealed to certain other first principles in the nature of a dogma. That’s okay – we all have a priori beliefs in our worldviews. These are just better ones for me. This love lives full and free. And because of that, I also continue to do so with renewed hope. Fragile as life might be, this hope in this universal, absolute, unconditional love is the sine qua non of motivation and hope and optimism, and one that I cherish, and seek to ever increasingly explore and apply.
  14. I did a little writing for myself in the past week or so. I THINK we're allowed to post a link here to our own blog, but since I'm not certain and don't want to incur moderation wrath, I'm just going to paste my essay directly. Even the first time I posted this, it flagged it for some reason I can't figure out. Universalism and Rediscovering a Hopeful Theological Worldview “I decided to believe in a God that believed in a girl like me.” — Glennon Doyle, The New Yorker That may be a strange quote from which to set out and choose a theological worldview of hope. In truth, I chose universalism as a new form of faith before reading the quote earlier this week. Still, it fits so well. Out of the wreckage and trauma of fundamentalism (evengelical Christian in my case), I needed, and thus decided, to change direction. The old fundamntalist, absolutist beliefs and traditions ceased to be useful if they ever were. Laden with impossible guilt, shame and fear, they along with a perfect mix of depression, became crippling and contributed at times to debilitation. Nihilism, for the longest time, seemed like the only alternative to the closed system of thought of fundamentalism. It certainly wouldn’t ‘feed the bulldog’ so to speak either. I needed something new. Hence through a long and painful journey, I came to universalism. Although I am a member of a Unitarian Universalist (UU) fellowship, which generally and loosely follows most of what I’m espousing here (and allows for many other options as it is values-based rather than beliefs-based), I am using the term “universalism” to mean something more specific to me. I meant that I have chosen, decided, to believe in a god who loves and accepts me absolutely, completely, no matter what. No caveats. And not just me, but this god loves everyone and everything — universally. This god is both a source of energy and, for me, also a person, like a powerful friend, brother, father, mother, in one, as I understand he/she/it on any given day. It loves all people (and all things) unconditionally, even if it also might want to change them to become the best versions of themselves. There is a dialectic inherent in that apparent contradiction, a paradoxical mystery of sorts. But faith–based on its foundations of hope, reason, poetic truth, and choice–is large enough to embrace the improvement impulse while not compromising the absolute, no-matter-what, non-limitation of the unconditional love the emanates from the source energy, god (love). This is hope. This absolute, uncompromising acceptance and beneficence and grace (there really isn’t a perfect equivalent word for love) is nevertheless the definition of both god and love itself. I frame it as an other-oriented, inexhaustible, if necessary, self-sacrificial regard for others that is in no way contingent upon anything else. It is not qualified. It is not conditional in any way upon my actions, failures, flaws, successes or characteristics. It is not even conditional–as Christian fundamentalism posits–upon my belief, repentance, or act of acceptance of some nominally free gift. Nothing. I exist therefore I have love. And this love supersedes and transcends all else. There in lies the hope, so richly, universally, and desperately needed. If love were conditioned on anything, it would cease to be the definition of full love, and god. It cannot be limited or boxed in by theology or dogma. This is not to deny that above I have probably necessarily appealed to certain other first principles in the nature of a dogma. That’s okay – we all have a priori beliefs in our worldviews. These are just better ones for me. This love lives full and free. And because of that, I also continue to do so with renewed hope. Fragile as life might be, this hope in this universal, absolute, unconditional love is the sine qua non of motivation and hope and optimism, and one that I cherish, and seek to ever increasingly explore and apply.
  15. I did a little writing for myself in the past week or so. I THINK we're allowed to post a link here to our own blog, but since I'm not certain and don't want to incur moderation wrath, I'm just going to paste my essay directly. Universalism and Rediscovering a Hopeful Theological Worldview “I decided to believe in a God that believed in a girl like me.” — Glennon Doyle, The New Yorker That may be a strange quote from which to set out and choose a theological worldview of hope. In truth, I chose universalism as a new form of faith before reading the quote earlier this week. Still, it fits so well. Out of the wreckage and trauma of fundamentalism (evengelical Christian in my case), I needed, and thus decided, to change direction. The old fundamntalist, absolutist beliefs and traditions ceased to be useful if they ever were. Laden with impossible guilt, shame and fear, they along with a perfect mix of depression, became crippling and contributed at times to debilitation. Nihilism, for the longest time, seemed like the only alternative to the closed system of thought of fundamentalism. It certainly wouldn’t ‘feed the bulldog’ so to speak either. I needed something new. Hence through a long and painful journey, I came to universalism. Although I am a member of a Unitarian Universalist (UU) fellowship, which generally and loosely follows most of what I’m espousing here (and allows for many other options as it is values-based rather than beliefs-based), I am using the term “universalism” to mean something more specific to me. I meant that I have chosen, decided, to believe in a god who loves and accepts me absolutely, completely, no matter what. No caveats. And not just me, but this god loves everyone and everything — universally. This god is both a source of energy and, for me, also a person, like a powerful friend, brother, father, mother, in one, as I understand he/she/it on any given day. It loves all people (and all things) unconditionally, even if it also might want to change them to become the best versions of themselves. There is a dialectic inherent in that apparent contradiction, a paradoxical mystery of sorts. But faith–based on its foundations of hope, reason, poetic truth, and choice–is large enough to embrace the improvement impulse while not compromising the absolute, no-matter-what, non-limitation of the unconditional love the emanates from the source energy, god (love). This is hope. This absolute, uncompromising acceptance and beneficence and grace (there really isn’t a perfect equivalent word for love) is nevertheless the definition of both god and love itself. I frame it as an other-oriented, inexhaustible, if necessary, self-sacrificial regard for others that is in no way contingent upon anything else. It is not qualified. It is not conditional in any way upon my actions, failures, flaws, successes or characteristics. It is not even conditional–as Christian fundamentalism posits–upon my belief, repentance, or act of acceptance of some nominally free gift. Nothing. I exist therefore I have love. And this love supersedes and transcends all else. There in lies the hope, so richly, universally, and desperately needed. If love were conditioned on anything, it would cease to be the definition of full love, and god. It cannot be limited or boxed in by theology or dogma. This is not to deny that above I have probably necessarily appealed to certain other first principles in the nature of a dogma. That’s okay – we all have a priori beliefs in our worldviews. These are just better ones for me. This love lives full and free. And because of that, I also continue to do so with renewed hope. Fragile as life might be, this hope in this universal, absolute, unconditional love is the sine qua non of motivation and hope and optimism, and one that I cherish, and seek to ever increasingly explore and apply.
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