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Shattered Soldier

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  1. Hope, I've experienced this dreadful feeling many times before. Unfortunately the only thing that helped me out of it were psychiatric medications. May I be so bold as to ask which psychiatric medication you have taken before? It sounds like an all too common side effect of an SSRI such as Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, Lexapro, or Celexa, to name a few of the more common ones off of the top of my head. Since you appear to have reactions similar to bipolar mania when taking these medications, I understand your fear of taking them ever again. Let's begin with the biggest concern that you are facing: the beief that your condition will worsen the longer you stay in this state. If it is a hormonal problem, it can easily be corrected on it's own and your body is already in the process of balancing out your hormone levels. Have you considered seeing a doctor, telling him or her your situation, including taking the morning after pill, and getting some blood work done in order to have your hormone levels checked? Keep in mind that there are medicinal and over the counter options that increase the levels of estrogen in the body. Your doctor may advise you to go the natural way, or begin a regimen of hormone replacement therapy. Until then, please try to stay hopeful that the state you are in is not doing any permanent or irreparable damage to you at this time. It's just that your body chemistry may be off and that you are feeling the extremely unpleasant effects of this problem. I've been in this state many times and it most certainly tricks you into the thought pattern of hopelessness. Please do not believe these thoughts. There is hope, and there is a way back home to your normal self. It is a horrifying feeling that makes you feel like a you are trapped in your own mind and have no means of escape. I can fully identify with these dark times as I've traveled the plains of the abyss quite often. I'm in a near state of numbness right now and trying to keep my head above water. I have numerous problems in my life that are very serious, and just suffered a very traumatic break up with my fiance. Nothing seems to make me happy any more and I do feel that life is hopeless. Fortunately I've been here enough time to know that this is just a passing feeling, although there have been times where it has taken me over a year to get out of it. Just hold on, try your best to function, and make it a goal to make an appointement with your doctor in order to expore your options. Wanting but not wanting to die is a common symptom of severe depression no matter what the cause. Please try your best to stay away from these types of thoughts as much as possible. You are at the point where you certainly need medical intervention, so, to repeat myself, make it your goal for today to make an appointment with your primary care physician in order to discuss your options. I hope this helps a bit. I will follow this thread in order to field any questions or concerns you may have. It is like having a nightmare that you can not wake up from. Try your best to be optimistic that things will get better. I am in so much emotional pain right now that I wish I could not feel anything, so I might not be giving you the most clear headed response at this time, but I do hope my words lessen your distress over your current situation just a little bit. You can also PM me if you'd like to chat in private about this matter.
  2. Well I dreamed I saw the silver space ships fly in the yellow haze of the sun There were children crying, and colors flying All around the chosen ones All in a dream, all in a dream the loading had begun We were flying mother nature's silver seed to a new home in the sun Neil Young - After the Goldrush
  3. Welcome to DP! You've found a great place to share your experiences in a free, non-judgemental manner. Reading through many posts, I have found that problems frequently show up in university students. That is when my problem with depression came to be. How are you being accepted by your fellow students? I felt like I didn't quite fit in and was judged for it. I lost my motivation and failed or dropped several classes because of this. Higher education can cause a lot of stress. Your jaw clenching is indicitative of high levels of stress. I used to clench my jaw all of the time until I got myself in order. Your not enjoying anything in life is referred to as adhedonia in the diagnostic community. I still have some degree of adhedonia but try to get past it through visualizations and other methods. I understand your reservations about medicine for your depression. What drugs have you tried and what did they do? I can relate with what you are going through. I've found that the best remedy for mild depression is in helping others. My advice to you would be to respond to some distress posts and try to help a fellow member of the community through what they are going through. Share your knowledge, experience, and empathy. Having a purpose is something that we all need. Without it, we feel stuck and get mildly depressed. This forum has been therapeutic for me as I feel that my words can make the smallest difference in the life of another. I feel very purposeful when I post here. This forum may be all the help you need to dig yourself out of this hole. Keep posting! Mike
  4. You appear to have such a large sense if self awareness that it has turned into self consciousness and has hindered you. Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn the skills to function in the complicated world of college social life. You display incredible self awareness by admitting that you are a compulsive liar. Many people with this problem do not have the mental capacity to admit it. Be proud of yourself and how well you know yourself. Embrace your differences, your challenges, and your limitations. Put down the bat and stop beating yourself up. Be good to yourself. Medication may help to soothe the problem but it will not solve it. I have spent the majority of my life being socially awkward and failed miserably at college because of it. It wasn't until later in life that I gave it another shot and became a registered nurse. You sound like a bright and interesting person. Keep posting and try to help others and feel free to PM me if you need extra support.
  5. Do yourself a big favor and keep your distance at all costs. You don't need a harassment and stalking charge against you on top of a restraining order. This woman appears to be dangerous and unpredictable. With her threatening your freedom and criminal record (the "victim" always wins unless you buy a good lawyer) she has betrayed you. From what you describe it does not seem to me that you are deliberately trying to annoy her or cause her stress, but on paper, she could probably make it look much different. You can not help this person and should sever yourself from her immediately. I know that you are going through the pain of missing her, but it is not worth the consequences to contact her again so please resist the urge. Until then, stay active, post here and help others, and take care of yourself. Throw away your keepsakes of her, if you can, and try to delete her from your life. She may have made a hollow threat, but do you really wasnt to take that chance? You are on the edge of trouble my friend. PM me if you need extra support as I have been involved in similar situations.
  6. I am a prisoner who choses his captor, and every day I stay, it gets harder to run away.

  7. The whole med-go-round can be quite frustrating. I've also lived on that cloud of emotionlessness, along with the sexual side effects, and a prior attempted suicide. It took me a long time to find the right combination of medications, not just one med but a combo, that actually worked for me. It's a long, frustrating process that can beat you down if you let it. Finding that med after med doesn't work or does something to you that you don't want it to. I sincerely hope you continue your journey through the doctor's visits, the times when you have to come back and say, "no, it didn't work", and finally stumble upon a regimen that works well for you. It's so hard to drown in sorrow yet so easy to stay there. It takes patience and vigilence for some of us to finally get off of that terrible cloud and start living happy, normal lives again. It took me a few years to get back on my feet after my atttempted suicide. It was expensive, frustrating, and carried with it such a sense of impending doom for my entire existence as a person that I'm surprised to look at myself now and see that I'm no longer cursed (as bad). I hope the same happens for you. Please don't give up.
  8. Whoever told you that these are not symptoms of bipolar disorder are wrong and grossly uneducated. Flight of ideas is a hallmark symptom of a manic episode. The mind moves so fast between ideas that it seems as if you're changing your mind constantly and never seeing your tasks come to completion. So how do you know when it's just a symptom of bipolar and when it's just who you are? Well, that's a really tough question. I've always found that when I feel totally comfortable with myself and what I'm doing, that is my baseline and who I am. When I am having wild thoughts or going into fits of rage, or, on the other hand just laying around on the couch all day, then that is my bipolar disorder acting up. Blaming ourselves for behavior such as this makes us not just have bipolar but become defined by the illness. My motto has always been that I "have" bipolar disorder, but I "am not" bipolar. It takes a while in the early stages of the illness to figure out just who you really are as a person and distinguishing it from what the illness is making you do. While we must always take accountability for our actions, even if they are bipolar related, there is still the opportunity waiting within the illness to find yourself in a way that one who does not have the disorder never could. One final tip, I don't examine or judge myself too hard, I'll just end up getting frustrated and driving myself nuts with wild theories. I concentrate on living the best life I possibly can and accomplishing my life's goals when opportunity presents itself.
  9. Hello, I am sorry to bring an old post back. I was curious how are you doing? Are you still on MAOI? That is my next step. I have tried everything else (in the last 4-5 years) I was doing alright on 60mg of Parnate a day for a while. I was having some problems and my pdoc was pushing for a dose increase but the stuff was so expensive without insurance that I just couldn't afford to buy more than I was already prescribed. Then, he retired at the beginning of January. I was given about a month's notice but procrastinated on finding a new doctor as I really didn't want to get yet another pdoc. Out of all of the ones I've had in the 18 years I've been battling depression he happened to be my second favorite and I trusted him more than anyone. So while I procrastinated, I ran out of Parnate and stayed off of it for about a month and was doing just fine. I got a family doctor to prescribe me some but refused to take it as I was doing quite well and was finally enjoying all of the foods on the restricted list. I finally see a new pdoc and she advises me to continue with my current medications which consist of lithium, propranolol, Abilify, and diazepam. A few weeks after that visit my mood drops out again. I'm experiencing hypersomnia, disinterest, slowed thinking, and extremely bad pessimism. So I tell her about it on my next visit and she says that if the symptoms persist I can either call her in a few weeks or begin my Parnate regimen again. Well, the two week mark is on Wednesday and it really looks like I'll be asking her if I should begin my Parnate regimen again. Looks like I'll be back on the food restrictions again and praying that a drug is going to be able to help dig me out of this hole that I'm in :verysad3: . Are the food restrictions that bad? My doctor has held off on the MAOI's because of the food restrictions. No, the food restrictions really aren't that bad, it's not like you can't eat ANYTHING! You really just have to watch out for the aged cheeses like cheddar and the cured, aged, or smoked meats. Those are the no brainers of the diet. There are a few foods on the list that are a bit tricky, and I do find myself looking things up on my phone when I'm out to eat quite often, or asking the waiter, "do you put Parmesan Cheese in this?" But once you get the hang of it, the diet is extremely easy for anyone to follow. I really don't think it's fair that a doctor would not prescribe such an extremely effective medication just because she lacks the faith that her patient can follow a set of simple instructions. Yes, the consequences of not following the directions are unpleasant and in some cases potentially fatal, but any mature, responsible adult who passed the sixth grade can incorporate the MAOI diet into his or her lifestyle. As a side note, the food restrictions aren't exactly torture either, it's just like being on any other diet....except you really can't cheat!
  10. Hello, I am sorry to bring an old post back. I was curious how are you doing? Are you still on MAOI? That is my next step. I have tried everything else (in the last 4-5 years) I was doing alright on 60mg of Parnate a day for a while. I was having some problems and my pdoc was pushing for a dose increase but the stuff was so expensive without insurance that I just couldn't afford to buy more than I was already prescribed. Then, he retired at the beginning of January. I was given about a month's notice but procrastinated on finding a new doctor as I really didn't want to get yet another pdoc. Out of all of the ones I've had in the 18 years I've been battling depression he happened to be my second favorite and I trusted him more than anyone. So while I procrastinated, I ran out of Parnate and stayed off of it for about a month and was doing just fine. I got a family doctor to prescribe me some but refused to take it as I was doing quite well and was finally enjoying all of the foods on the restricted list. I finally see a new pdoc and she advises me to continue with my current medications which consist of lithium, propranolol, Abilify, and diazepam. A few weeks after that visit my mood drops out again. I'm experiencing hypersomnia, disinterest, slowed thinking, and extremely bad pessimism. So I tell her about it on my next visit and she says that if the symptoms persist I can either call her in a few weeks or begin my Parnate regimen again. Well, the two week mark is on Wednesday and it really looks like I'll be asking her if I should begin my Parnate regimen again. Looks like I'll be back on the food restrictions again and praying that a drug is going to be able to help dig me out of this hole that I'm in :verysad3: .
  11. Oh, I see where things got mixed up and I thought you were a girl, sorry about that. Anyway, thank you for replying by answering the questions I posed to you in my reply and not dwelling on the simpler, less thought provoking sections of my post. I am grateful that you put the same time and effort in your response to my efforts to try to comfort you and help you think on a higher level about your situation. The only other thing that I would like to share with you is that I never had to connect with a girl, it always seemed like I was just chosen. Like they saw something in me that was bright, caring, passionate, and evolved. The ones I had deep conversations with always turned out to be friends. Our purpose was to share, teach, and reinforce what we know. The conversations would also be about who we are, what we like, what is inside of us. Like minds are always interested in those like them because the ways and means of the connection are always a mystery. More information equals more comfort, but also more ambition. With our lovers, it is more common that we create a connection. This creation is usually referred to as the spark. It is the shedding of apprehension, discomfort, and fear of rejection that form a small part of the intense emotion. You'll probably have to wait until you're chosen. A lot of us are not allowed to choose. It doesn't hurt to try, but it will probably end in futility as always. By the way, internet dating is not organic in the chemistry sense, in that it contains no carbon molecules. However, it is organic in the hippie sense in that it uses absolutely no pesticides with the exception of the site howapplesandpearsmeet.com.
  12. I am a prisoner who choses his captor, and every day I stay, it gets harder to run away.

  13. I am a prisoner who choses his captor, and every day I stay, it gets harder to run away.

  14. Yeah, as far as replies go, sometimes I can sense that I'm just not the right person for the job but take another chance and jump in anyway. I'll make it short and hopefully I can help. One of my most intelligent pdocs told me that antidepressants can cause initial anxiety and that it takes some time for the body to tolerate the effect. He said it took around 1-2 weeks. This is a good sign though because the Prozac is showing signs that it will probably work. Whether it works the way you want it to remains to be seen. Of course, my doctor threw more Klonopin at the anxiety problem which I was more than willing to take. In the end, the drug never really kicked in the way it should have and I had to toss it. Good luck in waiting out the Prozac anxiety. I hope it makes your suffering worth the benefits it may bring.
  15. I feel for you, I've been alone for four years. I've had few few brief relationships since then, but the love of my life, who left me in 2008 has moved on. She's gotten married, has two kids, and probably never thinks about me at all. Sometimes I feel as though I didn't work on myself enough in order to keep her. My stronger feelings suggest that I just didn't fit the mold she created to fit her perfect partner. I was everything she wanted in a lover, but I fell short of her requirements as a lifetime partner. So I'm alone just like you. I also understand that God can not fill this void in my life, I feel our most powerful experience of God's grace is being in love. So, enough about me. I am curious to know, what are the reasons why you feel that you've been forced to be alone for so long? There is a reason for everything, and reasons take a variety of forms. Is there something to blame? Does it serve a purpose? Is it, as you stated, merely favoritism? Or, to cite another statement, do you feel inferior to others who have received this precious gift? Or does your longing for love only exist to needlessly torture you? You mention wanting romance, affection, closeness, and happiness. You say you desire the simple rewards of returning home to your partner and having the opportunity to display your affection for him. You base your existence on these desires. Do you really believe that the purpose of your creation is to fulfill your wants and perceived needs? Don't worry, I don't believe it, we all use all bit of creative license in our posts to get our point across. But you really need to find a way to get yourself out of this mindset. You say you want the longing to stop, then find yourself, find your purpose. Take one of your interests and expand it. Find your inspiration the love you ache for. I used to play guitar every day and every night as my future love listened on in my mind. I used to draw pictures and think of how impressed she would be. I looked everywhere to find a purpose in life with her as my inspiration. Eventually I perfected a skill that fulfilled me, and was inspired by the less fortunate. I worked with the developmentally disabled and I was a natural at it. A wonderful, kind hearted woman noticed my compassion and dedication. We fell in love. I never expected anything in return from my work but a paycheck. Years later, the future love of my life saw the same qualities in me. What I've always referred to as my selfless calling brought with it unexpected rewards. You need to figure out what you can do that makes you stand out from everyone else. Try to hear God calling you. Be spiritual if you can, study spirituality, google it. see what it's like. Spirituality teaches you how to fall in love with God. Focus on opportunities to perform selfless acts. I know it's not fair. All of those lovers you're so jealous of probably never had to do this. But after suffering with the plague of loneliness, the more fortunate realize that it's time to work on ourselves. Let me finish with this. Are you ready for arguments? Are you ready to compromise? Are you prepared to be ignored from time to time? Are you prepared to experience the coldness of pining over how things used to be? Are you ready to be jealous? Are you ready to hurt? I've been working on handling these aspects of a relationship. When I do finally find somebody, I made a promise to myself to find a therapist because I can't handle the challenging aspects of a relationship on my own. I wish you the best of luck in obtaining what you desire, please don't take my post as antagonistic or self-righteous. I truly want you to feel better.
  16. While the side effects of the Prozac can take effect as soon as you begin taking the medication, you have to remember that the medication doesn't actually begin to display it's therapeutic effects for 4-6 weeks. That's the one thing that always frustrated me about antidepressants. I would often experience a month of hope before being let down by the inefficiency of the medication. Four weeks of low dose Klonopin will not cause withdrawal. You weren't able to tolerate the drug, so you did a quick taper. If the Klonopin took care of your anxiety, and when you went off of it your anxiety was worse than before, then the correct term for the discontinuation syndrome is "rebound anxiety". You and your new doctor are developing a relationship. Just like in every other relationship, trust is earned. In general, I've trusted my doctors. I've said "no" to them a thousand times, but I just like to challenge them to find a better alternative. The pills don't seem to be treating you so well thus far. Either they are the wrong meds for you.or need more time to work. You came here with the intention of people relating to your physical symptoms and experiences. I used to take Klonopin at 0.5mg 3 times a day. I would take one in the morning and on my drive to work my head would feel cloudy and my anxiety would remain the same. The cloudiness made it harder to deal with my anxiety. It dampened my coping skills. You mentioned that you are worried as to why none of the drugs you were prescribed don't seem to work. Well, first of all, you are in the beginning of the game. If you want to embark on the journey to find the best medication for you then you have to be patient. It's a long, frustrating process. If you start looking for the right SSRI, as I've said before, you have to endure that waiting period. I've had two drugs work for me over the course of 16 years only to stop working. I went a good six years after the last success to find something that had ANY effect. Like you, I thought there was something wrong with me, but I thought I was so defective that two years ago I tried to take my own life. After I survived, all I could think of was trying again. I found a better psychiatrist but we had a hard time finding something that worked. My thoughts of self harm continued. After we had exhausted all methods of conventional medicine, I was placed on Parnate, an MAOI. It wis one of the original antidepressants. Many doctors refuse to prescribe it due to it's potential to be deadly when combined with certain foods and medications. However, it has a higher success rate than any other drug. It worked well for me and all thoughts of self harm vanished. My point is not to tout the benefits of MAOI's, it's to give an example of just how long it can take for somebody to find the right drug. I don't know what those other pills did to my brain chemistry. Just because they didn't work doesn't mean that they didn't shuffle things around in my brain. For me, life without was terrible from the beginning. There was no way anything else could help me. I was forced to take this road. I threw a lot of pills at this problem and some of them hurt my life, my career, and my relationships. There is definitely a risk in navigating this trail, especially if you're not used to hiking, and even worse if you don't have the right guide.
  17. I never make statements like this on this forum, but after reading your post, I just can't hold myself back. YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE DOCTOR, get a new one fast. There is are three simple reasons that you don't prescribe 3 drugs at the same time. First, you don't know which one is working. Second, you don't know which one is causing side effects. Third, your goal is to acheive the desired therapeutic effect with the least amount of medication possible. Now for the Seroquel. The titration was too fast for your situation, now if you were psychotic, it might be appropriate. Seroquel is a heavy hitter. People need time to adjust to the drowsiness. 50mg a day can be very effective for some people, your doctor never waited to observe your response. My Seroquel was increased monthly until I felt better. Now the hydroxyzine was a huge mistake, it's another drug that causes drowsiness. The chances of a synergistic od additive effect with the Seroquel is pretty much a sure thing. This means you'll get drowsiness multiplied by drowsiness and it will probably last longer and feel like major depression. Another nistake: Seroquel is used as an add on to antidepressants like Prozac. This means that if you are on Prozac for 3-6 months and it is working, but not well enough, your doctor can add Seroquel to see if it can boost the effects of Prozac. Any of the three drugs can be used to treat anxiety, but prescribing them all at once is just flat out reckless.
  18. Although this post doesn't contain your average Water Cooler subject matter, it doesn't fit comfortably into any other topic I could find. I saw your message show up on the board, your urgent cry for help, your desperate need for guidance, your desire to finally be heard. Your words screamed at me, "you can relate to this, you can make a difference, you'd better read her post no matter how long it is." I clicked on the subject line and proceeded to enter the tortured life of yet another lost soul. As I began to read, I could feel her pain, the type of pain that I've felt so many times before. I dove in further and experienced the darkness that only loneliness could bring. I felt the horrifying torment of feeling trapped with no hope of escape. After the first paragraph I decided that I could relate to her problems because they were so similar to my own, in the past or present. I allowed myself to read on because I was confident that I could provide her with a comprehensive reply. One based on our similar experiences, ways that I was able to make it through such dark times, and other options that may help lead her back into the light. I read the rest of her story and began to channel my deepest thoughts. I put all of my effort into my reply. I thought around every corner and tried to convey my thoughts in a way that she could easily understand. I wrote until I had exhausted myself without being overly wordy, or coming off as a preacher. My goal wasn't to turn her life around, or even influence her on her path towards relief. I just wanted to show her that somebody out there cared enough about her to make a solid effort to give her a message that came straight from the heart. Soon there were about four or five posts after mine providing encouragement and advice. I would look at the thread from time to time. Beneath her avatar remained her seemingly permanent statistic: 1 post. I'll never know if she ever came back to DF to read our heartfelt messages. The part of me that attempts to discern the motives of others tells me that she probably just came here to vent. My optimistic side allows me to ponder if she benefited more from venting, in a place where she knew she would be heard, was the only help her heart desired. My bitter side tries to convince me that I wasted all of that time, all of that brain-power on someone who never cared enough to see the effort that I put into my show of support. My Zen side says, "You wrote it, you read it, so it was meant for you, now let go."
  19. It looks as if you have a lot of internal and external problems to overcome or learn how to cope with. You're in a very bad state of mind. You're suffering, you're worrying, you're comparing yourself to others, you're putting yourself down, you're stressed out, and worst of all, you are unable to feel any pleasure in your life. It's a terrible situation to be in that many of us here have found ourselves in. There are various ways that each of us have pulled ourselves out of that hole. Some through medication, others through therapy, and some were just lucky enough to find the key on their own. You have a lot of things going on in your life right now that are pushing you down even further. I would say that the number one problem you face is your parents. I know you may see them as a cause of your depression, or at least something that is fueling it and keeping you down. However, I truly believe that you can't take care of these external problems in your life until you begin to mend what is going on inside of you. Nothing will make you happy until you take this step. Not a new job, not finding the profession you would like to study for, not finding more friends, or even winning the lottery. If you can't afford to see a doctor, buy medications, or go to therapy then you need to learn how to cope with what is going on in your life. Do some research on the web. Look up "coping skills". See what ones you believe will work for you, heck, just pick one that might work. There is no problem so big that we can not find a healthy way to deal with it. Once we learn to control the effect our problems have on us is when we find freedom. My coping skill is that there is a reason that I am going through all of this, that it serves a higher purpose. That I am learning so that I can help others. That I am suffering to strengthen my empathy. What I am going through is not worthless. It doesn't take the pain away but it helps me deal with life. Finally, post on the forums! Reply to topics that you can identify with. Try to help other people. You have enough experience to really make a difference in somebody else's life. You'd be surprised at the effect it can have on you.
  20. I've never experienced anxiety when I am tired, but I'd like to propose a theory as to why it could happen. While you are awake and alert your defenses are up and your coping skills are better utilized. When you're tired it seems to weaken the walls you've built and lessens your ability to utilize them. It could also be that you're afraid to fall asleep because of dreams, loss of control, having to wake up to this awful world again. This was all just a shot in the dark. It could more likely be an uncommon biological occurrence that would take some time and research to figure out. I frequently work night shifts. I start to get tired around 3 or 4 in the morning and the feeling does make me anxious. I feel the worst of it when I'm starting to doze off and can no longer fight it. Being awoken by a co-worker sends my heart through the roof. None of this probably pertains to you but maybe it can give you some clues towards solving your dilemma.
  21. Technically, you haven't ever taken an anti-anxiety medication. Paxil, Celexa, and Prozac can help with anxiety but are anti-depressants, keep in mind I don't know if you were taking them for anxiety or just depression. Trazadone is also an anti-depressant with sedative properties. I've seen it prescribed for sleep quite frequently. I often wondered what kind of mood elevating effect it would have if it were prescribed in a therapeutic dose for depression. The true anti-anxiety meds (the benzodiazipines) are viewed as infamous villains or potentially dangerous substances by many who are involved in the mental health community, including DF. They are commonly seen as something that should be utilized as a last resort. What I find disturbing/amusing is that, in my experience, most psychiatrists will prescribe them without hesitation. The most commonly prescribed ones are clonozepam(Knlonpin), diazepam(Valium), alprazolam(Xanax), and lorazepam(Ativan). These drugs are very addictive and withdrawing from them is a nightmare, and I know from experience that it takes a long time for the torture to end. It took me about 4 months for my anxiety to return to an acceptable level. When I first saw your post, I thought you would be asking everyone what they thought the best benzo was. My answer would be: Xanax doesn't last long enough, Klonopin makes my brain fog up while remaining anxious, Ativan is like the president's plan to revive the economy....it just doesn't work. Valium has a nice, calming effect for me. My shoulders and neck get tight when I get anxious, it helps that Valium is also a muscle relaxant. It has a long half life, so I take it once a day and I'm good. I hope you won't need to resort to taking this class of drugs and that you are able to fix your current problem with non-narcotic medications.
  22. First of all, you stated that it was the end of your time with your most effective therapist. Was this due to insurance changes? Or did it have to do with her decision to tell you that you were finished, that there was nothing more that she could teach you. I know that teaching is an integral part of therapy, but it isn't everything! It is about building a trusting relationship with somebody who can view your life objectively from the outside. It is about venting problems and finding solutions on how to cope with them. It is having somebody to talk to who isn't a participant in your everyday life. What your therapist pushed upon you was wrong. She helped you develop a sense of well-being, but what she forgot was that well-being is not permanent, it is something that needs regular maintenance. You lost that support when she pushed you out the door and you subsequently fell apart. Therapy seems to be the core of your ability to lead a happy life. No medication will replace that for you. You need to talk to somebody who you trust, and you need somebody who fits the criteria of having the potential to help you get a grip on your life. I don't know what you can do outside of therapy that will be able to fill the void of something that you so desperately need. Group therapy is ok if you have the need to relate to others who share problems similar to yours, but with all of the dominators who take up most of the sessions, and the councilors who don't know how to stop them, you probably won't be able to express yourself as much as you need to. My advice is to try to go back to your former therapist if that is possible. If it isn't then you need to shop around for one who will meet your needs, and try to see them more often if your insurance allows you to.
  23. Just because you are not doing any activities that are worthy of posting on Facebook doesn't make you a boring person. You just live a quiet and uneventful life. Maybe your life feels boring to you, it feels boring for a lot of us, but that doesn't mean that we aren't interesting people with many interests, philosophies, interesting perspectives, senses of humor, unique personalities, and a certain degree of charisma. I don't believe in boring in the context of what you are doing with your everyday life. I believe the criteria of being boring relates to how you interact with others. There are people who do a lot of interesting things in their spare time, but when they talk or brag about their adventures it can become a rather tedious conversation in a hurry, they bore you to no end. There are also those long winded conversations with people where you can't get a single word in, there is no interaction, it's so boring you're looking for an excuse to walk away. There are others who are adept at catering to the listener. They talk about common interests, ask a lot of questions, and tell brief stories and some of them are entertaining and funny. They foster social interaction as opposed to dominating the conversation. It's fun to talk to them because you get to trade stories, debate beliefs, discover what you have in common with them, etc. As for countering this irrational belief, focus on how you present yourself to others. Try to find things about yourself that are interesting. Think about a quality you possess that makes you different from everybody else. And finally, stop comparing yourself to others. I know that last part is hard for this reason: we are mentally ill. We feel the need to continuously observe our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors for any signs of trouble. Many of us use "normal people" as a reference to how well we are doing. We frequently find that we fall short when using them as a basis for comparison. We have been programmed by this illness to constantly examine ourselves, it's a terrible habit, most of us are mired in it, and it only makes things worse. So please stop comparing yourself to your Facebook friends. When I'm on Facebook I spend most of my time commenting on people's posts and pictures. I don't care about the great time they're having that I'm missing out on, I see it as something that me and the other person can talk about when I see them again, just as long as they're not the type of person who drones on and on and on.
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