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Shattered Soldier

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About Shattered Soldier

  • Birthday 05/13/1976

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    South Jersey
  • Interests
    I'm interested in spirituality, Eastern Religions, Tarot, Astrology, Rock and Gemlore, Thrash/Death metal, personality disorders and mental illness, medications, Phillies' Baseball, stone carving, rune casting, aromatherapy, and playing the guitar.

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  1. Hope, I've experienced this dreadful feeling many times before. Unfortunately the only thing that helped me out of it were psychiatric medications. May I be so bold as to ask which psychiatric medication you have taken before? It sounds like an all too common side effect of an SSRI such as Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, Lexapro, or Celexa, to name a few of the more common ones off of the top of my head. Since you appear to have reactions similar to bipolar mania when taking these medications, I understand your fear of taking them ever again. Let's begin with the biggest concern that you are facing: the beief that your condition will worsen the longer you stay in this state. If it is a hormonal problem, it can easily be corrected on it's own and your body is already in the process of balancing out your hormone levels. Have you considered seeing a doctor, telling him or her your situation, including taking the morning after pill, and getting some blood work done in order to have your hormone levels checked? Keep in mind that there are medicinal and over the counter options that increase the levels of estrogen in the body. Your doctor may advise you to go the natural way, or begin a regimen of hormone replacement therapy. Until then, please try to stay hopeful that the state you are in is not doing any permanent or irreparable damage to you at this time. It's just that your body chemistry may be off and that you are feeling the extremely unpleasant effects of this problem. I've been in this state many times and it most certainly tricks you into the thought pattern of hopelessness. Please do not believe these thoughts. There is hope, and there is a way back home to your normal self. It is a horrifying feeling that makes you feel like a you are trapped in your own mind and have no means of escape. I can fully identify with these dark times as I've traveled the plains of the abyss quite often. I'm in a near state of numbness right now and trying to keep my head above water. I have numerous problems in my life that are very serious, and just suffered a very traumatic break up with my fiance. Nothing seems to make me happy any more and I do feel that life is hopeless. Fortunately I've been here enough time to know that this is just a passing feeling, although there have been times where it has taken me over a year to get out of it. Just hold on, try your best to function, and make it a goal to make an appointement with your doctor in order to expore your options. Wanting but not wanting to die is a common symptom of severe depression no matter what the cause. Please try your best to stay away from these types of thoughts as much as possible. You are at the point where you certainly need medical intervention, so, to repeat myself, make it your goal for today to make an appointment with your primary care physician in order to discuss your options. I hope this helps a bit. I will follow this thread in order to field any questions or concerns you may have. It is like having a nightmare that you can not wake up from. Try your best to be optimistic that things will get better. I am in so much emotional pain right now that I wish I could not feel anything, so I might not be giving you the most clear headed response at this time, but I do hope my words lessen your distress over your current situation just a little bit. You can also PM me if you'd like to chat in private about this matter.
  2. Well I dreamed I saw the silver space ships fly in the yellow haze of the sun There were children crying, and colors flying All around the chosen ones All in a dream, all in a dream the loading had begun We were flying mother nature's silver seed to a new home in the sun Neil Young - After the Goldrush
  3. Welcome to DP! You've found a great place to share your experiences in a free, non-judgemental manner. Reading through many posts, I have found that problems frequently show up in university students. That is when my problem with depression came to be. How are you being accepted by your fellow students? I felt like I didn't quite fit in and was judged for it. I lost my motivation and failed or dropped several classes because of this. Higher education can cause a lot of stress. Your jaw clenching is indicitative of high levels of stress. I used to clench my jaw all of the time until I got myself in order. Your not enjoying anything in life is referred to as adhedonia in the diagnostic community. I still have some degree of adhedonia but try to get past it through visualizations and other methods. I understand your reservations about medicine for your depression. What drugs have you tried and what did they do? I can relate with what you are going through. I've found that the best remedy for mild depression is in helping others. My advice to you would be to respond to some distress posts and try to help a fellow member of the community through what they are going through. Share your knowledge, experience, and empathy. Having a purpose is something that we all need. Without it, we feel stuck and get mildly depressed. This forum has been therapeutic for me as I feel that my words can make the smallest difference in the life of another. I feel very purposeful when I post here. This forum may be all the help you need to dig yourself out of this hole. Keep posting! Mike
  4. You appear to have such a large sense if self awareness that it has turned into self consciousness and has hindered you. Be patient with yourself. It takes time to learn the skills to function in the complicated world of college social life. You display incredible self awareness by admitting that you are a compulsive liar. Many people with this problem do not have the mental capacity to admit it. Be proud of yourself and how well you know yourself. Embrace your differences, your challenges, and your limitations. Put down the bat and stop beating yourself up. Be good to yourself. Medication may help to soothe the problem but it will not solve it. I have spent the majority of my life being socially awkward and failed miserably at college because of it. It wasn't until later in life that I gave it another shot and became a registered nurse. You sound like a bright and interesting person. Keep posting and try to help others and feel free to PM me if you need extra support.
  5. Do yourself a big favor and keep your distance at all costs. You don't need a harassment and stalking charge against you on top of a restraining order. This woman appears to be dangerous and unpredictable. With her threatening your freedom and criminal record (the "victim" always wins unless you buy a good lawyer) she has betrayed you. From what you describe it does not seem to me that you are deliberately trying to annoy her or cause her stress, but on paper, she could probably make it look much different. You can not help this person and should sever yourself from her immediately. I know that you are going through the pain of missing her, but it is not worth the consequences to contact her again so please resist the urge. Until then, stay active, post here and help others, and take care of yourself. Throw away your keepsakes of her, if you can, and try to delete her from your life. She may have made a hollow threat, but do you really wasnt to take that chance? You are on the edge of trouble my friend. PM me if you need extra support as I have been involved in similar situations.
  6. I am a prisoner who choses his captor, and every day I stay, it gets harder to run away.

  7. The whole med-go-round can be quite frustrating. I've also lived on that cloud of emotionlessness, along with the sexual side effects, and a prior attempted suicide. It took me a long time to find the right combination of medications, not just one med but a combo, that actually worked for me. It's a long, frustrating process that can beat you down if you let it. Finding that med after med doesn't work or does something to you that you don't want it to. I sincerely hope you continue your journey through the doctor's visits, the times when you have to come back and say, "no, it didn't work", and finally stumble upon a regimen that works well for you. It's so hard to drown in sorrow yet so easy to stay there. It takes patience and vigilence for some of us to finally get off of that terrible cloud and start living happy, normal lives again. It took me a few years to get back on my feet after my atttempted suicide. It was expensive, frustrating, and carried with it such a sense of impending doom for my entire existence as a person that I'm surprised to look at myself now and see that I'm no longer cursed (as bad). I hope the same happens for you. Please don't give up.
  8. Whoever told you that these are not symptoms of bipolar disorder are wrong and grossly uneducated. Flight of ideas is a hallmark symptom of a manic episode. The mind moves so fast between ideas that it seems as if you're changing your mind constantly and never seeing your tasks come to completion. So how do you know when it's just a symptom of bipolar and when it's just who you are? Well, that's a really tough question. I've always found that when I feel totally comfortable with myself and what I'm doing, that is my baseline and who I am. When I am having wild thoughts or going into fits of rage, or, on the other hand just laying around on the couch all day, then that is my bipolar disorder acting up. Blaming ourselves for behavior such as this makes us not just have bipolar but become defined by the illness. My motto has always been that I "have" bipolar disorder, but I "am not" bipolar. It takes a while in the early stages of the illness to figure out just who you really are as a person and distinguishing it from what the illness is making you do. While we must always take accountability for our actions, even if they are bipolar related, there is still the opportunity waiting within the illness to find yourself in a way that one who does not have the disorder never could. One final tip, I don't examine or judge myself too hard, I'll just end up getting frustrated and driving myself nuts with wild theories. I concentrate on living the best life I possibly can and accomplishing my life's goals when opportunity presents itself.
  9. Hello, I am sorry to bring an old post back. I was curious how are you doing? Are you still on MAOI? That is my next step. I have tried everything else (in the last 4-5 years) I was doing alright on 60mg of Parnate a day for a while. I was having some problems and my pdoc was pushing for a dose increase but the stuff was so expensive without insurance that I just couldn't afford to buy more than I was already prescribed. Then, he retired at the beginning of January. I was given about a month's notice but procrastinated on finding a new doctor as I really didn't want to get yet another pdoc. Out of all of the ones I've had in the 18 years I've been battling depression he happened to be my second favorite and I trusted him more than anyone. So while I procrastinated, I ran out of Parnate and stayed off of it for about a month and was doing just fine. I got a family doctor to prescribe me some but refused to take it as I was doing quite well and was finally enjoying all of the foods on the restricted list. I finally see a new pdoc and she advises me to continue with my current medications which consist of lithium, propranolol, Abilify, and diazepam. A few weeks after that visit my mood drops out again. I'm experiencing hypersomnia, disinterest, slowed thinking, and extremely bad pessimism. So I tell her about it on my next visit and she says that if the symptoms persist I can either call her in a few weeks or begin my Parnate regimen again. Well, the two week mark is on Wednesday and it really looks like I'll be asking her if I should begin my Parnate regimen again. Looks like I'll be back on the food restrictions again and praying that a drug is going to be able to help dig me out of this hole that I'm in :verysad3: . Are the food restrictions that bad? My doctor has held off on the MAOI's because of the food restrictions. No, the food restrictions really aren't that bad, it's not like you can't eat ANYTHING! You really just have to watch out for the aged cheeses like cheddar and the cured, aged, or smoked meats. Those are the no brainers of the diet. There are a few foods on the list that are a bit tricky, and I do find myself looking things up on my phone when I'm out to eat quite often, or asking the waiter, "do you put Parmesan Cheese in this?" But once you get the hang of it, the diet is extremely easy for anyone to follow. I really don't think it's fair that a doctor would not prescribe such an extremely effective medication just because she lacks the faith that her patient can follow a set of simple instructions. Yes, the consequences of not following the directions are unpleasant and in some cases potentially fatal, but any mature, responsible adult who passed the sixth grade can incorporate the MAOI diet into his or her lifestyle. As a side note, the food restrictions aren't exactly torture either, it's just like being on any other diet....except you really can't cheat!
  10. Hello, I am sorry to bring an old post back. I was curious how are you doing? Are you still on MAOI? That is my next step. I have tried everything else (in the last 4-5 years) I was doing alright on 60mg of Parnate a day for a while. I was having some problems and my pdoc was pushing for a dose increase but the stuff was so expensive without insurance that I just couldn't afford to buy more than I was already prescribed. Then, he retired at the beginning of January. I was given about a month's notice but procrastinated on finding a new doctor as I really didn't want to get yet another pdoc. Out of all of the ones I've had in the 18 years I've been battling depression he happened to be my second favorite and I trusted him more than anyone. So while I procrastinated, I ran out of Parnate and stayed off of it for about a month and was doing just fine. I got a family doctor to prescribe me some but refused to take it as I was doing quite well and was finally enjoying all of the foods on the restricted list. I finally see a new pdoc and she advises me to continue with my current medications which consist of lithium, propranolol, Abilify, and diazepam. A few weeks after that visit my mood drops out again. I'm experiencing hypersomnia, disinterest, slowed thinking, and extremely bad pessimism. So I tell her about it on my next visit and she says that if the symptoms persist I can either call her in a few weeks or begin my Parnate regimen again. Well, the two week mark is on Wednesday and it really looks like I'll be asking her if I should begin my Parnate regimen again. Looks like I'll be back on the food restrictions again and praying that a drug is going to be able to help dig me out of this hole that I'm in :verysad3: .
  11. Oh, I see where things got mixed up and I thought you were a girl, sorry about that. Anyway, thank you for replying by answering the questions I posed to you in my reply and not dwelling on the simpler, less thought provoking sections of my post. I am grateful that you put the same time and effort in your response to my efforts to try to comfort you and help you think on a higher level about your situation. The only other thing that I would like to share with you is that I never had to connect with a girl, it always seemed like I was just chosen. Like they saw something in me that was bright, caring, passionate, and evolved. The ones I had deep conversations with always turned out to be friends. Our purpose was to share, teach, and reinforce what we know. The conversations would also be about who we are, what we like, what is inside of us. Like minds are always interested in those like them because the ways and means of the connection are always a mystery. More information equals more comfort, but also more ambition. With our lovers, it is more common that we create a connection. This creation is usually referred to as the spark. It is the shedding of apprehension, discomfort, and fear of rejection that form a small part of the intense emotion. You'll probably have to wait until you're chosen. A lot of us are not allowed to choose. It doesn't hurt to try, but it will probably end in futility as always. By the way, internet dating is not organic in the chemistry sense, in that it contains no carbon molecules. However, it is organic in the hippie sense in that it uses absolutely no pesticides with the exception of the site howapplesandpearsmeet.com.
  12. I am a prisoner who choses his captor, and every day I stay, it gets harder to run away.

  13. I am a prisoner who choses his captor, and every day I stay, it gets harder to run away.

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