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About pinkdynamite

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  1. (((((Kaniro))))) Thanks! I love your profile pic. What's it from?
  2. That's strange because I do the exact opposite thing! I'm learning Norwegian, and after every sentence I say I have to stop and say it to myself in Norwegian as well. Well, the words that I know anyway. I'm sure it makes me space out and look like I'm not paying attention but I just can't stop myself.
  3. I can relate to so many of these! - I hate wearing socks. Always have. They're the first things to come off as soon as I come in the door. Slippers, however, are ok. - I am terrified of having people sneak up on me. So much so that I always try to sit with my back against a wall in a public place. - I am beyond friendly and social at work, although I am a complete introvert IRL. - I am also extremely take charge and assertive at work but completely passive at home. - I am terrified when people ask me to make decisions. I get completely panicked and often start crying. - I am obsessively organized at work, yet at home I'm a borderline hoarder. - I have an irrational love of oddly-shaped stuffed animals. For example, I have a round stuffed moose and a square stuffed cow that I must sleep with. I even take them to my parents' house when I go for a visit. - I do not like to make meals for myself, therefore I do not cook. Instead I snack all day. - I love to bake, but I will not eat it. Instead I prefer to give my baking to other people. I know there are more, but this is all I can think of for now.
  4. I think this is a great challenge! If only I was able to get off my butt and do something worth sharing...
  5. I joined a depression support group earlier in the year, and hearing other people's stories and words of advice are really helpful. One thing that especially sticks with me is that during one session after I had finished talking, one of the members looked at me and told me how impressed he was with how I was able to carry on my day to day life despite my depression. This was one of the best things I could have ever heard at a time when I was so upset about how I felt I was not functioning well and was losing hope in myself.
  6. Thank you so much GSpolar and Epictetus for your kind words. I appreciated both of your messages and in fact they moved me to tears. I appreciate hearing that others are able to retain their faith despite what they are going through, and it gives me hope that the same may be true for me. I will hope and pray for you both, and perhaps one day, with the help of God, we will be able to overcome this beast known as depression. God bless.
  7. Thank you so much for your kind words. I just feel like I've "failed" somehow because I'm not in the same place in life as the rest of my peers. I hate societal expectations!
  8. I feel like self-hatred almost goes hand in hand with depression. I know for myself, I blame myself for being depressed. Then I blame it on all the failures I've had in my life. Then I blame the depression. Then I blame myself. And the circle continues. One thing I've found to be helpful is writing my negative thoughts down on the mirror. Then I go away and come back after I'm feeling "better" and clean the mirror. It's almost like I'm washing away the negative thoughts. Weird I know, but it works for me.
  9. At the age of 29 I have had only two serious relationships. The first lasted almost three years and ended when I was 20 due to my uncontrolled (and undiagnosed) depression. It started out wonderful, but by the end I was a complete wreck. Deeply depressed, paranoid about being cheated on, extreme mood swings, and completely dependent on my partner for my happiness. When he finally broke up with me, he said that he still loved me but love "just wasn't enough." We had planned to get married after college and even discussed having kids. Needless to say the breakup almost destroyed me. Years later, at the age of 26, I fell in love with my best friend and we started dating. Now, almost three years later again, our relationship has ended. Once again, before the end of the relationship, I was deeply depressed and completely dependent on my partner for my happiness. Again, we had planned to get married after he finished college (he went back as a mature student), although he did not want to have kids. Technically we are still "together," although not dating, and consider ourselves "just friends." Again, I feel completely destroyed. Am I destined to be alone forever? What is it about me that's so undateable? Is it just my depression, or is it me as a person? With both my relationships I noticed myself pulling back and withdrawing long before it ended, feeling insecure with myself and unworthy of love. I've also always developed a complete loss of libido during the relationship, seeing it as an obligation rather than something desirable. Is this too a symptom of depression, or is it just me? Maybe I'm just not meant to have relationships. Recently I can't stop thinking about my first ex and how unfair it is that he has been with his current gf for almost five years and how he gets to be happy while I'm stuck stagnant and being miserable. At the back of my mind I've always wanted kids, which is why I think I began withdrawing from my most recent relationship. I've considered adopting or using a sperm donor, but at the same time I don't want having kids to be what I rely on the "save" me. I also don't think it would be fair to have kids due to my depression. It's bad enough for me, but I don't want to have to have my kids suffer too. I feel like I'm completely unworthy of being with anyone, although I want someone to swoop in and "rescue" me from my misery. I don't know what I'm expecting to come of this post. I know what I feel is completely irrational, I just needed to vent I guess. Thanks for listening. ~Song credit for topic title to 3Oh!3 for their song "Double Vision." There, don't sue me.~
  10. I was diagnosed with dysthymia at age 20, although I'm sure I've been depressed since elementary school. I was raised Christian and still believe in God, and although religion has never been a primary focus for me, I did have a spiritual experience a few years ago that reaffirmed my faith. Lately, however, I feel like I'm losing my trust in God. After having tried dozens of meds over the past almost-decade with no positive results, I feel like I am being punished. Why else would I be cursed with never-ending depression? I've atoned for most of my sins from this life, so I don't know what I could possibly be being punished for. I wonder if it's something I did in a past life that's coming back to haunt me and I'm just now paying for it. I feel so lost, and I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to come from this post. Just needing to vent, I guess. Thanks for reading.
  11. Sorry to revive an old topic, but I just wanted to thank everyone so much for their input! I started taking lamotrigine about a month ago, and I'm currently at 150mg, increasing to 200 mg tonight. I will be taking 100mg in the morning and 100mg at night. My diagnosis is dysthymia with recurrent MDD, and so far I've been resistant to all the ADs my pdoc has prescribed. Side effects I've noticed so far with this medication include - constant cold symptoms and stuffy nose (although this could be due to the weather) - waking up after 3-4 hours of sleeping and being wide awake, though needing a nap in the afternoon to continue functioning - absolutely no appetite except for junk food - increasing anxiety - increasing irritability, although this seems to be settling down - being overly emotional and crying frequently It also feels like my depression is worsening, but I think that's because my anxiety is increasing. I do not have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, although I know it frequently goes hand in hand with depression. Positives I've noticed on lamotrigine: - waking up feeling energized - able to accomplish things I want to get done (a big one for me since I haven't been able to do this in years!!!!) - able to laugh - periods of pure joy (short lived, but extremely welcome) I haven't decided yet whether this med will be the right one for me, but I'm remaining optimistic. It's getting hard since I've been switching between different meds for over a year now with no improvement and at times it seems hopeless. Also, I had no idea that this med causes hormonal birth control to be ineffective! I've been on the same OCP for years, and I was wondering why my cramps were increasing and my period was starting to show up a bit later every time. Has anyone else noticed this, and did it go away? Again, thanks so much to everyone who posted before me. This is why I love this forum, everyone has different experiences with the same med and it makes me not feel so isolated. :)
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