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About afraidtolive

  • Birthday 08/16/1987

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  1. Hi all, I've been a part of this forum a long time and tend to find my way back every few years when I hit a rough patch. I'm 32 yo now, married and now 8 weeks pregnant. I miscarried my first pregnancy back in December at 10 weeks, which was traumatic. The reason I'm here now is because I'm feeling a whirlwind of emotions and feelings about this pregnancy. My husband and I have been trying, obviously, so this is not unplanned. However, I felt pressured into it due to my clock ticking and even though I don't feel fully ready for this, we took the plunge anyway because I know that if I don't act I become paralyzed by fear. One of my biggest fears is regretting not having a kid, wondering what it would have been like when I am old and it's too late; so, my motivations for having a kid aren't the best, and maybe even selfish, but as I'm now in the throes of morning sickness and the general discomforts of pregnancy (which I didn't have the first time, probably because there was something wrong with the pregnancy to begin with), my hormones and emotions are all over the place. I find myself second guessing this decision because I fear the future, how our lives will change, and if I can handle being a mom...or if I will be a good mom, if I even WANT to be a mom, or if I will enjoy it or hate it. I've struggled with depression and anxiety all of my life; one of my biggest fears is failing as a parent because of my mental illness. I also have a lot of baggage surrounding my own parents' colossal failures as parents. I've tried counseling a few different times and it's never helped, I always feel like it's a waste of time and money. Medication only numbs my anxiety slightly, it doesn't really help much with the feelings of emptiness and depression. I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to get out of this post, I guess just support that my feelings are normal and I'm not a monster for feeling this way. I've been on the verge of panic attacks all day, but I can't take benzos right now so I am doing my best to stay calm and ride it out. Thanks for listening.
  2. glfinding, I feel overwhelmed a lot too. :( BlueStarr, I think I will try taking the 5-HTP daily for a few weeks and see how it goes. What natural remedies have people on this forum found helpful?
  3. Thank you, glfinding. Can I ask how you have managed to stay med-free for 7 months? That is impressive, and I would like to stay med-free, too. I have been off ADs for about a month now...I have good days and bad days, but overall my mood is much more volatile and I am much more easily irritated. Have you found anything to help with that? Natural remedies, supplements, etc? I have 5-HTP and SamE supplements, but I have not taken them consistently, nor do I know if I should take them together. :/
  4. Hey everyone...I kind of just want to vent and ask for some advice. So, I've tried going off of antidepressants three times in my life since I was first put on them at around age 15 for extreme irritability, mood swings, and depression...Each time was a smack in the face, a stark reminder that yes--my head really is messed up--and yes, I really DO need these pills--regardless of how much I wish I didn't. The first time I tried to go off of them I was still in college, and even though I had weaned off the ADs and had been off for a few months, an acute period of stress threw me into bouts of severe panic attacks (which I'd never had before, even though I do have pretty serious generalized anxiety) that resulted in me needing another prescription...for benzos. At my doctor's urging, I went back on the ADs so I could wean off the benzos. Several years went by and I never felt like the ADs helped with the sad/empty side of depression, but they did control my irritability and returned my anxiety to a manageable level. Last summer, I got it in my head that the ADs weren't helping my sad/empty feelings, so I thought to myself, why even stay on them? Might as well get off of them since they aren't helping. Three months after stopping them, my irritability/moodiness came back with a vengeance, and I even lost control of myself and got into an argument with my boss. Thankfully I was able to change jobs shortly thereafter, but needless to say I was back on the ADs soon after that. Fast forward to a month ago, again I thought the ADs weren't helping. Mainly with the lingering, persistent sad/empty feelings. I weaned myself off of them and have been off for a month, but the extreme, irrational irritability came back in no time at all. I bite my husband's head off for almost no reason on a regular basis. Then I feel bad about it and cry. The only thing I can think of is this is the REAL me, the me without ADs, and it makes me so sad to know that I am naturally such a nasty, miserable person. I really, REALLY don't want to accept the fact that I need to be medicated for life. Why am I like this? Why is my brain wired to be set off by the smallest and most trivial of things? What causes the anger issues, and is it just another manifestation of depression, or was I affected by my mother drinking alcohol when she was pregnant with me? I hate that I am this way. I feel like a terrible person. I also suffer from almost debilitating fatigue whether or not I am on ADs, which I think must be caused by the depression or the ADs--or both--because I've had blood tests to rule everything else out. I've tried different stimulants to help me not feel like sleeping all the time, but I don't like the racing heart rate and "speedy" sensation they give me. I recently tried Modafinil, but I only took it for a few days in a row because I felt that it made my irritability worse and didn't help a lot with the fatigue. I think I'm going to have to get back on ADs, but I want to try something new. So far, in order, I have tried: Citalopram/Celexa Trazodone Venlafaxine/Effexor XR Wellbutrin Buspar Fluoxetine/Prozac Sertraline/Zoloft Is there any AD in existence that: 1. Doesn't affect sex drive 2. Is more stimulating than relaxing (provides an energy/motivational boost) 3. Helps with anxiety 4. Is potentially safe to take during pregnancy (I'm not, but thinking about it in the next year or so) 5. Helps with persistent sad feelings and lack of motivation 6. Doesn't cause weight gain If anyone has any suggestions, please post them. I feel like nothing will treat all of my symptoms without also giving me a ton of side effects. I'd rather not be on multiple pills unless I can't get the relief I need with just one (so far that has been the case, but I don't think I have tried that many ADs, either). Thanks in advance.
  5. I'm feeling like the current meds are not working for me. I've tried several SSRIs and a few SNRIs. So hopeful that this new drug, esketamine, will come to market soon. Has anyone heard if/when we will be able to try it? I'm so tired of living like this. Feel like there is no hope for me lately. :(
  6. I've been on several different antidepressants over the years and none of them have helped much beyond slightly dulling the depression. Is there really a magic antidepressant/dose out there for me, or am I untreatable? I've tried therapy, but I feel my depression is mostly biochemical. I've been on Celexa, Trazadone, Wellbutrin, Buspar, Effexor, Prozac and now Zoloft. I never truly feel "happy" or "normal." I'm just stuck in a low mood all the time. Is there any hope for me, or is this all I get to look forward to the rest of my life? Battling this day in and day out is exhausting. All I want to do is sleep.
  7. Hey everyone. I'm kind of just venting, but also looking for ways to make my work situation better. I've worked for the same hospital for 5 years. I am on swing/evening shift and have been waiting for a consistent day shift since I started (to no avail). Our scheduling is seriously messed up. There is no consistency, and I bounce from my "normal" 1:30pm-10pm shift to 4:30pm-1am and 11:30 am-8pm all the time, with the occasional 8am-4:30pm and 8pm-6:30am thrown in. In other words, I'm thrown all over the place as the boss see's fit. I have complained to my boss on many occasions about needing consistency. The constant shift changes seriously affect my energy levels and mood; of course, I have never told her this because it's none of her damn business why I want a consistent schedule. On Monday I complained about the latest change and she blew up at me, telling me I don't always get what I want and that they've given me a lot (lie)...she was completely immature about it. I stood up for myself and called her out on her lies, and then I told her she's just making excuses and left. I'm a little concerned that I could be fired for standing up for myself, but I didn't call her any names. What should I do in the event she tries to get me fired? I will be getting a copy of my HR file tomorrow, and I have saved all of my emails. I don't think she will fire me, or she probably already would have. Anyway...I was wondering if there is anything I can do to force her to give me a decent, consistent shift? Is there any kind of documentation I could get from my doctor stating that I need a consistent schedule for my health? I am not represented by a union. I am hoping to transfer to a different department soon where I know I will have a consistent day shift, but I want to be prepared in case I do not get that job. My current boss is extremely insecure and takes everything I say as an insult and like I'm challenging her authority, and she makes my life hell by not giving me what I need. I would really like some ammo to use against her, but I'm not sure what my rights are. Does anyone have experience with a boss like this? How can I deal with her, now that I feel my workplace is a hostile environment? How can I force her to give me a consistent schedule if I end up not getting the new job? There is only one hospital in town and moving is not an option, so I'm kind of stuck as far as looking for other opportunities.
  8. Thank you, downNotOut. Maybe once I'm feeling better I will take him to some obedience classes. The reason I have mostly trained from home (and had one private lesson with a trainer) was because of my social anxiety, and my anxiety about how he will react to the other dogs. He has some pretty intense fear issues and I don't know if he could settle down in a group setting. I may have to go for more individual training sessions...
  9. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and advice. I'm still torn and I imagine it will be at least a few more years before I make up my mind. My biggest fear is regret if I don't have any...and also my own selfish desire to have a family when I'm older. I think I would be a good parent, I just think I would get overwhelmed easily. I wish this was an easy, straightforward decision, but I do realize that this decision is for life, and that is what makes me so nervous. :(
  10. Hi Natasha1, I'm glad everything turned out relatively well for you. How old is your daughter now? How do you manage your depression? Thank you for your insight, it gives me a lot to think about. Hi Starsea, Yes, I am planning to discuss this with my doctor at my annual wellness appointment in a few months. I actually don't have a therapist...I tried therapy once and didn't really like it. Maybe I need to try someone else? I wish it were easy to know when I'm ready. I don't think I will ever be truly ready, but then, is anyone? I am definitely concerned about the antideps during pregnancy. Kogent5, I understand where you're coming from. I also come from a dysfunctional family and worry about passing along this genetic defect, but at the same time I think a lot of it can be triggered by environmental factors. I do wonder if I had not suffered a childhood trauma and dysfunctional family if I would have developed this lasting depression at all. I do think chronic stress on a developing brain, whether or not you are genetically predisposed, can cause lifelong problems. :(
  11. Marie241, thanks for the advice. I have used my dog as a "hobby" before and it does generate conversation, but often times people ask "where do you take him hiking?" It's like...who has to go hiking just because they own a dog? Sometimes it leaves me feeling worse because people expect you to go on all of these grand adventures or go to dog parks, etc. I call those people "dog snobs." :P Right now my husband does not work, so he stays home with the dog...but once he finishes school (online) and gets a job, I'm not sure what we're going to do with the rascal. He does not like to be alone and is destructive when left alone in the house, so he has to be crated. I may have to get an outdoor kennel and a buddy for him. Hi Dysthymic9, thank you for the advice and encouragement. My social anxiety does get pretty bad, especially during interviews. I kind of "freeze up" and my words come out sounding much less than intelligent, lol. That's why I'm trying to prepare my answers ahead of time...if I know what to say, I'll feel less anxious. The hobby question always gets me though. From the answers I've gotten so far though, it sounds like spending time online doing research is actually a "good" answer. I always figured employers looked down on hobbies that involved video games or internet surfing...society seems to think you have to be active or a social butterfly in your free time to be "normal." :( I actually used to write, and I wrote very well, but as my depression worsened I kind of just lost the desire to do it anymore. I wrote mainly on play-by-post roleplay forums, so I haven't really tried to write stories or poems aside from that. I don't really know where to start in that regard. Now about your dog...he sounds like a handful, just like mine! Has he calmed down with age? I'm hoping mine chills out soon, he gets into everything and is a little thief! I do have to say that I was unaware he had any wolf in him when I bought him--he was reverse misrepresented, which is just as dangerous as the normal form of misrepresentation (when people sell dogs they claim are wolfdogs, but they actually are not). Wolfdogs, no matter the content (mine is a low), are not your average dog. They are beautiful, yes, but their added intelligence and more primitive behaviors require a very dedicated owner who is prepared to meet their special needs. I am lucky that my wolfdog is relatively laid back, otherwise I would have had to rehome him. Anyway, if you're interested in some wolfdog education, here are a few good links: http://www.wolf.org/wolf-info/basic-wolf-info/wolves-and-humans/wolf-dog-hybrids/ http://www.texx-wolf-tails.webs.com/ And yes, your post is very helpful. Thank you!
  12. Hi everyone. I'm at "that age" where I really need to get serious about deciding whether or not to have kids. I have gone back and forth on it a lot and I don't know what to do. I don't want to regret not having kids, but I also don't know how badly my depression/anxiety will affect my ability to be a good parent. I have no family other than my spouse's, and all I can think of is when we get old, we will have no one else. God forbid if something happened to him, I don't think I could go on. Though I have never really had that "maternal instinct" or strong desire to have children, I do want to experience being a parent--I'm just terrified that I won't be able to handle the added responsibility/challenges. How do you decide whether or not to go for it? I will be 29 in a couple of weeks and this has really been weighing on my mind for the last year or so. I'm currently going through a depressive episode, but it was because I thought I could do without medication. Silly me for hoping I could be normal without meds. Which brings up another concern...do antidepressants during pregnancy put the baby at risk?
  13. Yeah, the problem with him is he has been trained and knows what I want, but he is smart enough to decide whether or not he wants to comply. He is like a cat in that way. Hi EvanSSingh. Of course you may use that answer. :) That was the first phrase that popped into my head when I signed up because that's how I was feeling. I was having terrible anxiety at the time and was terrified about the future. Thank you for the advice. That is also what I have been trying to do lately. If I can accomplish one thing that I don't feel like doing, I consider it a successful day.
  14. Thank you, that means a lot. I always feel like a bad owner because I don't go out and run/hike with him. I did take him on walks for awhile, but he is terrified of people (probably partly due to my inadequate socialization when he was a puppy, and partly because he is actually a low content wolfdog). I feel like I failed him because I was too afraid of people to socialize him properly, but now here we are...both house hermits, hah.
  15. It's been a few years since I've been back here, but the depression has reared it's ugly head yet again. :(

    I'm still working at the hospital as a Medical Technologist (lab tech) and I will have been there 5 years August 1st--I'm amazed I've lasted that long. I'm hoping to move into the IS department soon--I have an interview in a few weeks. I'm extremely nervous because change is always hard for me, but if I get it the stable shift and better hours/pay will be worth it. I'm anxious about working with new people, but being in IT/IS, hopefully they will be just as introverted and shy as me. :)

    I was on Prozac 20 mg for the last 3-4 years, but I felt it had stopped working and trying to go up to 40 mg gave me side effects that I didn't like, mainly more fatigue and dizziness. I stopped cold turkey back in April and didn't really have a bad withdrawal...but since being off, I've noticed the difference. I just started Zoloft 25 mg about a week ago. I have been struggling with severe lack of motivation and fatigue, wanting to sleep all the time and then feeling guilty about it. I have no hobbies (and no desire/drive to have any) so I just sit around on my days off and feel even more worthless.

    I got a puppy back in April 2015 to prove to myself that I could raise and care for one. I still have him, he's 1.5 years old now and a pain in the butt. I guess I could have selected an easier breed, but I love him despite his challenges. He's helped me learn to "let go" of the little things (like a constantly dirty/hairy house), but he's not really a cuddler, so he's not much for comforting when I need it. I was terrified to get him, and my anxiety was at an all time high for awhile, but I'm glad I didn't give up. I now have hope that maybe one day I can handle having a kid...unfortunately, time is ticking. *sigh*


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