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About ELJ1980

  • Birthday 09/24/1980

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    evolution, genetics, painting, cycling, reading, learning languages, travel, whatever other new activity I have started recently (currently not doing any of these things)

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  1. hi, thanks for the reply, went to the Doc, she thinks the hallucinations were caused by some SSRI discontinuation syndrome as i was originally mis-diagnosed with major depressive disorder and have been coming off these for a few weeks, she slowed the rate of tapering and it seems to be working. :)
  2. This seems to be my default setting at the moment, does anyone have any advice to break this cycle? I am not going to do anything to myself currently (although this has not always been true by any means.... I've had a whole range of suicidal ideation). I have this load crouching on my brain, behind my eyes that makes me think that i might as well be dead, and so i think about different ways of making this happen, i try to stop myself, concentrate on work, but then the Barsteward returns. I am only mildly depressed today and would be comparably fairly functional, my normal, or at least lets just say 'my traditional' way of dealing with this would be drugs, alcohol and self harm... does anyone have any suggestions (please no suggestions of exercise, I have exercised myself to a high level of fitness and this voice/mass/load didn't relent for a moment and cycling/running in traffic would make it very easy)
  3. does anyone else have anything like this? mostly peripheral vision... but feel like i am on a 'threshold' as in it could become worse... always associated with a wired sort of insomnia... does not happen all the time by any means, sorry if this is a doubled topic...
  4. this is pretty much what happened to me, the GP changed my medication...
  5. Hello, welcome to the forum... i feel much the same as you, a life time of being alone with this... but hopefully finding a solution now E
  6. I've seen the future, brother: it is m*****

  7. Very good advice. I have had the worst things said about BP people like us in the workplace. Hey did you see Carrie on Homeland she is a real nut job. Gawd those BP people are freaks is that Schizophrenia? Then watch when you complain to HR and find out they aren't on your side but there to protect the interests of the company. hello! yes I intend to tell as few people as possible (if I am eventually diagnosed as BP), currently I'm only telling (some people) about the depression... thanks
  8. Yes i had been thinking that, i mean what is stopping me working at the moment isn't 'feeling depressed' it is the tiredness, inability to concentrate (both generally and due to obsessing ideas), the constant feeling that what i am doing is bad, that i am wasting opportunities afforded to me, I am letting people down as well as a difficult to describe, general anxiety. websites that describe depressive symptoms seem to focus on the emotional... *feeling* depressed, *feeling* no interest in things, *feeling* agitated, *feeling* guilty, *feeling* worthless etc and while i feel all of those things I feel that the explanation/description needs to be performance focused... so that it can be framed as an illness that has removed my ability to do what i need to do.
  9. Hello, It's becoming clear that i am going to have to disclose a significant amount of what I feel, how this effects me etc. to my supervisors at work. could we make a thread on suggestions of how to do this, what to disclose and what not to etc. It has been recommended to me that i send a link to a website that describes my symptoms, however I've not found one that adequately explains them, this is particularly the case (perhaps) because i have not been formally diagnosed yet. (personally, extreme anxiety about work, leaving the house and using the telephone are exacerbating this problem for me)... sorry if this has been covered in other forum posts.
  10. i have been obsessing for a few hours that i am not really depressed, that i am a fraud but that i have somehow tricked myself into thinking and acting like this... it was triggered by a Skype conversation which lifted my mood slightly... apart from this moment, the rest of the day I've felt empty and joyless, I've not left my bed or eaten and i am very anxious about tomorrow, it's a Monday, there is work i should be doing, but i know i won't be able to leave the house (thinking about this is what occupied my morning). after the momentary spark of something good, followed by guilt, fear i feeling of wanting to vanish i started searching the internet, academic journals, blogs etc to try and explain this ridiculous idea of unconscious self-delusion, trying to prove to myself that I am not depressed... which at least led me to learn that this feeling of being a fraud appears to be quite common... i am finding that everyday brings a new bout of this kind of obsessing... yesterday I obsessed for most of the day that my memories were not reliable which would mean that i would give the psychiatrist incorrect information and that i would be given some treatment that would make me worse
  11. Hi Tom, yes every relationship i have had has been affected by depression... i and think it is likely that the last one end (in part) because of it... how are you feeling about life at the moment? does this girl know about your depression?
  12. effortless, yes, that's true... they did say that they always thought I could be moody and irritable... I just spoke to and ex-girlfriend (who a few years ago tried to pressured me into seeing a doctor, when i told her about my Suicidal ideation), she said that a lot of the time it was impossible to tell what I was thinking and that i never spoke about myself and how I felt about things... she also restored some faith in my memory as she was also able to identify another period of depression that I had not confessed to her before. I hadn't realised how little people know me... I suppose in feeling something so strongly and so persistently for so much of my life, I have assumed that some how this must have been obvious in some way to others.
  13. thanks for your reply... has given me a lot to think about.
  14. i am on antidepressants at the moment but they are doing nothing, I'm meeting a counselor (i saw her yesterday, i don't really remember waht we talked about... she seemed a little anxious to get rid of me), i was also shown an CBT online thing (which is just stupid)... as you can see I don't particularly feel very positive about any of them just noticed my first post says that my parents did realise..... i meant they didn't
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