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mef123

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mef123 last won the day on June 9 2012

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  1. mef123

    Hope

    I haven't been here in quite a while. I've been doing a lot of healing. It's been a slow process and I didn't even see it happening. But last July 2015 I was in a very bad place self harming that I was about to be put in the psych hospital. I ended up making a promise to my psychiatrist and had people watching me round the clock and I didn't go. I haven't self harmed since then. But that's not where my story started. Back in 2006 I was diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety. However neither were debilitating. I started medication and about 9 months later got a job in a store. It was very stressful but I really liked it. I didn't know at the time that stress is not good for me and my mental illness. I worked there for about 9 months then pretty much had a nervous breakdown. Things haven't been the same since. I had my first visit to a psych hospital and three more after that all in the time frame of 14 months. It was hell on me and my family. I was and still am lucky to have a wonderful, even if he doesn't always get it, husband and at that time a young child, he was 10 the first time I went into the hospital. He's 18 now and about to graduate high school. I have been on so many medications and medication combos it fills up 3 notebooks. I kept track of every single med change. I'm on my third psychiatrist, been with him five years and he's great and I've been with my therapist five years, she's great too. It's been a very long road. Honestly I never thought I would find relief from this hell. But I have. I'm happy again. It's been months, at least 8 months but it's really hard for me to know exactly when I started feeling better. My anxiety still needs work and I am working on that. But I'm happy, I laugh, I have fun, I want to be around family, I want to talk to people. I don't want to be in my hole. My diagnosis now is bipolar, OCD, agoraphobia, social anxiety and panic attacks. I've been on the same med combo now for 9 months. I don't know how long this will last. But I am optimistic. It has been a long 10 years and I feel like I finally have peace. I am a changed person though, but I think it's for the good. I think I'm more compassionate, understanding, sympathetic and willing to help someone in need. I hope someone will find their own hope in this Michele
  2. I don't go to any parties or things like that anymore because of that. My husband is on his own. When I used to go he would always get up and leave me sitting there by myself. I hated it. He is a very social person so he finds it hard to just sit some place. But my social anxiety makes it so I don't want to socialize. Your friends comment was also uncalled for. I would be very upset too. You should definately talk to her. Michele
  3. ((((stopthetorment)))) I'm sorry about the breakup with your GF. I know things look bad right now in your eyes but your in a depression and things always look bad when your in a depression, at least they do for me. I think it's great that you are trying not to isolate by going for walks and going to the coffee shop. It's good to be around people. Just to sit there and watch can be entertaining. This is a great place for support. Keep posting Michele ​
  4. If yor are desperate for money then you should probably go to the job but keep looking for a new job at the same time. So I've heard, it's always easier to get a job when you're already in a job. I don't know why but that's what I've heard. Maybe it will be easier if you know that it's not forever, you can keep looking but in the mean time you'd be bringing in an income. Just a thought. Good luck Michele
  5. I play with my hands look around the room a lot I like to hold a sheet in my hand and play with it my foot and leg I shake a lot bite my nails grind and clench my jaw bite my lip and the inside of my mouth I know there's more but I can't think right now. Michele
  6. I also feel this way. I wonder a lot if I'm just lazy. But it's always when I'm in a depression. I don't work so I should be doing things around the house but I do nothing. I just sit on the couch, on the computer, trying to watch tv, doing nothing and then I hate myself even more than I already do. I have a lot of self hatred and when I start feeling guilty the self hatred gets worse. It's a vicious cycle. You are not alone. It is the illness. Michele
  7. ((((stardreamer)))) The first thing I would say is that you should talk to a therapist but I know you don't want to do that. So have you ever thought of getting a book maybe on CBT and trying those techniques. You can look at the books on amazon.com and then go to the library and borrow it. That way your not spending any money. You can get lots of books from the library. Definitely keep meditating. There are a lot of free apps you can get on your phone or computer. I know you don't want meds so I won't suggest a psychiatrist either, but know that if you ever do need meds there are programs that can help. I stress a lot over money. I'm fortunate enough to have a husband who supports me but I also get SSDI. With my medical expenses things are tight but we get by ok. I hope you can feel better. Michele
  8. Emme, I am so sorry about your mom. It is very hard to watch someone go through that. I'm kind of in the same boat but my mom has alzheimer's, end stages. I know how hard it is. My father has also been married to my mother for 50 years and he is finding this very hard. I worry about my dad a lot. 63 days sober is awesome! Keep going, do it for you and do it for your mom. My thoughts are with you and your family. Michele
  9. When I'm depressed I aslo think that I purposely make myself more depressed. I have a playlist on my ipod title "sad" and I listen to it over and over. I think I listen to it because the words speak to me. They're saying what I feel. I know it's a poor choice but I do it anyway. Michele
  10. So I am diagnosed with depression, OCD and other anxiety disorders and I self harm. I had a complete breakdown in 2008, was in the psych hospital 4 times in 14 months. I haven't been the same since. I'm still trying to get a med combo that works for me. My pdoc says that I'm med resistant. So it's been hard, a real rollercoaster. My husband of 19 years is great and I love him with all my heart but he just doesn't get it. We had a huge argument two nights ago because of the way he talks to me sometimes. I feel like he puts me down because I don't have a job anymore, I'm on Social Security Disability. So I do bring money in. I feel like he thinks he should make all the financial decisions because he is supporting us. I feel like I live in his house, drive his car, and eat his food. I feel like I have to run every purchase I make by him. Oh by the way, the car I'm driving now my father bought for me so we did not pay for it so I don't know why I feel like it's his. He's always making jokes about how I don't work. When I say that I do bring money in he just rolls his eyes or snickers. I feel like a complete burden to him and I told him this the other night. We have been through a lot with my mental illness and we have spent a lot of money on doctors, therapists, and medications. I know it's a lot. I'm also very grateful to have a husband who works so hard to support us so I don't have to work. He said he would try to be better but he tells me that a lot and he'll be better for a few days then he's back to his regular way. He likes to make jokes about everything, it's his way. Most of the time I laugh because I don't want to start an argument but a lot of the time I don't find it funny, it can be hurtful, maybe I'm just too sensitive. But he should respect my feelings and not crack jokes at my expense all the time. Like I said I love him so much but everyone has their faults. Am I being to sensitive or is he just being too mean??? Michele
  11. I have been grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw for years. I have TMJ, my jaw is a mess. I do it mostly at night. I do find myself clenching my jaw during the day sometimes. I have to make myself relax my jaw. I know I do it because of anxiety. I don't really have much advice but I have been told that meditation can help. I don't know. Michele
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