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Withered

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About Withered

  • Birthday 07/20/1984

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Canada

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  1. Happy Birthday - hope you are doing well :)

  2. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  3. All ur replies are warming to the heart - I know I'm not alone. Yesterday was a great day (absolute high). Last night was horrible (crashed real bad). Today I have been numb to everything. I haven't been happy, haven't been angry or sad, haven't been anything. Numb. Cold. Empty. It's almost calming and welcoming to feel like this. It beats the highs and lows. Last night I was wanting to crawl in a deep dark hole and just die. It was bad. So, I started a blog. Writing has always helped me in the past. So I started a blog and am using that as a means of treatment (again). I will treat myself the way I know how. It's worked before, it will work again. I just wish diseases like this didn't have to exist. =(
  4. The problem with where I'm from is that Drs only believe in two things... Paxil and Valium. They dont believe in anything else. Neither of which help me at all. (Which is also why I dropped the meds when I was 18) Even the local mental health treatment center (aka, the local looney bin) will only give either Paxil or Valium. Its horrible. I ask them for something else and they say "no, these have the best proven results" .3... ya - for addiction - and I was already a junkie back in the day - I've started back down that path again - I dont need to make it any worse. Its getting to the point where its affecting my relationship with my kids (because Im always yelling at them these days) and my husband too (he looks at me like he's scared sh*tless). Illusion -- yes I used to meditate when I was younger. It was never successful for the same reasons sleep is (and was) never successful. I can't shut down my mind. At any given moment I have a million thoughts running thru my head, some good, most bad. I can't turn my mind off. Thats the one thing that has never gone away. I get on average 3 hours of very broken sleep a night. I often use illegal substances to help me sleep. Another obession I've had lately (which I used to also get all the time with my episodes when I was younger) is the intense (almost overwhelming) desire to attract as many men (and women) as possible. I am happily married, I love my husband very much - but I'm aching for the attention of others and I dont know why. I workout 5 daysa week, I dress sexy, my hair done, makeup done ... I'm obsessed with having all eyes on me. Thats what happened the night I ran into my Ex and I ended up sleeping with him. I dont even regret it, dont feel any guilt or anything about it. I'm numb. Today is a so-so day. My emotions are running high, my mood however is somewhat stable. Not happy, nor unhappy... just kinda .. "meh, whatever" ... just dont care about anything type of mood (for me those are the most dangerous moods to be in - thats when I act the most reckless and careless). I told my kids to "hide mommys car keys" - the weather is bad, its a snow day for my oldest son and I'm not thinking 100% clear. They think its a game ... their dont realize its for their own safety. This is yet another reason why I sometimes think its best to just walk out on my family. I cant hurt them if I'm not there. Man, my mind is so messed up. =(
  5. I'm 26 years old. I have 3 kids (two of which stay home with me full time). I have a wonderful husband and a pretty good life. However ... when I was 14 I was diagnosed Bi-Polar - it had developed many years prior as I grew up in a very unstalbe household with a lot of physical abuse. I was on meds until I was 18 at which point I threw my meds out and decided to handle it on my own thru alternative methods of treatment. It worked for 8 years. I had mini episodes, rapid cycling to the point that no one ever noticed much of a change before things went back to 'normal'. 7 months ago my life was turned upside down by the deaths of 2 friends and 1 family member. All 3 people died within 2 weeks. My 2 friends were unexpected deaths (one was ********, the other has massive heart attack), and my family member was given 3 weeks to live with cancer (so it was expected but shocking none the less given the time line). Since then - I have been in shambles. I am reckless and uncaring. I have been acting out and been very irritable, suffer from extreme mania and compulsive (and dangerous) behavior. I've been going from extreme highs to extreme lows in a matter of seconds, minutes, hours... I've cheated on my husband with an ex-bf (only the 1 time), I'm contemplated walking out on my family, I've even thought about death (but not suicide). This is the worst episode I've had since I was 16. I dont do it on purpose - I just can't control it. My husband doesnt understand... he knows I'm "sick" (for lack of a better term) - but he doesnt get it - and doesn't pretend to either. But he supports me to the best of his ability. Drs out here and not the best. I have never found my "remedy" - now the Drs are deciding instead of anti-depressants, lets try her on sedatives instead. He's got me on 25mgs of Valium a day (5 does of 5mg each). It does nothing. It helps me by no means. It was easy to fix myself when I was younger, I had no one to worry about except myself... no hubby, no kids, no nothing. Now I dont seem to have the time to help myself and I'm just getting worse. I know if I continue like this I will ruin my life... I'm already starting on a bad path - but I can't seem to turn around and walk away. Part of me likes it. I have a high addictive personality and if I like something (good or bad) I will be consumed by it. I need help. I dont want to see a therapist - they dont work for me. I hate taking meds... I'm dying here, suffering in silence. I am numb to everything, cold, broken and uncaring. ....I can't live like this....
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