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About DebbieDowner

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    Boston, MA
  1. I think of this a lot. Especially when I think of how many people work jobs they hate just to put food on the table or pay the bills, but the job isn't fulfilling; which is a shame since you're spending all that time there. Even though I do enjoy my job, it's hard to find the motivation to care about it, because in the long run, of the lifetime of the universe, what does it matter if this business is successful or this one customer is happy? But on the other hand, I have a part of me that cares a lot, maybe it's more selfish, and I care how I'm performing and what my coworkers or boss thinks of me. I'm very paranoid about how others perceive me. I'm my harshest critic and if I make the slightest mistake, I'm shattered and will go cry in the bathroom. I guess because I know everyone else think things matter and everything we do is weighted heavily so I don't want to disappoint and look like a failure to them. Anyways, I don't know where I'm going with this. At the end of the day, when this cirles all around in my head, I wind up in the end just thinking that the point of it all is just to enjoy our small time here, whether you want to make a major impact on the world, or not at all, but for me personally, I just want to be happy, and I look forward to those moments once and a while that will make me smile.
  2. Just remember there's always many options and what ever happens, if it turns out to not be the perfect solution, there are always other medications and treatments. One change is not the end all and be all and you're not locked in. I was on zoloft for years and then went off of it, and now I have an appointment to be evaluated for medication again. Even though it's confusing and it can feel like you're being bounced around, and the unknown is super scary, but I rather try different options for the chance they might make me feel a little better Good luck
  3. ((huggsss)) I'm sorry it's so hard, I know it's hard just to face every new day. I'm scared to fall asleep every night because I know i'll be waking up to tomorrow, and I don't want to deal with tomorrow.. But I know I can always look forward to the one day that I'm going to wake up and it will be a little easier. Whether it's a week, a month, a year, I don't know, but I always have hope that that day will come. Just face one day at a time, I know that's cliche, but I don't plan much into the future, I just focus on getting through each day. We're all going to get through it together, have hope
  4. I'm almost in the same situation. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and he adores me and just wants to make me smile. I'm just never fully convinced and I feel like such a sh**ty person and he deserves better than me, the "perfect girlfriend". I feel like I've been pushing him away lately and just want to be by myself in my little depressed bubble and all he wants to do is cheer me up but it doesn't work. I feel like I'm in too deep with him, I've never made it this long in a relationship; and I can't decide if I'm actually bored with the relationship and want it to end, or my depression is making me second guess things and not giving me the ability to feel anything at all towards anyone. He wishes I would talk to him more and open up about what I'm feeling, but I can't really put into words, that conversation sounds exhausting and I rather just crawl into my shell and be quiet. I'm sorry I don't have much advice, I'm at a total loss, I hope you're having better luck figuring everything out
  5. I'm pretty much the guy in this situation, and I've been with my boyfriend for a year and he's super supportive and thinks the world of me. But I think I'm a s***ty person and he deserves so much more than me and the "perfect girlfriend". It's really hard for me to communicate what I'm feeling, I just kind of sit in my empty depressed hole and sometimes I can crawl out to be around him and sometimes I just push him away. He's constantly saying I can talk to him about anything and he loves me and I'm beautiful. I guess that's more helpful than if he wasn't saying anything but in my head it's just words and it doesn't make me feel any better. I have no desire to talk, I can barely muster enough energy to talk to my therapist. I don't know what I would say, I just know I feel bad, but I don't know what to say about it. I'm sorry, this probably isn't helpful and I'm just rambling about myself. I guess just being there for me if I do want to open up and not being offended or taking it personally if I'm pushing him away. It's always so much easier to be by yourself and not go out and interact with others. Also, just being distracted. Sometimes, I don't want to be treated like a patient and coddled; I just want some sense of normalcy and to laugh and to make me forget for a short bit of time that I feel like a shell of a person... I hope that's a little bit helpful..good luck
  6. All of your comments mean a lot to me. And I'm glad there are others that have been in this position. It's true that all the hobbies and things I've enjoyed in my life, I don't bother doing or don't even care to do. I just sleep, work, drink. And I feel horrible about it. For me it'll probably be about going cold turkey and one day where I'm feeling in good spirits and clearheaded I'll make the decision and make some plans for my new life (I love making lists haha) Thank you everyone. I really think you've helped motivate me :)
  7. Thank you for the responses. However, I get out of my job between 11-12 at night. I just need the willpower to go home and not go to the bars after so that I can wake up in the morning and do productive things in the day. But I don't have that motivation. There's nothing pushing me to the responsible lifestyle. I think I'm scared to go home after work and be alone and try go unwind another way, like with music or tv..alone with my thoughts
  8. I've been on Zoloft for about 3 years and it's kept me fairly stable. After graduating college this year, I have a good job, a great apartment, I should be excited about where I am in my life right now. But lately I've been drinking more than I ever did, even in college. I feel like I'm using going out drinking with friends as a distraction from my unhappiness. I've been working in the restaurant industry for a year and half, so I feel like we have a tendency to have the routine of going out at night after work-but that's also just my excuse that I use to justify it to myself. I've been smoking cigarettes, which is something I never thought I would do. I just feel like a sh**ty person. I feel like I can't be left alone to myself because the self-reflection becomes overwhelming, and I don't want to actually feel or accept that I might still be depressed. I just don't know which is the lesser of two evils: being completely consumed by depression (I used to SH at one point) or being a nightly social drinker, which is making me gain weight and feel skummy-except for the actual moments I'm drunk and I feel amazing... I guess I just don't know what direction to go in now. I just had to get this out and get my thoughts organized...
  9. I have been in that boat! I would run to the bathroom so many times to cry in the stall, my coworkers must have thought I had a weird medical condition..I don't know if that's better or worse than depression. Either way, just hang in there. There are good days ahead, I promise. Get yourself a candy bar, anything to make you smile!
  10. I'm going to get a rubik's cube on my back that's completely solved except for two pieces that are switched, in the wrong spot. Doing the rubik's cube has always been my nerdy thing and it's a little messed up as a reminder that I don't always have to be perfect, because my strive for control over my own perfection causes a lot of my anxiety and depression.
  11. Hey there! Thank you for your post. I feel the complete same way with guys. I get nauseous and anxious when I start hanging out with a new guy; I don't even know why, I just can't handle it, my body freaks out. They must think I'm crazy because I can't eat and I'm sitting there curled up wringing my hands in my lap. I hate to say that I rely on alcohol to feel ok. It's great hanging out at a bar or dinner with alcohol so I don't look like a crazy girl that loves to drink. I don't have any genius advice about how I overcame this. My "relationships" last a couple months and then the guy gets bored or something and we just stop hanging out. I believe there are people that will appreciate our quirks and anxieties and stick with it until we're comfortable and feel relaxed in each others' company. Good luck, and pepto bismol haha
  12. I have to chime in because I have the same anxiety you have with guys. I start casual relationships that last a couple months of just hanging out, some weekend drinking, nothing too exciting, and nothing very physical. Then I assume the guy gets bored, especially since I'm not that forward and don't instigate anything physical..so they just vanish. I've been seeing a guy for a couple months who I think I really like. I never really understand what it even feels like to "like" someone. I'm too logical and analytical of a person to understand emotions and relationships. All we've done is kiss and when things start to get more..passionate..he can tell I'm getting anxious and he stops and doesn't pressure me. I'm not used to someone being so cool with my anxiety and not running for the hills when I won't immediately have sex with them..I can't believe that would mean he actually likes me. My brain can't process that he isn't an a**hole. I'm just such a perfectionist and over-analyzer that I don't think I can handle sex. Without the experience, I'll be too anxious that I'm not doing something right and I can't possibly be that vulnerable infront of someone. My brain is unable to just let go and succumb to natural human drives. I even get bored kissing..my brain starts wandering and I get antsy. Ugh it's just frustrating..my anxiety always wins. Drinking doesn't even help me.. I get a weird drunk-anxious..
  13. I completely understand where you're coming from. I have a very strong work ethic and was taught at a young age that if you want something done, do it yourself. I'm very independent and don't like or trust others doing things for me. But I've had depression for years and it's such a fight when I have things to do or feel like I need to get things done to feel accomplished. I'm a full time student and working part time. I have a busy plate and have to put a smile on and get through it all. I'm almost glad when I have a full schedule because it doesn't allow me time to ruminate and over-analyze myself, making my depression worse. Once I start to let the lazy, unproductive side effects of depression effect me, it will take over; I'm constantly fighting it...which is exhausting. It took me a long time to go to a therapist and actually get help and accept that I might be depressed. I thought I could "fix myself" on my own; I was very resistent to asking for help. It wasn't until I had a complete breakdown, that I gave myself over the professionals. For those weeks where it was the worst, I literally couldn't even focus at work at all.. I was a zombie, I did the bare minimum so that no one noticed something was wrong. And I know it's so bad, but I'm always comparing myself to others. I'm struggling mentally, and my classes aren't that hard. I have friends that have crazy hard exams and doing a million other things; I look at them and wonder how they're still functioning. My life looks so bearable..why can't I handle it?
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