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About DebbieDowner

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    Boston, MA

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  1. I’m sorry to hear that what was working is no longer. I’m sure it feels very frustrating and defeating. And yes, what you’re saying makes sense, and the fact that you are able to reflect on and express how you’re feeling now, is a win on some level. I’m also at a point where I can identify my habits and where I need to go moving forward, but there’s still something blocking my way. But I try to remind myself that acknowledging this is a step forward and through each experience, positive or negative, we are learning and understanding ourselves better, which I believe can only help us in the future.
  2. @Evergreenforst4 that is all so well said, thank you. I so often feeling nothing at all, that any feeling is welcome and an exciting change from apathy, even if there's fear or worry along with the moments of happiness.
  3. @sober4life I’m so sorry that has been your experience. Not only do we all deserve love (even though we might not believe that), we also deserve it be honest and true @Nightjar I think you’re definitely going with the flow here! Being such an introspective person, for better or worse, I reflect a lot on my past experiences, including relationships. It has led me to understand myself better and be able to recognize certain patterns in my thought and behavior. This thinking is also to my detriment and I use these patterns as validation for negative feelings I have of myself, rather than accepting them and seeing positives in myself over time. (“I do this every time, Ill never change, I deserve to be alone”) I think that is a beautiful mantra, that experience is more interesting than abstinence..and I think in the end, more fulfilling. @Atra thank you for your thoughts around sex, I think it’s great that you have been able to carve out some sort of plan that works for you. Recently I found those grilling questions pointed at me, in a loving way only to better understand me, not in a hostile or forceful way. What frustrates me most is that I don’t have answers to these questions, not that I’m embarrassed to share them or don’t believe my needs would be met. And I agree that some form of praise is all I need to feel good. Thank you for sharing that quote from the podcast. I am very good at putting on a face and acting cool and fun and easygoing, when I first meet someone. It’s like a game to me to see if I can get someone to fall for me, my alternate persona. I know once they get to the “real me”, they won’t like it or I’ll be so insecure that I’ll push them away. What’s so distressing is when it appears that someone does like the me underneath this shell. But I can’t get past the questions, are both personas still me? And I’m just so used to playing the part of lonely and sad, that anything else feels like acting? If I play that part enough, could I accept that I really am cool and fun and easygoing as well as lonely and sad, and that’s ok?
  4. @jkd_sd I feel the same way about being able to give and not receive, it seems selfish to me because I feel I don’t deserve it. But being able to do anything to make people I care about happy is enough for me to feel good, I don’t want the attention turned back on me. @Atra I love your metaphors and I often use them to try to make sense of my feelings. One of my anxieties is being a perfectionist and not having a rule book for something like love or sex makes it so hard for me. I can’t accept the abstract and have such a fear of making a mistake or doing it wrong. I know this is irrational but I just can’t get past it. Having a person that wants to help me work through it and is not pressuring but understanding almost makes it worse. I don’t want to be some chore for you and to burden you with my issues, you could just move on and find someone easy. It’s such a toxic mental spiral that I end up in. I’ve been single for most of my life and that has become my comfort zone, and like you said I have been able to manage my “erratic emotions”, that having someone to help me and love me feels so foreign. And therefore creates so much anxiety that I just shut down, mentally and physically, when I should be excited about this new prospect in my life.
  5. Thank you for your words of support and understanding 💕💕
  6. I often feel the same way. Guilt has always been such a huge part of my depression and anxiety, and then I realize how silly it is to feel that way, and then feel guilty for feeling guilty 🤦‍♀️ Not only therapists and doctors, I feel that way with friends and boyfriends too. They could have been spending their time with someone else who isn’t as “difficult” as me. Im not sure I have any good advice but sometimes it’s just comforting to know others feel the same way. 💕
  7. I have been very open about my anxiety and depression since we started dating. He is supportive and understanding, and even better, doesn’t agree with my irrational insecurities and says I’m perfect. I still believe my anxiety will be a chore to deal with and feel guilty that he’a choosing to be with me. I’m very comfortable being alone and often regret embarking on a relationship, knowing how much additional anxiety it brings me. I usually end up pushing someone away within the first couple months and I don’t want to do that with this one. So far, there has been so much good in this relationship that it’s outweighing the anxiety, but I constantly worry that my irrational overthinking will catch up. I’m mostly just posting to see if someone feels similar and so we can all feel less alone in our struggles. Thank you
  8. I think of this a lot. Especially when I think of how many people work jobs they hate just to put food on the table or pay the bills, but the job isn't fulfilling; which is a shame since you're spending all that time there. Even though I do enjoy my job, it's hard to find the motivation to care about it, because in the long run, of the lifetime of the universe, what does it matter if this business is successful or this one customer is happy? But on the other hand, I have a part of me that cares a lot, maybe it's more selfish, and I care how I'm performing and what my coworkers or boss thinks of me. I'm very paranoid about how others perceive me. I'm my harshest critic and if I make the slightest mistake, I'm shattered and will go cry in the bathroom. I guess because I know everyone else think things matter and everything we do is weighted heavily so I don't want to disappoint and look like a failure to them. Anyways, I don't know where I'm going with this. At the end of the day, when this cirles all around in my head, I wind up in the end just thinking that the point of it all is just to enjoy our small time here, whether you want to make a major impact on the world, or not at all, but for me personally, I just want to be happy, and I look forward to those moments once and a while that will make me smile.
  9. Just remember there's always many options and what ever happens, if it turns out to not be the perfect solution, there are always other medications and treatments. One change is not the end all and be all and you're not locked in. I was on zoloft for years and then went off of it, and now I have an appointment to be evaluated for medication again. Even though it's confusing and it can feel like you're being bounced around, and the unknown is super scary, but I rather try different options for the chance they might make me feel a little better Good luck
  10. ((huggsss)) I'm sorry it's so hard, I know it's hard just to face every new day. I'm scared to fall asleep every night because I know i'll be waking up to tomorrow, and I don't want to deal with tomorrow.. But I know I can always look forward to the one day that I'm going to wake up and it will be a little easier. Whether it's a week, a month, a year, I don't know, but I always have hope that that day will come. Just face one day at a time, I know that's cliche, but I don't plan much into the future, I just focus on getting through each day. We're all going to get through it together, have hope
  11. I'm almost in the same situation. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and he adores me and just wants to make me smile. I'm just never fully convinced and I feel like such a sh**ty person and he deserves better than me, the "perfect girlfriend". I feel like I've been pushing him away lately and just want to be by myself in my little depressed bubble and all he wants to do is cheer me up but it doesn't work. I feel like I'm in too deep with him, I've never made it this long in a relationship; and I can't decide if I'm actually bored with the relationship and want it to end, or my depression is making me second guess things and not giving me the ability to feel anything at all towards anyone. He wishes I would talk to him more and open up about what I'm feeling, but I can't really put into words, that conversation sounds exhausting and I rather just crawl into my shell and be quiet. I'm sorry I don't have much advice, I'm at a total loss, I hope you're having better luck figuring everything out
  12. I'm pretty much the guy in this situation, and I've been with my boyfriend for a year and he's super supportive and thinks the world of me. But I think I'm a s***ty person and he deserves so much more than me and the "perfect girlfriend". It's really hard for me to communicate what I'm feeling, I just kind of sit in my empty depressed hole and sometimes I can crawl out to be around him and sometimes I just push him away. He's constantly saying I can talk to him about anything and he loves me and I'm beautiful. I guess that's more helpful than if he wasn't saying anything but in my head it's just words and it doesn't make me feel any better. I have no desire to talk, I can barely muster enough energy to talk to my therapist. I don't know what I would say, I just know I feel bad, but I don't know what to say about it. I'm sorry, this probably isn't helpful and I'm just rambling about myself. I guess just being there for me if I do want to open up and not being offended or taking it personally if I'm pushing him away. It's always so much easier to be by yourself and not go out and interact with others. Also, just being distracted. Sometimes, I don't want to be treated like a patient and coddled; I just want some sense of normalcy and to laugh and to make me forget for a short bit of time that I feel like a shell of a person... I hope that's a little bit helpful..good luck
  13. All of your comments mean a lot to me. And I'm glad there are others that have been in this position. It's true that all the hobbies and things I've enjoyed in my life, I don't bother doing or don't even care to do. I just sleep, work, drink. And I feel horrible about it. For me it'll probably be about going cold turkey and one day where I'm feeling in good spirits and clearheaded I'll make the decision and make some plans for my new life (I love making lists haha) Thank you everyone. I really think you've helped motivate me :)
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