Hello everyone it's been a while since I've been on here. I've had highs and lows but mostly lows over the past months and it's just a vicious cycle that I hate so much. I'm still getting out of the house and doing what I can to help others which is always good therapy but not so much here lately. I never really got a sense of reward or a sense of positive feelings from helping others but at least I had something to do with my time. Don't feel too much like writing this but I thought I would let some of you know I'm still alive. Today I stayed home instead of going to the hand of hope ministry and I always regret when I don't go. I found that when it comes to a decision of either/or like a 50-50 decision that I always make the wrong one 50% of the time actually I mean 95% of the time. My vision has got so worse that I really cannot read the print on here unless I really enlarge it and then it still difficult. The prevailing ball on my mind fairly much at all times is how much I want to die and be done with it, life as it is. I don't want this but it stays in my thoughts. I mean I do want to die I guess I just don't want to miss anything if anything was to happen to better my mental status. The neuromuscular disease that I have has gotten worse and I find myself falling often and I'll be damned to be in a wheelchair and I don't know what to do about that. When I walk I'm scared all the time that I'm going to trip and fall. And if I were to break my leg or have to go into a wheelchair I've really screwed up that I don't have anybody that would be willing to take care of me that is helped take care of me because I burn too many bridges. I just tell my therapist what I think she wants to hear because it's just gotten old going in there and knowing that I feel like I'm still just a screwed up in the head as I was when I first started going. I become very close with my pastor and I don't want to let him down so that keeps me from being completely honest with him about how I really feel. Besides all he would want to do is pray for me and so far betting help one bit. Perhaps I need to spend more time here because I feel like I can talk about these things and nobodies going to judge me. It's really an oxymoron, as much as I want to die, I still want to live and that's all hope everyone is well.