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About JSMitchell

  • Birthday 07/08/1991

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    Baltimore, MD

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  1. I know this reply is super late and I'm sorry for that, but I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to offer advice and support. I'll be working with a new psychiatrist in April (I had major issues with my old psychiatrist and decided that I definitely don't want to be her client anymore), and hopefully I'll be getting an official diagnosis soon. But again, thanks so much for the love and support from everyone, I greatly appreciate it!
  2. I know this reply is a bit late, but I just saw the new posts and I wanted to thank everyone deeply for all the advice and support! I'm actually still trying to figure out my sexuality and work all of that out, but right now I'm still with the boyfriend I mentioned in my original post. We do have some issues in our relationship to work out and I have my own personal issues that I'm trying to address, but right now everything seems to stable and I've decided I have other things that need to be worked out before I can make any major life decisions. But again, thanks so much to everyone who took the time to reply and offer their support, I really appreciate the love and care that many of the people on this forum have always shown me. :)
  3. I do think part of the issue is that I'm very hard on myself. I hate making mistakes, and it's very hard for me to forgive myself when I do. It is entirely possible that this thing is more of an issue of being too hard on myself (and therefore seeing it as unacceptable when other people are more lenient with me for my mistake) than my boyfriend enabling my bad habits or something. Thank you so much for your help, Fizzle! You've been really helpful and kind, I appreciate it. I'll check out the link you posted and Google right now. :)
  4. ilhan - I'm not sure what you mean exactly. Can you expand on that? Fizzle - Thanks so much for your answer. Do you think I should let my boyfriend keep being so flexible though?
  5. My psychiatrist suspects I have Bipolar Disorder 2. There's not official diagnosis yet, so there's still a possibility that I don't have it. But I do show some symptoms of it, such as anger. When I get angry, it's hard to control myself. When I calm down, I do take responsibility for my actions, apologize, and try to improve. My boyfriend is very forgiving, but one of the reasons he's so forgiving is because he's sure that I have Bipolar Disorder. He seems to use my Bipolar Disorder as a reason to excuse my actions, and I don't know if that's okay. I never use my Disorder as a reason to excuse my bad behavior. If I'm a jerk, I take responsibility for my actions, Disorder or not. But I don't know if it's okay for someone else to use it as an excuse to forgive me. I mean, if that helps him move on and forgive, I can understand that. But on the other hand, I don't know if I should allow him to continue doing that. It's not doing any harm, but I don't know if it'll cause harm in the future. It doesn't seem to be causing him to hold grudges in or cause resentment. So far, it's an innocent action. But I don't want him to be a doormat and excuse my jerk behavior. I take responsibility for my actions, but I don't know if it's okay to keep allowing him to do this. I just don't want him to be a doormat. I've brought up the topic with him, but he seems adamant that my Disorder is a reason to be more flexible with me and my bad behavior. Help?
  6. Hi, Tungsten. My boyfriend knows that I like women, as I have identified as bisexual for years. He doesn't know about my thoughts that I may like women exclusively, as I know that would make him uncomfortable. He has expressed his discomfort at the thought of my past history with women multiple times, and I know that experimenting with women (even if he is involved) is out of the question because he is completely uncomfortable with the idea. He considers it infidelity. I thought that I could be happy with him, but I'm beginning to question that idea, even though he is a wonderful boyfriend. It's been almost three years, and it's still difficult for me to bring myself to say I love him, and I have doubts that I love him. I'm not sure if it's because I might be a lesbian or because of my past experience with him and other men. Thank you for your advice, Tungsten, I truly appreciate it. Other responses and advice would also be appreciated.
  7. I think that I'm a lesbian. I've thought this for a long time. The only problem is that I have a boyfriend, whom I've been with for years and I care deeply about. But, in my heart, I think that I'm a lesbian. I have no idea what to do or how to confirm my thoughts. I don't want to throw away a good relationship if I'm wrong and I'm not a lesbian. But if I am, I don't want to spend my life with a man whom I cannot love. I don't know what I should do. Can anyone help? I'd appreciate any advice.
  8. What do you do when you cross your own personal boundaries in a relationship? Lately, I'm having trouble respecting my personal boundaries (rules that I've established) with regards to my partner. Lately, I've done things to him that I wouldn't allow anyone to do to me, and while he's very forgiving, I haven't forgiven myself. I feel like a terrible hypocrite, and I want to do something to stop crossing a line that I've drawn. It happens when I'm upset, angry. I used to be so good at handling my anger and maintaining respectfulness. But lately, it's so hard to stop giving into the anger when I get upset and I don't know what to do. I hate feeling like a hypocrite, and I certainly don't want to keep disrespecting my partner by not honoring personal boundaries. To note, these are my personal boundaries. They are things that I've realized I'm not okay with, not necessarily my partner's boundaries. But either way, I want to treat him fairly. If I don't allow someone to do these things to me, I don't want to allow myself to do those things to others. And although he has forgiven me, like I mentioned, I'm still not okay with what I've done and what I'm having trouble with not doing. What do I do? How do I deal with crossing my own personal boundaries? I know how to deal with others crossing my line, but I don't know what to do when I cross my own line in my treatment of others. Please help?
  9. Twilight Sky - I know. Damnlag - Thank you for your help. I'm open with him, so he is aware of the issue, and I made sure to let him know that it's not his fault. I was hoping for more options in addition to thinking good things, or techniques to help me think good things (since I do sometimes struggle with it). But thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.
  10. You're right, Kabuto. I do often feel guilty for having emotional issues. Your reply was very helpful, and I will definitely take some time to answer those questions. Hopefully, they'll help me gain more insight. Thank you so much for your advice, I greatly appreciate it! Does anyone have any additional advice--particularly on how to stop associating my boyfriend with the anxiety/negative feelings? It's like my brain has subconsciously connected him as the cause of my anxiety, so now even though he's not doing anything wrong, just being around him or him contacting me often triggers the anxiety. I think the fact that I've been upset around him so often has led my brain to subconsciously (and falsely) equate him as the root of the anxiety, so when he comes around, my brain just tells me that I need to get away. I hate feeling this way. Associating my boyfriend with the anxiety is the one thing I really wanted to avoid. So does anyone have any advice on how to break this negative connection or experience in a similar situation? Thank you!
  11. I hear all the time that if you're happy in your relationship, that if you're happy with your partner, then it's worth staying with that person and working things out with them. But I'm not happy. I'm anxious most of the time and I get upset over little things. But most of these bad feelings aren't caused by things my partner is doing currently. Currently, as far as relationships and partners go, my partner has been wonderful to me. I couldn't ask for him to treat me better if I tried. But I still get anxious and upset; most of these bad feelings, as far as I know, stem from past issues, past bad relationships, and my own negative thoughts. But the things is, I get upset so often around my partner, that I've started to connect him with these bad feelings. Even though nothing is wrong and he's not doing anything bad, I still feel bad and tense, as if he might as well be doing horrible things. So, I don't know if I can consider my relationship happy if I'm not too often happy around my partner (even if he doesn't directly cause the unhappiness). I want to be happy, but I can't say I am and it's so upsetting. He's a great person, he cares so deeply for me, and I can't even bring myself to be certain of how I feel for him. And since I'm not happy, I'm starting to doubt that we should even be together, that it's even worth working through the bad feelings. If I can't be happy with someone who's basically doing everything right (which I'd say my partner is), then what's the point of even trying? The unhappiness feeds my doubts. It makes me doubt that I actually care for him. It makes me doubt that we should be together at all. It makes me doubt that this relationship is worth staying in. It makes me doubt the good times that I have with my partner, like I wasn't actually happy during those time. It makes me doubt that I genuinely want to be with him, that I'm not just forcing myself to stick it out with him just because he cares for me and I don't want to break his heart. It makes me doubt everything and it's becoming hard for me to maintain hope that there's an end to the anxiety, that things will get better and I will ever actually be able to enjoy being with my partner. Please, help?
  12. I want to sincerely thank everyone for their replies and advice! I did read everything you guys wrote here, but I didn't get a chance to properly respond until now. I also wanted to wait until I saw my therapist again, so I could update everyone on the situation. Girly - I'm not completely sure what kind of therapy technique my therapist uses. I want to say CBT, but I never formally checked with her, so I'll have to ask her because I do agree that it would help to know what type of therapy I'm engaged it. I haven't discussed in length going back to basics with my therapist, but I did briefly ask if I could begin recording our sessions again, which is something that greatly helped me before. I'm also trying to be more forward and ask for clarification when she gives me "homework," which is something that I didn't really do before. So, it's not exactly going back to basics, but it's a step in the right direction, I think. Fizzle - I've been with my current therapist for years, and she's the only one I've seen, so honestly her therapy is the only one that I've exoerienced. I did see a psychiatrist briefly last year, but that was more for medication management than anything else. When I'm in a better mood, I do think therapy is generally more helpful. It has provided me with guidance for a long time now, and I am hesitant to quit therapy because I'm worried that I might fall off my path to recovery. makemesmile - Thank you for your help! I've never tried hypnosis, but I have heard that it can be very helpful. Have you tried hypnosis? If so, how was yor experience with it? I'm going to research into it more, but I am interested in it and people's experiences. Sheepwoman - I've actually thought that, too. I've considered the idea that maybe she just doesn't know how to help me at this point, which would be unfortunate, as I've established a relationship with her. I've considered asking her honestly, if she no longer knows how to help me as a therapist, but I'm not sure how to bring the subject without it coming off as rude or insulting. I've also heard good things about DBT, but I also heard that it was good for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, so I just figured it wouldn't suit me. I'll definitely research into it more now, along with other types of therapy. As for what to do with my therapy now, I'm not sure, honestly. While the last session I had with my therapist was helpful and she did provide me with good advice, I'm still unsure of what my goals with therapy are for the long-term. And I think that's what would help me, or at least point me in a better direction: developing a plan for my long-term therapy goals. My therapist has suggested it before, but I've never actually done it because I'm not even sure of how a "therapy plan" would look. Does anyone have any advice or experience with plans for therapy? Has anyone else's therapist asked them to develop a plan for their goals? Thank you all again for everything!
  13. Hi, okiedokie. I complete agree with you. After experiencing so much abuse in past relationships (and at such a young age), I can honestly say that I'm still trying to un-learn old, unhealthy habits and teach myself what love is, what a healthy relationship is, what is acceptable and unacceptable, etc. And I do think a large part of my anxiety comes from not trusting myself to make anymore--not trusting myself to know what's best for me, to not make poor decisions, to even be okay at the end of it all. And I think, at this point, I definitely do struggle to accept the idea that I deserve happiness, that I can be involved in a happy, healthy, lasting relationship with someone who wants me, who cares for me. Even thinking about it now, it's a concept that's so difficult for me to imagine for myself. So, yeah, I agree with you. I think a large part of my issues are rooted in a lack of self-trust and self-love. But the thing is, I don't know how I would even begin to help myself. I don't know how to love and trust myself more or to be more confident. I have no idea how I would even begin to change my views and believe that I can find genuine happiness. So if anyone has any suggestions or advice on how to do that, on how to gain self- confidence and believe in the idea that I deserve happiness, I would greatly appreciate it. And thank you so much again for your advice, okiedokie, I really appreciate it.
  14. Just a correction: I meant to say I was met with "very little empathy as a child," not "sensitivity."
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