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Everything posted by myra_viveash

  1. That sounds like a really rough situation, and sounds like you are doing what you can at this point, then. :( Perhaps there is a charitable organization that can help you if you explain your situation to them (especially if you wind up losing your apartment, though it sounds like your roommate is also depending on you if you are paying bills for both of you). I have heard of people in my neighborhood who were helped by local churches, etc. when they were in emergencies and their living situation was precarious.
  2. Sounds like you may need to prioritize bills to pay only what is absolutely necessary. I am not great at this as I haven't had to do it, but I have been very close to people who spent much of their life doing just that. From what I understand, housing is prioritized over other utilities, electric, phone, etc. I wouldn't worry about paying people back who have helped you until your situation is more stable, though I understand it's a matter of pride in wanting to repay that. You may be able to save money on food and eat healthier by making things like soup or smoothies, etc. if you are not able to chew. Say you make some pureed soups once a week and put some in the freezer you can then just heat them up or bring them to work in a thermos. I think that will really help save money vs. eating out.
  3. Sorry for making assumptions about your politics. I try to stay civil about it regardless of where anyone is in terms of their thinking, but the atmosphere right now is really divisive. I would hesitate to recommend it, but could you consider taking out a payday loan just to get your rent paid for the month while you figure something out? Maybe talk to your roommate and try to find out whether they will definitely ask you to leave if you don't have all of your rent. If you're having a hard time paying your share of the rent, perhaps you need to look at your spending and see if there is any way to save money you haven't considered, and/or if you may need to look for a cheaper apartment.
  4. I'm in the US, too, and even though I gather I am on the opposite end of the political spectrum, I agree that there's definitely a gap in social services right where (I assume) you are financially - technically above the poverty line for a single man, but not poor enough to qualify for whatever limited help is available, which mainly goes to families here. I believe that there should be more help for childless people who are working but struggling with affording the basics, too. It really disincentivizes taking any job you can when you are penalized for doing that and not helped anymore.
  5. Sorry to hear about the unfairness you have to deal with at work. My fiance also works a retail job and seeing the difference between his store, and another store in the area, it seems like the management really makes a difference in whether the atmosphere at work is tolerable and fair or not. I do hope you are able to take the job with the competitor, and hopefully get a pay increase and a better work environment. Not sure where you are located, but if you are not able to afford your rent, perhaps you can qualify for some temporary assistance from your state government? I think if you become homeless they will be able to help.
  6. It depends on what you're interested in, so I am not sure, but for example, I have gone to various clubs listed on sites like Meetup. For example, there are clubs for gaming, outdoor activities, book clubs, language clubs, community service clubs, etc. Do you live in a small town or rural area? If so, it may be harder to meet people because there will naturally be fewer people available, and you indeed may have to travel farther to find a club you can join. Also in that case, if you have the ability, you might consider moving to a larger town or small city to give yourself more options for dating as well as careers,
  7. I dreamt that my mom had some issue on her body (maybe a tumor) and was asking me to look at it to tell her if I thought she should get it checked out. It involved her taking her clothes off, but my mind kindly censored most of that. :)
  8. Regarding reducing self-blame, I've had luck by thinking of myself as a friend. It sounds silly, but when you are critical of yourself, just imagine that you have a friend who is going through the same thing you are. Would you say the same things to your friend that you are saying to yourself? If not, then you should probably go easier on yourself :)
  9. Just wanted to say this analogy really helped me, morecoffee. It's a simple visual, and true (I like to garden when I feel up to it). Ethan, sorry to hear you are in pain now, but like the others have said, it is likely all those emotions and pain that were dulled by the depression now being able to be expressed. I'm not quite where you are, but have also had dysthymia and can relate to the idea that while it sucks, it becomes comfortable, because you know what to expect. Having to experience a lot of emotion is probably weird and maybe you're not sure how to process / deal with it anymore. I hope to get to where you are soon. I tried acupuncture in the past for another ailment, but didn't really experience any alleviation of my depressive symptoms. Maybe the treatment is specific to depression, though. Just wanted to say good luck to you and I hope that you continue to make forward progress.
  10. Well, personally, I have been asked out by men in many locations. Twice in a grocery store I can think of, for example. But I think it's better to approach someone you know from another setting where they're not quite an absolute stranger, but you each know a little bit about each other. If you say you don't know anyone besides at work, then you should probably join some groups or clubs based on your interests to meet people. Then if you start talking with a woman at such a club you already have something in common and it will appear much less creepy if you ask her to go out sometime.
  11. Thanks for the sympathy - I still have a few things to try before I give up on having kids (but not many, and not much time). Thanks for not giving me specific advice, though - I have heard and thought of it all :) Regarding the envy - I have had to basically train my brain to ignore it and replace envious thoughts when I am aware of them with ones about what I can do in my specific case. But when all else fails (like when my ex has a baby with his new wife) I just give in and ask my fiance to bring me big milkshake and fries. It's okay to feel bad for yourself sometimes and acknowledge that you don't have what you want, but I find it's helpful to set a limit on wallowing and then get back to trying to do something productive about the problem.
  12. Well, my fiance is sort of a late bloomer in many regards - he just turned 33 and I'm 41, and he's only been working full time for a year now; he finally took a retail job that doesn't use his degree because he was sick of sitting around with no money and not contributing to the household. My fiance also just applied for his first credit card. He's never rented an apartment on his own, either. People I know have given me crap for being with him when he was unemployed and unable to contribute because they didn't understand why I would be with someone I had to support financially. But it was my decision, and he was contributing to the household and to my life in other ways that I valued (cooking, chores, emotional support, etc.). But, his best friend is the same age, and has just in the past year or two started to achieve a lot of the things most people have already done years ago: he's gotten his driver's license, gotten his first job, etc. My fiance's not sure if his friend is still a virgin or not, he's gone on a few dates in the past but nothing happened, but recently he's been meeting and hanging out with more women via his friends, so he may have been intimate with a woman. And he's not a bad guy, he's average looking now that he has lost some weight, probably average in intelligence. The fact that he still lives with his parents is working against him, but he's been saving up money and maybe he'll get his own place soon. My point is just that some people achieve milestones much later in life than others. When you know you are in this group in some aspect (in your case, having a relationship), it doesn't help you to compare yourself to average people. Like I mentioned in another thread, I'm 41 and can't have kids. I've done a bunch of stuff hardly anyone has to do and still haven't had any luck. I've never been pregnant. I don't know if I ever will be. Do I get upset when I see people get pregnant unintentionally (so called, "Oops" pregnancies)? Yes, I do, if I let myself think about it and compare myself to them. But I know I'm not like those people. I have a problem that may never be corrected. I know it's natural to be envious, but I think you should try to refocus yourself when you find yourself envying people because they have something you don't. All it does is make you angry and upset - I know this from my own experience and pain, even though mine is based on a different life milestone than yours. Instead, it's more productive to try to figure out how to achieve what you want, how to improve yourself. Compare yourself to yourself, and reward yourself for making efforts in the right direction.
  13. Hi Brandonb123 - welcome to DF. I have been here on and off (mostly off) for like 10 years, but am trying to contribute more lately. I relate to what you are saying, and I agree that in a sense, everything is pointless. Have you ever read the existentialists like Sartre or Camus? It's true that we need to create our own meaning, but I think for those of us who are not religious (me, too), it can be difficult because we know any meaning we choose is our choice (i.e., in some ways it is "fake" and random). I think part of the problem, though, is our expectations and assumptions. Why does there have to be a point? Why are we "better" than other animals? I'm pretty sure my cats and dogs aren't sitting around wondering what the point of it all is. I've been trying to accept that I get this one life (at least, that is what I assume), with so much time before I naturally become ill and die, and I can choose to fill it in whatever way I want., taking into consideration that I need to do what I have to to provide for my basic needs for survival. Some decisions, like trying to improve my mental and physical health, may give me some more time (though it's not certain) and may make me feel better day to day while I am here. Now that I am getting older and have less life to live, I am thinking more carefully and often about how I want to spend it. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to work all the time, because I am aware of how much of my life is spent on that, but it helps that I feel like the organization I work for is doing good things, which I am indirectly contributing to. But do I beat myself up when I watch too much TV, or decide to eat junk food? I have, but really, there's no point because it's done and over. The only things we can improve are our actions in the future, so we should try to focus on that, learning from our past mistakes. I guess my point is, if you don't have religious faith, yes, your life and mine and my dogs' and cats' and plants and etc.'s lives are pointless, but so what? They are our lives to live as we want. I think what is sadder than living a pointless life is living a life you don't want to be living, when you could live one that is more to your liking. I'm trying to figure this one out myself, too.
  14. Congrats and good luck on the job! Remember to just take everything in one step at a time. The first few days can be exciting but overwhelming at any new job because there's usually a lot to learn.
  15. I think you should reconsider what your expectations are, and what you think you can reasonably achieve. When I feel envious of others' lives because they have things I can't have, I try to think about the things that I have in my life that many others around the world don't have. And then I try to think of ways to be more appreciative of what I do have, while continuing to do what I can to make my life better, and work (even if slowly) towards the things I want. I know it's a struggle every day for a lot of us on here, despite our circumstances, what we have or don't have, and what "fun" stuff life decides to throw at us that day. There are times when I feel like I have reached my limit, too, but because I don't believe that there's necessarily anything other than this life I have, I choose to keep going because it's this (which I could potentially improve) or nothing. I feel like maybe you have some expectations that life should be a certain way for everyone, and that everyone should have certain things, but if you look around you'll see many people who have no job, no family, no real way out of the situations they are in. I think it is a matter of perspective and who you are comparing yourself to, and why you are choosing that comparison point. I would argue that, if you want to feel better, you should compare yourself to yourself (and look at your efforts), and to people who are worse off, rather than comparing yourself to those who have more than you, or who have the things you want but do not yet have.
  16. Just chiming in - I don't think you are ugly at all, either, but I have been called both ugly and beautiful by men before (both in person and online). I, too, assume that I am average in looks, and some people seem attracted to me whereas others are not. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, as they say. As someone who has had a profile on online dating sites for decades, I will say I'm not surprised by the stats lonelyforeigner posted, and I agree with his advice. When I look at someone's profile, I prefer to see pictures that give me some sort of clue about what the person I am looking at is interested in, i.e., hobbies, outdoor pics, pictures with pets, etc., because I am trying to figure out what his or her personality is, in addition to looks. I don't think I am atypical of a lot of women in that regard. Yes, looks matter, but other things matter equally or more. I am atypical in that I don't really care about how "successful" a man is (read: how much money he has!), but a lot of women do care about that, especially ones that are more traditional. I would be curious as to who you are messaging. Personally, I have had a lot of men message me who obviously didn't read anything I wrote in my profile about who I am looking for (i.e., not men young enough to be my son or old enough to be my father), or what I am interested in (obviously I'm just looking for sex, right?). I don't choose to respond rudely (normally I just don't respond, which I know frustrates men, but I have tried to respond and the messages usually just go in a downward spiral with them saying I'm a Biotch, so I have learned it's better to just stay silent). I see a lot of average men messaging women who are half their age and model-esque; obviously that's not going to end well. :) But I have male friends who I know are okay guys all around (looks and personality) who have had no luck on dating sites. Maybe try an in-person meeting geared towards hobbies, or try to approach women on dating sites with messages that are based on common interests rather than just focusing on romance right away. Best of luck to you :)
  17. Hi, 20Years - thanks for starting these pinned threads here; I just found them (I've been visiting pretty inconsistently over the past few months). I wouldn't say that agnosticism is an expression of who I am because I don't think that spirituality or lack thereof is a way to express myself, so I guess it's more a conclusion I came to, though I am not sure if it was potentially escapable. Maybe if things had gone differently in my life I would still have some faith. I was raised very loosely Catholic. My parents and grandparents never went to church, except maybe on holidays like Easter or Christmas. I was in Catholic school up until grade 4, though, so that is really how I got my exposure to the Catholic faith. I also had a friend who was Baptist (I think? my memory is fuzzy) and in the summer she did this "vacation bible school" thing, which I went to once or twice with her. So I was also exposed to that, which seemed somehow both less formal and more intense than the Catholic services I attended. When I was very young, I believed everything I was told, and I thought I had a personal relationship with God. But I soon started looking around and finding things that didn't make sense to me. For example, I didn't understand why people would ever disobey the commandments if they knew an all-knowing God was watching them (I was very good and innocent back then...haha). And of course, I didn't understand why God didn't answer prayers and would let bad things happen, etc. So, eventually I think I just came to the conclusion that it was just a story that people made up to make themselves feel like everything made sense. And I still feel that way. I have considered myself an agnostic because as standup says, I also cannot disprove the existence of a god. I lean more atheist now than I used to, but I am still not comfortable saying there's nothing out there because of some early life experiences that I had that made me think maybe there is at least something supernatural (or something we can't perceive with our regular senses). Currently, I am a lapsed UU - I became a UU a few years ago because I felt a lack of a community of people with whom I could discuss spirituality or at least, the bigger things that give life meaning, and I felt that the UUs were doing some good things in the community for social justice, etc. Also, there is at least a subset of members who are humanists (i.e., atheists and agnostics), so I felt comfortable because I was not the only one who did not have religious faith. I still believe in the principles of the UU community and may start attending again once my fiance and I complete our move later this summer.
  18. True - but they do.... In this case I am sure some of it is going to the practice as a whole, paying salaries of underlings and electric bills, and etc. but still...
  19. I've thought about this question a lot before. Also, it's been on my mind recently because I have been watching a lot of a sci-fi show with a similar, though not same, concept. I guess it would depend on whether it was me from another universe, or the same universe? Am I an exact copy of the me I am meeting, or is it a me separated in time (older / younger self). I'd love to give advice to my younger self, for example, or talk to my older self and see if I will eventually figure things out. If it's the copy scenario, then I'm sure we could at least find a way to help each other out (i.e, sharing workload or other responsibilities). Not sure we'd be very exciting company for each other since we'd basically be the same person and already know what each other would think, say, etc. Maybe I could sing in harmony with myself. That would be cool. :)
  20. Wow. Wish I was making that kind of money. I hope that is what they billed insurance and not you. Was this just a normal appointment?
  21. Thanks for your comment, gandolfication. I think you are generally right about non-profits. I remember I decided very deliberately to move into the non-profit sector from an admin position in academia (after a miserable year as an adjunct professor at a community college - definitely not for me). I was looking for a position preferably with an environmental organization, but also applied to various organizations in the human services sector. I didn't really have specialized experience, so I was just looking for an admin position at a non-profit. And I had interviewed for a few and was made two offers in the end. One was with my current organization and the other was with Planned Parenthood. I decided I preferred my current organization as it's in the environmental field, and I have a strong interest in the environment and wanted my work to support an environmental mission. There are definite pros to the less cutthroat and more collaborative culture of a non-profit. However, with my depression and feelings of inadequacy the mission focus can be bit of a double-edged sword in that when I am not able to do what I feel I should in terms of productivity, I feel extra guilty because I feel like I am "taking away" from our important mission, even if just a tiny bit. Thank you for your kind words about me (countering what I said about myself). I know I am perhaps extra harsh on myself and I need to try to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. I wanted to wish you good luck with your new position, and I hope that it leads to even better things for you. :)
  22. I agree with what geenee1 said about writing being helpful if you need to get the emotions out and try to deal with them, especially if they are things you have been holding on to for a while (whether ruminating about them, or just trying to push them down and ignore them (bottling) but they don't really ever go away). Teddy545 - I think I get what you are saying about "riding the wave" of emotions - I have done CBT which I guess is similar to DBT, and I try to "tune in" to my stream of thoughts and emotions, but maintain a little distance so there is a "me" separate from what is going through my head, if that makes any sense. I sometimes get stuck with certain emotions, especially over things that have upset me in the past that I can't really do anything about at this point, but I can't "let go" either. I think it's because it's hard for me to accept certain things. For example, my ex-husband left me 5 years ago, and there are still some emotions I have regarding that that are hard for me to deal with. I can put them away for a while, but when I think about them, they will resurface even though they are much duller than they were closer to the time it happened. Getting back to what Bryson is asking about - are these emotions related to things happening day to day, or things that happened a longer time ago? Are they things you feel you should be addressing with people but are bottling up to spare others' feelings, etc. (not that I'm suggesting confronting them is always helpful or the best idea)? Or do you just have to do that to get through your day because you have a lot of reactions to things happening to / around you that would otherwise prevent you from functioning?
  23. Hi SlothD - I generally have similar symptoms to you. I think I felt fairly normal (or more normal) as a child - I remember feeling excited about things and having energy. But when I reached about 12 or 13, I guess I became aware that I was depressed (I have long term low grade depression, dysthymia - I guess they are now calling it PDD). That has continued for me, getting a little better at times and a little worse at others, up until now (I'm 41). I think it is good that you can at least make yourself eat healthy and go to the gym. At least you are doing the right things for your body. But it's possible that medication will help you experience more excitement, emotion and energy in your every day life. I'm currently not on meds, but I know a lot of people are helped by them and I do consider going back on them at some point (for me, some of the ones I've been on have only limited effect with some unpleasant side effects). If you really feel that you have been this way your whole life, then it is possible you are just misunderstanding how other people experience life (i.e., normal people)? I know, I used to believe other people were much happier and more energetic than I am, but now it seems like most people are only a few degrees "above" me in that regard, if it makes sense. Sure there are super-happy, super-motivated, energetic people, but I feel they are outliers, kind of like depressed people are outliers on the other side of the bell curve. So personally, my goal is to try to push myself more toward the middle, but I don't think I'll ever get to be super-happy, optimistic, energetic, etc. I have found that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps me in part because it helps me to recognize both when I am being unrealistic about the world / others, and when I am being unfair / too harsh towards myself. I had this undercurrent of criticism in my own brain that CBT helped me to finally take notice of, and at least it has helped me to accept myself and where I am and not feel as bad about myself all the time even if I still have a long way to go. Not sure if it might help you to tune in to your inner thoughts as they might be bringing you down subconsciously.
  24. I put "other" for the poll on this question. I've been working full time with the same non-profit organization for about 10 years now, which is a milestone that I never thought I would be able to reach. So, from an external point of view, I am a "functional" depressive. But, I know that my depression hampers me every day in my job and I imagine what I would have been able to do without it. For the past 3.5 years or so I have worked out of my home office. I think this has helped me to keep my job because I basically just have to make it out of bed and get to my computer, sign in to Skype and at least answer a few emails and attend a few meetings by phone every day. So, the bar is kind of low and my lack of concentration, motivation and interest aren't really as much of an impediment in this position. I'm not often able to put in what I would consider a decent effort and I often get distracted (like right now). I feel guilty about that every day, that I am not putting in 100%, but I guess what I am able to do is good enough that my colleagues and supervisor don't really notice. Or at least, I assume they generally don't. I always dread the day that they find out that I'm not always on task. I know people working in an office or other setting are often wasting time, too, but the need to prove you're not doing that is greater when you work at home because I think people assume there's more ability to slack off (and if I am honest, there probably is). Unfortunately, once you get into this mode where your motivation is in the toilet, your concentration sucks, and anything that is not urgent starts getting put off for another day, all that non-urgent stuff piles up and you think to yourself that you should be dealing with it, but again, you don't even know where to start, and you no longer have a feeling of accomplishment even when you do get things done. Even though I still believe in what my organization does, and I am not yet in "trouble" for my lack of achievement / motivation, if retiring / walking away was affordable (both financially and in terms of my healthcare), I would seriously consider it because it sucks to feel every day like you're just a drain on everyone else who is working hard. I know I am incredibly lucky to be in the position I am in, too, as many people have bosses breathing down their necks at jobs that suck and have really unfair conditions and expectations. But knowing that just makes me feel worse that I can't do a better job, and that this illness has turned me into a weak freeloader, of sorts. :(
  25. I can relate - having no friends sucks. Just turned 41 and I no longer have any friends, other than people I know online. I do have a fiance (I know that makes me lucky), and we're friends of a sort, but although we love each other, in a lot of ways we don't really understand / relate to each other (at least, I feel that way). I miss having friends I can go hang out with. I did have a few close friends at various times in my life, but when I move I find it hard to make new friends. And when I get depressed I tend to withdraw socially, so that makes it even worse.
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