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bisous

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  1. i can't my tablets are 300mg and i can't break or crush them. i'm seeing a psychiatrist or meant to be some time soon and i am hoping to sort it out with him then. i'm deeply skeptical of medication and i dont want to take it unless i see a VERY good reason to especially if it is literally disabling.
  2. caffeine really helps me when depressed. although i can drink cups and cups of it and it doesn't keep me up or anything. i honestly can't tolerate it for even a week. it's horrible. that would mean like not eating for a week.
  3. from your post i can deduce you're in the UK right? you can see a psychiatrist more urgently if you go to accident and emergency or call your local Home Treatment Team who can come to your house or you can go and visit them where they are based. I think given what you've said here about the severity of both your depression and your mania, they would definitely be willing to see you. Do it asap. Good luck. xxx
  4. on the other hand the thing that makes me think it wasn't normal is well it wasn't normal! who does 5 hours sleep a night because i don't??? i don't talk that fast and go off on that many tangents- not QUITE that fast or that many anyway. i'm not even hostile and mean towards psychiatrists, i had no patience for anyone or anything. like i don't have patience for them at the best of times but i am usually able to present a polite and repressed version of myself to people. and the thoughts and songs in my head while i slept. NOT NORMAL. at the same time.... really?!?! :( also i did drink a lot of caffeine but actually not really any more than i usually drink so that can't be it either. also i hadn't had any drugs at all apart from caffeine in the week before it began. no quetiapine. so hmmmm. oh dear.
  5. lol without giving an excess background story. just a HUGE essay. thank you to anyone who reads the whole thing.
  6. hello without giving an excess of background story, i've been diagnosed with "depression" for a while. the last time it got really bad was a few months ago when i was in russia, when i barely ate, had really bad insomnia (sometimes not sleeping at all) and began to feel as though i was already dead or a ghost or had begun to be out of phase with the rest of the world somehow (although i don't think these were delusions - just sort of "feelings"). i would think of suicide a lot and come close to attempting a few times. anyway i went to the doctor in russia and they prescribed me trazodone and phenzepam (sleeping tablet) which seemed to make my mood swing worse between suicidality and sort of frantic agitation (i bought 3 coats out shopping once even though i didn't really need any of them) and eventually i decided to go back to the UK where i actually live. that day that i decided to do that i suddenly felt my mood swing up again and i went out by myself, drank and took some of my tablets recreationally and was generally very excitable and euphoric. when i got back it was 2am but i wasn't tired despite hardly sleeping the night before and having had lots of CNS depressants and was thinking about going out again, but my room mate got annoyed and i got annoyed with her and so i woke up everyone in the hotel we were in by banging on all the doors and shouting. then i started to pack my stuff and booked a flight for the next day. someone unfortunately called the russian paramedics and they decided to tranquilise me. anyway long story short i was back in the UK. still sort of suicidal and depressed and irritable and slightly on the paranoid side ("everyone wants me to die" etc... but again, i would say this expressing a sort of feeling, i don't think it was a delusion because i would be vaguely aware of the silliness of the idea. sort of.) but things worked out over the next few weeks apart from a few blips (one of those blips being a botched suicide attempt but still). now the last three weeks. OKAY. a week ago, after a two-week depression, i woke up thursday morning having gone to bed at about 2 at about 6.30 am. very unlike me. the days before had been the worst for the depression so far, staying in bed all day, sleeping to avoid crying, suicidal thoughts etc. but i woke up in the morning and after a few mins of grogginess, the fog sort of cleared and i felt very awake. i felt more energized than usual, more excitable, just BETTER. i went out to do stuff, to find stuff to do. i searched out people to speak to. i sat with my friend and some of his friends i'd never met before. they found me a bit odd, as i would cycle between hyper, irritated and depressed every 10 or so minutes. laughing excessively at my own jokes, going off on little rant tangents about people who'd wronged me, picking discussions with people, accusing random people of discussing me. etc etc. but at any rate, i felt increasingly that irritability and rage began to define my mood at the time. in the end i called my ex, who refuses to speak to me anymore since january because of my verbal anger outbursts (:(), i was really agitated and upset because i'd seen he was planning a birthday party. so i asked if i could go. he said "er no". but i didn't have any verbal outbursts i was quite controlled imo. anyway the phone call ended and i was even more agitated and confused and angry, pacing around the room planning to go to his house or his friend's house just because i needed something to do with myself. so i called my other friend and he convinced me to go to the hospital instead. at the hospital after a looooong wait they gave me a sleeping tablet and told me to come back the next day. they irritated me too. i noticed, as i'm sure they did, that i was very talkative. you don't realise how talkative you actually are and how much you feel the need to talk until someone is there having a conversation with you. so i went back the next day. i woke up at 8.30 having gone to bed at about 1 or something. better. i felt still somewhat sedated from the zopiclone when i got to the hospital. sort of quietly sad. the psychiatrist i saw wanted me to try sertraline. this made me feel annoyed for some reason. i don't like SSRIs, although i've taken citalopram before. i felt no one had provided me with a satisfactory explanation as to why i should take an SSRI. anyway i decided to make a big scene about it. so a manager came and spoke to me and i argued with him and was hostile etc (who wouldn't be at some random who'd just said i need therapy and i have a personality disorder as a weapon to get me to be meek??????) anyway then i waited for a consultant. i began to feel more euphoric again rather than irritable. i was still overtalkative when i met the consultant. he said i was hypomanic and gave me quetiapine. this is when it gets a bit more complicated because what is the quetiapine and what is the POSSIBLE hypomania? i was told to take 300mg the first night and 600mg after. 300mg knocked me out for 12 hours a night and made me basically useless, i couldn't do anything. so i decided to just take 300mg rather than 600 as i feared that would be even worse. in the evenings i could feel the effects wearing off and i'd feel MUCH better - i don't know if it was normal better or hypomanic better though! i have no idea anymore :( after two nights of this i decided that too was intolerable, so on monday evening i decided i wouldn't take it. i stayed up until 2 as usual and woke up 4 or 5 hours later, feeling driven and euphoric, getting lots of stuff done in one day. that night again i decided not to take it, slept for 4 hours again. during this time i made only one or two reckless purchases - i bought a couple of tickets for nights out, one of which is tonight, assuming i would go to them when i most likely wouldn't have. i also bought a bag to hold my vinyl (and the vinyl itself i think i bought at this time). i decided to get into glitch, techno and breakbeat and spent a lot of time downloading (this didn't cost me anything though....). i also tried to get into contact with a few men i hadn't spoken to. however while my mind would rush through the day, and even when i went to sleep it felt like i wasn't sleeping because songs and thoughts would whizz through my head, it was like i was awake the whole time still, my body still felt it. when i woke up the second day i could sort of feel that my body was tired but my mind wasn't, my eyes would sting a bit but i'd go on anyway. and sometimes any muscle aches would disappear with a new burst of a pervading sense of euphoria. a couple of other things i would associate with this time - the eyes of anyone looking into the camera in advertisement posters etc would take on an uncanny sort of significance, direct orders (like for traffic) would as well. not a direct, concrete significance, i would just feel a certain "uncanny" feeling. also i would eat fast. it's odd because as i don't have any work or a job or anything i tend to feel i lack things to do, but now i would always have something to do. anyway that afternoon i felt i'd "come down" a bit so to speak, and i went back home, my body feeling heavier, and had a nap for an hour or two, although still with the sense that id been sort of awake the whole time. i thought i was back to normal but again i could feel the irritability and sense of purpose rising when my mother rang me about something (which on the other hand could be perfectly normal!) i decided to take the medicine. it knocked me out again, but the next day the euphoria seemed to break through it, so that i felt sort of sedated and muted but also i cleaned my room, did the laundry, cooked etc, completed with a sense of wellbeing and pleasant gorgeousness. that evening i prepared to go out, but i felt rather down, oddly, for the first time. i decided to take 600mg as i was supposed to. NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN. i slept for 16 hours and was useless for another 2. no euphoria but i think that was over anyway. what makes me think that i wasn't hypomanic - the sense that my body still felt it missed the sleep even if my mind wouldn't switch off, i didn't have any TOTALLY unrealistic plans or make HUGE dents in my bank account. i'm not sure what to do. i can't tolerate the quetiapine it's absolutely awful. what do i do? because the quetiapine sort of interfered when i was in the middle of it, does that change the nature of things? did it cause the stuff that happened on tuesday and wednesday? because overall you might say i had thurs+fri+mon(evening)+tues+wed = 5 days of hypomania = "hypomanic episode". but, like, really? REALLY?! i find this difficult to believe. i found it more difficult to believe before tbh but i guess with the thing that happened in russia etc... it's hard to know what would be "me" and what would be "illness". also REALLY/!?!?!?!?!
  7. a lack of motivation can be just that, a lack of motivation. why do you think medication is the solution to this lack of motivation? maybe the solution is social or political. there is no need for an experience to be a symptom. schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder that consists of much more than avolition. you might only have negative symptoms like a loss of pleasure, sociability and feeling, or partial evidence of thought disorder like alogia (seriously restricted speech) etc. you might have disorganized psychotic symptoms like stereotyped gestures, catatonia, inappropriate affect or disorganized speech (word salad). most commonly you might have hallucinations and/or delusions. if your only symptom is a lack of motivation, you do not have schizophrenia. loss of motivation is part of the profile of the schizophrenia prodrome, but the prodromal symptom profile is not 100% predictive of schizophrenia and can look a lot like other disorders without other risk factors like family history of schizophrenia (includes depression, anxiety, social withdrawal etc etc). equally depression consists of more than a loss of motivation - at least one of marked depressed mood and/or anhedonia (lost of interest or pleasure in everday activities), and also generally sleep and appetite disturbances, guilt, worthlessness, mood swings or the absence of emotional feeling. depression is much more common than schizophrenia (about ten to 20 times more common), but can also uncommonly feature psychotic symptoms. but to cut along story short, you can basically characterise schizophrenia as a psychotic disorder and depression as a mood disorder. UNLESS you have psychotic symptoms, you do not have schizophrenia, but psychotic symptoms do not entail that you have schizophrenia; you might have another disorder altogether, or no disorder whatsoever (psychotic experiences are not as rare as is commonly thought).
  8. fluvoxamine (Luvox) or desvenlafaxine (Pristiq) might be a better bet than others, but out of all antidepressants, bupropion (Wellbutrin) and mirtazapine (Remeron) are pretty much the only ones that don't [cause a drop in libido].
  9. you're right i suppose, i have an appointment with the pdoc in just over a week though so he might re-evaluate the meds then (he didn't personally choose to up the dose even that was a GP and not even MY GP [sO ANGRY]). i realllllllly hope it calms down soon though. :< i am meant to be going on a year abroad in a couple months too and it's like I NEED to sort my depression out before then and i need to be doing reading for my dissertation but i can't cos im too D*** tired :( ok i will stop moaning now
  10. hi, thanks for the reply. i'm not sure how ready my docs would be to prescribe a sleep aid (i know we can't really go and ask our doctors for prescriptions in the UK), and as i know it's the citalopram maybe it would be better to try a different antidepressant? especially as citalopram is not helping my mood. equally i was wondering if a better antidepressant to try might be bupropion cos it is energizing and i have problems with fatigue (not just because of this), but again, can't really make suggestions... plus i seem to be having problems with initial and middle insomnia now because of this (yayyy...) and i do not want to try mirtazapine (seems to be popular over here) because, again, don't want to be falling asleep all day any more than i am... i COULD take bupropion with citalopram and that could work, but again, shrink knows best. if i were to be prescribed something to help me sleep zolpidem would probably be better than say a benzodiazepine (history of intentional benzodiazepine overdose and recreational use [although the pdoc only knows about the overdose])... :(
  11. i have been taking citalopram for about 3 months now. i started on 10mg and noticed few side effects and some transient improvement. around three weeks ago my dose was upped to 20mg and since then my sleep has become more erratic and i have needed more sleep (where i would regularly get between 6-8 hours these days i get 11 every other day and at least 8, interspersed with nights of extreme difficulty falling/staying asleep). i have put this mainly down to the great increase in dreams and dream recall over the past couple of weeks also. i will have a number of quite elaborate dreams every night and remember a lot of them in great detail, often waking up unsure as to what has actually happened and what was a dream. the dream content is usually closely related to things that have concerned me in the day or immediately in bed, but not always. waking up i will feel totally unrested and fatigued as well as confused due to all the dream images getting confused with daytime images. in addition i've had an increase in illusions, thinking random inanimate objects are animate and moving or different to what they are, as well as the odd strange happening such as the time when i looked at the person i was in bed with and his face looked dead for a split second, which freaked me out but i thought it was probably to do with my anxiety in this regard (i worry a lot that things i am experiencing are not real, esp. because of this whole dream thing. so i think a lot of the illusions are just the result of hypervigilance and an overactive imagination) i thought this was subsiding after a while but it seems not. the night before last i was so sleepy by about 3pm i had to go home and had a 3 hour nap despite sleeping 8 hours the night before. LAST night i had awful insomnia, interspersed with restless sleep and what i believe were definitely hypnagogic/hypnapompic hallucinations, which i have never had before. i went back to sleep in the morning because i was so tired but remembered them in the afternoon. i was lying in bed awake with my eyes open and able to move (so not sleep paralysis) and weird light formations moved across my eyes, as well as this peacock feather. i also either dreamed or hallucinated a body lying on my legs and then woke up and sat up to the feeling of the weight still on my legs and the dip in the covers where the body should be, but no body. also possibly hallucinated a knock on the door, but that could have been real (but for some reason didn't sound real??) anyway the content of the hallucinations isn't REALLY important because i know they are relatively common but my main concern is that they seem obviously connected to all the sleep disruptions i have been having. i went back to the GP the other day because of the vivid dreams, excess dreaming, daytime sleepiness and unrestful sleep and she told me to persevere with the meds but i'm not sure i should tbh. i feel increasingly weird and confused and tired and i just want a good night's sleep.........
  12. depression often features diurnal variation (fluctuations throughout the day), although the typical pattern found in melancholic types of depression is worst mood in the morning and improvement in the evening. my mood pattern is often similar to yours, or i feel worst at night. if you are not experiencing any manic/hypomanic elevated mood i wouldn't worry to be honest
  13. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  14. weird day. left the house in a really great mood. stopped at the crossing to wait for the green man, but although he wasn't there, the cars weren't going. the cars stayed stationary long enough for me to cross the road, but i didn't, cos it was a red man. for some reason this made me really anxious and i was worried ppl in the cars and on the street were wondering why i wasn't crossing. it put a downer on EVERYTHING. like i became really uneasy and couldn't enjoy the rest of the walk to the park... ... got to the park... got my work out... couldn't do it... bunch of texts came in indicating i'd let down at least 2 friends before even 2pm! LAAAAAAME. but i soldiered on through the downer and cheered up again when i met up my friend and even got some work done, yayyyyy. then i went to a house party which was pretty awful for me socially, haha. i drank alcohol, BAD ME cos i started meds a few days ago. but not much, not enough to have any noticeable relaxing effects even. got home and proceeded to go on a massive downer with some p. strong SI urges as well, which i haven't had in a while. but i'm ok again now. in short, weird day...
  15. take yesterday vs today as an example. yesterday i woke up feeling refreshed and energetic. i immediately made breakfast of yogurt and oats. immediately after that i took a shower. my room was tidy. i got dressed, did some reading, then procrastinated a lot (woops) before heading off to meet my friends in the afternoon. i got back and procrastinated some more (woops) before going to bed late at night (woops - but only an hour later than i got to sleep the night before). today i woke up feeling crappy. i still haven't brushed my teeth or showered. i ate some leftover crisps so that i could take my pill. i've spent most of the day in bed in dirty clothes... i know i kinda smell (ewww) but no one is around and i can't be bothered to shower...... i cancelled my only engagement so i didnt have to do anything............ i need to go shopping so that i can eat but i never know what to buy anymore, i have no interest in food shopping. i need to revise but i have no motivation to do that either. i need to tidy my room and work but just urgh why why there are bits of broken crisp on my floor urgh everything is awful i'm lying in bed doing nothing. i watched some funny videos but i can't summon up more than a chuckle. it's a really nice day outside but going to the park and enjoying it is effort. in a word, yes. often my energetic periods after a spell of depression are wasted cleaning up all the crap i let build up. THAT SAID to an extent i am quite lazy and disorganised so chucking clothes into a cupboard to get rid of them is also kind of standard practice, because *other things become more important*. but when nothing is important, not even self-care or your work or whatever, that's when it becomes a problem i guess.
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