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allalone6

Silver Member
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About allalone6

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    Silver Member

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    Female
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    Its pretty sad that I could disappear tomorrow and no one would notice

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  1. these last 9 months ive noticed a huge change in me. im sadder. im more aware of what my life actually is rather holding on to the idea of what it could be. ive lived my entire life grasping onto that idea....just to keep me going. and well...my life is never going to go the way my "idea" is and im seeing that now. ive become a lot more reserved....everyone that has wanted to leave my life, ive let them leave with out a fight....im just literally going thru motions of each day. ive gained weight and im struggling to get it off, i feel like this is all i have at this point. no friends, no husband, no kids, not successful, not attractive, not anything, but at least i was skinny...and now im not. i exercise more than in years past. I walk daily but im guessing its stress related or something i feel like such a huge failure, i mean, im proud i was able to get thru all my really bad bouts of depression and suicidal times by giving myself this false hope and idea that my life would eventually be wonderful. but its backfiring in my face. i try to look on the bright side and im thankful for having a job and roof over my head. i just wish my life consisted more of just waking up....going to the office ...and coming home. literally that is it. my only conversations are with my mother and 80% of it is her venting or over reacting about something and me trying to help her. sometimes my daily (or even twice a day) walks do me more harm than good. my mind races when im walking, i think about everything, and play the game of "if my life was like x...what would i be doing right now) and then i pass all these homes with kids outside playing, and pass by families or couples out for walks and i just smile and continue on my solo trek with that fake smile on my face. i miss meaningless chit chat and the private jokes that only you and your friend would understand. the random texts. right now im watching 4 woman in my town common taking group pictures and posing funny and laughing hysterically, it looks like they have been reunited after some time away...perhaps friends..maybe sisters...but their laughing and their bond is so wonderful to see and hard to not watch and stare. Its very sweet to see and at the same time sad to realize i wont ever have that. so where do i go from here? how do i move on and not hurt so much? how do i become comfortable with the silence. how does one adapt? im so under-prepared for this part of my life. and no amount of "google searches" answers my questions. how do i stop holding on to the idea of being a mom, how do i just move on and accept all this? how do i live....and be ok?
  2. so nothing like a good ole weekend with family to reinforce in your little head that you are a loser. We got together for a bridal shower for my cousin who was the only other one in my family like me...almost 40, quiet, reserved and not dating....but yup she is getting married....she is already pregnant and she is beyond happy, and im happy for her, but yes it really hurts my heart. my aunts joked with my little 25 yr old cousin that shes next! im not even thought about...they all gave up on me. as they should. on a separate note, the one person i was hoping to hear from on my bday, not only waited til the end of the day to acknowledge it but that was it. We exchange every year, and this past christmas, she did blow me off about meeting up and also didnt bother getting me a gift (its not about the gift part) I toyed with it in my head about where do i stand with her, are we friends, are we not, did i do something? do i say something? is it in my head? part of me told me to let go and leave her alone, which i have....i dont reach out, but her bday came in march....i sent a present cause i still care about her. her father in law died in april....i sent condolences and sent her daughter a little memory gift. gifts were acknowledged for both occasions....but no convo out side that....as my bday approached, i got anxiety, as i knew this was going to be how i found out if i had a friend or not. i really deep down thought she would send me something for my bday...even just a few flowers or something...but nothing came. At this point i can safely say she is politely trying to say the friendship is over. I will retreat and let the friendship go....however her daughters bday is in a few weeks, do i still get her daughter a gift? I dont want her to think im clinging on but i also dont want her daughter to feel "forgotten" suggestions?? i know life isnt easy for anyone, but i sure feel like mine chose to have quite the most challenging course to keep me on my toes. if im not meant to be a mom, then it is what it is, if im not meant to be a wife, then it is what it is, if im not meant to have friends, then i guess it is what it is, but im scared to enter this level of my life knowing my next 40 years will be alone. I can fake happiness all I want, but I think the loneliness will do me in.
  3. allalone6

    no words

    i know worth isnt based on how others treat you, but at the same time, I lack feeling worthy cause im so alone. no one reaches out to me, no one talks to me, i feel very unliked and unloveable to the point of feeling unworthy. sometimes i lie in bed at night and pray to god to please let my one and only wish in life of being a mom come true, then i downplay it and ask for at least to have someone love me if i dont truly deserve to be a mom, and then i think, if i dont deserve a spouse or companionship could i at least get a friend to talk to once in a blue moon? ive sadly been lying in bed asking of all this for over the past 10 years. perhaps its selfish of me to ask these things of god when there are more deserving individuals. im almost at the point to putting on my online dating profile the scary truth...how i suffer from major depression, for years wished i was dead, and how im alone at 39 and never had any relationship because i have issues, that i got locked up in a mental hospital, that i tend to hide away, that i have no friends, no self esteem, that im not attractive and now am really desperate for companionship. that Im scared to grow old alone. ive lived alone for the past 13 years and its taken its toll on me. so please look past all that baggage and send me a hello... i can literally these past few days feel myself falling apart on the inside and i cant control it. its so frustrating. like i need to be held with loving arms to feel some comfort but sadly my own arms cant help. and i cant share how i feel with anyone. it doesnt help that when i logged on fb this morning...1 person announced the birth of their baby and 2 others announce they were pregnant and in between it all you see everyones adorable little toddlers and kids. and then when i signed into my email....my association sent out an email congratulating two members of their newest little bundles of joy. my heart is completely broken. i try to find a new purpose in life but my thoughts constantly go back to motherhood. i dont see myself ever "getting over" the idea that it wont happen. im going to be haunted of it the rest of my life and as much as i am happy for others it literally hurts my heart everytime i see everyone elses wonderfully little children. anyways...its my bday tomorrow....officially 39...and officially still have nothing in life....heres to another 40 years of solitude....
  4. allalone6

    back at it

    so I stopped writing cause coming here oddly went from a great place for relief to a place that reminds me how sad my life is. When I reread my posts from years earlier and I see how things are the same, it makes me feel worse. so i stopped writing all together. I figured, why have proof of life thats standing still? or getting worse. (yet, here i am, cause thats how pathetic i am) So i swore off everyone in 2019. i decided to stop reaching out and putting myself in a position to be blown off. and as much as that sounded like the best thing to do for my mental health, I have sat here for the past 5 months not hearing from a sole. Turns out I learned, if I didnt make the attempt, no one cared if I was here or not. Ive started getting more involved in my town, volunteering a lot more and getting into town government. Ive made acquaintances...people know my name and say hello, but nothing goes beyond that. its just something to do to fill all my empty voids work is going poorly, being commission based...I have nothing lined up, I thought i had a few clients in my pocket but they all went with other people. im starting to to let everything get to me again. things out of my control, things i cant change, things i know will never happen for me...its been piling up. (hence why i gave back in to writing) loneliness really can do such a number on you. It certainly makes you feel like you suck at life, thats for sure. When you cant even master companionship then there is something wrong with you. so anyways....i guess i just wish work would pick up for me so I dont stress about finances and so im busy and wont have time to focus on the emptiness around me.
  5. tired of my solo life. when i got myself thru my most darkest moments in life when i was younger, i promised myself that life would get better, to hang on, to not give in to the depression, that one day I will look back on all this and smile that i got through it. i really thought life would of turned out different. i never prepared myself for solitude, how does one truly prepare for that? I honestly thought one day id have a family and a reason to live. just going through the motions of the day...going to work...coming home...no friends....solo activities...its...well....very trying. it never crossed my mind when I was younger that i could possibly live a life where i could go days without talking to anyone. i always had it in my head that life would just get better, that nothing could be worse than being a victim stuck inside my own volatile head. but you know what, this lonely life isnt all that much of a step up. i mean, ya...the suicidal thoughts are rare these days, and im not constantly putting myself down as much, and i see situations clearer now, but the sadness is still there....the "not good enough" feeling is still there, and im quite aware of what im missing out on and it hurts. i suppose in the big picture of things this life is better than the previous. but its still not great, but i guess i shouldnt complain or whine and be grateful
  6. allalone6

    2019

    She texted me saturday to say thank you for the gifts and that her husband grabbed them on his way out and left them in his truck all that time....I replied back but havent seen or heard from her since. I probably will just leave her alone from here on. If she wanted me to be apart of her life she would make an effort, so i think its best for my mental health to just move on quietly
  7. allalone6

    2019

    we always exchange. but even so...acknowledgement of the presents i left at her house would of been nice. I care about her and really dont want to lose her as a contact, and i dont think she would intentionally hurt me, but who knows, my thinking is clouded anyhow.
  8. allalone6

    lost

    I know all too well how my needy behavior has scared people away...ive done it to two very good friends, and both friendships are dead. I dont tell anyone about my depression. only one acquaintance knows but i dont discuss it. I learned a couple of years ago that I will never let another sole know what im feeling. I slap on that smile and happy attitude and pretend everything is fine.
  9. allalone6

    lost

    Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate it.
  10. allalone6

    2019

    So I tried for 9 days from just before christmas to new years to try to make arrangements with an acquaintance to give her and her daughter a christmas present. some texts didnt get answered til days later, and some had excuses and the last one, this past saturday....no response. so i gave up, and dropped the presents on her door step this past wednesday. still havent heard from her. Then today, I had a meeting with a client who is one of her good friends, and he mentioned in passing how he was over their house for new years eve and heard from her that morning. so she is fine...its obviously me. i know i need to move on, ive told myself that for years, but then once in a blue moon she reaches out for something (not really to hang out but to ask a question) and i stupidly want to hold on. the friendship as been over for years. just like every lost friendship ive had...i tend to not want to let go. so heres to 2019....hoping for less heartache...sadness...and loneliness and. for more strength to come to terms with it all
  11. allalone6

    lost

    ive been wanting to write but just feel like its so monotonous. its all the same. im sad, im lonely, im still all alone, still not a mother, still friendless and nothing seems to change. I volunteer, i join meet-up groups, im plastered on multiple dating sites. I continuously reach out to acquaintances despite being ignored. Sometimes i think i try too hard, but then sometimes think im not doing all i can. maybe instead of trying to change my life, i should just embrace it and learn to cope with it. i dont know what im doing wrong or what i should work on to be/get better. im lost. and i cant ask anyone for directions.
  12. having 4 days off from work made it painfully obvious how lonely i am. I was so bored. i was getting sick of just hanging out with my parents. for years i tried so hard for the friends and boyfriend with no luck. then i was told that it will happen when it will happen and stop trying so hard....so i stopped. i stopped chasing people in general. and well, now, ive become a very extremely lonely individual. i guess a family was just never in my cards. im so sick of coming home to an empty house, sitting at the kitchen table and looking up and seeing no one. no conversation, the quietness is stifling. im sick of my daily walks by myself. im just sick of my life. its not fair. i tried so hard for so long to not let the depression k*ll me, i held on so tight and for what? a life of solitude? I kept telling myself things would get better, that i would get thru this, that i shouldnt off myself and just look where all that got me. not only did life not get better but it managed to get worse...everyone moved on, progressed with their lives and here you are, alone still struggling. i cry myself to sleep and yet still tell myself that maybe someday everything will be ok. why? lets face it, this is it. this is as good as it gets. this life is clearly a punishment for something. This must be gods plan, as ive asked, begged, and pleaded for a chance to be a mom. ive gone to being numb to just being angry at everything. im sick of being patient, im mad, at myself, at god, at life, at this crappy numbing daily routine. i hate my life, i just hate it, i hate myself for creating it. no matter how i look at it....i should of k*lled myself when i had the chance and wouldnt have to deal with all this, or i should of done a better job of fighting the depression and not losing my life to it and causing my life to be this way.
  13. so i attended a paint nite class. I dont like these types of crafts but im trying to get myself out there and attempt making my life not so lonely. there was about 20 woman there, and i kid you not....every single one was a mom and they literally all bonded over talking about the schools/teachers to sports and programs. and i literally felt so left out, I didnt know a single person. I made idle chit chat with the two people on either side of me, but i also felt like I was interfering on their time with their friends. it was awkward. i remember a time when i used to hem and haw about being just a "back up" friend for certain people.....now sadly, i think I would welcome it. :/ im getting desperate. i changed up my dating profile and have been giving more time to it...emailing others and what not...no response yet...although im not ready to explain why im almost 40 and havent been in a relationship....talk about loads of baggage. anyways...my mom is getting worse depressed. her negative talk hurts to hear. she constantly says "lifes sucks" and talks about wishing she was dead. She made 3 mentions over this past weekend about not having grandkids. it wasnt directed at me personally, just in general it really really bothers her. (i totally understand how she feels) so the only people in my life (my parents) are also unhappy. how do i fix this? where do i go from here? how do i make things better? how do i have a normal life?
  14. i feel like a total failure. i dont understand whats wrong with me. how did i allow my life to get this screwed up. i feel so empty and lonely. Since my early 20s i held on to hope that life would get better...thats what kept me going, i promised myself that years from now, i would look back at this sadness and tell myself it was all worth it. 15 years later....and its still the same...except quieter. all i learned over the years was to hide my depression. i literally just go thru the motions of the day. my 20 yr high school reunion is next weekend. im totally not going..i didnt have a great high school experience and the last thing i need is to see and hear how everyone is married, with kids. All i wanted in life was to be a mom. i really thought it would happen for me, someday. i think giving myself hope that it would is what screwed me up. what is my purpose, what do i deserve, why was i even born? i feel so empty. and really fear the future of growing old alone. im just getting thru each day...waiting to die
  15. i feel so off today, can barely crack a smile, in recent years i used to fear feeling this way cause coworkers would give me a hard time "grumpy again?" it would make me feel guilty and horrible for letting my feelings show thru. today its different, that has stopped, but i still feel horrible that i cant pretend better. im ready and prepared for the "whats the matter" question with my "im just wicked tired today" lamo answer...but lucky for me...no one cares to ask or notice. ive had pb&j sandwhiches for dinner for the past 3 nights....i keep forgetting to take food out of the freezer and i also have no desire to cook. im tired all day cause im not taking care of myself or eating properly. i see it, but yet cant stop it. so anyways, im trying to fundraise for a charity event....i was able to get a local restaurant to give 10% of sales to my event as a dine to donate as long as people bring in the flyer...so i put it all over facebook....town group pages....all my "friends", i sent emails out, asked people to share.....and well....part of the problem of being a friendless....no one cares to help or share or promote it, not that its anyones job....but....i guess I only got 3 people to patron the place with the flyer... 😕 its fine... i didnt anticipate people swarming there but i did hope some cared to do it. its just more embarrassing than anything cause i see the owner of the restaurant almost daily cause he is the landlord for my office. but no biggie. I hate fundraising...i love doing whatever the activity it is for the charity, i just struggle with getting donations cause of just who i am. its one thing to be sad but its another to be sad and lonely. it become a vicious cycle cause im not always strong enough to talk myself out of it. Im so afraid to grow old alone, but even more afraid to die alone. im going to end up being one of those people who is found dead in there home like 4 years later cause no one noticed. i know this is all over the place...but i just needed to vent
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