Jump to content


Silver Member
  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited


Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Interests
    Its pretty sad that I could disappear tomorrow and no one would notice

Recent Profile Visitors

6,027 profile views

allalone6's Achievements

Silver Member

Silver Member (7/9)



  1. shes not guilting me at all. I WANT to be a mom. She happened to share why she was sad. My brother is married and they cant have kids. It was in no way directed at me, it hurts her to watch her siblings become grandparents. I want nothing more than to be a mom, I just dont share with anyone how much it makes me sad that I am not one
  2. I was out for a walk this morning with my mom. she made a statement how she hates her life, and I asked why (knowing what it was, but she never fully admitted it) and she came out this time with it and said it bothers her she isnt a grandmother. my heart sank. id give anything in the world to be a mom and give her grandkids, but I just couldnt make it happen. Ive literally been on dating apps since my 20s (im in my early 40s now) and I cant tell you how many of my messages got ignored, how many first dates I got stood up on, and the ones who did show, gave me fake numbers at the end of the date or told me the next day they werent interested. I had 2 boyfriends, neither lasted more than 6-9 months. I'd take breaks cause it effected my mental health, and now its even harder, most of the guys out their now are divorced with kids and don't want more. Although everything i researched its practically slim chances i could even get pregnant at this point. She doesnt know how much it bothers me that im not a mom, I cant tell her cause she will worry that im sad and that my depression will get worse. her anxiety is already thru the roof, I can't deal with the added stress. I wish at the very least I could find someone to spend my life with. I do not want to grow old alone. once my parents are gone, I will be alone. I have a brother, but I hate his wife (they cant have kids btw) and they choose a poor health lifestyle, im going to outlive them both. during my darkest moments in life when i was struggling to hold on, I told myself to fight cause one day I would be married with kids and look back at this and say "im glad your fought" so I fought, I fought the suicidal thoughts, I fought the sadness...got to my 30s, ended up in the hospital, and now just go thru the motions of each day. I never did make it to my goal even though I tried. I cant make a guy be interested in me. I gave up for the longest time, and now i realized I ****ed up and now its even harder. I dont even know what to do. who will want to date an early 40ish loser, especially one who doesn't like to be intimate, whos only friends are her parents. sometimes all i think about is how I will die alone in a hospital when im older, with not a sole around me. I can't help but believe I deserve it. doesnt everything that happens, happens for a reason? struggling depression for decades i feel made me stronger, but made me miss out on a life. maybe im not a mom for a reason, maybe im not wife material for a reason, maybe im a horrible person and deserve to die alone. maybe i deserve a life of solitude. maybe i dont deserve to ever have a child call me mom, maybe i dont deserve to come home from work to house with a family in it. maybe this is what i deserve. maybe, but it still hurts, but maybe thats my life lesson.
  3. Mothers days has always been a stab in the heart kind of day. Im grateful for my mom but it just hurts that here i am in my 40s and Im not a mom and at this point never going to get to be one. its all i wanted in life. its the one thing i kept promising myself when i was fighting thru depression and suicidal thoughts, i told myself if i fight hard to get thru it all, it will happen for me. but i guess it was not in my cards. not sure what my cards even hold. I try to be a good daughter at least, but I cant erase the past no matter how much I do and give now. I honestly feel like my life has no purpose. I try to keep busy, volunteer my time, and just be a good person, but there is such a huge void that i know deep down i will never be able to fill. ive tried for years with so much rejection that i started to believed that im just not someone who someone else wants to love and spend the rest of their life with. the thought of growing old all alone scares me, especially since im not even successful at a job to be able to save enough money for help down the road for when I become elderly and need the care. These are the things i constantly think about. how someday I wont be able to do the stairs of my 2nd floor home, how I wont have a spouse or child to help with groceries, or rides to the doctors. I have for years always feared that I am going to be that news story - elderly woman found dead in home, suspected of being dead for years. I will be that statistic cause I have no one. I watched how it took my parents, aunts, uncles all to chip in time and help with my grandparents, and when I get to that age, my family will be gone. Ive always been a full believer of you get what you deserve. I believe in God and have asked him a zillion times why do I not get to be a mom, and then switched to asking what i did wrong in life to not be blessed with the role. I question it almost daily, I tell myself almost daily also that I do not deserve to be a mom for whatever reason, even though Ive seen others who are one, who don't bother to spend the time with their kids. That then makes me re-question things on why they do and I don't. I have to believe God has a reason, ive prayed daily to find out the reason, and then start to believe im being selfish for asking and now pray for strength to make my hurt go away. If god saw me fit to be a mom, I would be, so I need to learn to move on and be grateful for no longer having my strong depressive and suicidal thoughts and be grateful I can now function and think clearly. I prayed for decades for the depression to go away and he answered that, so I need to learn to stop being so selfish and ask for more in life.
  4. Its been only a month and feel like im already losing everything. She was apart of my life for 27 yrs, and I admit I took the friendship for granted, we both could go weeks without reaching out but when we did, it was like time didnt pass. I took for granted she would always be there. we didnt talk daily but now find myself so beside myself cause I cant talk to her everyday. In the past I would text her kids and not get an answer and not think anything of it cause I could reach out to her and say "hey whats up your kids???" and she'd fill me in on their lives. Now im at the mercy of one word responses or no response when I try to stay in their lives. I can't talk to the little ones....and when I do reach out to her friends, its like a kick in the stomach when they share pics of the kids and happening going on in their lives. Im happy that they share when I prompt them, but im devastated that im no longer in the loop, that this is my future....not only did i lose my best friend, but im going to lose her 7 kids and that whole part of my life. I am going to be the last to know, if at all, cause im not there and im not in the picture. even her little brother, whos not so little anymore, isnt answering me, ive been apart of his life for the past 11 years, watched him grow up into the young adult he is, and while i know hes suffering and hurting big time, he has shut me completely out. He talks to her friends out there, which im grateful he has that outlet and support, but again, i feel like im losing the most in this. Im the one in another state, im the one who has to struggle to be apart of their lives and the last one they all think about. Im not going to hear when one of the kids does great at a sport, or wins an award or hear about their dances or events, or just everyday stuff. I will no longer get the pictures. and no matter how hard I try to stay apart of it, im hundreds of miles away and dependent on her friends and family there, who do not even think to message me. Ive never had a friend like her, where i could divulge everything and not think twice about it, i know she didnt judge and she didnt try to fix whatever it was by pushing her opinions on me, she just listened, she always just listened. She knew my struggles, she knew my deepest darkest secrets, she knew it all, and she loved me anyways. im heartbroken beyond words about her death, and to see that it also means im going to lose her family, is distressing me further. I cry a lot, having trouble sleeping...I went to bed last night crying to her, woke up around 2:30 still upset about it all and couldnt get back to sleep. When I spoke to her best friend out there, I was kinda hurt, when she sent me a photo of herself wearing my friends sweater, saying she wears it when shes sad. I mean I get it, she didnt tell me to hurt me, but im sad I wasnt ever offered anything. I know I only got to visit once a year if that, but im grieving too. and yes it stung when she shared a pic of one of the kids and a story how a group of moms paid for his varsity jacket....made me feel like the crappy friend who is clueless about the happenings of my friends kids lives. im never going to be in the know, im forever going to be out of the loop, and as time goes on, im not going to know the kids. im not prepared for this, and honestly do not see how i can even stop or change it. I mean, i spoke with 3 of her friends the week after the funeral and they all swore they would update me on the kids...but here we are, only a month after her passing, and im already left out. im so very grateful though her kids have this huge support system of moms who care, but I care too, i just feel like ive been locked out. her brother especially has me hurt, ive called, texted over a dozen of times from the day I was notified of her death til about a week ago, and with no response, for my own heart, I think I have to let it go. Tomorrow is his birthday, in which I will wish him well, and reiterate that I love and miss him, but if he can acknowledge her other friends and family, but not me, than for my own mental health, I will have to cut my ties. I cant take much more heartbreak....the loss of this whole part of my life is like no other loss...i will desperately try my hardest to do all I can to stay in the kids lives from afar, but all this loss is taking me down hard. and its not like i can even share my pain with anyone....she was the only one i shared with...besides, no one has asked since the funeral how im even doing
  5. I havent written in almost a year cause well, whats the point. ive been dealing with my own issues internally. What brought me back was that my best friend for 27 years died in an accident last weekend. the one friend who knew my deepest darkest secrets, the one who i could, and have, shared with, my worst thoughts. Our friendship had its up and downs, sometimes i didnt know where i stood with her, and times where i felt she didnt care, (and vice versa cause she struggled with mental health too) but most of it was probably in my head and hers. all i know is that i lost a friend. my biggest reason for avoiding her as of recently was that i was having my own personal issues with where i am in life, and the demons of knowing motherhood is out of my grasp at this point in time. I struggled with sharing with her since she had 7 beautiful kids. Part of me regrets it now since she will not know it wasnt her fault i was so distant as of lately, and part of me for selfish reasons regrets not letting it out just to get it out, not that it would of solved anything, but she truly was the only one i could talk to open and honestly with. Like I mentioned we didnt talk often...we didnt live anywhere near each other....she was busy with her mom life, and i was just over here going thru the motions, we definitely drifted over the last few years, but in the back of my mind i know if i reached out she would answer...even if it was days later and only 2 minutes of her time.
  6. I feel like im just living this cycle of getting thru each day watching time go by. my life is pretty much half over and ive accomplished nothing, im not happy, im just putting on a smile. I know for a fact my parents hearts are broken because they arent grandparents, i know my dads heart is broken because he never got to walk his little girl down the isle. My heart is broken because im not going to be able to be a mom. All I wanted in life was to be a mom. I started back up on dating sites back in spring, and majority of the men my age, have kids and dont want more. You know what stings, when you run into someone you havent seen in 15-20 years and they are like "oh! you are still single?" I feel like its a punch in the gut, a sad reminder that im just someone that no one wants. That ive done nothing with my life. Every birthday candle ive blown out for the past 20 years, every night when I talk to god, Every wish ive made...was to find someone who would love me and start a family with me. part of me knows that its just not gods plan for me, but i sadly cant stop hoping. Im afraid to grow old alone. I probably have a good 15 maybe 20 years left with my parents and then thats it, Im alone. holidays, birthdays, everything. When I start to age, I am going to be one of those people who show up on the news "woman found in home, dead for 6 months" Seriously though, I wouldnt want to end up in a nursing home (nor could i afford it), and with no kids, nieces or nephews, I can just see myself trying to fend for myself in my old age, fall, and not be able to get back up and not a sole would know. I dont even know what I can do to make the next 40 years not feel so lonely. I volunteer, give back, join charities, and i still feel empty. With covid and quarantine, I got a sneak peak of what my life will be like if i continue down this path of solitude im so tired of having dinner every night sitting alone at my kitchen table. I thought at this point I would hear the chatter of kids in my house, id have toys sprung around, my days schedule would be packed with kids activities and school. and all it is, is i get up to a quiet house, make coffee, take a shower, go to work, come home to an empty house, eat alone at my table and then veg on the couch til bed. I know I was a horrid teen with an attitude and gave my mom hell for a few years (my hormones and depression controlled me) and maybe a life of solitude is punishment? I dont know how it all works, and why some people get to be moms and others dont, maybe i wouldnt be a good mom, maybe my poor kid/kids would have mental health problems cause they are hereditary. Maybe god is protecting me cause i cant have kids or maybe I would of had a child with a fatal disease. All i know is through out my teens and 20's i held on by a thread by telling myself that life would work out and by 30 everything would be fine, 30 came, i had a mental breakdown and was committed, I spent the rest of my 30s trying to hold it together and convince my mom (for her sanity) that im happy. Here I am at 40 and wondering if i can even recoup my life.
  7. Ive been depressed for over 28 yrs, and struggled to get help and medication early on....long story short, I am on medication, been on it off and on for 20 years but ive been very faithful for the past 10 years. All I wanted when I was younger and seeking help (20s) was to feel better that i didnt care if i had to take meds for the rest of my life. Fast forward...I am now 40 and a little more conscious on what I put on and in my body. I eat healthy, I try to make sure all my food is non-gmo, organic or at least not have certain ingredients that really should never have been in food. I am at the point of not wanting to take or rely on medication, especially when medications although they may be helping one part of your body are not good for your body as a whole. Every time I have come off meds i have relapsed badly, though at those times, I wasnt in a good place physically and socially in life, that , that also contributed. I feel now I am in a better place self esteem wise and in general and would like to explore coming off my meds. I am only on prozac and on the lowest possible dose. I would like to find alternatives that could be better for me to take, such as certain vitamins and such. Does anyone have suggestions that have worked for them? I exercise daily as well. thanks
  8. allalone6

    sneak peak

    so with this whole pandemic, i got a little sneak peak of my future. with everything locked down and nothing to do and no where to go, the loneliness kicked in. at first i was super busy with projects but i missed going to work, seeing people. i realized how much no one reaches out to me ever. my 40th bday came and went, no one really cared. which is funny cause i honestly thought at least one acquaintance would send me flowers or something and with every passing car, i looked. in fact the 3 people i thought for sure id hear from...one forgot and never did hear from, 2 texted at 9oclock at night, so assuming they forgot a bit too. its sad how empty ive watched my life become. on my 21st, a friend gave me a surprise party, on my 30th, 2 conspired to get me plane tickets to see my out of state friend...40th came and it was just an ordinary day. i hate bdays anyways, but this is why, i think or hope deep down people care, and the one day of the year you wish really hard they cared...you realize you were just holding on to a sad hope. for the longest time i always thought people only talk to me when they needed something, and i had myself believing the depression made me feel this way, but part of me knows its somewhat true. my mom broke down and cried to me that she wished i was married and that she is sad for me. i fought back tears and promised her i was fine and content how life was. i cant bare to tell her that i too wish i was married, and it bothers me immensely that im alone and im not a mom. I put on a brave face and pray everynight asking god for guidance and help figuring out my purpose. someday my life will make sense and i will be happy, at least i hope. ive been telling myself since i was 13 that life will get better. i guess its just not my time yet, but on the plus side, im dealing with it a bit better, not sure if its self growth, or because i had not other choice to learn how to deal because my friends vanished. it will be very hard to get pregnant after 40 so heres to hopefully finding inner peace that motherhood was never my plan and hopefully i can find something to bring me happiness and purpose.
  9. i found myself snuggled on my couch, bored and thinking the other night. I have been living alone now for 14 years. I wonder if I could ever learn to live with someone after such a long time. Years ago, for a while I would come home to my empty house and just call out "im home" pretending i had a normal life (sad i know). I used to sit at my kitchen table at night while I ate dinner and imagine it being filled with a husband and kids and conversation. I now just sit in front of my tv on the couch. My only conversations these days is with my google home...She at least says good morning to me lol. for years (most of my 30's) i gave up on what i wanted my life to be and just let it be and kept myself busy, believing the whole "it will happen when it happens". sooo, i guess its not happening. since pregnancy after 40 is risky, and seeing how that whole thing isnt going to happen within the next couple of years...I need to refocus my life onto something else and move on. Accepting that the one and only thing i wanted in life is not happening, is a hard pill to swallow. So where do i go from here? what do i focus on? depression has really messed up my life, and its my own fault for allowing it. but i truly need something to keep me going. i need something to make my life worthwhile. This "just getting thru each day" thing is not cutting it and im finding myself slipping downward. Now, I know "something specific" isnt the key to happiness, and i need to continue to fight the depression. But the loneliness is not helping things and i desperately need something in my life.
  10. How does one find purpose in life when their wished upon purpose can't happen. I feel lost. Im not successful at work, I just barely get by, I've volunteered at a multitude of different types of places and its not filling my void. just existing is not working for me. I dont have friends but just acquaintances. I end up doing everything alone cause there is no one to call. im just living....breathing....and nothing else. everyone around me has progressing lives. I can no longer find it in me to even be happy for them. my coworker who went thru a nasty divorce 3 yrs ago...just got engaged. how is it that some people can find love twice in life and I cant find it once? How come mothers who pawn there kids off so they can go party, get to even have kids, and I cant? How is that some people just walk into wealth and i work my ass off and get no where? I just dont even know why I exist. I cant seem to find my purpose. All i wanted was a happy life and all ive experienced was "getting thru" each day. I really never imagined a life of solitude and loneliness, I truly always believed life would get better. I hung on to that idea so tightly that I failed to protect and prepare myself from it not happening.
  11. starting to spiral down. little things are sparking it. unfortunately everyone else's joy and happiness makes me sadder. new babies, new engagements...no matter how much i try not to think of it and dwell on, and try to be happy for them, its like a knife in my heart. how on earth will i ever get thru this and be ok with knowing what im missing? how on earth can i ever be happy with how things are? its impossible. I can't fully distract myself from the world around me having their life on track. what do i do? besides move to a deserted cabin in the woods to hide. how do i turn my heart off?
  12. thank you, I try to do things that I wanted/needed when i was very depressed, like asking how she is, i longed for someone to ask me if i was ok - it rarely occurred cause no one wanted to deal with it. I invite her out and over my house all the time, another thing I longed from others. I on the other hand, wanted antidepressants, i wanted the help, I was just scared to do it alone and had to do it secretly behind my parents back. they/she thinks depression is a weakness, perhaps thats why she is angry, she used to tell me i had nothing to be depressed about and i wasnt trying hard enough to will away the sadness. she clearly misunderstoods the whole thing, i knew it then and i know it now. She still doesnt want me taking my antidepressants, she also thinks it is some magical "happy pill" with instant gratification when you take it, despite years of telling her how it truly works. she is misguided and stuck in her thinking unfortunately.
  13. allalone6


    Every year i tell myself that this is the year....this is the year that things will turn around. life will get better. I stay hopeful for the first couple of months but then reality sinks in. to think one new years eve night in my very early 20's, I checked into a hotel room with a shitload of alcohol, and pills and was ready to check out. I cried for hours, not sure how my body even produced that many tears. I got drunk, I popped pills, I begged and screamed out loud at no one. I texted friends for help...with no response. I drank some more....popped more pills and somehow woke up the next morning. My life took some real bad turns for the worse after that. ive learned from all of it, but im still no where, where i want to be in life. in fact i think i took too long to learn how to survive in my own head that i lost valuable years. for me to say this is going to be the year....is a lie...i totally know that im just going to get thru the year. This wont be my year to find a spouse, this wont be my year to get engaged and to plan a future, this wont be my year where i realize im finally going to become a mom. no, this will be the year that i just continue to wake up each morning...go to work...come home and repeat. why do i feel that way? cause every year i spend countless months tirelessly trying to find someone to complete me and i dont even get responses. so for 2020...i can only hope things just continue on this boring path, i don't go downhill and the solitude doesn't slowly k*ll me. I ended 2019 not so good....i stopped the gym, i sleep a ton more, i stopped eating well. i see it, and i tell myself im going to put a stop to it all, but i dont. my body is just too tired. i already am off on the wrong foot cause i swore for the past two weeks right after new years im going back to the gym...the alarm went off this morning...and i snoozed it. so heres to 2020, the year i turn the big 4-0, a year hopefully where i have less depressive episodes and feel WAY less lonely and maybe, just maybe i'll even make at the very least, a friend.
  14. my mom is getting worse. i dont know what im going to get when i pick up the phone to call or answer a call. her bad days are hard. she hate life, everyone, and she says some really nasty hurtful things. deep down i think she doesnt mean it, but part of me feels to blame for her unhappiness. the littlest thing set her off and somedays im scared to even pick up the phone. i get it that she is sad, but she lashes out when she is sad and i have a hard time dealing with it. she is mad a lot, more mad than happy these days. i cant fix it, i cant even console her, my life is part of the issue. maybe if i wasnt born she would be happier? I ask god for help everyday and i dont think he hears me. i feel like i dont do anything right by her. i anger her easily and im unsure what im even doing wrong. i know she is sad, beyond sad, and the only thing i know that will help is antidepressants and she is against it, she thinks they are for the weak (which sometimes makes me rethink taking mine). I dont know what else to do. I cant make her happy, in fact, me, as i currently am, makes her sad. Sometimes i wonder if i change my life to her liking, will she be happy? but will i be happy? i could probably suck up my unhappiness and hide it if i knew 100% it would make her happy. but im not so sure what will make her happy. does she regret her life? does she regret having us kids? does she regret marriage? or is it her future wasnt what she pictured (no grandkids)? or is it something else? i dont know what to do or how i can help her. i want her to be happy but without her willingness to seek a doctors help, i dont know what else i can do. Its been years now and "just being there" for her hasnt helped at all. In fact, she gets annoyed when I ask how she is. I would of thought having someone show interest would make someone feel special and loved. Now that im not allowed to ask, i fear things will turn and she will think I/us do not care. is there even a solution to helping her? or is this just how things are now?
  15. i tell myself writing doesnt help but neither does holding it all in. im beyond lost. im beyond sad. im beyond lonely. i took a step back from everything this past year to protect myself and all its done is show me how alone i am in this big world. I sadly built my walls back up and just sit inside thinking. I didnt push anyone away. i just stopped "begging" for conversation and time and apparently everyone was happy to rid of me. everyone around me is literally getting married and having babies and its truly ******* me. its the one thing i wanted in life...to be a mom. and no matter how many time i ask god why, or what my purpose is, or whats his plan for me....deep down i know im going to grow old alone. i think about it all the time and i cant stop. why was i not meant to be a mom? why dont i get to have a family? why do i have to grow old all by myself? i try to convince myself that i would be an awful mom and my poor child will have depression and thats why god isnt allowing it. but i read online about all these parents overdosing with their babies nearby or these horrible parents abusing their child and i think to myself...why did they get to be parents? i joined groups that share the same interest as I, ive made contacts but not outside the group meetings. I got involved in my community and again, no contacts out side the group meetings. I secretly wished id meet someone to date with hopes to evolve my life and at the very very least...make a friend. i even joined yet another dating site....i think this is the 5th one. Every week im reminded from my mom how sad she is and how much she hates her life, and how much she thought how life would be different. (she wants to be a nana badly and my brother/sister-inlaw cant have kids)) I know her comments arent trying to hurt me, she is just expressing her hurt. I dont tell her my thoughts, i let her believe im happy how my life is (cause she over worries). but it truly kills me to see how sad and upset she is. she has to listen to her brothers/sisters talk about their grandkids and i know she is jealous and hurt. My cousin who has been alone her whole life like me, had mental health issues like me...all of a sudden out of the blue got married this year and literally just had a baby and i know now my mom is now concerned about me. I wish more than anything that i would find a guy to love me so i can make her and my wish come true. but what if its not in my cards? im convinced i dont deserve to be a mom but my mom deserves to be a grandmother. why doesnt god hear our cries? what did i do wrong? im almost 40...my days of being a mom are coming to an end im scared of my future. once my parents are gone...thats it...I will officially have no one to talk to...my holidays will be alone. i will be completely alone. I watched my grandparents deteriorate and how everyone stepped in to help with food shopping, doctors appts, taking meds, and just every day care. Im very concerned how I will get by at that age when i have no family (and probably no money to hire anyone). Ive seen how many get neglected in nursing homes, and how my grandparents didnt get care unless one of us specifically hunted down a nurse. i know people will respond with "everyone deserves happiness" but im kinda convinced that perhaps i really don't. I talk to god daily...im in no means spiritual.. id just like to believe that someone is listening to me, even though part of my knows im just talking to myself. I do believe everything happens for a reason, so there must be a reason why life is this way, i just cant grasp what it could be. a life of no love, no companionship, no hugs, no kisses, no "i love you", no "have a good day", no "drive safely" no "good mornings or good nights" just complete solitude. during all my years of struggles with depression i would fight thru my days with thoughts that life would get better. and yes, things got better, i no longer have haunting thoughts and such, but this isnt quite the life i anticipated. and i dont know how to go up from here.
  • Create New...