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About allalone6

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    Its pretty sad that I could disappear tomorrow and no one would notice

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  1. allalone6

    back at it

    so I stopped writing cause coming here oddly went from a great place for relief to a place that reminds me how sad my life is. When I reread my posts from years earlier and I see how things are the same, it makes me feel worse. so i stopped writing all together. I figured, why have proof of life thats standing still? or getting worse. (yet, here i am, cause thats how pathetic i am) So i swore off everyone in 2019. i decided to stop reaching out and putting myself in a position to be blown off. and as much as that sounded like the best thing to do for my mental health, I have sat here for the past 5 months not hearing from a sole. Turns out I learned, if I didnt make the attempt, no one cared if I was here or not. Ive started getting more involved in my town, volunteering a lot more and getting into town government. Ive made acquaintances...people know my name and say hello, but nothing goes beyond that. its just something to do to fill all my empty voids work is going poorly, being commission based...I have nothing lined up, I thought i had a few clients in my pocket but they all went with other people. im starting to to let everything get to me again. things out of my control, things i cant change, things i know will never happen for me...its been piling up. (hence why i gave back in to writing) loneliness really can do such a number on you. It certainly makes you feel like you suck at life, thats for sure. When you cant even master companionship then there is something wrong with you. so anyways....i guess i just wish work would pick up for me so I dont stress about finances and so im busy and wont have time to focus on the emptiness around me.
  2. tired of my solo life. when i got myself thru my most darkest moments in life when i was younger, i promised myself that life would get better, to hang on, to not give in to the depression, that one day I will look back on all this and smile that i got through it. i really thought life would of turned out different. i never prepared myself for solitude, how does one truly prepare for that? I honestly thought one day id have a family and a reason to live. just going through the motions of the day...going to work...coming home...no friends....solo activities...its...well....very trying. it never crossed my mind when I was younger that i could possibly live a life where i could go days without talking to anyone. i always had it in my head that life would just get better, that nothing could be worse than being a victim stuck inside my own volatile head. but you know what, this lonely life isnt all that much of a step up. i mean, ya...the suicidal thoughts are rare these days, and im not constantly putting myself down as much, and i see situations clearer now, but the sadness is still there....the "not good enough" feeling is still there, and im quite aware of what im missing out on and it hurts. i suppose in the big picture of things this life is better than the previous. but its still not great, but i guess i shouldnt complain or whine and be grateful
  3. allalone6


    She texted me saturday to say thank you for the gifts and that her husband grabbed them on his way out and left them in his truck all that time....I replied back but havent seen or heard from her since. I probably will just leave her alone from here on. If she wanted me to be apart of her life she would make an effort, so i think its best for my mental health to just move on quietly
  4. allalone6


    we always exchange. but even so...acknowledgement of the presents i left at her house would of been nice. I care about her and really dont want to lose her as a contact, and i dont think she would intentionally hurt me, but who knows, my thinking is clouded anyhow.
  5. allalone6


    I know all too well how my needy behavior has scared people away...ive done it to two very good friends, and both friendships are dead. I dont tell anyone about my depression. only one acquaintance knows but i dont discuss it. I learned a couple of years ago that I will never let another sole know what im feeling. I slap on that smile and happy attitude and pretend everything is fine.
  6. allalone6


    Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate it.
  7. allalone6


    So I tried for 9 days from just before christmas to new years to try to make arrangements with an acquaintance to give her and her daughter a christmas present. some texts didnt get answered til days later, and some had excuses and the last one, this past saturday....no response. so i gave up, and dropped the presents on her door step this past wednesday. still havent heard from her. Then today, I had a meeting with a client who is one of her good friends, and he mentioned in passing how he was over their house for new years eve and heard from her that morning. so she is fine...its obviously me. i know i need to move on, ive told myself that for years, but then once in a blue moon she reaches out for something (not really to hang out but to ask a question) and i stupidly want to hold on. the friendship as been over for years. just like every lost friendship ive had...i tend to not want to let go. so heres to 2019....hoping for less heartache...sadness...and loneliness and. for more strength to come to terms with it all
  8. allalone6


    ive been wanting to write but just feel like its so monotonous. its all the same. im sad, im lonely, im still all alone, still not a mother, still friendless and nothing seems to change. I volunteer, i join meet-up groups, im plastered on multiple dating sites. I continuously reach out to acquaintances despite being ignored. Sometimes i think i try too hard, but then sometimes think im not doing all i can. maybe instead of trying to change my life, i should just embrace it and learn to cope with it. i dont know what im doing wrong or what i should work on to be/get better. im lost. and i cant ask anyone for directions.
  9. having 4 days off from work made it painfully obvious how lonely i am. I was so bored. i was getting sick of just hanging out with my parents. for years i tried so hard for the friends and boyfriend with no luck. then i was told that it will happen when it will happen and stop trying so hard....so i stopped. i stopped chasing people in general. and well, now, ive become a very extremely lonely individual. i guess a family was just never in my cards. im so sick of coming home to an empty house, sitting at the kitchen table and looking up and seeing no one. no conversation, the quietness is stifling. im sick of my daily walks by myself. im just sick of my life. its not fair. i tried so hard for so long to not let the depression k*ll me, i held on so tight and for what? a life of solitude? I kept telling myself things would get better, that i would get thru this, that i shouldnt off myself and just look where all that got me. not only did life not get better but it managed to get worse...everyone moved on, progressed with their lives and here you are, alone still struggling. i cry myself to sleep and yet still tell myself that maybe someday everything will be ok. why? lets face it, this is it. this is as good as it gets. this life is clearly a punishment for something. This must be gods plan, as ive asked, begged, and pleaded for a chance to be a mom. ive gone to being numb to just being angry at everything. im sick of being patient, im mad, at myself, at god, at life, at this crappy numbing daily routine. i hate my life, i just hate it, i hate myself for creating it. no matter how i look at it....i should of k*lled myself when i had the chance and wouldnt have to deal with all this, or i should of done a better job of fighting the depression and not losing my life to it and causing my life to be this way.
  10. so i attended a paint nite class. I dont like these types of crafts but im trying to get myself out there and attempt making my life not so lonely. there was about 20 woman there, and i kid you not....every single one was a mom and they literally all bonded over talking about the schools/teachers to sports and programs. and i literally felt so left out, I didnt know a single person. I made idle chit chat with the two people on either side of me, but i also felt like I was interfering on their time with their friends. it was awkward. i remember a time when i used to hem and haw about being just a "back up" friend for certain people.....now sadly, i think I would welcome it. :/ im getting desperate. i changed up my dating profile and have been giving more time to it...emailing others and what not...no response yet...although im not ready to explain why im almost 40 and havent been in a relationship....talk about loads of baggage. anyways...my mom is getting worse depressed. her negative talk hurts to hear. she constantly says "lifes sucks" and talks about wishing she was dead. She made 3 mentions over this past weekend about not having grandkids. it wasnt directed at me personally, just in general it really really bothers her. (i totally understand how she feels) so the only people in my life (my parents) are also unhappy. how do i fix this? where do i go from here? how do i make things better? how do i have a normal life?
  11. i feel like a total failure. i dont understand whats wrong with me. how did i allow my life to get this screwed up. i feel so empty and lonely. Since my early 20s i held on to hope that life would get better...thats what kept me going, i promised myself that years from now, i would look back at this sadness and tell myself it was all worth it. 15 years later....and its still the same...except quieter. all i learned over the years was to hide my depression. i literally just go thru the motions of the day. my 20 yr high school reunion is next weekend. im totally not going..i didnt have a great high school experience and the last thing i need is to see and hear how everyone is married, with kids. All i wanted in life was to be a mom. i really thought it would happen for me, someday. i think giving myself hope that it would is what screwed me up. what is my purpose, what do i deserve, why was i even born? i feel so empty. and really fear the future of growing old alone. im just getting thru each day...waiting to die
  12. i feel so off today, can barely crack a smile, in recent years i used to fear feeling this way cause coworkers would give me a hard time "grumpy again?" it would make me feel guilty and horrible for letting my feelings show thru. today its different, that has stopped, but i still feel horrible that i cant pretend better. im ready and prepared for the "whats the matter" question with my "im just wicked tired today" lamo answer...but lucky for me...no one cares to ask or notice. ive had pb&j sandwhiches for dinner for the past 3 nights....i keep forgetting to take food out of the freezer and i also have no desire to cook. im tired all day cause im not taking care of myself or eating properly. i see it, but yet cant stop it. so anyways, im trying to fundraise for a charity event....i was able to get a local restaurant to give 10% of sales to my event as a dine to donate as long as people bring in the flyer...so i put it all over facebook....town group pages....all my "friends", i sent emails out, asked people to share.....and well....part of the problem of being a friendless....no one cares to help or share or promote it, not that its anyones job....but....i guess I only got 3 people to patron the place with the flyer... 😕 its fine... i didnt anticipate people swarming there but i did hope some cared to do it. its just more embarrassing than anything cause i see the owner of the restaurant almost daily cause he is the landlord for my office. but no biggie. I hate fundraising...i love doing whatever the activity it is for the charity, i just struggle with getting donations cause of just who i am. its one thing to be sad but its another to be sad and lonely. it become a vicious cycle cause im not always strong enough to talk myself out of it. Im so afraid to grow old alone, but even more afraid to die alone. im going to end up being one of those people who is found dead in there home like 4 years later cause no one noticed. i know this is all over the place...but i just needed to vent
  13. allalone6


    ive pretty much been staying low key. going on my daily walks....spending my time maintaining my yard and hanging out with my mom. I fell off the wagon of cooking healthy meals but im trying my best to at least keep up with my exercise. I havent reached out to anyone all summer and of course no one has reached out to me. i plan adventures in my head that i never end up doing cause i dont want to go it alone. i pretend life is perfect and put on a smile to neighbors and coworkers and strangers in the store. this is life....a ball of lies to survive. im getting the hang of this game and i think im finally surviving it with out heartache
  14. allalone6


    I volunteer when I can. I work a lot, which is good.
  15. I feel so abandoned these days. nothing to do, no one to talk to. I was signed up for a kayaking trip this past saturday, I was looking forward to it since march, I couldnt wait, but had to miss it for a funeral. It was the one thing i was looking forward to this summer. guess thats just the way things work out. I go biking and for walks all the time, but I do it solo, so I was looking forward to company and conversation. I havent talked to anyone in months, I dont even bother attempting it anymore. its not worth the heart ache. If people wanted to talk to me or see me or hang out with me, they would make an effort. so I leave it alone. it is what it is. I thought i would eventually get used to it, but it does bother me that no one misses me. I miss a boat load of people but its not reciprocal. I guess im just stuck in this part of my life for now. I always held on to hope that my life would work out and id be happy, i never prepared for this, I didnt see my life turning into something this empty and lonely. Im having a difficult time adjusting.
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