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allalone6

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About allalone6

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    Its pretty sad that I could disappear tomorrow and no one would notice

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  1. allalone6

    so now what

    i found myself snuggled on my couch, bored and thinking the other night. I have been living alone now for 14 years. I wonder if I could ever learn to live with someone after such a long time. Years ago, for a while I would come home to my empty house and just call out "im home" pretending i had a normal life (sad i know). I used to sit at my kitchen table at night while I ate dinner and imagine it being filled with a husband and kids and conversation. I now just sit in front of my tv on the couch. 😕 My only conversations these days is with my google home...She at least says good morning to me lol. for years (most of my 30's) i gave up on what i wanted my life to be and just let it be and kept myself busy, believing the whole "it will happen when it happens". sooo, i guess its not happening. since pregnancy after 40 is risky, and seeing how that whole thing isnt going to happen within the next couple of years...I need to refocus my life onto something else and move on. Accepting that the one and only thing i wanted in life is not happening, is a hard pill to swallow. So where do i go from here? what do i focus on? depression has really messed up my life, and its my own fault for allowing it. but i truly need something to keep me going. i need something to make my life worthwhile. This "just getting thru each day" thing is not cutting it and im finding myself slipping downward. Now, I know "something specific" isnt the key to happiness, and i need to continue to fight the depression. But the loneliness is not helping things and i desperately need something in my life.
  2. How does one find purpose in life when their wished upon purpose can't happen. I feel lost. Im not successful at work, I just barely get by, I've volunteered at a multitude of different types of places and its not filling my void. just existing is not working for me. I dont have friends but just acquaintances. I end up doing everything alone cause there is no one to call. im just living....breathing....and nothing else. everyone around me has progressing lives. I can no longer find it in me to even be happy for them. my coworker who went thru a nasty divorce 3 yrs ago...just got engaged. how is it that some people can find love twice in life and I cant find it once? How come mothers who pawn there kids off so they can go party, get to even have kids, and I cant? How is that some people just walk into wealth and i work my ass off and get no where? I just dont even know why I exist. I cant seem to find my purpose. All i wanted was a happy life and all ive experienced was "getting thru" each day. I really never imagined a life of solitude and loneliness, I truly always believed life would get better. I hung on to that idea so tightly that I failed to protect and prepare myself from it not happening.
  3. starting to spiral down. little things are sparking it. unfortunately everyone else's joy and happiness makes me sadder. new babies, new engagements...no matter how much i try not to think of it and dwell on, and try to be happy for them, its like a knife in my heart. how on earth will i ever get thru this and be ok with knowing what im missing? how on earth can i ever be happy with how things are? its impossible. I can't fully distract myself from the world around me having their life on track. what do i do? besides move to a deserted cabin in the woods to hide. how do i turn my heart off?
  4. thank you, I try to do things that I wanted/needed when i was very depressed, like asking how she is, i longed for someone to ask me if i was ok - it rarely occurred cause no one wanted to deal with it. I invite her out and over my house all the time, another thing I longed from others. I on the other hand, wanted antidepressants, i wanted the help, I was just scared to do it alone and had to do it secretly behind my parents back. they/she thinks depression is a weakness, perhaps thats why she is angry, she used to tell me i had nothing to be depressed about and i wasnt trying hard enough to will away the sadness. she clearly misunderstoods the whole thing, i knew it then and i know it now. She still doesnt want me taking my antidepressants, she also thinks it is some magical "happy pill" with instant gratification when you take it, despite years of telling her how it truly works. she is misguided and stuck in her thinking unfortunately.
  5. allalone6

    2020

    Every year i tell myself that this is the year....this is the year that things will turn around. life will get better. I stay hopeful for the first couple of months but then reality sinks in. to think one new years eve night in my very early 20's, I checked into a hotel room with a shitload of alcohol, and pills and was ready to check out. I cried for hours, not sure how my body even produced that many tears. I got drunk, I popped pills, I begged and screamed out loud at no one. I texted friends for help...with no response. I drank some more....popped more pills and somehow woke up the next morning. My life took some real bad turns for the worse after that. ive learned from all of it, but im still no where, where i want to be in life. in fact i think i took too long to learn how to survive in my own head that i lost valuable years. for me to say this is going to be the year....is a lie...i totally know that im just going to get thru the year. This wont be my year to find a spouse, this wont be my year to get engaged and to plan a future, this wont be my year where i realize im finally going to become a mom. no, this will be the year that i just continue to wake up each morning...go to work...come home and repeat. why do i feel that way? cause every year i spend countless months tirelessly trying to find someone to complete me and i dont even get responses. so for 2020...i can only hope things just continue on this boring path, i don't go downhill and the solitude doesn't slowly k*ll me. I ended 2019 not so good....i stopped the gym, i sleep a ton more, i stopped eating well. i see it, and i tell myself im going to put a stop to it all, but i dont. my body is just too tired. i already am off on the wrong foot cause i swore for the past two weeks right after new years im going back to the gym...the alarm went off this morning...and i snoozed it. so heres to 2020, the year i turn the big 4-0, a year hopefully where i have less depressive episodes and feel WAY less lonely and maybe, just maybe i'll even make at the very least, a friend.
  6. my mom is getting worse. i dont know what im going to get when i pick up the phone to call or answer a call. her bad days are hard. she hate life, everyone, and she says some really nasty hurtful things. deep down i think she doesnt mean it, but part of me feels to blame for her unhappiness. the littlest thing set her off and somedays im scared to even pick up the phone. i get it that she is sad, but she lashes out when she is sad and i have a hard time dealing with it. she is mad a lot, more mad than happy these days. i cant fix it, i cant even console her, my life is part of the issue. maybe if i wasnt born she would be happier? I ask god for help everyday and i dont think he hears me. i feel like i dont do anything right by her. i anger her easily and im unsure what im even doing wrong. i know she is sad, beyond sad, and the only thing i know that will help is antidepressants and she is against it, she thinks they are for the weak (which sometimes makes me rethink taking mine). I dont know what else to do. I cant make her happy, in fact, me, as i currently am, makes her sad. Sometimes i wonder if i change my life to her liking, will she be happy? but will i be happy? i could probably suck up my unhappiness and hide it if i knew 100% it would make her happy. but im not so sure what will make her happy. does she regret her life? does she regret having us kids? does she regret marriage? or is it her future wasnt what she pictured (no grandkids)? or is it something else? i dont know what to do or how i can help her. i want her to be happy but without her willingness to seek a doctors help, i dont know what else i can do. Its been years now and "just being there" for her hasnt helped at all. In fact, she gets annoyed when I ask how she is. I would of thought having someone show interest would make someone feel special and loved. Now that im not allowed to ask, i fear things will turn and she will think I/us do not care. is there even a solution to helping her? or is this just how things are now?
  7. i tell myself writing doesnt help but neither does holding it all in. im beyond lost. im beyond sad. im beyond lonely. i took a step back from everything this past year to protect myself and all its done is show me how alone i am in this big world. I sadly built my walls back up and just sit inside thinking. I didnt push anyone away. i just stopped "begging" for conversation and time and apparently everyone was happy to rid of me. everyone around me is literally getting married and having babies and its truly ******* me. its the one thing i wanted in life...to be a mom. and no matter how many time i ask god why, or what my purpose is, or whats his plan for me....deep down i know im going to grow old alone. i think about it all the time and i cant stop. why was i not meant to be a mom? why dont i get to have a family? why do i have to grow old all by myself? i try to convince myself that i would be an awful mom and my poor child will have depression and thats why god isnt allowing it. but i read online about all these parents overdosing with their babies nearby or these horrible parents abusing their child and i think to myself...why did they get to be parents? i joined groups that share the same interest as I, ive made contacts but not outside the group meetings. I got involved in my community and again, no contacts out side the group meetings. I secretly wished id meet someone to date with hopes to evolve my life and at the very very least...make a friend. i even joined yet another dating site....i think this is the 5th one. Every week im reminded from my mom how sad she is and how much she hates her life, and how much she thought how life would be different. (she wants to be a nana badly and my brother/sister-inlaw cant have kids)) I know her comments arent trying to hurt me, she is just expressing her hurt. I dont tell her my thoughts, i let her believe im happy how my life is (cause she over worries). but it truly kills me to see how sad and upset she is. she has to listen to her brothers/sisters talk about their grandkids and i know she is jealous and hurt. My cousin who has been alone her whole life like me, had mental health issues like me...all of a sudden out of the blue got married this year and literally just had a baby and i know now my mom is now concerned about me. I wish more than anything that i would find a guy to love me so i can make her and my wish come true. but what if its not in my cards? im convinced i dont deserve to be a mom but my mom deserves to be a grandmother. why doesnt god hear our cries? what did i do wrong? im almost 40...my days of being a mom are coming to an end im scared of my future. once my parents are gone...thats it...I will officially have no one to talk to...my holidays will be alone. i will be completely alone. I watched my grandparents deteriorate and how everyone stepped in to help with food shopping, doctors appts, taking meds, and just every day care. Im very concerned how I will get by at that age when i have no family (and probably no money to hire anyone). Ive seen how many get neglected in nursing homes, and how my grandparents didnt get care unless one of us specifically hunted down a nurse. i know people will respond with "everyone deserves happiness" but im kinda convinced that perhaps i really don't. I talk to god daily...im in no means spiritual.. id just like to believe that someone is listening to me, even though part of my knows im just talking to myself. I do believe everything happens for a reason, so there must be a reason why life is this way, i just cant grasp what it could be. a life of no love, no companionship, no hugs, no kisses, no "i love you", no "have a good day", no "drive safely" no "good mornings or good nights" just complete solitude. during all my years of struggles with depression i would fight thru my days with thoughts that life would get better. and yes, things got better, i no longer have haunting thoughts and such, but this isnt quite the life i anticipated. and i dont know how to go up from here.
  8. allalone6

    I'm Broken

    im broken, in more ways than one. Over the years ive tried to glue it all back together but pieces are just dangling and ready to fall off. I feel like im a discarded glass placed in a dark corner of a cabinet shelf to be forgotten. I see light once in a while when the door opens but then its quickly back to darkness. sitting there knowing my fate will be to be eventually tossed to the trash. I watch as other glasses, plates, and bowls are grabbed, with hope one day I will be picked up and brought on the same journey they are.
  9. As i go for my daily walk thru my neighborhood I notice more and more houses that were once quiet now littered with kids toys. more and more little families popping up. everyone is progressing and im just standing still. at least im not going backwards....although these days i really cant tell. I might be, im still unsure if it was me that caused my friends to stray or them just moving on in life, so I could be going backwards because I just keep to myself because i have no other choice. ive been struggling to pay bills these last few months cause i havent made a single commission at my job. I have no leads lined up either. its causing me to have too much free time on my hands as well. ive ran out of yard projects to do...ive done over every garden bed and moved around everything possible in my yard, theres not much else i can do that doesnt cost money. i started biking again, getting out and seeing the trails again. solo activities can get old quick though. ive always imagined that one day i would have one of those little carriages on the back of my bike pulling my kids. silly dream. someday i suppose i'll find my place in life, hopefully. i just really dont want to grow old alone. im sad, and I cant fix it, the one thing i truly want in life I cant make happen. I live in this shell, I appear all peachy on the outside and im drowning on the inside.
  10. these last 9 months ive noticed a huge change in me. im sadder. im more aware of what my life actually is rather holding on to the idea of what it could be. ive lived my entire life grasping onto that idea....just to keep me going. and well...my life is never going to go the way my "idea" is and im seeing that now. ive become a lot more reserved....everyone that has wanted to leave my life, ive let them leave with out a fight....im just literally going thru motions of each day. ive gained weight and im struggling to get it off, i feel like this is all i have at this point. no friends, no husband, no kids, not successful, not attractive, not anything, but at least i was skinny...and now im not. i exercise more than in years past. I walk daily but im guessing its stress related or something i feel like such a huge failure, i mean, im proud i was able to get thru all my really bad bouts of depression and suicidal times by giving myself this false hope and idea that my life would eventually be wonderful. but its backfiring in my face. i try to look on the bright side and im thankful for having a job and roof over my head. i just wish my life consisted more of just waking up....going to the office ...and coming home. literally that is it. my only conversations are with my mother and 80% of it is her venting or over reacting about something and me trying to help her. sometimes my daily (or even twice a day) walks do me more harm than good. my mind races when im walking, i think about everything, and play the game of "if my life was like x...what would i be doing right now) and then i pass all these homes with kids outside playing, and pass by families or couples out for walks and i just smile and continue on my solo trek with that fake smile on my face. i miss meaningless chit chat and the private jokes that only you and your friend would understand. the random texts. right now im watching 4 woman in my town common taking group pictures and posing funny and laughing hysterically, it looks like they have been reunited after some time away...perhaps friends..maybe sisters...but their laughing and their bond is so wonderful to see and hard to not watch and stare. Its very sweet to see and at the same time sad to realize i wont ever have that. so where do i go from here? how do i move on and not hurt so much? how do i become comfortable with the silence. how does one adapt? im so under-prepared for this part of my life. and no amount of "google searches" answers my questions. how do i stop holding on to the idea of being a mom, how do i just move on and accept all this? how do i live....and be ok?
  11. so nothing like a good ole weekend with family to reinforce in your little head that you are a loser. We got together for a bridal shower for my cousin who was the only other one in my family like me...almost 40, quiet, reserved and not dating....but yup she is getting married....she is already pregnant and she is beyond happy, and im happy for her, but yes it really hurts my heart. my aunts joked with my little 25 yr old cousin that shes next! im not even thought about...they all gave up on me. as they should. on a separate note, the one person i was hoping to hear from on my bday, not only waited til the end of the day to acknowledge it but that was it. We exchange every year, and this past christmas, she did blow me off about meeting up and also didnt bother getting me a gift (its not about the gift part) I toyed with it in my head about where do i stand with her, are we friends, are we not, did i do something? do i say something? is it in my head? part of me told me to let go and leave her alone, which i have....i dont reach out, but her bday came in march....i sent a present cause i still care about her. her father in law died in april....i sent condolences and sent her daughter a little memory gift. gifts were acknowledged for both occasions....but no convo out side that....as my bday approached, i got anxiety, as i knew this was going to be how i found out if i had a friend or not. i really deep down thought she would send me something for my bday...even just a few flowers or something...but nothing came. At this point i can safely say she is politely trying to say the friendship is over. I will retreat and let the friendship go....however her daughters bday is in a few weeks, do i still get her daughter a gift? I dont want her to think im clinging on but i also dont want her daughter to feel "forgotten" suggestions?? i know life isnt easy for anyone, but i sure feel like mine chose to have quite the most challenging course to keep me on my toes. if im not meant to be a mom, then it is what it is, if im not meant to be a wife, then it is what it is, if im not meant to have friends, then i guess it is what it is, but im scared to enter this level of my life knowing my next 40 years will be alone. I can fake happiness all I want, but I think the loneliness will do me in.
  12. allalone6

    no words

    i know worth isnt based on how others treat you, but at the same time, I lack feeling worthy cause im so alone. no one reaches out to me, no one talks to me, i feel very unliked and unloveable to the point of feeling unworthy. sometimes i lie in bed at night and pray to god to please let my one and only wish in life of being a mom come true, then i downplay it and ask for at least to have someone love me if i dont truly deserve to be a mom, and then i think, if i dont deserve a spouse or companionship could i at least get a friend to talk to once in a blue moon? ive sadly been lying in bed asking of all this for over the past 10 years. perhaps its selfish of me to ask these things of god when there are more deserving individuals. im almost at the point to putting on my online dating profile the scary truth...how i suffer from major depression, for years wished i was dead, and how im alone at 39 and never had any relationship because i have issues, that i got locked up in a mental hospital, that i tend to hide away, that i have no friends, no self esteem, that im not attractive and now am really desperate for companionship. that Im scared to grow old alone. ive lived alone for the past 13 years and its taken its toll on me. so please look past all that baggage and send me a hello... i can literally these past few days feel myself falling apart on the inside and i cant control it. its so frustrating. like i need to be held with loving arms to feel some comfort but sadly my own arms cant help. and i cant share how i feel with anyone. it doesnt help that when i logged on fb this morning...1 person announced the birth of their baby and 2 others announce they were pregnant and in between it all you see everyones adorable little toddlers and kids. and then when i signed into my email....my association sent out an email congratulating two members of their newest little bundles of joy. my heart is completely broken. i try to find a new purpose in life but my thoughts constantly go back to motherhood. i dont see myself ever "getting over" the idea that it wont happen. im going to be haunted of it the rest of my life and as much as i am happy for others it literally hurts my heart everytime i see everyone elses wonderfully little children. anyways...its my bday tomorrow....officially 39...and officially still have nothing in life....heres to another 40 years of solitude....
  13. allalone6

    back at it

    so I stopped writing cause coming here oddly went from a great place for relief to a place that reminds me how sad my life is. When I reread my posts from years earlier and I see how things are the same, it makes me feel worse. so i stopped writing all together. I figured, why have proof of life thats standing still? or getting worse. (yet, here i am, cause thats how pathetic i am) So i swore off everyone in 2019. i decided to stop reaching out and putting myself in a position to be blown off. and as much as that sounded like the best thing to do for my mental health, I have sat here for the past 5 months not hearing from a sole. Turns out I learned, if I didnt make the attempt, no one cared if I was here or not. Ive started getting more involved in my town, volunteering a lot more and getting into town government. Ive made acquaintances...people know my name and say hello, but nothing goes beyond that. its just something to do to fill all my empty voids work is going poorly, being commission based...I have nothing lined up, I thought i had a few clients in my pocket but they all went with other people. im starting to to let everything get to me again. things out of my control, things i cant change, things i know will never happen for me...its been piling up. (hence why i gave back in to writing) loneliness really can do such a number on you. It certainly makes you feel like you suck at life, thats for sure. When you cant even master companionship then there is something wrong with you. so anyways....i guess i just wish work would pick up for me so I dont stress about finances and so im busy and wont have time to focus on the emptiness around me.
  14. tired of my solo life. when i got myself thru my most darkest moments in life when i was younger, i promised myself that life would get better, to hang on, to not give in to the depression, that one day I will look back on all this and smile that i got through it. i really thought life would of turned out different. i never prepared myself for solitude, how does one truly prepare for that? I honestly thought one day id have a family and a reason to live. just going through the motions of the day...going to work...coming home...no friends....solo activities...its...well....very trying. it never crossed my mind when I was younger that i could possibly live a life where i could go days without talking to anyone. i always had it in my head that life would just get better, that nothing could be worse than being a victim stuck inside my own volatile head. but you know what, this lonely life isnt all that much of a step up. i mean, ya...the suicidal thoughts are rare these days, and im not constantly putting myself down as much, and i see situations clearer now, but the sadness is still there....the "not good enough" feeling is still there, and im quite aware of what im missing out on and it hurts. i suppose in the big picture of things this life is better than the previous. but its still not great, but i guess i shouldnt complain or whine and be grateful
  15. allalone6

    2019

    She texted me saturday to say thank you for the gifts and that her husband grabbed them on his way out and left them in his truck all that time....I replied back but havent seen or heard from her since. I probably will just leave her alone from here on. If she wanted me to be apart of her life she would make an effort, so i think its best for my mental health to just move on quietly
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