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About franccesca

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  • Birthday 07/29/1978

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  1. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  2. So I was actually liking the extra energy that the Prozac was giving me in the first week. Now its been a four days since my dose went up to 40mg and the energy is gone. I mean completely. I am really frustrated with my complete lack of motivation. All I want to do is sleep and relax and do nothing mentally. Which really really sucks for me because I'm a computer programmer and I NEED to be working my mind for eight hours a day and being productive, but my productivity has just dwindled. I've probably accomplished as much in the last week that I would usually code in one day. I'm not sure what to do, in fact, I almost feel like I don't care - more like I only care to a point and then I'm like "eeehhhhh" Its really weird to have gone from complete saddness and dispair and worying and anxiety to just "ehhhhh." I'm completely apathetic, that's what it is. I am contemplating going down to the store and getting one of those five hour energy drinks to see if it will give me some energy and motivation to get out of my pajamas, clean my house, and get some coding done.
  3. This first week on Prozac has been kind of strange. I suffered from severe anxiety before I started it, and it has seemed to really increase that anxiety. I also have had diarrhea and difficulty sleeping in. I have been waking up at least an hour to two hours before my alarm clock goes off and no matter what I do I can't go back to sleep. I feel like getting up and going for a run because I have so much energy. Since I've been practicing the mindfulness that my psychologist suggested I am able to keep myself from freaking out at how much anxiety I have - that has helped me calm myself down. The six and seventh days that I was on the Prozac the anxiety seemed to lessen a bit, and I actually slept in a little today, which is nice because I really needed it. Yesterday I increased to 40mg (two 20mg pills) and so far I haven't seen the crazy spike in anxiety, which makes me really happy. If I feel the major change like I did at the end of the first week, I think I will be really glad that I finally decided to get on the AD. I have heard that AD can make people appear as zomies, but all it seems it has done to me is increase my ability to control my emotions, or at least not be overcome by them and then get rolled into a panic attack. My mind is still a crazy madhouse, but with the AD, I have more control on how I emotionally react to what is going on in my mind. When I feel the anxiety coming on I just take a deep breath and watch it until it passes. I have also been doing a lot of journaling and identifying some of the things that make me depressed, and instead of trying to act normal or push it down, I just let myself cry and tell myself it will be ok. I think the most important thing right now for me is self love and self nourishment...it really does help.
  4. Hi! I've only been on the Prozac for four days now, started on Monday. I am only taking 20mg for the first seven days, and then increasing to 40mg after that. I can't say that I feel any different really. After I take it in the morning I tend to be a bit wound up/anxious until later in the afternoon and it goes away. I don't know if it is because it starts to kick in in the afternoon or if mornings are just anxious for me. I have felt like I am quite wired though, like I could totally do without the coffee in the morning, but I love my coffee so I drink it and even just a half a cup will make me feel like I need to go for a run to get all my wiggles out. The major side effect I've experienced so far is diarrhea, every morning since I started taking it I have it. It kind of sucks, the diarrhea.
  5. I went to see my psychologist yesterday and she told me she's not sure that I have Dysthymia even though I was diagnosed, which is good, but kind of bothers me because it is nice to have a reason for feeling so crappy. She said she thinks that I just tend to get depressed during stressful situations, but wants to work with me and talk with me until we have exhausted our options with cognitive therapy. I really like her, she's probably around 65 and has a PHD which is good because I immediately respect her education and she is old enough to be my mother so I do see her as a kind of elder apart from the psychologist side. While we're talking she pulls down medical books off her shelf and reads me the actual medical terminology and we discuss it and what it means - and if we agree with it. Its quite a change from the therapist who just listens to you talk - I don't really need a shoulder to cry on anymore so its nice to have actually found a good psychologist who realizes that I'm ready to make a change and need the right tools and a teacher. So I started Fluoxetine yesterday. She thinks it will help me get though my divorce and this tough time, but doesn't want me on it more than nine months. I will be going back in to see her again in 10 days. Until then I have some homework. I am supposed to start reading up on Mindfulness - she really likes Jon Kabat-Zin and told me to do some research. I am also supposed to start making a list of any re-accuring patterns that I see in my thoughts over the next ten days. This is going to be hard for me because I am already so observant of my thoughts...so involved in them and already analyze them that just in the time since I left her office yesterday I haven't really found any thoughts that should be causing me so much distress. I'm beginning to wonder if the constant observation of mine is the problem....if that is what is causing me the anxiety and depression - that its just so exhausting weighing and judging myself like I do... I also dropped off the divorce papers to my ex yesterday and then he called me in the evening to ask me if I was sure - which is absolutely ridiculous after everything he has done and said. I got really angry and yelled at him and eventually had to hang up because he repeatedly changes the subject and piles on the guilt trips. Its really sad when someone just can't accept the truth. Its like a person beating a dog and then when the dog won't come to them when they call they say "Well you were never a good dog anyhow..." He actually told me that when he married me he thought we would be together forever, not that I would leave as soon as it stopped being convenient - yeah, its not convenient anymore for my psyche or my heart - but whatever, we'll ignore the fact that you told me to leave in the first place. When I think about this situation and him, I just get angry. Really really angry. I know the truth and I know what is right, but I have doubts....I doubt myself too much, I'm too insecure. Even though I know what he says doesn't make sense and actually quite psycho I still question myself...still get afraid that I'm not doing the right thing. In relation to my depression and anxiety I think that kind of goes hand in hand with me analyzing my thoughts all the time....so afraid to do the wrong thing and of being a bad person. I want to believe in fairy tales and true love and that everyone is a good person, and he plays on that and piles on the guilt trips. I need to stop questioning myself, and I need to stop expecting everyone around me to live up to this grandiose ideas I have - maybe that would minimize some of my disappointment in life. Anyways, so that's where I am today. I woke up this morning and took my medicine and felt a twinge of sadness. I think just because I can't wait for it to kick in. It kind of sucks because I have never wanted to be on anti-depressants but find myself really wanting some relief so I think I could manage it for nine months - especially if it helps. I just hope that if someone reads this fist post and in two weeks I start going TOO far over into the bubbly happy side that they say something. I don't want to be an un-natural happy, but I don't know that I can tell the difference.
  6. Feeling anxious today

  7. I'm ok, how are you? I think I might give the blog thing on here a try...

  8. I should have read this first before I posted about depression and co-dependency because I was asking just that question, and here it is, someone saying that a lot of depressed people are co-dependents. Does anyone think that we are depressed because we are co-dependent or we are co-dependent because we don't know how to cope with our depression? Or are they two completely different things that each develop separately because of different things? I am asking because my co-dependency feels like it is from my depression - depressed to me feels like desperate....desperate to feel better so desperate for love, acceptance, anything to take away this pain!
  9. Hi Josh, You're a pretty funny guy, and you definitely have a head on your shoulders. I would share everything you just wrote with the doctor, and don't spare any details. It is obvious that you are really angry too, and probably passive aggressive because of your parents. I'm not a doctor, but I do deal with anger issues, and am passive agressive - stuff it all down. If I were you I would distance yourself from them for a while, so you have the space to work on yourself. I would also consider talking to the therapist about learning how to be more assertive with your family and standing up for yourself in a healthy way. You might find that in order to work on yourself you need to cut out the negative people, or learn how to not have it hit so deeply. I think this is a good place to talk as well. I just joined today and it is nice to be able to talk to other people and read about their stories too....having support helps. Franccesca
  10. Hi TardisGrl, I don't know a lot about paxil but I took it once for a while and felt like I was having a constant panic/acid trip. It scared the crap out of me so I stopped it and never went back to the doctor. It sounds like it is the medication, like you've been discussing. Franccesca
  11. Wow Francesca, Can I ever relate to your questions. I too, am dysthymic with a history of co-dependent relationships. I have been on anti-depressants for 16 years now (started at age 34), and with the right medication, my depression went (mostly) into remission before the med "pooped out" recently. I am being tried on a different medication now. Anyway, I have long wondered whether my relationships would have been more functional, if I had been diagnosed and medicated properly from a younger age. My relationships have primarily been with other depressives, or other troubled or otherwise non-functional men, where the signs of problems were evident, but I plunged ahead anyway. I tend to be dependent in these relationships, and to try to "help" these men. I believe that to a large degree, this relationship pattern developed as a problem secondary and co-morbid with the depression. I', too, believe that entering into these relationship was a way of my trying to cope with and "cure" my own depression. So, as for meds, my advice to you is a big "YES." As for the rest, maybe we can help each other, cause I am certainly in the same boat, and can see myself replaying the same dynamic over and over again, even up to the present. I look forward to seeing you around DF again. Hi Lucy! I'm so glad you posted, I can't believe how much you sound like me. I definitely tried to "help" my soon to be ex, over and over and over and over....a normal person would have ran away a long time ago. I thought he would change if I just loved him enough, but he is an addict and has his own deep issues and is probably depressed too, in fact I know he is....maybe that's why I was drawn to him, cause I saw a bit of myself in there. I still can't believe I took so much emotional abuse from him, my family wasn't like that, but I can definitely say I don't know if I would have realized everything I have about myself in the last two months if I hadn't been with him....its all really still fresh and hurts very badly. I've often wondered if there is more to co-dependency that the medical field hasn't realized....not that I'm suggesting that everyone who has Dysthymia is a co-dependent, but you and I definitely sound alike. I've been spending time thinking about my childhood too, trying to figure out when it started or what triggered it. I'm lost there because I remember being really happy as a child and my parents were awesome, I was very shy though and had a VERY short fuse. My father used to say that I had my own "concept of justice." That temper had been dormant since my childhood until I married my ex - then after the emotional abuse started I just started to loose it more and more, and lash out. I'm ashamed at some of the things I've done, but I know I can't change what's happened... But there is a history of depression and mental illness in my family too. My grandfather, his father and his mother all committed suicide. He was a paranoid schitzo who was a major depressive. I thought it had ended with him, and then my dad got sick with cancer - I think that could have been the tipping point for me, I was really young...probably 11 or 12 when they found out, and then he passed away when I was only 19. Seven or eight years there with him in treatments and being afraid he was going to die and then he did. Since then my life has been nuts. I did manage to get my masters degree and have a good job, but outside education and work I really suck at relationships....I'm a horrible friend too, always absorbed in myself and my own life, and always seem to pick the WINNERS!!! Anyhow, all my siblings are borderline alcoholics, and have their own issues in one way or another. Strange though we all have seemed to succeed when it comes to work or education. Well I will stop myself here, I could keep writing and rambling forever. I would like to hear your story too, maybe we could help each other like you said.
  12. Hi Chrystal, thanks for your response. The VA hospital keeps signing me up for a "Healthy Thinking" class, and I want to go to it very badly. I went to the first class of one session and then didn't go back, not because I didn't want to but this was right before my divorce started happening and now I can't afford to take the four hours off each week to go to class in the middle of the day. It is really upsetting to me because I think it would help a lot - I know my thought patterns are unhealthy, I definitely can't slow them down enough right now to manage them that's for sure. My mind is a very mean record that keeps repeating the same things over and over. What you said makes sense, I can definitely get lost in rationalization.... It just really sucks...I can't believe that there isn't a cure for Dysthymia - Ahhhh! That just makes me even more depressed
  13. Hi jimbow, thank you for the nice welcome.

  14. Hi franccesca and Welcome to DF

  15. Hi Everyone, I'm knew here to this forum. I've been doing a lot of reading lately, trying to make up my mind about whether to go on antidepressants....I've never really trusted them, and somehow thought that I could "think" myself well. I was on Prozac for about 6 months back in the military and it did wonders...I actually thought it wasn't working right because I couldn't believe that people could actually be that happy normally. I havn't taken anything since then until now, and my doc gave me clonapin to help me get through my current situation because my stress is off the charts. Well, 11 years now after being diagnosed with Dysthymia in the military, I am finally at my wits end. After all my reading, and thinking (I am going through my second divorce now before the age of 32, which has of course prompted this research and looking at myself to try and figure out why my life is like this) I have finally accepted that I really do have Dysthymia. I didn't believe it at first, thought I was just "thinking" wrong, or "believed" the wrong things - but no change in my thoughts or beliefs, or even getting an education or my job has given me any relief from this underlying pain that is always there....sometimes its just covered up more, but it is always there....like a longing for those days I do remember truly smiling and laughing as a kid. Anyways, so to what I was going to say - Through all my reading and thinking over my life and the failed relationships, bad decisions, emotional vulnerability, etc, etc, etc - I find myself thinking that I am most likely co-dependent too. Its the only reason I can find for staying in an emotionally abusive relationship for five years, or even being attracted to the person and not recognizing the signs. But what I'm wondering is if the codependency can develop out of Dysthymia? I mean, is it possible that some of my failed relationships and stupid decisions have been desperate attempts at fixing this underlying pain within me? Do you guys think that it is possible for us to develop other disorders too after years and years of being miserable - say as some type of coping mechanism? I don't know why I find this so interesting, I think its because I've always been very logical and somehow think that if I understand it will help me rationalize it and conceptualize it and then be able to act appropriately....I don't know. Just a lot of thoughts going on in my head, trying to search for causes...so I can work on the fixes kind of thing. I always thought that my depression was situational - but as I look back over the last 15 years, all I see is situation after situation that could cause depression, and then with my last failed relationship I learn about co-dependency and it makes sense and I can see myself almost creating these situations...and then being miserable...its like a crazy cycle that just keeps repeating itself and I feel lost and out of control, and confused, and scared and anxious. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any of the same problems that they think might stem from Dysthymia? It is really making me consider seriously for the first time about getting back on Prozac and staying on it - something has got to change now anyhow. I absolutely refuse to repeat this cycle anymore, its so frustrating. Thanks for your responses.
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