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Everything posted by user1492

  1. Up, down, happy, sad - totally messed up. It's been just over two weeks since I was told my ex has passed away. Separated for just over three years, haven't spoken with her at all in that time - divorce was getting ugly as they just kept asking for more spousal support. I thought I had cried all I could after the Separation, but now that she is gone the grief is overwhelming.
  2. Red Green is funnier, in my opinion at least!
  3. I'm doing much better, sleeping at night like I am supposed to, awake during the day except for a few nice guilt free naps. Still no isolated though.... Still alone .. Maybe it's all the dating site ads that keep me coming back... Maybe it's that question 'what now?'
  4. Laying here listening to the heavy rain, it's incredibly heavy! Managed to buy the lumber I need for the next repair on this place, now I just need to find the energy and motivation! I hope everyone is doing well this weekend!
  5. Yesterday I helped load, unload and split four truck loads of firewood, got all my housework done...followed by a good night's sleep. Freaked out because the dread and fear and anxiety feel far away....
  6. I'm a good actor, I know what is expected of me and that's how I act....I also need the structure/routine....keeping a mask on can be exauhsting though, but I manage
  7. Woke up early, feeling ready to get going...when I started to move, I couldn't. Just could not work up the motivation to move. So now I am stressing about how much more work I'll have to do tomorrow to get back on track. Questioning if it's even worth the effort
  8. Feeling decent.... Still procrastinating about a few big steps, but I'll get to them tomorrow....maybe For now I need a nap!
  9. It's a get stuff done day.... Already cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom... Pretty sure my neighbours are listening to John Lee Hooker....so far they haven't asked me to turn it down
  10. Doctor's appointments are so bizarre now.... All done over the phone Doubled the dosage of effexor....lets see how this works....
  11. Today is a really bad day I really wish I hadn't gotten out of bed, made it through the work day, now i'm laying in bed again and it sucks.
  12. I hate it when I am like that They made me take a week off - infortunately the lack of routine really messed with my head...I think i do need to take a LOT more time away from work, right now I have enough saved up to retire and live comfortably for about a week....
  13. 100% they are an addiction!! Unlike 'normal' people they manipulate you to experience the limits of your emotions....both good and bad. And like an addiction, that craving pops up from time to time
  14. I am fighting an urge to call my ex. Over two years no-contact... She is a full on narcisist:(
  15. I am the cause of most of my stress....back myself into catch-22's and then work myself up trying to figure out the best way out
  16. I have those days where the Tazmanian Devil takes over - i get so much done, but drive my body till it reminds me i'm old....then i crash and cant do anything, except feel guilty about not keeping up the pace I had... As far as 'normal' i've decided there is no such thing! Normal is the mask I wear for everyone else.
  17. Overwhelmed by the list of things that need to get done... So much to do, I can't decide where to start. If there was a procrastination contest I should win, ive found excuses to avoid finishing so many tasks! Maybe a nap will help me sort this out
  18. Dr's appointment next week, new therapist intake appointment thursday....managing to keep moving, doing most of the basic housework. Still managing to put on a happy face and go to work, but it's so draining, feel totally burnt out and pointless
  19. Trying o figure out exactly how i got here... Raised by a disabled mother Raped by a neighbor at ten Then 11 Married a narcisist Narcicist calls me a rapist How do I keep going?
  20. I was always the helpful one, the one who stepped up to help people. Now, I can't even help myself Ive got nothing of any use, to any body.
  21. Had the first hearing for the divorce today, it did not go well. In the legal system, it seems the spoils go to the liars Next will be a full trial Havnt been able to hold any food down today - not sure how to drag my ass into work tomorrow
  22. Found out a former neighbor suddenly passed away yesterday... Just what I needed Today i am stuck on the couch, had great plans that are all shot now. I MUST find the key difference between decadant lazy and depressive lazy, maybe then i could enjoy napping all day?
  23. I am representing myself...but I do have legal help, two consultations with a lawyer and advice from a friend who works in a family law practice... I am going to fight till she gets nothing - right now i am pretty sure she is at least matching my income - if not besting it! I just cant handle that feeling of impending doom - its bad enough when there is no rational explanation - now with the uncertainty its all encompassing!
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