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flowerpower89

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About flowerpower89

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  1. This is a long shot seeing as you haven’t visited since 2013, but I had to reach out in case you do get this message. 

    I’ve been struggling with my depression and anxiety for about four years now, but it’s gotten worse than ever in the last year.

    I’ve spent so many hours searching on Reddit and Google for answers about my mental health, honestly just wanting to know that somebody out there could possibly know how I feel.

    Today I came across one of your posts, and it was like someone else writing my feelings out word for word. I felt the same about most of your other posts, too.

    I realize this would have been about four plus years ago for you, but I’m 23 now, which is about the age you were back then. I related to all the feelings you described so much, and you sounded so much like I do now. 

    I know that this is probably extremely strange and random, but if this message does somehow reach you today (in almost 2018 lol) I would love to know how you’re doing, and if you could give me any advice that you wish you could have heard when you were 23 and feeling like this. 

    I just feel like I’ve been nonstop, aimlessly soul-searching for the last year and I’m looking for any kind of answer I can get. 

    Pls let me know if you ever see this message, and I hope that you’re doing well now! 

     

    ~ Cara

     

    1. siaa

      siaa

      Not to sound weird, but I literally just found this site, and was reading one of flowerpower89's posts as well and I was like this is my life 100%.

      I live in London too, I'm 24, no job, I have 1 friend up here (I'm from the west country, and I don't really have many friends anyway) and getting up to take a shower and leave my flat is an achievement. 

      So if you see this Cara, or flowerpower89, then I'd be happy to talk. It's nice to know I'm not actually a freak and that other people actually understand. 

       

  2. I have just turned 24 and I have lived in London UK my whole life. I have come to the conclusion that I hate living here. I feel like I don't fit in or belong here at all. I travel to places like Spain, Belgium & Holland a few times a year and I feel more accepted there somehow. London makes me feel lonely & depressed. I actually feel trapped here. I know they say if you are tired of London then you are are tired of life, but I'm not tired of life really. I wan't to get out in the world and do adventurous things and meet nice people but that never happens to me here in London. I don't know what it is I hate so much about it or why, but to me it's just a miserable, grey, dull place full of unhappy looking people. When I go abroad, I can go out by myself to a bar or a cafe, and it feels normal. I can't do that in London because it feels like I am judged as a weirdo if I don't have anyone with me. Maybe it's because I have never really been happy with my life, and I associate the monotony of London as a significant part of that reason. Do any of you feel the same way about your hometown or city?
  3. If I had to take a picture to represent my life it would look very similar to your avatar Stuarachel! You're not alone.
  4. I know how you feel, I feel my appearance has affected the way people have treated me over the years, but in the past couple of years I have taken steps to improve my appearance, and it does make a big difference to the way people treat you. Almost anything is possible really. What is it exactly that you feel makes you unattractive? Is it something obvious or are you actually normal looking but just have an unfriendly expression on your face? Are you in good shape, whats your posture like, height etc...? These are all key things in the way people perceive you.
  5. Yea I also like stormy weather. I find it exciting, relaxing and feel cozy when I take shelter or watch it from my window. I also like severe rainy weather when I'm inside a tent. I prefer more summery, tropical storms like in Florida, to the cold miserable ones. Bad weather reminds me that nature is a powerful force, and that survival is what really feels good in the grand scheme of things.
  6. Failure to me means no job (unable to provide), no partner (not good enough to replicate), dependent on others and a lack of self defense from the ages of say 25 to 45. This is in modern day society, but even in hunter-gatherer times or in the animal kingdom, the failure is the one who can't provide, has no status and eventually gets mauled to death.
  7. I sympathize with you EH, I too feel like in many ways some higher force has been playing a joke on me. I often ask myself "what did I do to deserve being punished this harshly in life?". Its as if I am not 'permitted' to experience certain things in life, but yet I am given an extra desire for them, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't trick mother nature. This pattern of thinking causes arguments and anger with myself, in my head. Right now, despite all of my emotions, I find doing absolutely nothing with myself comforting in a way, even though I know it isn't helping me in any way mentally or physically. Instead of looking forward to going out & socializing with friends like a normal 23 y/o, I look forward to sitting on my bed with my cat watching the Simpsons, drinking a alcohol and looking at random junk on the internet.
  8. I agree, I believe every human is important when you look at the big picture and consider the miracle of life. The people who have it all will of course experience misery, for instance the sail on their yacht may have broken or they may have to miss out on sex for one night - its still a feeling of misery, but to a dehydrated person struggling to survive in the desert, a bottle of cold water would be the best thing in the world, if you get what I mean. Its the basic fundamentals of life that need to be fulfilled to experience happiness and contentment. I'm not a materialistic person. I don't desire fancy cars, plasma Tv's and so forth, I also don't necessarily want a big high profile job that will cause me a lot of unnecessary stress just to help some big corporate company gain some more money...I believe in fairness & equality. All I want in life is the ability to fit in, feel loved and to love back, feel secure and be confident in my own skin. This is something that any well developed human/animal should feel by default.
  9. I have just discovered this term, and I can relate to it 100%. I'll be 24 soon and I have been feeling this way for about 2 years. The problem is, I feel I haven't lived or achieved anything, and I've wasted my youth. I have no degree, no career or permanent job. I have no real passion, no motivation but I want to learn from my past and take a second chance at living the life I want but I don't know where to start. I believe a lot of ones success in life is largely due to what is 'handed' to them, either by parents, relatives, friends, mother nature or through validation from others. Many of these happy smiley facebook people grow up with successful parents, are blessed with good looks, are given a gf/bf by the laws of nature, have high levels of confidence instilled in them and often walk into a career with the help of their parents. Like parent like child. I fall short of that sequence. My parents are good people but they are clueless about the real world. My father has always been a follower, and has managed to hold down a career by luck really. He has poor social skills and is very passive. My mother has never had a 'career', although she has held down several jobs over the years. I have spent thousands on my face to try and look better. I have no friends anymore, no social life and I don't get the validation from others I need in life to have the confidence and self esteem to fend for myself. I am turning out just like my parents, but I may not get the lucky break they did to survive and hold down a normal suburban family life. At the moment I seem to be repressing the issue by living on the internet all day, watching TV and sleeping. I keep saying to myself "once the weather gets a bit better" or "give it a few more weeks and things will pick up" but all I'm doing is postponing the problem. I need a plan of action and the motivation now but I just can't do it. Is anyone else on here going through this era of life with similar problems to me? Please share your stories & advice, Thanks.
  10. I too have some personality traits that I sometimes have to question. I am a very gentle & nice person but I often watch gory videos, laugh at sick jokes and have some odd lustful urges. To be honest, if I were someone else looking at me, I would think I'm strange and not quite right. When I look a childhood photos of myself, I think I look weird and creepy. I still have that look & vibe about me today. It's not down to a particular feature or defect, it's a look that's embedded deep in my core. I keep wondering if I have some kind of undiagnosed syndrome or a form of autism. The problem is I am very intelligent, so I recognize all of this and I feel the pain of being trapped in what I see as a defective body. I have to step back every once in a while and remind myself I am just a living creature on planet earth and life is temporary and as far as I know it means nothing.
  11. I'm the opposite, a shower is something I actually look forward to and I see it as a luxury. When I don't shower I develop this stale sweaty hair smell that annoys me so I feel I have to shower everyday, and I feel really fresh and relaxed afterwards. I live in a fairly cold & miserable climate so a nice hot shower to me is an escape to a steamy tropical environment.
  12. Yes I am the same especially in supermarkets or even worse, clothes shops. I force myself to look down at the floor because if I keep a level head people look at me in the eye and I look angry and sad, my eyes start to water and I don't know what to do with my hands. I also walk funny when I feel like this. When I'm driving I am constantly tapping my fingers to the beat of songs on the radio. I believe it's called 'stimming', I seem to unconsciously do it whenever I'm in the presence or sight of people but I rarely do it when I'm alone. I'm always paranoid that people think I'm strange, or that they think I have a mental condition.
  13. I like to believe that in the coming years I will get a good job, a nice apartment, a girlfriend and then go on to live a conventional life with marriage & kids etc.. but I'm starting to lose my optimism because as every year goes by, everything is exactly the same. I will probably end up a lonely old man with cats who spends his life on the internet.
  14. Over the past few weeks since we've been having this cold snowy weather I have not had an ounce of motivation to do anything. I have no job at the moment and I literally spend the whole day sitting on my bed with my laptop looking at random internet stuff. My routine is to go to sleep at about 4am and wake up sometime around midday. The most exercise I get is walking downstairs to make a sandwich! Is anyone else in a similar way? How do you get out of this rut?
  15. A nice cup of tea with a digestive biscuit.
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