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About starrykitten

  • Birthday 04/02/1982

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    Madison, WI
  • Interests
    Writing, reading, music, indie/artsy films

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  1. Has anyone else here experienced feeling profoundly lonely but also just really tired of people? I'm feeling down/mad/overwhelmed by friends who suddenly become too busy to do anything and will reschedule even if we've made plans far in advance. A lot of them are on academic calendars (whether as professors or as students) and I get that work can pile up. But I know it's not like they're doing work incessantly--they take breaks, get on Facebook, etc. I just feel like it's really convenient for them to put me off. I don't know if I should say anything (politely but boundary-setting) to them. I feel so taken for granted, like they're always pulling out their busy lives as if I have nothing of my own going on. It's really hard to make new friends where I live, and in a college town it's extra hard to find friends who aren't part of the college, so I can't just easily go out and make new friends. Anyway, when you feel this way, what do you do? Do you hide yourself away on a Netflix binge until you're ready to re-join civilization? Or cope some other way?
  2. Thank you, bethanyblackpool! It's great that you can diagnose your pain like that. Yes, when I first started experiencing reoccurring fatigue and random body pain, I spent a lot of time trying to chase down a physical diagnosis. Finally I had to accept that I was wasting energy trying to find a physical reason for what was probably an emotional problem. Since then, I do struggle with hypothyroid and anemia, which do affect my mood. I happen to know that my thyroid is fine right now, though, and the anemia is getting better. In the past, I have had funky things in my bloodwork even when feeling healthy, though, so I never know. It's fascinating to see the mind/body connections, yes. When Cymbalta came out and it was touted as the first antidepressant that could specifically deal with body pain, I felt like the acknowledgement of that pain's existence was important.
  3. I know that depression can cause body pain, but I have trouble knowing if my pain is from depression or from other things. Today both my legs are sore without any other explanation, and I took potassium and magnesium in case I needed those. Where do you get depression pain in your body? How do you know that's what it is?
  4. These days I often feel like I'm in limbo. I have no desire to die, and less than zero desire to think of how to make it happen. But I'm not crazy about the idea of staying alive in an existence where the bad stuff doesn't let up, where I frequently find myself feeling hopeless. I like my therapist a lot, but otherwise, the mental health care where I live is really bad--I've now tried every prescriber in the area who takes Medicare. My current prescriber just left and they put me with someone I haven't met yet . The only in-patient place here is beyond terrifying. I spent one night there before, convinced them to discharge me, and complained to the state board and hospital administration afterwards. I don't want to have suicidal ideation. But I also don't want to just keep going along, feeling hopeless, dreading so much. I need to move to a different town, but getting everything together takes so much energy, so I feel stuck where I am. Has anyone else experienced a similar situation? Did anything bring relief?
  5. Thank you both for your compassionate replies. It does help to think of shame as a symptom, nothing more.
  6. Tonight I'm really overcome with shame over being depressed/anxious/having ptsd. I don't usually experience this, and deep down I know that there's nothing to be ashamed of. Right now the things I'm going through are interfering with my relationships with other people, primarily my mother. While she has never done much to understand what I go through (and I've suggested support groups, therapy, etc time and again), I know our relationship would be better if I didn't have these problems. I live with her, and we've had the added stress of an uninvited houseguest. Tonight my mother did agree to ask the houseguest to try to leave a couple days earlier because her presence was getting to me. While I know it's okay to set a boundary, especially when it involves someone taking advantage of you, I feel guilty. And all of this on top of professional stress and my ongoing frustration at living here/wanting to live on my own again. I dissociated for a long time today, and I'm worried that things will get worse. Or that I won't be able to get everything done because I'm going through a mental health crisis. So how do I stop feeling ashamed at how messy my life is because of all this stuff?
  7. I've been on Zoloft a lot in the past, and it's always worked well for me with few side effects. A few days ago, I started back on it. (I started at 50 but was agitated and am now at 25 while I adjust, with the plan to raise it.) I've been in a terrible, terrible mood the past couple of days, and I'm attributing it to the Zoloft. Have others experienced irritability on Zoloft? If so, did it go away?
  8. I started a new antidepressant (Trintellix) which sent me into hypomania. And not the happy, creative, fun kind either. My pdoc told me to cut my dose in half and I did, and now I seem to be in the middle of a mixed episode. I'm sure I've had them before but not really known that's what I was experiencing. I'm seeing my pdoc in the morning, but I'm wondering--both to help me through tonight and to help me while I wait for any med changes to help--if there are certain things anyone's found helpful for mixed episodes. I am very agitated and anxious and keyed up, but I'm also lethargic and hopeless and my brain is working really slowly and I'm not getting pleasure out of anything. It's an awful combination. Plus, I worry that the things I'd use to treat one thing will amp up the other. Like I'd ordinarily take my clonazepam when feeling agitated, but I know it'll bring me down more if I take it now. And I don't want to wake up my brain with coffee, lest that make me more jittery. So I don't know how to treat the hypomanic side without worsening the depressed side, and vice versa.
  9. I switched from Cymbalta to Trintellix recently. Because I have a hard time tolerating meds, my pdoc had me stay at 5mg for two weeks, which I tolerated really well. She just upped that to 10 mg a few days ago. Since the dosage increased, I've been quick to tears, had a lot of mood swings, and been more irritable. (I have been irritable from SAD lately, so I can't say for sure what's to blame for the uptick there.) Has anyone else had similar experiences starting/going up on Trintellix? I am hopeful about this med in general and want to be patient with this phase. Hopefully it is just a phase.
  10. I don't live in Madison anymore; forgot to change that. I'm not a student. I'm on SSDI and am a writer, so I spend a lot of unstructured time alone.
  11. Yes I'm on a lot of meds. And I am bored, lonely, unfulfilled. Which could all contribute.
  12. Thanks! I see my therapist on Thursday. I just feel like I'm going out of my skin and want relief now. I have clonazepam I can take that helps some, but it can make me feel down.
  13. For the past couple weeks, I've been feeling extremely impatient (not for anything in particular, just a general sense). Because I have several diagnoses, I'm not sure if the impatience relates mostly to the depression, the anxiety, or some level of hypomania. Or it could come from all three. I just don't know what this anxiety is about, but it's keeping me from enjoying things, and I hate it.
  14. Thank you. I was doing a bit better today and then kept sliding back. My mother did something really upsetting yesterday, so it just added to the awfulness I was feeling, and talking to her just made things worse. Plus I have that awful indecision that comes with depression where I don't know what to do, where every decision seems enormous. I'll try my doctor if need be. My problem is that because my only healthcare is Medicare and I'm in a pretty rural region, the person that manages my meds is not a psychiatrist but a PA without a lot of psychiatric training. And even she is an hour away.
  15. When I'm depressed, I usually have some intuitive idea about what might help. Maybe I'll write or paint or take pictures or nap or read or whatever. The past few days have been different in that I am feeling down and lacking motivation and lacking pleasure, but I don't know how to come back from feeling like this. I had therapy yesterday, and I really don't feel like I need a med change. So, I'm wondering, how do you figure out what it'll take for you to get better? Or do you just try everything, or do you surrender to where you are now?
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