Shuvee

Discouraged and alone.

What does it mean when you take a big step backward in your pseudo-recovery? Is it just a moment of weakness, a blip on the map -- or is it something much graver, a sign that you are sliding back into old ways and moods? Last night I cut myself for the first time in four years. Not very deep; they barely bled at all but now I don't know what to think. Something triggered an emotional overload yesterday afternoon; I tried talking to my sister but it didn't help -- she was supportive; said the 'right' things but I didn't feel settled at all so I went in the bathroom and did it. Not sure I really regret doing it other than regretting that now I will have to great lengths to hide the cuts from everyone. I never wanted to **** myself when I was cutting, nor d Io I want attention -- I just didn't know what to do with the feelings, especially after talking with someone didn't help. Now I just don't know what it means: Am I continually getting worse? Can I just put this behind me? Where do I go from here?

Bingo. What kind of 'friend' calls her friends fugly? Good riddance to rubbish, I say. You deserve better.

Hi Steve You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. In my short time hear you have already proven yourself to me one of the most intelligent, thoughtful and caring posters here (right up there with Lindahurt, BetterOff and others). Don't sell yourself short; building a house and working with electrical control panels sounds incredibly difficult and complex. Like others have said, those are unique skills that very few people possess. I emphathize with your feelings of being a slow learner and one who crumbles under pressure - I always did poorly in school except for my writing classes and there were many instances in the past year where I felt I underperformed at roller derby bouts because of my anxiety. I too have a learning disability, and share your dislike of trying new things because of the risk and perception of failing (be it from others or oneself). It does upset me that your wife was so irritable with your performance at the video game. It sounds like you have little interest in video games and were only attempting to play with her to make her happy. It really is quite terrible that she couldn't recognize your effort to please her by participating in something that had minimal if any allure to you, and only saw that you couldn't 'measure up' to her standards of gaming because you weren't some sort of prodigy. She is lucky (undeserving?) to have you especially when she is acting and thinking in such a self-centered manner.

"No Rain" by Blind Melon

High of 51 yesterday; high of 19 today.:mellow:

That's a pretty loaded statement (question). I think you'd find very few --if any-- depressed persons who didn't want to enjoy life.

It means you have input. For example, my doctor was thinking of putting me on Celexa, since the Cymbalta was not working and had diminished my sex drive. But I said, "What about Wellbutrin; it's worked for a lot of people (even some with ADD like myself) and is known for not causing sexual dysfunction." And he agreed to try me on it; I think because I made shared an informed opinion as opposed to demanding or requesting that I be put on a specific medication without a rationale.

Hello Ziggy, I can empathize with your habit of isolation juxtaposed with wanting to socialize. Loneliness is a terrible feeling. And if you're like me you have a hard time trusting people and letting your guard down (which can make you appear to be arrogant when in fact you are just shy). As for what your therapist said, I think he is onto something but it sounds like he communicated this poorly. You were a victim of your mother and her coldness and you certainly will always have a right to feel that way. I think what your therapist was trying to say is not that you can't acknowledge these feelings, but that you should relinquish the control they have over you and your life. Make a conscious effort to shed the victim label -- why not think of yourself as a survivor; someone who overcame a lot of adversity? A person who is capable of cultivating happiness and functionality?

Like BO said, I would definitely make an appointment with a psychiatrist (and possibly also a therapist) first thing Monday morning. No need to continue to suffering from an illness when there are treatments readily available, especially considering you are worthwhile and deserve that chance. Even just making the appointment(s) can sometimes make you feel more hopeful. Good luck and keep us posted.

To be happy.

Jan, I can only echo what others have said. But please know that I know exactly what it feels like to be scared, desperate and alone and feeling like suicide is the only way out. But more importantly, I want you to know that I am pulling for you.

Interesting. I don't think I have tried taking a Vitamin D supplement for my depression (though I do own a light box/sun lamp). I had tried taking fish oil for several months but didn't notice a difference so I stopped.