Phantastic Mirage

This is interesting because mine is helped by staying in. That could also be because of anxiety..

I just wanted to say that you're not alone in this kind of thinking. Even in the best of times I don't see myself living beyond 70. I am almost 35 now. My reasonings for this is because I've witnesses family deteriorate after this age, and I don't want to go through it either. Changes are equal between the downfall happening sooner or not at all. So, I'm on board with what you and everyone has said that you will not be the same person you were, and things can always change. Usually these ideas aren't entirely set in stone because of all possibilities.

That was extremely positive and helpful. Thank you so much. Sometimes, the weekends aren't enough and I still take additional time off from work. I try my hardest not to do it often, but sometimes it hurts more pushing myself when I don't want to..... At the same time, pushing ones self is often seen as an accomplishment. So, there's almost no wrong answer for that. Just the difference between progress and feeling way to overwhelmed.

Things got better for a while. Life felt good and problems were managable all while talking to a therapist. Was talking to therapist about once a week every week. Then, it got so well that we decreased sessions to every other week. I made a bad decision to leave a job I liked and was good at performing for another job all in the name of trying to get weekends off. Long story short, I heckin hate this job for a mass of reasons. Can't go back to the old job, and I'm having difficulty finding another job. I've gotten advice from doctor and family, but dragging myself out of bed every morning is near unbearable. Diet went to shit because I have no time to prep food (I'm out of the house for 12 to 13 hours everyday) I'm super tired on weekends and do nothing. Nothing really revitalizes me. I'm tired and I just want this new nightmare to be over already.. This has been 6 months running.. I have called out of work occationally, but have been reprimanded from doing it too mich. I'm trying to avoid FMLA again because I feel like it would be falling back on an old crutch. I'm just not sure what's best for me at the moment. It feels like my mantra is "I've tried nothing, and I'm all out of ideas!"

Yep! You're right in ever aspect. Even though I don't like the situation, it's been difficult to want to pose an ultimatum. Also, even though I'm upset, I'm not trying to direct everyrhing at him either. That's unecessary. Even if I say I harbor a small resentment, I won't let that be anger when I talk to him about it again. I suppose at this point I'll use your advice for suggestions on moving forward.

September 19th, 2017 was the last blog entry. A lot has happened since then and I'm thinking of where to begin.. I briefly skimmed over my last entry and it talked about weight loss. I went from 245 to 160.. now I'm back up to 200lbs. Not too proud of that, but haven't worried much about it either. I've been seeing a therapist who has done a wonderful job in helping me change by core beliefs of worth and usefulness. Overall in life, I feel better about myself. Because of this, I'm not using food as a coping mechanism like I used to. Now I eat when I feel like it or when I'm hungry, and not because I feel like I HAVE to stuff all my problems and feelings aside. I've also learned to recognize when to stop eating too. It's a good feeling. What's NOT a good feeling though, is realizing that more and more my chances of a decent enough family life are going away. I've lost so much in 2018. My grandmother whom I've spoken about had died in May. Her favorite brother (my great uncle) died 2 weeks prior. My father who I've only recently gotten back in touch with is now estranged permanently. I will not even visit his death bed. Him, his wife and their family are all gone because of something stupid he did. I've blocked them and the entire side of their family on social media. Even people who had nothing to do with him. I'd rather not be associated with ANYONE who more or less condone his actions. They all have to be dead to me now. I've lost them forever. After all these loses I've had 2 people to rely on other than my therapist. My husband and my mother. I've made attempts to keep in touch with other family members since my grandmother's death, but with all their lives it's been hard to get responses. I've stopped trying and have since been debating how important they are to me. In lighter news, I've been attempting to make friendships. It's been taking its toll since I'm not used to socializing with so many people at once. Overall though I've been feeling good about it. What I'm NOT feeling good about is that more and more I'd like to see myself with my own family. Finally having kids. However, intimacy is still a problem for the husband and I. We are now going on 32 and 40, and I HATE the thought of being an older parent for my own personal reasons. See previous entries of Grandma and care taking..I will NOT put my own kids through that. I've experiences such terrible baby envy lately. So bad that the only thing I haven't wished for were miscarriages.. That would be too evil of me and I'm not that kind of person. Still, I can't help but to feel so angry and extremely sad at this possibility not happening for me. Well.. us, since my husband would be involved too. 3 of my co-workers..all male.. have been having babies with their wives. What did it in for my was the latest announcement. One guy back in 2018 had said that him and his wife would try for a baby starting January.. and it worked. Why is it so easy for some people to get pregnant, but not others? Furthermore, why is it that SOME people are willing to have sex with their wives and I'm legitimately in a sex starved marriage?? Even with being more confident and almost curing my depression, this is one thing holding me back. I love my husband dearly, but why is our sexual intimacy so lacking?? I've ALREADY talked to him about this, and it's nothing more than beating a dead horse at this point. First, it's because I never initiated, now I come on to strongly. Make up your damn mind! The plight of marrying a gamer, I guess. ****ing.. I hate gamers and I'm really starting to resent my husband for my own selfish reasons. But then I have to wonder, is it really selfish, or is it because I've finally decided what I want in life and I can't do it without him being on board too? We're just too mismatched when it comes to ambitions and life goals. We love each other, but the longer I make this stand, the more I will hate the marriage. Nothing's really wrong though. So, I have to ask again, is this selfish? Probably, but do I care? I don't know yet. Life is definitely feeling empty without family when everyone else has one.. Everyone I know has brothers and sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins that they actually keep in touch with constantly. Whatever. I can't even keep parents let alone be one myself. You'd think I'd be happy being a part of my husband's family, but I'm just his wife. I'm married into the family. I'm not anybody significant to them. Maybe to his parents I'm the daughter they never had, but I still feel like an outsider.. they're not MY family even though they are! I miss MY family.. I want MY family.. I guess only some people could understand that these feelings aren't entirely selfish - because they're NOT - I'm just upset that it's so easy for some people and here I am begging my husband for more intimacy. Yes, I know I'm stating 2 problems here but whatever. I just needed to vent to feel better...

Oh, wow. If the event that makes you happy like this only happens once a year, it's no wonder you would feel the way you do after it's over. Everyone else already posted great suggestions. I hope one of those can help. If anything, at least you have something great to look forward to, but hopefully more things like this are available to find or may be even organize yourself. Who knows ^_^ Good luck!

Wow, you guys. Thank you so much for all your feedback. I've also been speaking with the small family I have left since posting this. To answer some of the questions that @MarkintheDark had, I'm happy to say that I've dipped my hand back into online gaming and do find it relaxing. It's a good indoor activity and have been playing video/computer games since my childhood into my teens. I also love being outside, but the cold weather has made it difficult. That could be feeding into the depression a little bit, but I pushed through one day and went walking in 40 degree weather (approx 10 celcius or so). The ideas of voulenteer work has also come up amoung my family. My anxiety stops me from socializing with a lot of people, however, I wonder if I just somehow break through my own insecurities, could I be sucessful in making forward stride? I've even thought that if I could be more active in chatting online, I could make that step 1 since it's partially anonymous. I would like to take everything in consideration and try it all :) Thank you so much.

I still enjoy birthdays overall.. The only thing stressing me out is that my husband turns 40 this year and had requested I organize a birthday party. Not sure i have the capability to do that.

Hello. It's been a long while since my last post. 2018 was quite a traumatic year for me. 2 familial deaths and an experience where now I will never speak with my father again. My coping skills are shit. I have recently qualified for FMLA which means I can take an extended length of time away fro. work. Paid and/or unpaid. I see a therapist once a week every week. My question is, what more can i do to help myself during the days I chose to take off from my job? I don't want to just be sitting around not helping myself get better.

"I don't feel okay today"

I don't know your home life, but maybe there is a small appreciation in the change of environment when you're with friends vs. family. When I was younger, I stayed home a lot. So, of course I'd be happier hanging out with friends, but not because I hated my family. If this just so happens to be the case, a family outing could be suggested to lighten the mood. 🙂

"Uhhhargh."

Utterly exhausted. To keep it short, my grandma died and I have embarked on a journey with a new therapist. Ive discovered new things I never realized about myself, and I'm trying everyday to fix it. It will be a LONG up hill battle and sometimes I just want to give up or take a reeeeaallly long vacation.

The Family Medical Leave Act allows someone to take an extended period of time away from work unpaid. I hate the unpaid part of it since I have no PTO available, but I'm wondering if time away from work will help me figure out my issues with doctors. I don't know if it's really necessary though, and I don't know what to expect even though all the information is right in front of me. Has anyone here used the FMLA to take time away from work and how did you use that time? Was it a benefit for you?