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Everything posted by lonelyforeigner

  1. Yeah, it gets old. Can't even vent outside of DF... The two people I told were like "stop whining, eat healthy and start running" Like yeah, eating healthy is so easy when you don't have a kitchen but I've tried to add more salads and fruits to my diet since my ER trip and been cutting back on junk but it's not like it's gonna fix anything in the short term, I'd have to lose a lot of weight too which would take a lot of exercising that's just terribly hard to do when even one set of stairs leaves you breathless with palpitations and tachycardia for hours after. Nevermind that I had blood pressure issues and terrible snoring (pretty sure I had sleep apnea back then too) 10 years ago when I was skinny so it's not all about being fat either. Wish I at least had a partner at my side but alas... Dunno, sometimes I think I need some kind of rehab, like go somewhere for a few months where professionals help me try to solve all my physical and mental health issues and I don't have to worry about everyday shit to at least get to a point where I can reasonably function but for that to happen I'd first need to win the lottery. Sucks to be poor
  2. I just wanna cry... So at the beginning of the week my doctor put me on stronger blood pressure meds and while they took a few days to really help lower my blood pressure I am now starting to experience side effects. I'm even more exhausted than before, get bad palpitations as soon as I exert myself in any way (can be as little as walking a few hundred feet or sitting a few hours), my fitness watch has detected AFib numerous times which it's never done before even when I had palpitations, stomach is a bit queasy, and I get dizzy easily. It just never ends My mental health problems were already enough to deal with and now I get handed another plate of shit. I'm about ready to give up, like what's the point? My situation just keeps getting worse and I have nothing to look forward to anyway. It'll take years just to get out of debt and to get a place again but now that I keep having more health issues that seems increasingly unrealistic.
  3. Blood pressure is still out of control, woke up this morning with 171/107 despite the doctor putting me on stronger meds a few days ago, wtf? Nevermind that she wants me to check my blood pressure 3 times a day, like yeah, that's a great idea for someone with an anxiety disorder and a history of panic attacks. Chest pain, headaches, upset stomach and all kind of other anxiety symptoms are a daily thing again... I'm okay when I get up and then 3 - 4 hours later anxiety symptoms kick in and I feel like shit the rest of the day and by night my chest will hurt so much that I have trouble falling asleep. FML
  4. Doesn't sound like you're ugly tbh, I am objectively ugly and literally no one other than my grandmother ever called me handsome. I suspect that many of the people who picked on you noticed your insecurities around your looks and used that to bully you. People can be cruel and when they want to hurt you for whatever reason (usually to make themselves feel better) they'll just use whatever they feel will cause you the most anguish. Are you sure that was about your looks? Couldn't it be that the photos you selected just sent the wrong message? Like some guys will post dumb stuff like flexing their muscles in front of a car or something equally silly that probably isn't gonna impress any woman over 25. Just taking a wild guess, maybe you can elaborate on what kind of pics you posted? Dating sites are tough, there's just a TON of competition so unless you have great pictures and a winning personality it's gonna be hard to stand out. Women seem to be pretty good at picking up on negative vibes and an insecure man isn't exactly a turn-on to most. Have you considered trying another therapist? Sounds like the one you saw before was just an insensitive douche but there are some good ones.
  5. You sound like me My parents don't have the best genes to begin with but my brother seems to have gotten the few good ones whereas I inherited all the bad ones. Oh no! Have you checked with a ophthalmologist who specializes in diabetes? Nah, it would cause problems since not having a permanent address is a misdemeanor here. To use someone's address they'd have to put me on the lease and I'd have to go register with the government at which point my creditors would get an alert so I'd get sued immediately and then I'd no longer be in a position to negotiate my debt since it's so easy to get a judgment here.
  6. Type 1 or 2? Diabetes runs in my family, that and cancer, can't wait to get older... What's happening with your eye? That would scare the hell out of me, even if it's "just" one eye, can't imagine how much it would suck to lose my vision. Not if you're homeless, you need to have a permanent address.
  7. I am so dreading this... Takes so many appointments and it's gonna cost a lot of money I really don't wanna be spending... How am I even gonna sleep with this thing on my face? I'm a side-sleeper, won't I get tangled up? Nevermind that it's just terribly unattractive, not like I'll be sharing my bed with anyone but just one more thing to make me feel uglier. Then again, I can't afford surgery so it's not like I have a lot of options. Losing weight might help a bit but even when I was skinny I was a terrible snorer. Is it even worth trying to address my health issues? My life is still going to be crap, maybe a bit less uncomfortable but still not worth living. Ugh, just so tired of it all. Missed you too! How have you been? I had to take a DF break, I was getting tired of my own whining.
  8. Yeah, I hate making appointments. I have terrible phone anxiety and when I do force myself to call and don't get an appointment right away I get discouraged and stop trying. There needs to be a way to outsource this, like an Uber app where you just say what kind of appointment you need and someone else does all the calling, lol. You're right about the baby steps. The challenge for me is how to get started, like losing weight would certainly improve my sleep apnea a bit which in turn would lower my blood pressure and probably even improve my tachycardia issues. It's a bit of a catch-22 though, I have so little energy that even doing laundry or going to the grocery store are terribly exhausting, like how do I find the energy to go for walks? A healthier diet would probably also help but there too, I don't even have access to a kitchen since I can't afford to live in an apartment so I just eat whatever doesn't require much preparation which tends to be mostly junk like sandwiches. Well, actually I could probably get an apartment if I applied for benefits but that's an absolute no-go for me. I do not need someone all up in my finances and I hate the idea of being a burden on society. True, a lot of it is just about attitude. I'm objectively unattractive, like a 2 or 3 out of 10, which is why I have given up on finding love long ago. But I do realize that people who are uglier than me manage to get married and have a family so I'm not denying that other qualities can make up for looks. Qualities I obviously don't have though, my personality is no better than my looks unless someone is into boring guys with no hope, no real interests, who love to wallow in self-pity, is super critical and sees everything negatively.
  9. I hate my body... Around 10 years ago I developed a panic disorder and it took me years to learn to live with it and I mostly managed that by simply ignoring any and all weird sensations and symptoms my body throws at me. Until last week anyway, I've been feeling worse every day for about a month but shook it off thinking it was just anxiety rearing it's ugly head but a week ago I felt so bad that I gave in and checked my blood pressure and it was 205/120, yikes. Haven't taken any meds in years so I tried calling an emergency physician but they told me they would not do a house call for this and wanted to call an ambulance which I luckily was able to talk them out of by agreeing to have someone drive me to the ER. Yay, $1000 or so wasted when I should really be working on getting out of debt so that maybe someday I can have a place to live again. Well, at least I got medication for my blood pressure though it's still around 160/100 whenever I check. Guess I'll need a few follow-up appointments to get this under control, great, more money... My sleep apnea keeps getting worse too, got a fitness tracker last year and it looks like I wake up about 20 times a night and when I recorded my snoring it looked even worse, I take two or three breaths and then will stop breathing for 10 - 20 seconds. No wonder I am always exhausted. Stupid heart seems to have issues too, it's fine when I'm in bed but as soon as I sit I get tachycardia and just walking to the store will drastically increase my heart rate as if I'm doing a hard workout and it'll stay up there for a couple of hours after. Guess that could be a result of my sleep apnea... I don't even know how to fix this all, it would take a lot of money to fully address all these issues and even if I manage to somehow, it's not like my mental health is any better than my physical health. What's the point of it all? I'm 40, homeless, in debt, have never been and never will be in relationship... How much longer should I hang in there and for what? Even if my health gets better all I have to look forward to is more loneliness and spending old age in poverty.
  10. I hear you. Luckily I don't really have to worry about anyone outside of immediate family taking pictures, about the only times people took pictures of me was out of courtesy because they assumed I'd want to be in them but somehow I always seemed to be missing from their social media posts, coincidence? I think not... At the end of the day I am glad though, I don't need to remember my past and what a failure I am. The present is painful enough as it is.
  11. Can't say that my parents kept anything but I know where you're coming from, my worldly possessions fit into 2 suitcases. Every time I moved I threw everything away or destroyed my things in a fit of rage, even things that meant something to me. An act that would hurt a normal person, it was almost pleasurable to me, as if i was erasing part of my miserable existence. Now I'm down to the bare minimum, de-facto homeless with few possessions... To think that 10 years ago I had an apartment stuffed with expensive things I too hope that this is my last year in this world, there is absolutely no point in me sticking around other than the fact that I'm a coward.
  12. So relatable! While "normal" people go crazy hanging pictures in their apartments and posting selfies and pictures with friends/family online I have long ago deleted all pictures that I appear in. Online I'm like a ghost, only my LinkedIn pic is out there and that's set to private. My existence is bad enough, best to leave no traces and not to remind myself of how ugly I am. I hate my face and so does everybody else.
  13. Yeah... I see the same thing here since we get a lot of refugees... You don't see a lot of women and children or old men, it's all young and strong guys. People don't wait in a line when it comes to survival, the strong will get out first.
  14. Indeed! Doesn't matter how much progress I make life always seems to turn against me and I lose it all again. I know it's bad to prophecize and the future isn't written but at our age drastic change is unlikely and we just keep repeating the same patterns of misfortune over and over again. Sure, theoretically it's possible that we find love or win the lottery tomorrow but it's just as likely to get struck by lightning and no sane person would count on the later...
  15. Yeah, sure seems that way. Humans are predatory animals, either you are the hunter or you're the pray. Neither kindness nor honesty have ever gotten me anywhere whereas I see people who take advantage of others leading happy lives. We like to tell ourselves that Karma will get them or that they must be miserable on the inside but the sad truth is that there isn't some universal governing force that makes this happen. Some bad people may indeed have bad luck at some point or are miserable on the inside but more likely than not they will get away with it and not think twice about those they hurt.
  16. Yeah well... My plan of moving to another country isn't gonna work out, I haven't been able to raise enough money and I just learned that in Germany it can take 3 - 6 months to get your apartment's security deposit back (about $2K) which I was counting on to make it happen. Sitting in an almost empty apartment now just counting the days and being greeted by angry collection notices every day. Just had a huge argument with my "friend" who got me into this mess too because she's pissed off that I can't give her more money **** IT ALL, I am tired of trying to make things work, I am tired of trying to help others just to get taken advantage of and disrespected at every turn, I am tired of living. There is absolutely no point in even trying, I'm almost 40 years old and have NOTHING to show for it other than a damn laptop and a mountain of debt. No real friends, no relationship, no career, nothing. Unless a miracle happens I only have one option left, begging one of my parents to let me stay but what for? I won't be able to get an apartment anyway because security deposits are ridiculously high where they live and the banks will garnish everything anyway if I do find a job there and I sure as hell don't wanna stay with them for years. I'm just a burden on society and it's time I finally grow some balls and call it quits.
  17. Not really... I am just so ****ing tired of existing.
  18. Klonopin is a benzodiazepine like Xanax and Ativan so I guess that's out if they won't prescribe it. Not sure what the max dose for Vistaril is but given that it's an antihistamine it's probably very high but will cause severe drowsiness if you take a lot. Another good non-benzo anxiolytic is BuSpar, it takes a few weeks to kick in though but definitely worth a shot if Vistaril doesn't help you enough. Are you getting heart attack symptoms during an attack? If so you could also try metoprolol, it's a beta-blocker that is sometimes used as an off-label anxiolytic and will help reduce your heart rate and palpitations which tend to be the most worrisome symptoms during an attack. I know what you mean about the fear that comes with panic attacks. I literally turned into a hypochondriac thinking it was something dangerous and then my panic would even mimic the symptoms of whatever I convinced myself I was suffering from. It really is debilitating, it actually caused me to lose my job and to get evicted from my apartment. I lost everything because I simply couldn't function anymore and I felt so alone and misunderstood. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!
  19. Vistaril is great to keep overall anxiety down but when you're suffering from severe panic attacks it's not enough... I used to have bad ones too and it took massive doses of Klonopin to keep my anxiety at bay and even then I'd still get attacks and would have to take some Xanax or Ativan on top of it. Don't be afraid to ask for something stronger but do be cautious not to become dependent, it's a temporary crutch and withdrawals SUCK. What helped me get a handle of things was accepting my panic attacks and to stop fearing them. It took several years to get to that point though so if you have the option make sure to get some therapy to help you through it.
  20. Kudos for putting yourself out there! Living with your parents, not having any real relationship experience and being shy are going to make this an uphill battle at your age for sure since those are major red flags to most women. Still, the fact that the first date went well shows that you have something to offer as a partner so don't give up hope just yet. You just need to find someone understanding who is willing to give you a chance regardless, not an impossible feat. Being lonely sucks big time, I'm turning 38 in a few months and have been alone all my life, I wouldn't be able to get a date if my life depended on it so I've just given up on that aspect of my life but it seems like there's still hope for you so don't go down that path. Make changes such as getting your own place and I am confident you will find someone. Good luck!
  21. Yeah, being nice definitely doesn't work... Sometimes I wish I could've been born a sociopath or narcissist, their traits help them get ahead and they don't even feel bad about it, must be nice...
  22. We seem to be in the same boat, just delaying the inevitable
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