lonelyforeigner

I hear you. Luckily I don't really have to worry about anyone outside of immediate family taking pictures, about the only times people took pictures of me was out of courtesy because they assumed I'd want to be in them but somehow I always seemed to be missing from their social media posts, coincidence? I think not... At the end of the day I am glad though, I don't need to remember my past and what a failure I am. The present is painful enough as it is.

Can't say that my parents kept anything but I know where you're coming from, my worldly possessions fit into 2 suitcases. Every time I moved I threw everything away or destroyed my things in a fit of rage, even things that meant something to me. An act that would hurt a normal person, it was almost pleasurable to me, as if i was erasing part of my miserable existence. Now I'm down to the bare minimum, de-facto homeless with few possessions... To think that 10 years ago I had an apartment stuffed with expensive things 🙈 I too hope that this is my last year in this world, there is absolutely no point in me sticking around other than the fact that I'm a coward.

So relatable! While "normal" people go crazy hanging pictures in their apartments and posting selfies and pictures with friends/family online I have long ago deleted all pictures that I appear in. Online I'm like a ghost, only my LinkedIn pic is out there and that's set to private. My existence is bad enough, best to leave no traces and not to remind myself of how ugly I am. I hate my face and so does everybody else.

FML

Yeah... I see the same thing here since we get a lot of refugees... You don't see a lot of women and children or old men, it's all young and strong guys. People don't wait in a line when it comes to survival, the strong will get out first.

Indeed! Doesn't matter how much progress I make life always seems to turn against me and I lose it all again. I know it's bad to prophecize and the future isn't written but at our age drastic change is unlikely and we just keep repeating the same patterns of misfortune over and over again. Sure, theoretically it's possible that we find love or win the lottery tomorrow but it's just as likely to get struck by lightning and no sane person would count on the later...

Yeah, sure seems that way. Humans are predatory animals, either you are the hunter or you're the pray. Neither kindness nor honesty have ever gotten me anywhere whereas I see people who take advantage of others leading happy lives. We like to tell ourselves that Karma will get them or that they must be miserable on the inside but the sad truth is that there isn't some universal governing force that makes this happen. Some bad people may indeed have bad luck at some point or are miserable on the inside but more likely than not they will get away with it and not think twice about those they hurt.

Yeah well... My plan of moving to another country isn't gonna work out, I haven't been able to raise enough money and I just learned that in Germany it can take 3 - 6 months to get your apartment's security deposit back (about $2K) which I was counting on to make it happen. Sitting in an almost empty apartment now just counting the days and being greeted by angry collection notices every day. Just had a huge argument with my "friend" who got me into this mess too because she's pissed off that I can't give her more money 😂 **** IT ALL, I am tired of trying to make things work, I am tired of trying to help others just to get taken advantage of and disrespected at every turn, I am tired of living. There is absolutely no point in even trying, I'm almost 40 years old and have NOTHING to show for it other than a damn laptop and a mountain of debt. No real friends, no relationship, no career, nothing. Unless a miracle happens I only have one option left, begging one of my parents to let me stay but what for? I won't be able to get an apartment anyway because security deposits are ridiculously high where they live and the banks will garnish everything anyway if I do find a job there and I sure as hell don't wanna stay with them for years. I'm just a burden on society and it's time I finally grow some balls and call it quits.

Not really... I am just so ****ing tired of existing.

Cut again for the first time in 6 years...

Klonopin is a benzodiazepine like Xanax and Ativan so I guess that's out if they won't prescribe it. Not sure what the max dose for Vistaril is but given that it's an antihistamine it's probably very high but will cause severe drowsiness if you take a lot. Another good non-benzo anxiolytic is BuSpar, it takes a few weeks to kick in though but definitely worth a shot if Vistaril doesn't help you enough. Are you getting heart attack symptoms during an attack? If so you could also try metoprolol, it's a beta-blocker that is sometimes used as an off-label anxiolytic and will help reduce your heart rate and palpitations which tend to be the most worrisome symptoms during an attack. I know what you mean about the fear that comes with panic attacks. I literally turned into a hypochondriac thinking it was something dangerous and then my panic would even mimic the symptoms of whatever I convinced myself I was suffering from. It really is debilitating, it actually caused me to lose my job and to get evicted from my apartment. I lost everything because I simply couldn't function anymore and I felt so alone and misunderstood. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!

Vistaril is great to keep overall anxiety down but when you're suffering from severe panic attacks it's not enough... I used to have bad ones too and it took massive doses of Klonopin to keep my anxiety at bay and even then I'd still get attacks and would have to take some Xanax or Ativan on top of it. Don't be afraid to ask for something stronger but do be cautious not to become dependent, it's a temporary crutch and withdrawals SUCK. What helped me get a handle of things was accepting my panic attacks and to stop fearing them. It took several years to get to that point though so if you have the option make sure to get some therapy to help you through it.

Kudos for putting yourself out there! Living with your parents, not having any real relationship experience and being shy are going to make this an uphill battle at your age for sure since those are major red flags to most women. Still, the fact that the first date went well shows that you have something to offer as a partner so don't give up hope just yet. You just need to find someone understanding who is willing to give you a chance regardless, not an impossible feat. Being lonely sucks big time, I'm turning 38 in a few months and have been alone all my life, I wouldn't be able to get a date if my life depended on it so I've just given up on that aspect of my life but it seems like there's still hope for you so don't go down that path. Make changes such as getting your own place and I am confident you will find someone. Good luck!

Yeah, being nice definitely doesn't work... Sometimes I wish I could've been born a sociopath or narcissist, their traits help them get ahead and they don't even feel bad about it, must be nice...

We seem to be in the same boat, just delaying the inevitable 😖