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lonelyforeigner

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About lonelyforeigner

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  1. I fully 100% believe im cursed and cant wait to get cancer

    You're 20, you still have plenty of time to turn your life around. Sounds like half of your problems are related to your family, now that you're an adult you have the ability to distance yourself make positive changes to your environment. You can't influence whether or not you get cancer but what your unhealthy lifestyle will result in are associated health issues that will further deteriorate your quality of life so I'd urge you to reconsider. No one is cursed, luck and bad luck are completely arbitrary, it's just our human nature trying to find patterns where there are none. Some people have perfect life and then everything goes to sh1t, others are homeless and end up winning the lottery, there's no telling what the future will hold. Let's say you roll the dice 3 times, your mind would tell you that it's much more likely to get a 6, 3 and 1 than it is to get 3 6s in a row but math tells us otherwise. There are things that we have some control over such as friendships though, a negative attitude will create a self-fulfilling prophecy which is why many people end up running into the same problems time and time again.
  2. Anyone know what's going on?

    Stress, fatigue, anxiety can all result in visual hallucinations. If it's only a few times a year and they're easy to identify I wouldn't worry about it.
  3. Can Memory Problems Caused By Mental Illness Be Fixed?

    Since you mention that you easily get distracted and have difficulty focusing you may want to get checked for ADD/ADHD. I have ADD and my memory tends to be very selective, if something interests me then I'll remember but it takes a big effort to memorize things that don't hold my interest. It never occurred to me that I might have an attention deficit since back in the days only the hyperactive impulsive type was well known, I just thought of myself as lazy and unmotivated until my psychiatrist suspected I may have it and then I ended up testing positive. A lot of things started making sense when I looked into the symptoms...
  4. No, they're not allowed to do that. By the way, placebos (sugar pills) actually do work for a lot of people with all kinds of conditions, that doesn't mean that they weren't sick so I doubt any doctor would go that route to convince someone they're not sick ;-)
  5. Life Long Severe Depression and no treatment works

    Just out of curiosity, why don't you want to try ECT? I went through a few sessions and it's nothing like what you see in the movies, you're under general anesthesia so there's no memory or pain. The only thing that bugged me about it was the short-term confusion and memory loss but that only lasts a few days. May be worth a try if nothing else has worked for you.
  6. Those Climbing Steps

    Congratulations on taking that first step toward recovery! Sometimes it'd ridiculous how our mind can trick us into finding a million reasons why something isn't worth trying when reality often isn't as bad as our fears made it out to be. We shouldn't be scared of professionals, they deal with that kind of stuff on a daily basis, even general practitioners will have seen it all before and yet our depression tells us that our situation is different, they won't take us seriously or downright ridicule us. Then we go online to read horror stories from people who've had bad experiences and further convince ourselves that it's all bad despite knowing that those with bad experiences are a million times more likely to report them than those who have OK or good experiences. I'm proud of you for overcoming that fear and taking action. Never took Citalopram so not sure if it's better to take in the AM or PM. I usually started meds in the morning so they wouldn't affect my sleep as much but if you tend to be someone who is very sensitive and gets side effects you may want to start in the evening just to make sure you'll be OK before going to work in the morning.
  7. Depressed - Need help!

    I would also suspect other reasons that they may not have expressed. Breast size is kinda like chicken size, people obsess over it but their partners usually don't care all that much and if they do they will break it off right away. Sure, a breast augmentation would get you some additional attention but is purely sexual attention what you're looking for? I wouldn't rule out trying additional treatments for your depression, odds are that even if you had larger breasts your self-esteem would still be bad and you'd end up finding another flaw because you haven't fixed the underlying issue.
  8. Plans

    Self-harming doesn't mean much in that context, plenty of people whose arms are completely cut up and aren't suicidal and vice versa, doctors and nurses know that too. Try to keep in mind that people with bad experiences are much more likely to talk about it online than people with good experiences so always take things you hear with a grain of salt. Sure it's possible that occasionally there aren't any beds available or the psychiatrist on call is dismissive of anyone who isn't half-dead but in those cases you can always demand to talk to someone else or try another hospital, don't let them blow you off. I understand what you mean about it feeling pointless to get help, felt that way plenty of times. My question to you is, if everything is pointless and you're going to die anyway then why not at least try going to the hospital? What do you have to lose other than time? You've been suffering for years so what are a few more weeks?
  9. Has anyone lost their job, house, car, etc....

    I hear you, that's the thing I always wanted most too but have yet to experience. Somehow I always knew I'd end up alone, even as a child I was never the popular social type, I was the short dorky guy who always got picked last for everything, figured it wouldn't be any different with women. Not that I blame them, I wouldn't want to date the female version of me either, I'm honest enough to admit that... Still, while it's possible to accept being alone it's still painful to watch everybody around you holding hands... Much worse during the holiday season when it's really in your face, ugh! Same here. With normal people I know they'll be OK. I used to have a very attractive friend who'd completely lose it whenever she broke up with a boyfriend, I listened to her but at times it was hard to feel sympathy because I knew she'd find someone new shortly and she always did. For those with chronic mental illness or the homeless things rarely change and both conditions are isolating making external help less likely too.
  10. Has anyone lost their job, house, car, etc....

    Looks like an old topic but I'm sure there are quite a few of us... I lost everything due to depression and anxiety. I've been depressed since my teens and in my early 30s my depression got much worse after my employer withdrew their greencard sponsorship at which point my future was completely uncertain, everything I worked for for the past decade was in jeopardy. I took a lower paying job (didn't have too many choices due to being in the US on a work visa) that didn't provide health insurance while simultaneously trying to start a company with a friend. At the same time all my friends moved away so I had no real support network left. I guess it was just too much stress... Started having SEVERE panic attacks despite never having any anxiety issues and before I knew it I accumulated a small fortune in medical bills and my condition deteriorated until I couldn't work at all. That led to getting evicted and losing all my possessions except for what I could fit in the car, an old coworker let me stay with him for a while and I while I recovered enough to work again my work visa was about to expire so I ended up losing my car (on which I still owed like 10K) and my remaining possessions since I had no money left for the move back to Europe. Had to start all over, spent 2 years at my moms sleeping on an air mattress. My work experience proved completely worthless abroad so basically I was no better off than a 20 year old and it took a while to save up enough money to start over. Feels like a lost well over a decade of my life because of this. It's hard to look at my old friends who have stable careers, many are married, have children and a home. I'm still paying off debt with no improvement in sight, I make way less money than I used to, have no friends where I live and have nothing in common with others my age so I don't even bother trying to date anymore. I feel like a complete loser.
  11. Obsession and fear of abandonment

    From one borderline person to another, don't play games. If you take a break you need to be able to live with the consequences even if you don't like them, stay with him or end the relationship. Sometimes we push people away with the hope that they'll come back to us realizing how much they miss us and then when they don't we're crushed. The break isn't going to make a difference either way, it's your obsessive behavior that you need to get under control. I would suggest therapy (if you're not seeing someone already) or reading books about BPD so you can identify your behaviors/thoughts and actively try counteract them. The sad truth is that with BPD it's impossible to have your emotional needs met, even if you lived together you'd still get obsessive thoughts and worry about abandonment the second he comes home from work a few minutes late or doesn't respond to your text right away while he's at work. The paranoid thoughts can be hard to deal with and your subconscious is so hard at work looking for signs of impeding doom it'll always find something even if your conscious mind tells you things are OK.
  12. Slightly contemplating suicide, please help

    I also think you should talk to your school counselor. Getting yelled at when doing something wrong is something most of us go though but it sounds like your parents are downright abusive. It's one thing to yell at someone to get a point across but calling people names (even when angry) and smashing things is NOT OK. Ideally you should go to family therapy, it would provide a safe space for everybody to discuss what's going on. Your parents will most likely try to view themselves as victims, they're stressed, overburdened, whatever... Sorry, not an excuse, when you choose to have children you need to be a responsible adult --> no more "free spirit" bulls*** and controlling your anger are very important to a child's development. Few dysfunctional parents are able to admit to themselves that they're doing things wrong so I wouldn't count on them being cooperative but at least you'll have someone to confide in and who can help you get out if things get any worse.
  13. Mental Ward

    If they have free beds they should help him even if he's not acutely suicidal, he should just tell them he's so depressed that he's completely nonfunctional and can't take care of himself anymore. I think It's understandable that he's worried about his medical records, they could bite him in the rear some time down the road though voluntary admission is nowhere near as bad as involuntary admission. Biggest risk is being denied insurance in the future but other things it could potentially affect are employment, gun ownership, custody... Just because HIPAA rules prevent certain information from being revealed today doesn't mean it can't change tomorrow, the mentally ill are an easy target for discrimination. In some countries they'll even revoke your driver's license (happened to me!) if you're taking drugs for depression/anxiety or have been hospitalized. Never underestimate how many people view us as a threat to public safety.
  14. No energy to do anything

    Pretty much, I'm tired from the time I get up. When I had an office job I would crash and fall asleep whenever I came home, now that I work from home it's a bit easier but still don't have energy to do anything else.
  15. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    What's going on today?