lonelyforeigner

Blood pressure is still out of control, woke up this morning with 171/107 despite the doctor putting me on stronger meds a few days ago, wtf? Nevermind that she wants me to check my blood pressure 3 times a day, like yeah, that's a great idea for someone with an anxiety disorder and a history of panic attacks. Chest pain, headaches, upset stomach and all kind of other anxiety symptoms are a daily thing again... I'm okay when I get up and then 3 - 4 hours later anxiety symptoms kick in and I feel like shit the rest of the day and by night my chest will hurt so much that I have trouble falling asleep. FML

Doesn't sound like you're ugly tbh, I am objectively ugly and literally no one other than my grandmother ever called me handsome. I suspect that many of the people who picked on you noticed your insecurities around your looks and used that to bully you. People can be cruel and when they want to hurt you for whatever reason (usually to make themselves feel better) they'll just use whatever they feel will cause you the most anguish. Are you sure that was about your looks? Couldn't it be that the photos you selected just sent the wrong message? Like some guys will post dumb stuff like flexing their muscles in front of a car or something equally silly that probably isn't gonna impress any woman over 25. Just taking a wild guess, maybe you can elaborate on what kind of pics you posted? Dating sites are tough, there's just a TON of competition so unless you have great pictures and a winning personality it's gonna be hard to stand out. Women seem to be pretty good at picking up on negative vibes and an insecure man isn't exactly a turn-on to most. Have you considered trying another therapist? Sounds like the one you saw before was just an insensitive douche but there are some good ones.

You sound like me My parents don't have the best genes to begin with but my brother seems to have gotten the few good ones whereas I inherited all the bad ones. Oh no! Have you checked with a ophthalmologist who specializes in diabetes? Nah, it would cause problems since not having a permanent address is a misdemeanor here. To use someone's address they'd have to put me on the lease and I'd have to go register with the government at which point my creditors would get an alert so I'd get sued immediately and then I'd no longer be in a position to negotiate my debt since it's so easy to get a judgment here.

Type 1 or 2? Diabetes runs in my family, that and cancer, can't wait to get older... What's happening with your eye? That would scare the hell out of me, even if it's "just" one eye, can't imagine how much it would suck to lose my vision. Not if you're homeless, you need to have a permanent address.

I am so dreading this... Takes so many appointments and it's gonna cost a lot of money I really don't wanna be spending... How am I even gonna sleep with this thing on my face? I'm a side-sleeper, won't I get tangled up? Nevermind that it's just terribly unattractive, not like I'll be sharing my bed with anyone but just one more thing to make me feel uglier. Then again, I can't afford surgery so it's not like I have a lot of options. Losing weight might help a bit but even when I was skinny I was a terrible snorer. Is it even worth trying to address my health issues? My life is still going to be crap, maybe a bit less uncomfortable but still not worth living. Ugh, just so tired of it all. Missed you too! How have you been? I had to take a DF break, I was getting tired of my own whining.

Yeah, I hate making appointments. I have terrible phone anxiety and when I do force myself to call and don't get an appointment right away I get discouraged and stop trying. There needs to be a way to outsource this, like an Uber app where you just say what kind of appointment you need and someone else does all the calling, lol. You're right about the baby steps. The challenge for me is how to get started, like losing weight would certainly improve my sleep apnea a bit which in turn would lower my blood pressure and probably even improve my tachycardia issues. It's a bit of a catch-22 though, I have so little energy that even doing laundry or going to the grocery store are terribly exhausting, like how do I find the energy to go for walks? A healthier diet would probably also help but there too, I don't even have access to a kitchen since I can't afford to live in an apartment so I just eat whatever doesn't require much preparation which tends to be mostly junk like sandwiches. Well, actually I could probably get an apartment if I applied for benefits but that's an absolute no-go for me. I do not need someone all up in my finances and I hate the idea of being a burden on society. True, a lot of it is just about attitude. I'm objectively unattractive, like a 2 or 3 out of 10, which is why I have given up on finding love long ago. But I do realize that people who are uglier than me manage to get married and have a family so I'm not denying that other qualities can make up for looks. Qualities I obviously don't have though, my personality is no better than my looks unless someone is into boring guys with no hope, no real interests, who love to wallow in self-pity, is super critical and sees everything negatively.

I hate my body... Around 10 years ago I developed a panic disorder and it took me years to learn to live with it and I mostly managed that by simply ignoring any and all weird sensations and symptoms my body throws at me. Until last week anyway, I've been feeling worse every day for about a month but shook it off thinking it was just anxiety rearing it's ugly head but a week ago I felt so bad that I gave in and checked my blood pressure and it was 205/120, yikes. Haven't taken any meds in years so I tried calling an emergency physician but they told me they would not do a house call for this and wanted to call an ambulance which I luckily was able to talk them out of by agreeing to have someone drive me to the ER. Yay, $1000 or so wasted when I should really be working on getting out of debt so that maybe someday I can have a place to live again. Well, at least I got medication for my blood pressure though it's still around 160/100 whenever I check. Guess I'll need a few follow-up appointments to get this under control, great, more money... My sleep apnea keeps getting worse too, got a fitness tracker last year and it looks like I wake up about 20 times a night and when I recorded my snoring it looked even worse, I take two or three breaths and then will stop breathing for 10 - 20 seconds. No wonder I am always exhausted. Stupid heart seems to have issues too, it's fine when I'm in bed but as soon as I sit I get tachycardia and just walking to the store will drastically increase my heart rate as if I'm doing a hard workout and it'll stay up there for a couple of hours after. Guess that could be a result of my sleep apnea... I don't even know how to fix this all, it would take a lot of money to fully address all these issues and even if I manage to somehow, it's not like my mental health is any better than my physical health. What's the point of it all? I'm 40, homeless, in debt, have never been and never will be in relationship... How much longer should I hang in there and for what? Even if my health gets better all I have to look forward to is more loneliness and spending old age in poverty.

Amen! So tired of it all.

I hear you. Luckily I don't really have to worry about anyone outside of immediate family taking pictures, about the only times people took pictures of me was out of courtesy because they assumed I'd want to be in them but somehow I always seemed to be missing from their social media posts, coincidence? I think not... At the end of the day I am glad though, I don't need to remember my past and what a failure I am. The present is painful enough as it is.

Can't say that my parents kept anything but I know where you're coming from, my worldly possessions fit into 2 suitcases. Every time I moved I threw everything away or destroyed my things in a fit of rage, even things that meant something to me. An act that would hurt a normal person, it was almost pleasurable to me, as if i was erasing part of my miserable existence. Now I'm down to the bare minimum, de-facto homeless with few possessions... To think that 10 years ago I had an apartment stuffed with expensive things I too hope that this is my last year in this world, there is absolutely no point in me sticking around other than the fact that I'm a coward.

So relatable! While "normal" people go crazy hanging pictures in their apartments and posting selfies and pictures with friends/family online I have long ago deleted all pictures that I appear in. Online I'm like a ghost, only my LinkedIn pic is out there and that's set to private. My existence is bad enough, best to leave no traces and not to remind myself of how ugly I am. I hate my face and so does everybody else.

FML

Yeah... I see the same thing here since we get a lot of refugees... You don't see a lot of women and children or old men, it's all young and strong guys. People don't wait in a line when it comes to survival, the strong will get out first.

Indeed! Doesn't matter how much progress I make life always seems to turn against me and I lose it all again. I know it's bad to prophecize and the future isn't written but at our age drastic change is unlikely and we just keep repeating the same patterns of misfortune over and over again. Sure, theoretically it's possible that we find love or win the lottery tomorrow but it's just as likely to get struck by lightning and no sane person would count on the later...

Yeah, sure seems that way. Humans are predatory animals, either you are the hunter or you're the pray. Neither kindness nor honesty have ever gotten me anywhere whereas I see people who take advantage of others leading happy lives. We like to tell ourselves that Karma will get them or that they must be miserable on the inside but the sad truth is that there isn't some universal governing force that makes this happen. Some bad people may indeed have bad luck at some point or are miserable on the inside but more likely than not they will get away with it and not think twice about those they hurt.