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About majorh

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  • Birthday December 10

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Minneapolis, MN
  • Interests
    reading, computer games, dogs, history, travel, religions
  1. My depression and anxiety have definitely impacted my work. Especially in that missing work for mental health issues (as well as other health issues) enough that my supervisor has me on report and that I need a doctor's note saying that I am "unable to work" -- specific wording required, if I miss a day in order not to get into further trouble. This triggers my anxiety and depression, because for me, a big part of that is feeling like people don't think I am really ill, and having to prove that I'm not faking it is really stressful, and sometimes triggers suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm. But, since I make more money than my husband, I feel like I don't have a choice and have to stay working, and ideally full time. But I would love to not work, or only work part time. My mental health also has effected my ability to concentrate and learn, and focus. I definitely don't feel like I can learn new things as well, or concentrate and I have been making more mistakes lately.
  2. I don't know if your employer is large enough to have to follow FMLA and/or ADA requirements, but you may want to look into them. For FMLA, it can protect you if you need to take intermittent time off for appointments or just because you are having a bad day and have to leave or not come in. ADA, you may be able to request accommodations like a flexible work schedule or something like that. Both offer you some protection. Just something to think about.
  3. I have made myself go to work. Mainly because if I didn't I would get written up and likely let go. But each day is such a trial. I am seriously looking into starting an intensive out patient program, and taking a leave from work, because while I am not suicidal, I am so stressed, anxious, and depressed that I think about hurting myself or find myself wishing I would have an accident or something that would give me a "legitimate" excuse to take a medical leave (I know mental health is legitimate, but knowing and =feeling= are different things).
  4. This also just happened to me. It was a promotion where I currently work, in the same department, but doing different work. It would have only been a slight increase in pay, but I mostly wanted the challenge of learning new things. They were hiring for 2 positions, and one went to another internal candidate, but then they passed me over for an external candidate. This is the 2nd time within a little over a year that this has happened. It is causing a lot of anxiety for me because this past summer, they were going to cut my position to 50% time, and the only reason they didn't was someone else left. With them hiring 2 people for my dept (one is a replacement, but one is a new position), I am afraid that come the end of the fiscal year, I will be on the chopping block again, since I know we are still having budget issues. I just feel really undervalued and it is hard to stay motivated at my job, when I feel that way. So I feel for you.
  5. I made it to work. I am actually doing work, but everything takes so much effort and I get so easily derailed and distracted. I keep thinking about the possibility of taking a leave or reducing my hours, but we are short-staffed, losing our supervisor, and going into our busiest time of year. So even if I were to request leave, and even if I had medical documentation for it (which I think I could get), the time I was working, I wold still probably have to get all of the same stuff done, so it wouldn't really help with the anxiety and stress. Plus, I would then feel really guilty for leaving the other 2 people in my department with all the work that 5 people used to do. So I just feel really stuck, and like I am going to implode.
  6. (((((((((hugs)))))))))) to everyone I should probably not be at work, but I have used so many sick and vacation days that, since I don't have FMLA in place (yet), if I call in sick, I have to have a dr note saying I am "unable to work" -- which contributes to feeling trapped and ramps up the anxiety. If I could, I would have called in today -- crying before work, during your drive to work, and then at work, not terribly productive. Oh well, I am a warm body, and I will do what I can. I want to thank everyone for being here, and giving me someplace I can express myself. I worry about talking to my SO about things, because I hate that I worry him so much. Sending warm thoughts to everyone. Havehope -- I have started to read a book, The Mindful Way Through Depression, and its workbook. So far, I think it will be helpful. I just have to keep with it. There is a CD with the workbook of guided meditations, but I haven't listened to it yet.
  7. Right now? Feeling about ready to lose it. I'm not seeing a p-doc til next week, and even then, any changes will take several weeks to show. Coming up on our really busy time here at work, (Open enrollment for benefits), doesn't officially start until Friday, but things are already a bit wild. I don't know, seriously, how I am going to get through it. I spent about the first hour at work crying (and answering emails/listening to voicemails). And I still feel so....stretched. Like Bilbo says in Lord of the Rings: Like butter stretched over too much bread. Anyone have any good coping ideas? I am seriously thinking, once Open Enrollment is over, if I am still feeling like this, of temporarily reducing my work schedule or something. Because I can't take this. I've only ever taken intermittent leave for my depression (day here or there) but this time, I admit, that I feel like I might need more than that. But then that starts freaking me out, because I am the primary earner for me & my SO. (((((hugs))))) to everyone that needs them (which is probably all of us).
  8. =hugs= to everyone I am not doing so well today. Had an anxiety attack at work -- these are new. Didn't have them during my other major depressive episodes. Was messaging with my SO to check on if that was what was going on (they've had them a few times). Wishing I could go home, but I work in benefits for a school district, and we are in the midst of getting ready for the annual open enrollment. So of course, the next about month is going to be crazy, and I already feel like I am going crazy. I admit, I am not sure how I am going to get through it. I've taken advantage of a few free counseling sessions through our employee assistance program, but the person's not in-network for my medical plan, so I can't keep seeing her. I have an appt next week with an in-network counselor, and an appt in 2 weeks with an in-network p-doc. I haven't seen either before, so it's a crap shoot. Currently, my ADs are prescribed by my GP, but I think they need to be reviewed, since, you know, I am losing it lately. I really really hope the new counselor works, and the p-doc has some ideas. I know that if they do change or adjust the meds, it will be a while before anything works, but I hold on to the hope that it will get better. Just have to find a way to get through this. Have to say, got a bit peeved at my boss. She comes into my office towards the end of my anxiety attack, and notices something is wrong, and suggests that I go for a walk. I realize she is trying to be nice and supportive, but going for a walk in public when you are barely keeping it together (or not, and start crying and hyperventilating) is not really going to make things better. Sorry for the long post. Just had to get it out. Freckledface -- love that you are happy about the art supplies & painting. I am happy about the prospect of playing with my dog when I get home from work. I hope everyone has at least something small to make them smile, or at least feel a little better today.
  9. Empty. Anxious. Feeling worse as the day goes on, but have to work, and work late. Wishing that I could be in an accident or something, that would mandate being out of work for a while. But even if a dr wanted me to be out for a while due to my mental illness, I work in HR, and it is Open Enrollment, so can't really do that. Maybe after the new year starts....Something to hang on to
  10. Have been crying, off and on, for about 4 hours today. At work. I had asked for Friday off, as my husband took the day off, and we have plans Thursday night, and my car needs to have work done on it. And of course, because I seem to be experiencing a lapse into deeper depression. However, my boss isn't letting me take the day off because one other person in our group already has the day off, and another person is "too new." Nevermind that I had initially had last Friday scheduled as a day off, and gave it up because I had people who needed to meet with me for work, and that I can't take another day off later this month because of work, when it would have been my last chance to see one of my uncles while he's still alive (he's 91 and lives across the country from me). I feel like she's not giving me the day off because I have been out sick a lot -- last week she had an "investigative meeting" about my absences. In the meeting, it was brought up that I had been directed to have a doctor's note for an absence that stated I was unable to work, and they indicated that I had not done so. I had brought in a note for each absence, and I believe the notes stated that I was released to return to work as of x date (the day after the absence). I sincerely thought that those noted fulfilled the requirement -- my understanding of the notes was that if the doctor is releasing me to return to work on x date, that means that the x-1 date (day I was absent), I was not to be at work. I did not know the note had to use the specific wording of "unable to work." I was making a good faith effort to comply. Regarding requesting FMLA, I will be doing so, but part of the reason I had not before was that at least some of my FMLA will be for depression. I have been treated for this in the past with counseling and medication, and currently with medication only, but am suffering a recurrence. I have been hesitant to request FMLA for this because my supervisor is the FMLA and leave coordinator, and would, obviously, see my FMLA paperwork and know the reason for the FMLA. There have been remarks made in the past, not about any one person in particular, but in general, how "people seem to request mental health FMLA when they don't want to work." I am wary of being seen like that, especially with the absenteeism issue already in play. I haven't told my husband about the meeting, because I feel like I am a failure and that he would be disappointed and mad at me. I still haven't heard any decision from the meeting, and the anxiety is tremendous. Between that meeting and not getting the time off, and the car needing work, and not being able to see my uncle, I feel like I am breaking apart. I have a call in to a therapist I was referred to by our employee assistance program. Hope to be able to see her soon. Thanks for letting me vent!
  11. I totally get this....it could describe my life completely. I miss work because I cannot make myself go....but I end up feeling guilty because I think...well, if I REALLY HAD to go, I could. Which makes me feels worse, and even less likely to be able to go in to work. I am still struggling with this. You are not alone.
  12. I wish to have a fatal disease for different reasons. Wanting a fatal disease for missing work, or getting people together, sympathy all lead to a general reason which is wanting attention. People like me prefer negative attention which is like being injured or tantrums or sick and positive which feels less meaningful and not as long lasting are like winning an award or talking with people, but obviously the positive attention is the right thing to get. Basically, you want attention, even if you say you don't then just try it and you will have the feeling that you want to go to work instead of missing it. I think you are not understanding my reasoning on why I wish I had some other horrible illness (not necessarily fatal). It's not about attention -- it's because I am having issues getting myself to accept that my depression/anxiety IS a real illness. I feel incredibly GUILTY about missing work, or going to work but feeling like hell, or not having the energy/motivation to do things around the house or with friends. I feel like my boss (and to a lesser degree my husband) are getting as tired as I am (or more) of this, and I keep feeling like I should be able to just "stick with it" -- which I KNOW if I had a more "conventional" (for lack of a better word) disease, I would not feel like I have to justify how I am feeling. Believe me when I say, attention from my boss about this is NOT what I want (I work in customer service and being an introvert suffering from depression & anxiety, this is stressful -- I do not miss work AT ALL when I am not there).
  13. So, just wondering if anyone else here sometimes =wishes= that they had some horrible illness (non-mental illness) because then they feel that they would be justified in feeling like crap all the time? Between my depression, asthma, weight, and general feeling like sh*t all the time, I still feel like I should be able to "buck up" and "keep calm, carry on." But I can't, and I feel guilty about that, to the point that I often fantasize about "what if some of these symptoms really meant I had (insert some dread disease here) -- then I would have an "acceptable" reason to feel this way/miss work/etc. Any one else? Or just me?
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