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KrystalVisions

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  1. Hi Ues***a. I know what you mean about the Universe being Unjust. I used to believe in a higher power but I am not sure I do anymore. why would a higher power allow so much injustice in the world? Extreme depression, disease, war, misery etc etc. I used to love the natural world so much, but now it's hard to love anything. Nature is honestly so mean and unfair. And I don't know how to help you or me either. I wish we lived way in the future where they knew more about the brain and there could be a possible cure for this. I wish we lived in a Star Trek age. And I know what you mean about wishing you were never born. I wish that for myself too.
  2. I know this sounds crazy, but I've attempted suicide 3 times within the last several months always ending up in the psychiatric ward. I know supposedly suicide is wrong, and yes it would **** my family and boyfriend but I can't seem to think of anything else these days. I have severe anhedonia. I get no pleasure out of anything anymore. I can't even get aroused. A little background on me. Last spring I experienced a psychotic break where I heard voices, saw aliens etc. It was my second psychotic break in my life. When I came back to sanity I was happy for a few months, then spiraled down into the worst depression that I ever had in my life. Medications don't seem to work or take too long to work. I was just put on Lamictal yesterday and I hope to God it works but I am at my wits end. I don't know what to talk about with people anymore because I've just been in and out of mental hospitals since September. I feel like a walking corpse. I read that they have assisted suicide in belgium and some other countries for people with Severe depression. Whenever someone has a terminal illness, a lot of people are all for assisted suicide, but for mental illnesses, people say you have no right to end your life. that you HAVE to go on and keep suffering. I have to say I would rather have a physical disease than depression. Maybe that sounds crazy but it's true. I would rather be dealing with Cancer. At least there's hope with cancer, but no one can seem to figure out the brain. There is no magic pill that cures depression and anhedonia. When you get no pleasure out of ANYTHING what is the point in living? I read that Belgium assists people with suicide who have extreme depression. Do they help foreigners seek relief as well? I doubt it. I wish to God they had a euthanasia clinic in the US that would assist people with chronic depression commit suicide. whenever I tell my family or boyfriend that I am suicidal they just get angry. But all I feel is suffering. I just want the pain to end. All I can seem to do all day is obsess over different medications and possible cures for depression. Nothing seems to be helping. I will give this new med a chance to work, but I have little hope. It's hard to be optimistic. I know I will probably anger people with this post, but I don't care. If there was a Doctor in the US who helped with assisted suicide, I would go see them immediately. If Belgium offers assisted suicide to US citizens I would spend all my funds to fly there to complete the job. Is there anyone else who feels this way or am I alone in this? I am afraid to talk about it with my family and boyfriend anymore. But I have nothing else to talk about but my pain. I feel like a burden and I feel like they would be better off without me. Of course it might give my dad no reason to live. He even said so. This makes me feel very selfish, but everyone wants me to stay alive for them. What is more selfish. Suicide or making someone suffer because you can't bear to let them go? I know I will get a lot of angry responses. I know people will continue to tell me "There is hope" and this and that, but it's very hard to see it when all you have is a dark cloud hanging over your head. I only get relief when I am asleep. When I wake up I experience the pain all over again. I do basically nothing all day but obsess about this and I don't know how to stop. Everyone tells me I just don't try hard enough and that its going to take work, but how can you work at feeling pleasure when it's all chemical? Does Anhedonia ever go away? Is anyone else here suicidal and wishing they had a doctor who could help assist in ending it? I would like to at least know I am not alone. Sorry for the long post. I just don't know where to turn anymore. Hospitalizations have done nothing to help. Thanks.
  3. YES. I am having the same issues you are having right now. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a creative spirit. It would make life easier. But I have been diagnosed as Bipolar and I can't seem to keep my moods in check. Now my doctor is weaning me off of Abilify but he added Cymbalta. I just want off of meds completely. That's all I look forward to.
  4. Hi guys. Well I am sort of new here. A physician's assistant was posing as a doctor and she prescribed celexa to me which sent me into a psychosis for a month. I ended up in the hospital for three days etc. During this time, God himself spoke to me. Now this new doctor has diagnosed me as Bipolar and said I had a manic episode. During my episode, I had a conversation with God that was as clear as day. Has anyone else here experienced God ACTUALLY speaking back to you? It's a long story that I can post here if people want to read it. After God spoke to me my imagination ran away with me and I was basically a schizo for a month. But God came to me as Jesus Christ and here is the thing. I was never religious or a bible thumper or ANYTHING like that. I always considered myself spiritual, not religious. But what I experienced almost felt biblical. Of course God said "We are all Christ," meaning we are all one under God. I am just wondering if I am crazy or if anyone else ever had such an experience. It's a long story and again I can post it all here if people want to read it. I am just looking for support. Because Now my doctor has me on Abilify and Cymbalta and is slowly weaning me off the abilify. But he just added cymbalta. I want off drugs completely. Abilify kills any pleasure for life that I have. And I feel guilty for this because If what I experienced with God was real, I feel extremely special and grateful. I hope people here don't think I am loony lol. So have any of you experienced God talking back to you?
  5. Okay. I guess posting in this forum is the first step. This might turn out to be rather long. Sorry guys. I just turned 29 in august. I'm female. And I have serious depression issues. These feelings have come and gone my entire life. They did not just start when I hit puberty. They were even there when I was a very young child. The only person who truly knows that I get this depressed is my boyfriend. Sometimes this strains our relationship, and I feel awful that I dump it all on him, but I don't feel comfortable sharing certain things with people unless we reach a certain intimacy level. What's funny is my boyfriend actually has his Masters in clinical psychology, but he can't be my Boyfriend AND therapist. He has pushed me to see an actual therapist, but I have a hard time imagining myself actually being able to express all my feelings to a total stranger. It's not all about being stubborn. For some reason a part of me can't bring myself to even call a therapist, and make an appointment. I am not the best at communicating my feelings in person. The best possible way for me to express myself is through writing, like I'm doing now. I feel like if I actually go and see a therapist, and attempt speaking to them person, then nothing will even come out of it and I'll have wasted all of our time. I also usually assume the therapist is just going to tell me the same crap I've always known. I don't know how a therapist is going to suddenly change everything and make it all better. I also just got laid off. I am lucky that I have a bit of money saved up, so I will be fine for a while, but that was not the cause of my depression, even though it is quite frustrating. I worked at a post production company, and I have worked in reality TV for most of my twenties now. And here I am, yet again, laid off and going no where. This company decided to outsource. Wonderful. The boss that loved me there and gave me a raise, had been fired a few months before. They hired a new Jerk and now here we are. Laid off. So I am trying to use this time to figure out another career path. I've only taken classes here and there, but I never really went to college. I had to pay for college myself with no help, so when I went to community college and it felt like High school all over again, it just turned me off to it back then. Here I was, paying to be tortured. That's how it felt. I had no interest in sitting in classrooms anymore. I also had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, and It just felt like a waste of time when I had no direction. I was seeing many people fall into debt after college, and then even asking ME for jobs because I knew people in the industry. Yes asking me to help them get a job, when I had no degree and no debt. So those are some reasons why I chose not to bother with college then. I have had many crappy go no where jobs over the years, and then a friend got me into TV. I've tried some things in that industry. I went through a period of thinking I wanted to be a film editor, but for many reasons, I don't want that anymore. It came to a point where I just didn't care to try hard. I type really fast and became known for that. Everyone in reality TV wanted me to transcribe for them or log the footage. You can actually make decent money doing that, especially if you're fast, for those who don't know. And I have made decent money doing it, but I can't do it anymore. It's ******* my brain. I just feel like I wanted so much out of life when I was a kid, and now I have failed myself. Everything I ever wanted to be sounds like an impossible pipe dream. I could sing as a kid, I could draw. I was obsessed with animals and read about them all the time. I was always told I was a good writer, and that I should write kids books. Most of the things I was passionate about just kind if fizzled away. I'm told I can still sing. I know my voice is there, but it's very rusty and I just never feel like singing. Or that I am good enough anymore. I still write on occasion but it's usually only for myself. And I haven't written anything in months now. My dad and I are close, but my mom has been a meth addict my whole life and has put us through hell. I blame her for adding to my problems. She left when I was 15, and I was relieved. Most people could not understand but I really felt NO emotion when they mentioned my mom. I felt like a robot. I shed no tears for her. I only cried because I saw what she did to my dad. But it was not for myself. And then of course, my trailer trash mother meets another meth addict, they screw and out pops my little half sister. My mom was in her mid forties when she had my sister. My sister was born with meth in her system, and she has down syndrome. My mom was living in Bullhead city at the time, and working at a casino in Laughland. My dad and I visited, and he fell in love with my sister. At this time, I did not want my mom or anyone in her family in my life anymore. I didn't even want to meet my sister then. I wanted to pretend like my mom didn't exist. But of course, being a meth addict, she lost her job at the casino. Her loser older boyfriend was not working, so they ended up homeless, living out of a truck, with my 3 year old sister, in bullhead s***ty Arizona. My sister got sick. My dad heard it all and felt bad. He let my mom come back to Los Angeles to stay with us. I did not want her coming back. No one did. All of our friends and family thought my dad was crazy, including me. But she came and I fell in love with my sister. She's my little buddy now. But I knew once they came, they'd stay with my dad for fricken ever. My dad can be too nice sometimes, and people take full advantage. Oh and that wasn't enough. No. My sister had to have her father in her life too, according to my dad. So he let her father, yes, my mom's other boyfriend, come and "visit" us. That visit turned into living there. And it has been that way until this day. 8 ******* years later. Those moochers have been living at our house for 8 ******* years. And yes I live here too right now. I spend most of my time with my boyfriend, but I still technically live here. And there are many reasons for that. My mom is the worst ******* monster that anyone could have the displeasure of living with. I can't even begin to tell a normal family what it's like to live with a nagging, angry, hateful BEAST. and it was I who tried to force her into rehab 3 years ago. My sister's dad is off of drugs now, and trying, but he's old. He had fricken cancer on his face and almost died from something else. He is a mess and too old to take care of a special kid. My mom is a psychotic meth addict. My sister would have NO chance if it were not for me and my dad. The only reason child protective services didn't take her away, is because both my dad and I were living here. We had to say we help take care of her. My mom got off for a while, but now she's right back on again. She is a horrible beast and brings out the worst in me. I can't stand her voice anymore. I don't want to leave my sister around her, because she's an unfit loser mother. She cares about drugs more than anything else. She is a loss cause, and though it may sound terrible to someone who doesn't know the situation, I have wished she would overdose before. Overdose and be out of our lives. I can't take care of my sister myself, but I am worried it might come to that in the future. I love my sister, but I never even wanted kids of my own. I don't want to be stuck taking care of someone else. So I am a 29 year old woman with a completely abnormal living situation. I feel like I have no home right now. I jump back and forth between "home" and my boyfriends. I find myself spending more and more time there to get away, but he doesn't want to move in together right now, plus his apartment is just way too small for two people. I really don't want a room mate unless I know them REALLY well. I have a hard time picturing myself living with someone other than family, who I wasn't intimate with. If I am going to move out, and if I am going to pay *** loads of money to support the ridiculous L.A rent, then I'd better D*** well be ALONE and have my space. But I can't afford to be alone, especially now that I have been laid off. Living here and having no rent has it's great perks. I have been able to save up money, and afford a nice car. I actually enjoy being around my dad and sister. But I can't take being around those moochers anymore. I resent them for being in our lives. I resent them for not being normal ******* adults and taking care of their own responsibilities. But if they left, with my sister, I would go insane. Because they are unfit loser parents. She would be doomed. They'd park her in front of the TV and let the TV raise her. Like the TV raised me when my dad was at work. Basically "here watch TV so I can get back to my dope." My mom has basically ruined our lives. I wish to god my dad never loved her and I don't know what he saw in her. She ran us into debt when I was a kid. my dad barely has anything because of her. She has tried to bond with me in some ways, but I have no feelings inside. If she died I don't know if I could even bring myself to cry. I hate her for what she did to us when I was a kid, and I hate her now for ruining our lives even more. I want her out of my life, but I cannot take care of Tabatha. I resent her for putting my dad and I in this situation. It isn't fair. And you can't force someone to get clean. I wish my dad would just kick her *** out and give her an ultimatum but I know he wont. It's always ME who has to do that and I'm tired of it. It's not my god D*** house, why should I be the one who ALWAYS has to try and change anything? This is basically what I see. Everyone just goes with the flow. No one seems to think about the future here. Why am I the only one thinking about it? I guess everyone just assumes we'll wait until my mom finally overdoses and then what? Her dad certainly can't take care of her on his own! Those losers have never tried to get their own jobs, or even TRY to get on their feet. Not even try! This is their ******* retirement home! My dad's house, the one he's supposedly leaving to me, is I guess their retirement home. That they've destroyed. Man I am getting angrier bu the minute as I type this. I want to leave but I have no fricken direction. I recently realized that I might have bad ADHD. I cannot focus on one thing. I can start something, get excited about it, and then feel completely uninterested with zero passion for it the next day. I often start things, get overwhelmed and just give up. It's easier on me, and less stressful, just to give up on things. I find I don't handle stress well at all, and inside I go into panic mode. I'd rather just hide. Part of the reason I have done so much transcription work, is it doesn't involve having to interact with people. I actually like going out, drinking and being very social. But for some reason in a work situation, I have zero confidence and would usually rather be left alone. At least by the bosses. I can be okay talking with co workers, but some days I couldn't even be social. Some days I just had my headphones on, and wanted to be left alone by everyone. This isn't really healthy for me though. My brain was turning to mush. I felt my work had no purpose. I felt I was wasting my life, other than making a paycheck. So that brings me to where I am now. My boyfriend wants me to find my true passion. Well I have many passions, but I know they are unrealistic. I am tired of hearing the BS spiel "you can be whatever you want to be!" because it's simply not true. I'd love to be a dolphin trainer, but it would take years of school and training and I'd be lucky to even land a job anywhere. Also I do not want to be 40 by the time I even start another career. And no matter what anyone says, money does matter. I need to make enough money to get the hell away from this situation. I don't want to struggle to pay my bills. I am going to be 30 next year. I just want to feel like a fricken adult whose going somewhere in life. Instead I feel like I'm being held back. There is always something holding me back. I am thinking about going back to school for something else, but I don't know where the hell to start. I've decided just to try and find something that I might be able to at least tolerate and that pays well enough so that I can live comfortably on my own. But I can't focus or make decisions to save my life. I wish I had someone, just once, tell me what the **** I'm supposed to be doing with my life because I have no clue. I had zero direction or support from home as a kid, because my dad was busy dealing with my mom, fighting every weekend. And I have zero direction now. No one seemed to take enough interest in my talents as a kid to really push me to go farther. Just the simple things like having someone direct you to college, or help you figure out what the hell you really want to do with your life. I look at my boyfriend's family and I grow resentful. I know he can feel it, but I can't help it. And I know he did absolutely nothing wrong. I just get resentful when he talks about his college years, like they were so great. It just leaves me feeling enraged. It reminds me how a "normal" life is supposed to be. I feel like my rage has been building more and more as I age, and I just can't hold it back anymore. My road rage has even gone through the roof. I'm seriously afraid that one day I am going to get into an accident. And the scariest thing is, some days I am hoping for a huge semi truck to hit me from the side, ******* me instantly and putting me out of my misery. I feel like some days I can't even cope with my own brain. I don't think most people even realize what a handicap my own brain is. I feel like it holds me hostage. The negative thoughts I can't control take over at times, and I say the most god awful embarrassing things to my boyfriend. And I always regret it. It's always through text because I can't seem to express myself in person. He has been so supportive and so patient with me, I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. And yet I take out all my problems on him and I am worried I am going to end up destroying one of the only things that makes life worth living to me. When I get so enraged, I feel like part of my mother is coming out of me and it scares the hell out of me. I would rather **** myself than ever be like her. I used to think that my mom issues did not affect me, but perhaps she is the reason why I am the way I am. I don't know. I always had a great dad and I am grateful for him, but I would never want to live through my child hood again. I got picked on at school and I got to go home to my parents fighting. It was hell. In fact my entire school life was hell all the way up until I decided to just leave high school and get my GED. It's pretty pathetic. In elementary and junior high I was a straight A student who the teachers loved, but in high School, the only fricken school that apparently matters before college, I stopped caring. I was so depressed, and so suicidal I didn't care about anything. I was also in love with a boy who crushed my heart, so that didn't help. At 16 you might think that sounds stupid. Being so upset over a stupid boy. But with all the other issues I had going on, that was just the icing on the cake. I wasn't planning my future because I really did not plan to live passed 30. I was planning to just off myself in some way. My dad and no one ever knew this. I told no one. I have suffered in silence for many years. I saw no point in living. No future for me. So lets see, I clearly have depression, I know I have bad social anxiety still, and I am pretty sure I have ADHD. I read they do things with their hands sometimes. Needing movement to think. and I've been doing these weird hand things ever since I was a kid. I don't do it in front of people, but I always do when I am by myself. Mostly grabbing some object and flipping it in my hand. I know I look completely ******** when I do this. They thought it was a problem as a kid. Now I see I might have just been ADHD. I have never seen a doctor about any of this so I am only guessing. But I don't know what else is wrong with my brain. I feel like I need medication to control my mood swings, but I am afraid of the side effects. I can't believe I am typing all of this in a forum for strangers to read. My Leo pride has often kept me from really going into detail about my feelings. The thing is, I am not ALWAYS depressed. I also experience highs, usually lasting for short periods at a time. I also have a hard time sitting in one place for a while. I get very antsy and bored easily. I have a hard time focusing and paying attention at times. This frustrates my boyfriend because he thinks I don't listen to him. Sometimes I don't. I often go into my own little world. So much, that sometimes at work I'd almost get upset when people interrupted my thoughts lol. It's like I'd rather just zone out in my own world sometimes, rather than actually talk to people. I hate the fact that I can't decide on anything. For school, I am afraid to commit to something only to find out I wasted my time and money. Knowing me, I am unpredictable even to myself. I don't know what will make me happy, or what will make me miserable. I know I am supposed to just try things, but I am 29. Yeah that's not THAT old yet, but I don't want to be super old when I am starting all over. I know I am a very impatient person. I wonder if that comes with ADHD? I want things to happen quickly and be done with. I know I need to work on that. But it's especially hard right now. I've been looking at career colleges, but they are expensive and the thought of going into debt makes my stomach turn. You see I have no debt right now. I am very good and careful with money. I certainly don't want to create debt for myself, and then find out I hate the career I chose to study. I know I need to like what I'm doing. I am looking for fulfillment. I want to feel good about myself and proud of the work I do. But I need to make a decent wage as well. And I don't mean like a huge pay check, I'm thinking I need to AT LEAST make 50 grand a year to survive on my own in L.A. It's expensive to live here. I love animals but I couldn't do anything in a Vet because I can't handle blood or the thought of being present in surgery, and those seem to be the only animal jobs you can sort of make a living off of. Sigh. So I just don't know what to do. I also have to be realistic. There is no way I am going to spend time and money on school if I can't even find a job afterward. I am not going to waste my time in school if it's just to end up working at Star Bucks with so many other Liberal Arts majors. Oh yeah. And a therapist. My boyfriend wants me to use this time off to see a therapist. Other than medication, I just don't see how a therapist can help. I am pretty self aware and I am learning to spot my destructive patterns. I KNOW I am supposed to change my way of thinking, but that's just it. I can't control my moods. If I am in a miserable mood, I don't know how to change that. Changing the way you think is easier said than done. Also, is the therapist going to give me a direction? Offer me a good job? Give me money? Buy me a house or pay for an apartment for me to live in? Get my mother out of my life? Those are all things that I know would make me happier, but it's not going to happen. So I am going to have to try and get over my handicaps and do it myself. I admit, there are some days that are good, and I feel great. But far too often I feel terrible, with no passion for life or anything around me. Nothing sounds appealing to me on these days. The thought of doing any career for the rest of my life, makes me just want it all to end on these days. I am not going to commit suicide. I would never do that to my boyfriend or family. I know that would be very selfish of me. But on certain days I feel like I am only here for other people, certainly not myself. On these days part of me wishes that a comet would fall on my head, and end it all for me. Then I could say it was out of my control, so it wasn't a suicide. My self esteem is unusually low and I don't know why. Ever since I hit puberty, I have been pretty attractive, and I have never had any trouble attracting men. It had come to a point where my looks were the only thing I valued about myself. And sometimes that's still how I feel. Sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better and confident, is getting dressed up hot and being hit on and fawned over by men (yes my boyfriend knows. It never goes beyond letting them flirt with me anymore.) I know it's pathetic, but it helps. I like to feel attractive and hot, and it boosts my self esteen. I know I look a lot younger than my age. Most people think I'm in my early 20's. So I feel like a total loser, but at least I can still pass as a 20 year old, instead of some loser who will be 30 next year. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want to be constantly happy, and not just in short spaztic spurts, but I don't know how :(. Sorry for the long post. Now let's see if anyone even reads this lol. -Krystal
  6. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

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