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everycloud

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About everycloud

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  • Birthday 03/21/1979

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  1. I have been on Mirtazapine 30mg for many years and had a good outcome. I have recently been prescribed Duloxetine 120mg for diabetic neuropathy along with 75mg of pregabalin and wow. I feel the best I have ever felt in all my adult years. I actually have ideas and looking forward to the rest of my life. I feel like a teenager again. I thought that I was doing ok just getting out of my bed and going to work.. but now I can't wait to wake up and start the day. Is anyone also on a combination of meds? How did you get on, and did they eventually 'poop out? TIA EveryCloud
  2. This is very close to home for me. I lost my Uncle a year ago to the day and he was an absolute shining light in our family. It is very difficult to see any light in this world and I have all too often wondered what is the point of this rat race? But something always keeps me going and that is that although my Uncle may be gone he lives on in me, his blood is in me as we are a sum of my grandparents. I keep going because if I can shine just a little of my Uncle to someone and make them smile he will never truly be gone. I live on through my nieces and nephews and that gives me hope. Life is cruel and hard and some days it is an uphill battle, but sooner or later that uphill battle becomes a routine and you eventually see your worth. I keep going, not because I want to live, but because I want the ones who have passed live on in me.
  3. I didn't know where to post this, but I am hoping that you guys can maybe give me some support. I have a friend, had a friend. He was going through something and I was there for him. He was constantly posting on Facebook about how depressed he was and I took it upon myself to go and cheer him up. I went and made sure he had food in, I took him for lunch and then for dinner as he is unemployed at the moment. I just generally made sure he was OK and that he knew that he had a friend. I must also point out that he lives many miles away and I pretty much went across country to see him and then came back the same day. He said thanks for everything and when I finally got home I felt happy that he at least knew someone cared about him. When I got in I was shocked to find he had posted on Facebook about how nobody liked him and he was alone in the world and had no friends. I was so angry that I commented and asked what we had done that day? Why had I even bothered to go see him and spend money on him to at least make sure he was OK and that he had someone? I was so angry that I had basically spent a small fortune making sure he was OK and to come home to that was like a slap in the face. Now I must point out. I never did this for praise. I never did this even for acknowledgement. I am just so furious with him and he has now blocked me on social media. This isn't the first time he has done this either. I just feel so abused! He has lots of friends that are constantly bending over backwards for him and he never seems to even register this, he just seems to expect it. I know depression is a terrible disease, but I also know that you have to fight! I just feel really used and downhearted and I don't know what to do now. I do care about him.
  4. I can relate. I sometimes feel like I am just looking out my eyes and I am on auto pilot. Deep in thought, about the universe, life, everything. People think I am weird... I like being weird...
  5. Thanks for the reply. I ended up getting very drunk. sorry I never replied sooner, but you are right. I think I need to get out more and visit cities. at least get out of this town.
  6. I am gay and live in a small town that is fairly homophobic. I can't stand it anymore. I get abuse hurled at me in the street and I no longer go to local pubs because it always ends in someone trying to assult me. I am 37 and have only been in a few relationships. I am so lonely right now. I have been up most of the night in tears. I have friends, but they don't understand. I wish I could just take a pill to make me straight, I hate myself most of the time, so it only makes me hate myself even more when other people hate me for being gay. I dare not make eye contact with anyone attractive. I can't afford to move. I am sorry if this seems all over the place, I have deleted and re-wrote several times. I am just so sick of being me! I have Grindr and Scruff on my phone, but that just upsets me more, all these attractive people so much younger than me and deffo not interested in me. if only I was younger, if only I wasn't born at a time when homosexuality was still frowned upon I could be confident and out there dating. It doesn't help when you have clicked that you are interested in someone only for them to vanish off the site, obviously they have blocked me. I am at the end of my tether, I just don't know what will become of me. I am almost 40. 40! I feel sick just thinking about it! I will probably die alone, all because I am born into being attracted to men. I hate it. I hate myself.
  7. I have been on 30mg for about a year now. My weight hasn't really altered, in fact, I think I have lost some.
  8. I kind of zone out and buy stuff. I have also had days of deciding to go places randomly, some days when I am supposed to be working. I might mention it. I doffo feel that something is wrong. It is hard to explain.
  9. I have been depressed most of my adult life, I have been on and off anti-depressants since my teens and I am currently on 30mg of Mirtazapine per day. I have noticed an odd obsessiveness in the last few years of collecting things, I go on mad spending sprees and will decide that I need 13 bum-bags or a collection of dice or playing cards it is worrying but non harmful at the moment. After looking online, I have noticed that this behaviour is associated with bi-polar. I was wondering if anyone could shed some light on this for me. I am thinking of contacting my GP about it, but I am naturally concerned of the possibility of more medications.
  10. Hey! Read your post and I can really relate, feel free to Pvt me anytime. You are not alone in this. Big hugs! ~ everycloud.
  11. I lost so many friends, but I am lucky I have such solid ones left. The 'What have you got to be depressed about?" one seems to be the one that I always get. 'I don't understand why you let people annoy you so much' Or my favourite one from my very own mother 'You have your pills now it's time you got over it' It's the people who think because you have depression, you are a wee bit upset. they just don't get the sheer terror and horribleness that goes on, when you can't leave your bed, not because you are lazy but because you feel you have cement pulsing through your body, or you physically can't move because you feel trapped inside your mind looking out at a world filled with evil and hatred 'Your doing it for attention' yeah, I have had that one too. I love that one. Thats why I hide away for weeks on end and don't contact my friends, because I wan't 'attention'. Genius! Nothing to do with the fact I wish the entire world would leave me alone to die. Some doctors are the worst!
  12. Looking at my illness as a gift, That made me smile :) Thinking of my illness as some kind of 'Spidey-sense' to garden shrub out fake friends might not be as bad an idea as it sounds, after reading your post I can allready see who is a real friend and who isn't. And yes, true friends are worth 100 of the fake friends easily, if only the fake friends didn't anger me so much that it blinds the love of my true friends. I hate hating, and I hate the people who make me hate, I am not that kind of person.
  13. Forgivness is the key, I first need to forgive myself for being this way, try and not think that it was all my fault. One of the many drumming thoughts that travel around my head. Thank you for the reply. I just have to keep on moving forward.
  14. I feel like I could have wrote the same as you, I am 33 and I am the same, still live with parents. Seem to only have friends that wan't me when they need someone. I decided just to be myself, I am saving money to move away. People in this town I live in are so narrow minded and selfish, not to mentions ignorant and nasty. I have met lots of friends on line. but mostly I just sit alone and watch TV shows. got a new job, so will be meeting new people. don't think I will ever class anyone as a friend again. Only aqaintances. Do you go to online chat rooms, or have any hobbies you can fall back on? Being stuck in your own head is awful. I can relate.
  15. You sre not spoiled and selfish. I go through similar things myself, a never endiing circle wondering whats the point? Feeling guilty and then feeling worse because I actually have nothing to feel guilty about. I see people with REAL problems and I feel jelous because they are coping, and happy. A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer, and you would think she had won the lottery, telling me 'Life is for living, I won't waste another moment' And I look at her and think WOW! Where as I am stuck in the same routine day in day out. Same idiots annoying me, same rubbish on TV and same faces. Why am I not happy, some people would love this life, I just can't see why. You did the right thing venting, you are not selfish and you are most definately not alone.
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