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Stan Islavski

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Everything posted by Stan Islavski

  1. This is just a ramble. No responses are required - but feel free to if you like. 🙂 It’s very painful to feel tossed aside. And I’ve felt it many times by family, friends, and significant others. But it just occurred to me that my recent ex-employer also tossed me aside. It was a small company. A very tight-knit group. Lots of opportunities for growth and promotion. Until... the company was bought out. There was absolutely no consideration to many of the people that helped build the company into a profitable business. And the layers of management between myself and executives literally quadrupled. Again, with no consideration to offering me (or other key employees) a chance at promotion. So... I quit. And now I started a new job where I am once again the low man on the totem pole. At 45 years old, this situation is really causing my depression to show it’s ugly face. Don’t get me wrong. I know what I’m worth. I was at my old company for 6 years. And in the first 3 of those years I created over $500,000 in new revenue and operating reductions. To be abandoned and tossed aside like that is really difficult to handle. And starting over at 45 with no clear outlook of my future is equally difficult to swallow. I just want to say that the world can suck it! Lol and that makes me feel a little better. 🙂
  2. Because that’s what depression does to us. Depression is anger turned inward. Brace yourself... this will not be the last time you miss something important by a few days, or even a few hours. I cannot count the missed opportunities in my life. And that’s probably for the best. I have enough that I blame myself for. 😉 It sucks. My whole life is a s**t show. (I love that phrase lol) And I know we can all say the same. But somehow we keep plugging along. To me, that means that there is some kind of hope that something makes sense to us. And I think that’s a good thing. Even if we don’t know what that thing is.
  3. I get it. I am an artist too. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm 45. I remember when services like Go Fund Me and Patreon did not exist. I remember when trying to reach an audience outside a very small geographical radius was near impossible; and to do so meant spending far more than 8% in marketing with absolutely no guarantees I would recoup that. At least commission-based fees do not require a substantial up-front investment. Yeah, 3% is a lot to someone working their tails off to put food on the table and a roof over their head. But sometimes, we just need to be grateful for the things we do have. Soooo... depressing... yes. I do feel for ya. I'm not trying to say you have no reason to get upset about it. But for myself, I try to keep things like this in perspective. By all means, get upset. But then try to get past it and put your focus back on your work. https://techcrunch.com/2019/03/19/patreons-new-fees-are-surprisingly-low/
  4. I cannot stress this enough. Everything appears so distant and unattainable when we look at the bigger picture. Break things down into smaller tasks. It takes some practice... but holy crap does it make a world of difference. Small successes add up and build confidence. And before you know it, you will be minutes away from your larger goal. OK... so... don't misinterpret this but, school serves a purpose and boyfriends (and girlfriends for that matter) can be fleeting. School is important? Yes. School makes or breaks your future? Hell no. School is what YOU make of it. Period. So make it work for you... the best way you know how. Boyfriend not treating you in a manner that is conducive to your mental health? This is tough. I'm 45 years old and, likely, the last person you want to hear this from. But we tend to grasp onto things that are close to our ideal - even thought they fall short on a couple things. This cycle only ends with you. What's good enough for you? That's the question. Believe me. I'm 45 and I still "settle" for things because I feel I'm not good enough.
  5. I would like to stress that you are looking over the fence and you see that the grass is greener. But what you don't see is all the hard work it took to make that grass so green. Jumping over the fence in search for greener pastures is not the solution. If you want greener pastures you need to take care of the grass under your own feet. It takes blood sweat and tears to make a lush, green lawn. And without the proper care, anyone's lawn can dry up and die overnight if it's not taken care of. Living in the past is a funny thing. You never know when you're doing it... until tomorrow. Don't repeat the same mistakes. You're scared to ask her out. But I bet there were lots of women you were scared to ask out... and now you'd say, "I should've just asked her out." I've always been scared to death of talking to women. So I feel ya. But one thing that helped me make big strides was a simple little mantra: "I've wasted the last 10 years because I was too scared. In 10 more years, do I really want to say I wasted the last 20?" Finding your confidence is one of the hardest things for a guy to do. Take baby steps. Try different things to see what works for you. That's what I did. And I screwed up a lot too. But the great thing is, friends forgive your screw ups. Strangers... well... you never see them again anyway. :) Yeah... I don't think I have any good response to that. This disease we deal with just sucks the life force out of us. But it's like the lawn - it's an uphill battle every waking moment. Sometimes the drudgery pays off in the end and makes it all worth it.
  6. Good question. I suppose I drink. 😬 I honestly don't know what to say because I know I don't handle those times well. And those times have been more often than not with me lately. I don't handle my self-hate well. And I don't have a decent support system. But I bet you do. I doubt your hubby would be so helpful if he didn't love and support you. We make big sacrifices for the ones we truly love. I doubt your husband is any different.
  7. Sorry. We’re not all as enlightened and judicious as you. Ironic since we’re in the depression forum. Kinda makes my feelings of worthlessness even more justified. I am quite astonished at the lack of compassion in some of these posts.
  8. I have no misconceptions. I understand exactly. But most people don't. That's why I clearly stated, "most people don't know how or don't WANT to deal with temperamental animals." The only misconception here is that some people delude themselves into thinking that they can control animals, or the animal will NEVER act aggressively, or the animal will never again feel threatened in any manner for the rest of its life. I'm not for putting down animals. I love them. And perhaps I don't know the full story with this particular cat. I'm just going off what the OP wrote. That's all I can do since that's all the information that was given to me.
  9. Wow. OK. You and your employer are obviously in control of the rest of the animals' lives. You know for a fact that you place them with people that will never again see a person of any age that may display aggression toward the cat. Whatever that is you have there, you need to bottle it. Because it's worth billions. And as a bonus, just throw in that lack of compassion for children that you're carrying around.
  10. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but... tough love. You need to follow procedure and notify your supervisor. First you said, "not the first time I've handled cats who had biting or "bipolar" issues... she bit me without warning." Then you said, "I don't want a cat to be euthanized for my doing." If the cat has been on the bite procedure for a few days, how exactly is this an isolated incident that is caused by your behavior? I love cats to death. But truth is, animals can be temperamental same as people. And most people don't know how or don't WANT to deal with temperamental animals. You don't want the cat to get euthanized and you're OK risking your health because of it. Well, what happens when/if she bites someone else and they get infected? What happens when a family comes in and adopts her, and she attacks someone in the family? How about a 1 year old child that doesn't understand temperamental animals? What if the child gets an infection? What happens if the child's face is mauled? What happens if some young kid - just wanting an animal to love - gets bit, scratched, and left with facial scars? Are you willing to risk that?
  11. I don't know where I got it from. I've been good at beating myself up since I was a kid (I'm 45). There have been times when it wasn't like that - when I had my depression under much better control (for lack of a better word). Not always but sometimes. But lately I haven't been in the best of places. Everything I do, everything people say, just reminds me how crappy a person I am. Even if it's not intended that way at all. But my point was, I never beat up on myself to "discipline" myself. I just do it because it's what I would think of anyone that was as worthless as I am.
  12. I don't speak poorly to myself for "discipline". I speak poorly to myself because I'm a terrible and worthless person.
  13. Ringing in a little late here. I hope it is still helpful. You can try an online Physician. They charge a nominal fee for basic issues. I think the last time I used one, it was about $50. Of course, I'm sure many online Physicians are careful about prescribing medication to someone they don't know/have full history of. But Effexor/Venlafaxine is hardly a concern on the "street". You can also ask around your area for any doctors/clinics that work on a sliding scale. There are many, you just need to find them. Good luck!
  14. I agree with what has already been said. To add to it, I don't know that depression has anything to do with what YOU are needing right now. You have obviously been through a lot of hurt and pain. And you are looking for someone/something to blame. It might be the depression. It might not be. It's natural to feel that way but you'll likely never get the answer you want. I think that's a universal truth among all bad breakups. You sound like a very smart, capable, self-assured person. Don't let this change that. I suggest you take the needed time to grieve and then pick yourself up and start moving forward again. All that said, I can tell you a little bit of my story. I had thoughts about infidelity quite a bit in one of my previous relationships. My girlfriend was very selfish and emotionally manipulative/abusive. That relationship is what caused my depression to initially surface. I became so depressed and suicidal and I just wanted someone to treat me like I mattered. Since I wasn't getting that attention at home, I thought a lot about getting it elsewhere. I don't blame my ex-girlfriend for that. I also don't hold her accountable for my depression. In time, I realized that she just wasn't the person I needed her to be. My inability to break up with her sooner was a combination of many things. Most importantly, my low self-worth. So at the end of the day, we just weren't compatible. It was a horrible situation on many levels. And we both got hurt as a result. But depression or not, we were simply mismatched. And that was the bottom line. If your ex has depression, I think it's important you don't blame yourself. It's a horrible disease that you cannot control. And no matter how much you try to help and do the right thing, it might never matter in the end. And if your ex does NOT have depression, I think it's even more important that you don't blame yourself. Lack of integrity is also a horrible disease that you cannot control. And no matter how much you try to help and do the right thing, it definitely will never matter in the end. Always be true to yourself and the rest will work out on its own.
  15. Hi, I am currently in the middle of an extremely bad bout of depression (I've also developed a debilitating case of anxiety). I haven't been on meds in over 10 years. But with the severity of this bout, I've lost any handle I've had on it. That said, I KNOW something needs to be done. And my doctor wants to put me back on medication. But I'm opposed to medication. I have a few high-level reasons (and some biases) for disliking meds. But I don't know if this thinking is right or wrong considering the severity of my depression at this moment. Has anyone here successfully managed a severe bout of depression without meds?
  16. I certainly know how trapped that makes you feel. But step back from your negative bias for a second. You said you were going back to school to better your life. You may feel trapped because school does that at times. But all the time you're putting in right now is for yourself. It may not be the "fun" you envisioned you'd be doing at 30 years old. But it is time and effort you are spending on yourself.I went back to school at 36. It's hard and it takes up a lot of your time. But it's for you. If you don't like your major, change it. Always Remember the goal. Remember why you're doing it. Please believe me when I say it's just a little time out of your life. And you will have many great years to look forward to after you're done. Good luck!
  17. Well... I can tell you one thing for sure. The whole world is most definitely NOT moving forward and into better things. And sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. But that's only because you've not taken care of your own grass. Once you get to the other side of the fence, that grass will be great... for a little bit... until it turns brown and dies because you didn't water and fertilize it. We need to get into the habit of taking care of our own grass. Then it will be something worth enjoying. You want a different life but there is something you can do besides wait. And that is to take action. Set goals. Even small daily goals that will give you a sense of accomplishment. You have a month until your job ends. Use that time. Don't just sit on it. I usually feel like I don't have any energy to do anything. It's an uphill battle at first to get off the couch. But after a week or two it gets easier. Especially if it's routine. For example, I go to the gym a couple days a week. At first I didn't really have the energy. But now I look forward to it. Try it. I know it's not always easy. But I do believe it's worth it. Good luck!!
  18. I feel like me and my wife are in a very similar place. Without knowing a bit more about you, I would assume that this is not your depression talking and you're right to feel your marriage is disconnected. In fact, that's probably a part of what is perpetuating your depression right now. However, I don't believe she disapproves of you. My guess is that's a combination of a few things. For one, she probably has no idea how to help (and hasn't for a long time). That leads to frustration and withdrawal. It reminds me of my kid (he's 4). Sometimes I just don't know how to "reach" him. I try everything I can think of but we're just not connecting/communicating. And I just don't know what to do. That's likely how your wife feels. She is probably also frustrated that your depression doesn't go away quickly. People that don't suffer from depression just don't understand its effects. And they wonder why you just can't "get over it already". I don't know that I have much advice. But it sounds like you both could benefit from more open communication and (especially) understanding and empathy. I wish you all the best. And I really hope things get better for you.
  19. Personally, I'd do the taxes. I too feel like I'm not part of my team. The feeling sucks and no celebration dinner in the world is going to change that right now. Doing taxes sucks too. But they don't cause emotional perturbations like the former does. So getting them finished would definitely provide a sense of accomplishment. And it would be one less thing I'd be anxious about every day. Good luck!
  20. I am in the U.S. and I'm wanting to learn how other societies treat & manage depression. Does anyone have any first-hand knowledge? The reason I ask is because I want to manage the physical/chemical/neuro (whatever you want to call it) side of depression without medication. Any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
  21. I haven't seen her I a while but It's been a good experience. It hasn't been an uber enlightening experience. But I've seen 8 traditional therapists/psychs (that I can remember) and the life coach has provided more insight and homework in a few months than all of my therapists put together. But she also has a clinical background. So that probably fit well with me. Just like anything though, I'm sure there are some that aren't very insightful.
  22. I'm hoping someone out there might have some thoughts that will turn on a light bulb or two. One of the biggest issues I'm facing right now are negative thoughts. They consume me every minute I am alone and have nothing else to occupy my brain. These thoughts are all replays of times when I felt wronged in some form. It may have happened last week, or last year, or even twenty years ago. Many times these thoughts turn into violent thoughts. It is nothing I'm going to act on. It's just very disturbing. For example, I got into a disagreement with a friend several years ago and we've parted. I felt he was very unreasonable at the time, and so I replay the conversation in my head different ways... and also what I might say to him if I saw him again. But he's very stubborn and narrow-minded. So the replay in my head turns into a physical altercation - feeling like that's the only way to make him listen to me. The other day it got so bad that I felt "possessed". I just couldn't kick the thoughts out of my brain and it seemed like I was being controlled by them. That was pretty much the tipping point. Simply put, I'm not at peace. My brain's negativity bias is on turbo and I see nothing at all good about my life. I've been to several traditional therapists and also a life coach. Some were more useful than others. And we've tried different things to kick the negativity (including some CBT and mindfulness). But I just feel it's getting worse. In addition, my immune system is out of wack. In the last few months I've acquired some ailments that I never have before... along with 2 autoimmune diseases. There could certainly be some other factors, but I blame a large portion on the stress, negativity, and hatefulness that consumes me. Last night I thought about joining a Buddhist Temple - thinking that practicing zazen might get me going in the right direction. But I read that while zazen may provide some benefits, it will likely not be the lifestyle change that will reverse depression and anxiety. Perhaps that was just a "disclaimer" since they are not licensed therapists... but it wasn't very encouraging. Anyway... I'm open to thoughts. Thanks for reading. :)
  23. From the little bit you said, I would guess that there will ALWAYS be someone you are going to be envious of. If you achieved all the successes your friends have, I bet you would still find someone to be envious of. So my advice is to first realize that this is the way your brain is wired, and accept that it does not necessarily reflect reality. Second would be to determine what's important to you, and go after it. I know it's cliche. But I'm 40 and have been chasing after other peoples' successes my entire life. The times when I was most happy, was when I was chasing after my own passions (and marking those success along the way). It didn't matter what it was, or how much/little income it produced. It was all about me. It was selfish, but not in an unhealthy way. It was just me taking care of myself. And that can be a pretty powerful thing. Yes, these feelings of envy will return from time to time. No, they are not the answer the all your problems. But they are a large piece of the puzzle. And like most everything else we have to manage, it is important that we recognize them and deal with them appropriately when they arise. Good luck!
  24. One of the many layers to my depression (labeling it any further than that right now is futile) is feeling like I am unimportant in the grand scheme of things. That alone is not really what I am struggling with right now. It is how to manage it. In my case, I feel unimportant all the time. As a result I put others' needs ahead of mine. And when someone discusses their problems, I often feel like my problems aren't so horrible. So I should just shut my mouth and suck it up. But then I feel even more depressed because I don't allow myself to talk about my issues out of fear I will appear/feel petty. I know I'm not alone with this. So I'm just wondering how others might have come to manage this sort of thing. I mean the "right" thing to do when depressed is to talk with someone. But if that results in feeling petty, we can feel even worse. And if we don't talk at all, we can feel even worse. Thoughts?
  25. Lately, I've been struggling with determining why I have difficulty being happy and showing it. My 1-year old son is an incredible joy to be around. But when he does something funny or cute, I catch myself stifling my reactions to him... especially when other people are around. And it's not just with my son - it's with other things too. So I keep thinking back to my earliest memories, trying to figure out where exactly I was taught that "being happy is wrong." But I just can't put my finger on it. I'm just looking for thoughts or questions I can ask myself that perhaps I haven't asked yet. All input is appreciated.
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