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Stan Islavski

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  1. Thanks. I don’t think it’s “brave” though. I think it’s chicken s**t. I can’t put an end to it, and I can’t fix it. So all I have left is to complain quasi-anonymously. If I was truly brave maybe I’d share with family or friends. But I don’t.. If I was truly brave I would continue to seek out a good counselor. But that has proven to be such a discouraging process that I can no longer bear it. If I was truly brave I would share with my wife. But putting the possibility of her dismissal in front of potential healing is weakness in its finest form. I like your analogy as our hearts as containers. I’ve always wondered why I lacked some basic human emotions such as love. That would certainly explain why.
  2. I used to know someone that found a lot of success having ECT. But I don't know much about it, and so will side with mmd. Please do some very careful and thorough research. Edit: I do want to ask though, is this REALLY a last resort? I am in no way downplaying your trials for the past year. But 1 year and you are already thinking of a last resort? I know nothing more than what you wrote here. But my gut reaction is: get a new therapist, and try different meds.
  3. My dad had depression and my mom had anxiety. That's what I know for sure. I can't say what other mental illnesses either of them had. They had 4 boys... all 4 have some type of depression AND anxiety. They also had 2 girls... both of which have some type of anxiety. One is much worse than the other. But they both have it. Is it genetic? Or is it learned behavior? I don't know. Jury is out on that. I don't always buy into the genetic thing. But whether or not it is genetic, we are a product of our environment.
  4. I visit the forums here when I'm feeling s**tty, but usually just read through the posts and respond with (hopefully) some positive thoughts. Lately though, I have nothing positive to say. I've written many of these and never hit "submit". But I'm going to submit it this time. So I apologize in advance for such being such a downer. This will likely be long. For the past few weeks my mood is the worst it's been in almost 20 years. I went off medication. And my irritability has soared through the roof. But, for better or worse, I also quit drinking alcohol. I started a new job and the whole situation sucks. I was at my last job for 6 years. I gave blood sweat and tears to that company. I was underpaid with the assumption that there was plenty of advancement opportunity. Between cutting operating expenses and creating new revenue streams, the company benefited over $500,000 from my employment. Year after year, my boss kept saying "management" is on the horizon. I finally had enough of it, and my division did nothing to try and retain me. Now I'm at a new company back at the bottom - doing s**t work that adds zero value. And in my 20+ years of professional employment, I've never worked with a team that was so complacent with mediocrity. I think that upsets me more than anything since I don't accept mediocrity very easily. I'm in a sexless, discouraging marriage. No emotional support whatsoever. I've even been told my problems aren't important. Funny too, that happened in my first marriage as well. I'm angry, hateful, and resentful of everyone and everything. My ideations of suicide, vengeance, and violent behavior are now constant and unstoppable. I don't know what love is. I'm not sure if I ever did, nor ever had the capacity for it. My dad died when I was 16. My mom died 5 years ago. I don't know that I ever felt sad for either one. To me, it is what it is. People live and then they die. I'm indifferent. I think I just expect that people don't stick around very long. That's how I feel about it. And that bothers me. I don't know if I believe in God. I was raised as a Christian. And if God does exist, I hate him for making me (and others that suffer the same as me). And I hate him for all the evil in the world. I think one of my biggest fears is if people don't want me around. I've experienced abandonment in many forms since a very young age. It remains the worst pain I've ever felt. And it seems to keep happening to me quite frequently. I can't forgive. I hold horrible resentment for people that have "wronged" me. Always have. Instead of having the ability to work through it, it just keeps adding up. As I get older, the pile of hatred and resentment just keeps getting bigger. There is a lot of old stuff that is buried in there. But none of it has lessened. A few years ago I came to the realization that I am a terrible person in some ways. I resent myself for things I have done, and can't forgive myself either. Probably never will. I can't graduate beyond suicidal thoughts. I don't think I've ever given it a solid attempt. I wish I could. But I can't and never could. Even if I wanted to I couldn't do it. And that bothers me. It's just extremely disheartening knowing that - if I ever wanted to end it - I wouldn't have the guts to go though with it. Today I passed a police officer on the way home from work and thought of ways I could get him to shoot me. People say they love me. I don't believe it for a second. I've seen probably more than a dozen counselors in my life. Most of them were worthless. One of them was OK. I'd probably continue to see her. But she moved her practice about an hour away. I'm so sick. And I just can't get better. Why? (that's rhetorical... please don't feel obligated to answer or respond)
  5. No. I don’t think I’ll be doing that this time. But thanks for the thought.
  6. I apologize for letting this out here. But I don’t think I’ve ever said this out loud. So you lucky ducks get to hear it. I hate the world and I hate my life. I don’t think it’s possible for me to hate them any more than I do at this moment. That is all.
  7. I'm intrigued by this. How do you do this without being shunned further? How do you do this without feeling shame? How do you do this without losing even more friends and family?
  8. I agree with holding ourselves accountable. Any person at any given age could have any level of emotional sensitivity. And since that sensitivity is the product of past experience, it is unfair to put the responsibility on them. ESPECIALLY a child. There is nothing shameful about acknowledging when we hurt someone’s feelings. They need to know that (no matter how absurd it might seem to us) their feelings are always valid. Only after they’ve been validated will they be open to possible correction. But when the emotions and feelings of a child, man, or woman are not validated there is no chance for rationalizing and modifying the reaction. Too many people get hung up on “why does that upset you? It wouldn’t upset me so it shouldn’t upset you. I don’t want to hear it. Just get over it.” They don’t want to hear it because they don’t have the capacity to understand it or empathize with it. I hate those people. I hate them for what they do to ‘us’. They are narcissistic sociopaths that have no place in any interpersonal relationship. At the risk of displaying my unchecked anger, I wish they would all die. I’m not a behavioral expert. But having lived in darkness for 30+ years I think I’ve enough experience to say that most (maybe all) of us are in this forum in part because our feelings were not validated at some in our lives. So as far as I’m concerned, you behaved correctly regarding the fork. F**k what anyone else thinks.
  9. I feel very much for you. I missed out on many things with my dad too. And I am angry... albeit for different reasons. I have nothing worthwhile to say that might help. But I share many of the same feelings, I’m sure.
  10. This is just a ramble. No responses are required - but feel free to if you like. 🙂 It’s very painful to feel tossed aside. And I’ve felt it many times by family, friends, and significant others. But it just occurred to me that my recent ex-employer also tossed me aside. It was a small company. A very tight-knit group. Lots of opportunities for growth and promotion. Until... the company was bought out. There was absolutely no consideration to many of the people that helped build the company into a profitable business. And the layers of management between myself and executives literally quadrupled. Again, with no consideration to offering me (or other key employees) a chance at promotion. So... I quit. And now I started a new job where I am once again the low man on the totem pole. At 45 years old, this situation is really causing my depression to show it’s ugly face. Don’t get me wrong. I know what I’m worth. I was at my old company for 6 years. And in the first 3 of those years I created over $500,000 in new revenue and operating reductions. To be abandoned and tossed aside like that is really difficult to handle. And starting over at 45 with no clear outlook of my future is equally difficult to swallow. I just want to say that the world can suck it! Lol and that makes me feel a little better. 🙂
  11. Because that’s what depression does to us. Depression is anger turned inward. Brace yourself... this will not be the last time you miss something important by a few days, or even a few hours. I cannot count the missed opportunities in my life. And that’s probably for the best. I have enough that I blame myself for. 😉 It sucks. My whole life is a s**t show. (I love that phrase lol) And I know we can all say the same. But somehow we keep plugging along. To me, that means that there is some kind of hope that something makes sense to us. And I think that’s a good thing. Even if we don’t know what that thing is.
  12. I get it. I am an artist too. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm 45. I remember when services like Go Fund Me and Patreon did not exist. I remember when trying to reach an audience outside a very small geographical radius was near impossible; and to do so meant spending far more than 8% in marketing with absolutely no guarantees I would recoup that. At least commission-based fees do not require a substantial up-front investment. Yeah, 3% is a lot to someone working their tails off to put food on the table and a roof over their head. But sometimes, we just need to be grateful for the things we do have. Soooo... depressing... yes. I do feel for ya. I'm not trying to say you have no reason to get upset about it. But for myself, I try to keep things like this in perspective. By all means, get upset. But then try to get past it and put your focus back on your work. https://techcrunch.com/2019/03/19/patreons-new-fees-are-surprisingly-low/
  13. I cannot stress this enough. Everything appears so distant and unattainable when we look at the bigger picture. Break things down into smaller tasks. It takes some practice... but holy crap does it make a world of difference. Small successes add up and build confidence. And before you know it, you will be minutes away from your larger goal. OK... so... don't misinterpret this but, school serves a purpose and boyfriends (and girlfriends for that matter) can be fleeting. School is important? Yes. School makes or breaks your future? Hell no. School is what YOU make of it. Period. So make it work for you... the best way you know how. Boyfriend not treating you in a manner that is conducive to your mental health? This is tough. I'm 45 years old and, likely, the last person you want to hear this from. But we tend to grasp onto things that are close to our ideal - even thought they fall short on a couple things. This cycle only ends with you. What's good enough for you? That's the question. Believe me. I'm 45 and I still "settle" for things because I feel I'm not good enough.
  14. I would like to stress that you are looking over the fence and you see that the grass is greener. But what you don't see is all the hard work it took to make that grass so green. Jumping over the fence in search for greener pastures is not the solution. If you want greener pastures you need to take care of the grass under your own feet. It takes blood sweat and tears to make a lush, green lawn. And without the proper care, anyone's lawn can dry up and die overnight if it's not taken care of. Living in the past is a funny thing. You never know when you're doing it... until tomorrow. Don't repeat the same mistakes. You're scared to ask her out. But I bet there were lots of women you were scared to ask out... and now you'd say, "I should've just asked her out." I've always been scared to death of talking to women. So I feel ya. But one thing that helped me make big strides was a simple little mantra: "I've wasted the last 10 years because I was too scared. In 10 more years, do I really want to say I wasted the last 20?" Finding your confidence is one of the hardest things for a guy to do. Take baby steps. Try different things to see what works for you. That's what I did. And I screwed up a lot too. But the great thing is, friends forgive your screw ups. Strangers... well... you never see them again anyway. :) Yeah... I don't think I have any good response to that. This disease we deal with just sucks the life force out of us. But it's like the lawn - it's an uphill battle every waking moment. Sometimes the drudgery pays off in the end and makes it all worth it.
  15. Good question. I suppose I drink. 😬 I honestly don't know what to say because I know I don't handle those times well. And those times have been more often than not with me lately. I don't handle my self-hate well. And I don't have a decent support system. But I bet you do. I doubt your hubby would be so helpful if he didn't love and support you. We make big sacrifices for the ones we truly love. I doubt your husband is any different.
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