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Babyblue_eyes

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About Babyblue_eyes

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  1. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  2. I think everyone has to face rumours being spread about them in their life, and it's never ever a fun thing to do. Especially because the first thing you want to do is scream out about how WRONG they all are and defend yourself. Yet if you even attempt to try to defend yourself you are playing along with the vicious cycle of things. I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined the things that have been and are being said about me at this time. And people buy into things so easily, especially if you already suffer from depression as I do. One persons repeated and escalated planting of seeds and doubts into people's minds cause people to become hypervigilant, to see things that aren't there or to look for anything they could possibly use to support their rumours or assumptions. From there, other people begin to do their 'bidding'. In other words, if you convince someone that something's true, other people unintentionally, without even knowing it, become further perpetrators of supporting or spreading what's being stated....raising doubt, suspicion, etc. People can go so far as to try to trick you or bait you into saying things that could be taken out of context completely! Unfortunately this is what's happened to me recently within a group of people I considered to be friends, and support. Really some of the only support that I had in my life. I don't think people realize just how damaging that type of thing is, not just to a person who is struggling to overcome a depression among many other stressful things, but for anyone! I remember the last time I felt this way- this alone....completely alone and isolated....was in highschool. I was never a bad person...I cared about everyone, often too much. Often to my own detriment. I trusted people too easily and wanted to be accepted so badly. I remember in grade 10 a guy in grade 12 hit on me at a party....we messed around and I totally thought he liked me. The next day though, I found out he had a girlfriend...also in grade 12...they knew a lot of people and were popular and I was new to the school and city. And of course as girls do...she blamed me even though I didn't know she had a boyfriend...but suddenly I was getting multiple death threats in notes in my locker, that I was a *****....I'd better watch out or I'd get my *** kicked etc...this kind of thing went on throughout most of highschool for me, even in different schools (it's a small city). I was an attractive young lady and I had guys saying they'd slept with me that I'd never even talked to before! It was horrible and so many times I went home and cried half the night by myself in my room. I didn't know how to cope with it then...so I skipped a lot of school, abused alcohol...and dated guys that said they loved me even if they were jerks, because I really really wanted someone to love me. My self-esteem took a huge beating...and things at home were no good either. I started having severe panic attacks one day out of nowhere....at least I thought it was out of nowhere! But looking back, I can see so clearly now the significant trauma that led to that anxiety. You know what- I'm proud of me. Maybe for the first time in a long time. I'm proud that I had the strength and determination to rise above all of that, and to be able to go on to acheive some significant success in the face of every obstacle that stood in my way. I have to say though, there were a couple select people who were very special people, that probably helped save my life simply by believing in me, and seeing me for the good person I was. Don't ever underestimate the power that has to help someone and to change someone's life. One guy in particular, I will never ever forget....or be able to ever express to him...just how much he impacted me in this way. He saw me for me...and visa-versa...and I love him for that. I could maybe believe then that what he saw was actually real, that I did have worth, and value, and strength, and was so much more then how I looked, the mistakes I made, or what others wanted to tell me I was. I often think of him when I'm scared or feeling alone or whatever....to try to recapture the feeling of being safe, and that everything is going to be okay. This person from years and years ago continues to encourage me, if only in my mind now..... Anyways....I find myself again in a spot of feeling alone and ostracized. However.....I have re-created my life before and will do it again, and again, and again if necessary. Even if it means leaving everyone behind. I'm not perfect by any means, I've made so many mistakes this is true....but I'm still a good person and I'm going to hold onto that no matter what anyone says.
  3. Funny how people think it's okay to just walk away from someone they supposedly love because they can't handle their illness. That's just as cruel as a partner having cancer and telling them, when you recover, maybe I'll come back. It's dispicable. This is a real illness and people need support more then anything else in order to get better. I've had people walk away from me due to my illness and frankly if they think they can re-try to be-friend me when I'm better then I'd tell them where to go!!!! People that care DONT do that, especially when you're trying your hardest!!!!
  4. You sound very very anxious about everything, that is a terrible feeling to have, I know. Try to find a way to calm down for the time being....take a nice hot shower or bath, eat something, try to take deep slow breaths and relax. Maybe go to sleep or try to...and when you wake up tomorrow, print out this post you made and bring it with you. It happens to describe exactly how you're feeling very well! From there hopefully they'll be able to help
  5. I'm not sure my depression is entirely situational, although it definitely contributes! I do best being in a loving/romantic relationship. Unfortunately it's been a while partly due to my own 'running away' when opportunities did arise a while back and partly because I've figured nobody would really want that with me anyways until I was completely 100% better so I've maintained it's something I don't want....when in actuality it is- I just figure it wouldn't happen so it's as though I've removed the option from my life myself just assuming it wasn't possible. That said, I'm also not naive enough any longer to believe it would fix everything. I know I have to continue working on things for myself. But somehow it seems to provide a lot more motivation and also helps with that feeling of having to go through everything alone...not just bad things, but everything. Having more/better friends would be good. People I could actually trust to talk to, hang out with, etc. Yeah a hug would be great too. But Im not even sure this would really make a significant difference with the depression.
  6. LucyVp said it right! I used to be verrrrrry leary about any kind of medication and the whole field of psychiatry in general. That was until I had severe onset of panic attacks diagnosed as panic disorder that immediately went away completely with a low dose antidepressant. Even with that success, my thoughts were always I don't want to be on this, I have to get off this at the soonest point possible that I can, etc etc. Over time my thinking has changed. I know that meds, the RIGHT ones anyways, do not alter who you are. They don't change your personality or make you numb or make you walk around with a smile plastered on your face ...lol. They simply raise the amount of chemicals in your brain that work to lift your mood. Depression whether it starts off caused by a chemical imbalance, or by life circumstances alone, no matter what the cause is, depression leads to real changes, physiological changes in the brain where brain activity slows and some areas literally shut down (this is proven science by looking at brain scans of depressed versus non-depressed patients). What meds do, ADs in specific, is work to raise the chemicals that lead to raising your mood enough that you are able to think more clearly and function on a high enough level to really benefit from counselling or therapy and it helps to activate the parts of the brain that are slowed or shut down in depression. This is why people have trouble remembering things or concentrating or making decisions while very depressed....antidepressants help to raise your mood enough that you can start to do other things to help with your depression (being more social, therapy, etc) and both those combined work to return brain activity to normal. When it's working, you are the exact same person, you notice you can actually think so much clearer (as your brain is more working much better!), everything becomes brighter so you're not feeling like...stuck in the pit of despair you cant get out of. You will still have the same worries, problems in your life, you will still think the same way, although as you begin to feel better you may notice way more optimism etc.....where the therapy comes in is to help address the external factors like distortions in your thinking or low self esteem or to help process the pain of a loss or trauma etc. Depression is best treated using both medication and therapy combined. Sadly it's just trial and error to find what will work for you. That's the part that's hard, especially if you're like me and already have a hard time trusting doctors/meds/psychiatrists etc. But because I have seen treatment work before, in myself many years ago, I know it can again. And I eventually came to the point where I had to decide I had nothing to lose. What would the harm be? If I tried a medication and it didn't work or made me feel bad, I can stop taking it. Simple as that. So what did I have to lose? It's about my quality of life...I don't want this d*** depression anymore. So if I find a pill that helps to lift me out of that and the worst thing Ive got to do is take a tiny pill everyday to feel good and function, then I think it's definitely worth it. best to you
  7. Depression can and often is a recurring disorder. Each episode you have increases the chances you will have another, to the point that those with 3 or more episodes have a near 90% rate of being at risk for another. Sometimes these episodes can seem or tend to get worse over time (as has been the case with myself). Medication can definitely help, but you have the highest chance for success at recovery by utilizing a number of different treatment methods. The two main ones are medication and also talk therapy (and there are literally over 100 different approaches to therapy). Then there are other things to look at- lifestyle. diet, support system, medical conditions, etc. I know how debilitating depression can become and you are doing the right thing to seek help rather then to try going on further managing this on your own. One can only do so for so long, especially when you note it's not seeming to work. I would definitely say it's time to talk to your GP and ask to be referred to a psychiatrist and/or psychologist. These are the experts in treating mental illness (in the US and Canada for sure anyways). I know it may seem a scary step to take, but by the time I asked I was sooo ill I was pretty much knocking down their doors trying to get in! It doesn't have to get that bad, is what I'm trying to say. Taking that next step and seeking additional help is a sign of strength and courage, and can help you immensely. Don't even worry so much about who you might see, how it will go, if it will work etc. Just taking the first step to get your foot in the door somewhere is the first place to start. Think of it like an annoying knee problem, for example. Your GP treats it with some painkillers and it seems to be ok but just keeps flaring up...and soon it's to the point it's getting hard to walk....eventually you'd want to move on from the GP and try to find an expert in that area that can help identify the underlying issues and therefore prescribe the most effective treatment. So you are right on target with what you are thinking in regards to this depression (seems to be lasting longer, not relenting even with meds etc), and I hope this has given you some positive encouragement to go ahead and take that next step to seeking additional help. You may be very glad you did! Don't wait and let it get to the point where you can't work at all, as it's much harder to recover that way. Oh, one thing one of the best psychiatrists I've known told me was this - studies have shown that the best predictor of good outcomes is NOT the type or style of therapy or even necessarily liking your therapist a whole lot (although id hope youd find someone you would)...the best results in therapy come from people that genuinely believe that the therapist knows what he's talking about, believe in their approach to treatment, and feel that they are there for them (feeling that they're actively and genuinely invested in trying to help you succeed). So really, you may read things about CBT therapy, DBT therapy, narrative or more talk-therapy, treatment with naturopaths etc...there are so many....don't worry so much about these. You can ask for a referral from your GP or utilize any work resources if your insurance covers mental health treatments or counselling, and so long as you find someone you feel comfortable with and respect...having that rapport is one of the most important things towards getting well. And if you don't seem to click with the first person you are referred to, do not give up! This is actually very common and doesn't mean counselling will not work, rather there are good and bad therapists out there, just as there are better or worse doctors, hairdressers, mechanics, etc. And sometimes there may just be a feeling that you don't seem to click or you're not getting much out of being there. Don't give up, simply ask to seek someone else. At times it can take a few tries before finding someone you really work well with. Good luck!!
  8. For me, Ive always been a very vivid dreamer my entire life. This has changed a lot during my depression and I barely ever dream at all anymore. I also suffer with terrible insomnia, both trouble getting and staying asleep. I recently switched to a new antidepressant and suddenly I've been having extremely vivid and sometimes odd, even disturbing dreams. My psychiatrist believes this to be a relatively good sign as opposed to bad. At least in my case, he explained that I don't necessarily have to attribute the dreams to the ADs as a bad side effect, but that I may actually be getting a lot more deep REM sleep, something I've not been having much of for months and months and that the increase in dreaming may be a more positive indication that the AD is going to work well for me. It's an interesting thing to hear, not sure if I'm buying it yet, but he did say so long as you can kind of manage and deal with the dreams and they don't impact your day too much then it's no cause for alarm. Personally, it helps me to try to find the humour in it, even if it wasn't funny, but to try to find some aspect such as being at work in my living room lol...it helps to just kinda laugh it off as a silly dream. Best to you
  9. Peacock said something about being 'taken down a notch' I have to say that I once had everything I *thought* I ever wanted - a great career, house, cars, money......and I took it all for granted. I regularly put myself before anyone else. I rarely took the time to think about who I was or what I was doing (deep introspection). I hurt a lot of people- not purposely, but due to being so wrapped up in my own world.... in terms of men and dating, I was a lot less careful with people's hearts, was selfish, and regret many things I did...so ya....i guess you could say I was running amok without concern for anyone but myself. Today I know what it is to be humbled. After having lost everything, absolutely everything. And having to start over from scratch. To have humility. To not take things or people for granted. Thanks for sharing that Peacock
  10. Okay so, I've always been the type to look on the brighter side (ya maybe not so much with the severe depression lol), but I started thinking about the whys? Why do I have to go through this, along with everything else I've had to deal with?:sad: And then realizing I may not have that answer now....I starting to wonder if there's anything positive about having it? Or anything I've learned? I believe that if you put meaning to suffering it becomes that much easier to cope. Such as when you see a tv program about a parent who lost their child to an abductor. And of course they've suffered, and probably asked all those why questions. But then you see they now use their time to help others in the same situation- they teach awareness classes about child safety, they're lobbying for change at the goverment level in terms of harsher sentences for those who commit such crimes etc. They have attached some meaning to their suffering....and in doing so have been able to move on with their lives. Now even though I am still struggling with my worst depression episode yet, I still think there MUST be some good or something it's taught me. Some things I can think of: I now value friendship, true genuine friendship. As many so-called friends disappeared when they didn't know how to deal with me having the illness. I learned who really cared about me. And going forward, the friends I make in the future I will cherish and not ever take for granted. And should a friend of mine become mentally ill, disabled, physically ill, terminally ill, or whatever....doesn't even matter...I would certainly be there for them in whatever capacity they need from me. I know what it is to feel frightened and alone- not very fun. I learned that I was one of the people who unknowingly was prejudiced and believed a lot of the myths surrounding mental illness before I became depressed.:ohmy: My mom was very ill growing up, in hosp for depression most of my life and I really didn't understand how 'being sad' could be an illness. I was ignorant, and by no fault of my own, but nobody took the time to educate me. Today I will educate people when I hear them talking about depression or any other mental illness in an ignorant way. Rather then shying away from it, nodding and keeping my mouth closed I will tell them why they're wrong and they can then choose to look into it further or not. The only way stigma will end is if people start to educate others. I've learned how to clean my house really really fast in the realization that, oh crap, someone's coming over and they're not gonna see it like this! LOL :blush: When I have a good day, I take NOTHING for granted. The ability to get up, shower, go outside, exercise, be around people, function in general....I enjoy these everyday things that were once so mundane because once you've had it all taken away, the ability to function at a basic level or the ability to feel pleasure in anything....when you do again it means just that much more.:Coopbeach: I think I've become more empathetic towards people in general....less likely to snap at someone at the checkout cause they're taking too long and Im in a rush....I almost see people differently, thinking wow who knows how many of them are struggling like hell in their own lives......it's just made me a lot, kinder, I think. Or if I see someone angry and yelling over something stupid.....I don't assume they're just complete jerks but rather think god, wonder how happy he is in his life...he could be miserable too. Who knows. I think it's made me less selfish and less likely to make assumptions in that way. I've learned I have a strength I never knew, even though there have been times I've thought I just can't do it for one more minute...I press on. The sheer determination and courage it takes to deal with this illness, often with little support, often feeling weak, worthless, and unable to go on, shows just how strong we really are, every one.:biggrin: I've learned to go outside without makeup on. :ohmy: O.M.G. I would never ever do that before! But being severely depressed I just didn't give a s***....and hey I survived! I just realized that I'm not totally ugly without makeup and when I get to feeling better I don't have to stress over making up my face for 20 min just to run to the store for milk! Please share your own!!! Id like to hear from others
  11. Just wanted to make a correction to the post by itsjustmoi regarding the medications she stated "citalopram/cipralex were the same as celexa/lexapro but that escitalopram is okay." Just to note: The drug Celexa is the brand name of the drug citalopram The drugs Lexapro/Cipralex are simply two brand names of the drug escitalopram. They are not the same drugs. Escitalopram is said to be a newer version of citalopram with less side effects, but it's also more potent in that 20mg of citalopram = 10mg of escitalopram And as to whether or not they are safe in preg, always check with a doctor.
  12. I agree with the moderator in regards to SSRI's. Just b/c they are the same class does not mean they all act the same!! I've had a very bad experience with an SSRI where my anxiety went sky high and I was having suicidal thoughts etc. With a very similar AD I did very well, with NO anxiety at ALL - it was like a miracle! I've heard this from many people as well with regards to SSRI meds with one working very well even if another didn't..... if anxiety is what you deal with, they are the best drugs for long-term treatment. Also- the whole start up anxiety? I never had any of that. So just because it's listed as a possibility doesn't mean it will happen. Just saying- ruling out an entire class of meds may actually prolong your suffering needlessly. Something to think about.
  13. Right now I had been feeling a little better lately so I know it's just a passing thing.... I have always told people that during the worst of my depression the one thing that's always kept me going is the love for my daughter....so..she's at a very difficult age atm...and has no idea how bad it feels to think I'm just going to keep going for her, then to have her turn around and scream at you about how much she hates you and can't wait to get away from you.... Okay im done now. Kids....ughhhh!
  14. Instead of just cutting off contact to see if he will miss you, why don't you just ask him what you have here? Or tell him how you're feeling? Being direct is probably the best idea....maybe he has no idea you're feeling that way and wouldn't understand why you'd all of a sudden disappear? What could it hurt to tell him how you're feeling directly and honestly? People can't read minds. If he's depressed perhaps he is so self-absorbed in how awful he's been feeling he hasn't realized this is how you feel? Do you want more of a relationship with him, to date again, or a stronger friendship? Perhaps he doesn't know that either! At least then you'd be giving him a chance to respond....
  15. I cut off pretty much everyone when I am depressed....family, friends, people I really care for and usually want around. It's a very strange illness in that the symptoms it causes serves to do nothing but make the condition worsen. It's an overwhelming feeling of wanting to isolate.....yet doing so is so bad for depression and makes it worse as you're just totally alone. There could be many reasons people do this. One being just wanting to be alone. One being that they find it just too hard to do anything, pick up the phone, answer msgs, emails, open the door....can be overwhelming to the point where you just dont have the will or energy to be able to do it. Could be the irrational thoughts that sometimes coincide with depression where you start to believe that you're just a burden on everyone and that nobody actually likes you or cares...kind of like paranoia....that those closest to you really arent.....and you worry deep down they actually hate you or make fun of you or couldnt give a crap at all so you just avoid everyone...usually it's b/c that's how low you believe of yourself (feeling unworthy of anyone caring, loving you, feeling like a burden to others, not worth their time, not a good person/parent/friend, not even worth living- at the worst of times). The thing is though, you really do get to find out who your 'true' friends are during a time like that. Generally speaking when you are feeling well again, you will be able to objectively see who took the time to enquire as to where you were and/or how you were doing, or if you needed anything.
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