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Everything posted by Steveab63

  1. Angel... Used to. Eventually determined that its just how depression works. Some days good, some days bad. Not necessarily related to anything else. Sometimes yes, but if it's not apparent, don't obsess about the reason, that just makes it worse. Over-analyzing the self is a pretty standard characteristic of us depressives. Steve
  2. Angel.. Hang in there, all of these meds take up to a month to stabilize in your system. Side effects come and go during this period. Its frustrating, but give it time. If things don't settle down after a month, talk to your Dr. Steve.
  3. Scott, I'm sorry the Dr. you chose was a dud. I agree that you have to look for another. Based on his performance, I would not necessarily focus on getting the Risperdal, let the new doc figure out what is needed. If the new doc starts a sales pitch, bail and tell him to forget it, then find someone else. I used to take Risperdal and I don't recall it doing much for me, but everyone's different so your results may vary. I think it was supposed to make me think more clearly... My wife has an explosive volatile anger that can be triggered by the most stupid things. Things that most people would take in stride. Its pretty scary and upsetting to me, so I am concerned about your children. We never had kids because I could not imagine exposing a child to that kind of behavior. (Probably the reason she wants to divorce me). Anyway, take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids, then try to find help for her. I understand how difficult this is. I have had depression for years, and I've been married to a person with anger management issues for years. Its not easy. Take care, Steve.
  4. Hi, Only you know if it was a big deal or not. If you think it wasn't, it wasn't. I'd say two 15 year olds experimenting a little bit is pretty normal stuff. And if it was consensual, and you both were under age, is not a big deal. I think the stuff you've been reading about is relating to people who were abused by someone, probably older then themselves, and it wasn't consensual. That would obviously be more of an issue. I don't think you have to worry about it or tell your girlfriend. What happened 5 years ago is not cheating on her now. Forget about it and focus on the present. You did't do anything unforgivable; relax. Good luck! Steve.
  5. Jordan has the answer: stop thinking so much. My problem too. Some more things to try, if you haven't: progressive muscle relaxation and strenuous exercise. Severe anxiety is the feeling you should have if you're being chased by a tiger. If you can run around the block, you'll be doing what your brain thinks it should be doing. The PMR did wonders for me. Steve.
  6. What you describe can certainly be anxiety attacks. However, in my experience, anxiety attacks are usually accompanied by stress, depression, or some kind of fear, like public speaking. There is usually some kind of inner dialog going on. If none of this applies, maybe its something like an inner ear infection, vertigo, or low blood pressure. You probably should go see another doctor and get checked out. Steve.
  7. Sadtimes, Absolutely 'Yay You'. It is unfortunate that your mom doesn't support you in any way, but at least you are not blaming yourself, as you shouldn't. Make your life the way you want it to be, and leave negative, hurtful people by the wayside. There are genuinely good people in the world. Go out and find some to enjoy your life with. Maybe you can look into grants and student loans for next semester. Where there's a will, there's a way. Best wishes. Steve.
  8. DP I''m on both, have been for years. You need to take the Prozac in the morning because it can keep you awake at night if you take it later in the day. I don't really have any side effects with the mixture. Steve.
  9. ConfusedDuck First problem, you need to stop calling yourself ugly. There was a time in my late teens and early 20's that I had myself convinced that I was horribly ugly. There is a condition called Body Dismorphic Disorder that could apply here. Looking back, that was dumb of me. A couple of girls even said I was gorgeous. I was too messed up in the head to believe it. As mentioned, self esteem is the biggest issue you need to deal with. My wife keeps complaining about her nose and wants it changed. I don't get it....looks fine to me. You should see a counselor to find out if you just need help with self esteem. Maybe you can also get some objective opinions on what you perceive as a flaw in your appearance. You most likely are blowing it way out of proportion if it exists at all. Just think of Michael Jackson; he was a good looking guy who had his looks destroyed because of some imagined flaw. Steve
  10. SLG, Well, for starters, Cancer Sucks!. I lost my mother and sister to it. And a death in the family will mess you up no matter what. If there are things you haven't dealt with regarding that, having issues 4 years later is certainly possible. Things not dealt with will follow you around for much longer than that. It sounds to me like your brother just tried to disappear to deal with your mom's situation, so that may be why he did what he did. Everyone deals with things differently, especially guys who are trained not to be emotional or cry. Have you talked to him about that? Not sure why the boyfriend started getting abusive, maybe he thought you weren't paying enough attention to him. That just shows that he was selfish and didn't care what you were going through; and the last thing a sensitive person needs is an abusive partner. As far as ruminating about why your life is like this, what you did to deserve it, etc, etc, ...welcome to our club. It seems that all of us with depression are constantly analyzing ourselves and our interactions with others. You just have to learn to not turn it all inward in a negative self destructive manner. Give yourself some time to grieve if you haven't gone through that process. Take it easy and enjoy being with people. Its natural not to want to get hurt again, but your young and there will be plenty of other guys. You just have to find the right one. And I'm sorry, life doesn't come with instructions. I wish it did! Good luck. Steve
  11. Bluetrue, Many people fall into this trap. They feel better so they stop taking the meds. Since it can take a month to get stabilized when starting, and a month to start feeling crummy again after stopping, people think they're doing ok without the meds...for a while. Then the world crashes down on them again. You may just have to go through the process of trying different meds until you find a combination that works for you with the least amount of side effects. I"m on Wellbutrin with a little Prozac thrown in and I don't have any side effects. I may have when I first started....I forget I've been on it so long. The point is it takes a while to get it all figured out. Don't give up if the first or second medication you try doesn't work out. And remember it takes a while for the chemicals to build up and decay in your system, so it takes a while to do. Be patient and good luck. P.S. Look into progressive muscle relaxation for the anxiety attacks. It helped me a lot. Steve.
  12. Fender, In my experience SSRI's cause delayed climax. In fact some are used for this purpose. However, one of the main causes of being premature is anxiety. If you are overly stressed or excited things can happen quickly. Another possibility, which I hesitate to mention, is that if you are having relationship problems, and there are resentments abound, your body may just want to get it over with so you can get away from this person. That was my problem. Hope that's not the case. Steve.
  13. I agree with the other posters. There is a good book related to this, but I can't remember which I'm thinking of...I'm Ok Your Ok Maybe? You can challenge another person's opinion as long as you word it such that you are challenging the subject and not the person. As mentioned, your goal cannot be to change their mind, they may just like to argue more than think about what you are saying and totally miss the point. You also have to reserve the right to "agree to disagree". You have to be very careful not to get loud, rude, or argumentative, that will just escalate into an argument, and then the brain shuts off and anger takes over. By the way, if you want to have a discussion about science vs: religion, may I suggest banging your head against a wall instead? That discussion is a lesson in futility. Notice I'm not saying which side I'm on... Happy Debating. Steve.
  14. Laurie, It is good that you are taking all of this in stride, but it sounds like you really have had a rough six months. Family issues, operations, trying to care for everyone but yourself, (sounds familiar) are a lot to bear alone. Give yourself credit for all you do, even if no one else does. I agree with BetterOff that you might have a discussion with your sister about helping out in some way. I'm probably the last person qualified to give advice on relationships, but if you are pressuring a guy for whatever, he is likely to start running, and chasing him can make him run faster. Maybe you should just enjoy being with each other (if you do), and take it easy to see what develops. Don't beat yourself up about anything, you are already doing more than most people would do to help your family. Don't forget to take care of yourself. If you want to visit friends or get a change of scenery, tell everyone "I'm not available this weekend", then do what you want. Best wishes, Steve.
  15. Well, I can certainly relate. I don't know what your situation is that you "cannot change" but it sounds like me in my 20's after my father died and I had to take care of my mother. I spent ten years of my life, when I should have been learning how to have my own life, taking care of my mom, who had psychiatric problems for most of her life. I sort of replaced my father for those years, driving her to doctor appointments, getting groceries, keeping her company, etc. I made the best of it by hanging around with friends, partying, and fixing cars in my backyard with friends, but it was a sort of ball and chain to have to be responsible for my mom. In any case you can feel free to elaborate here, or PM me if you want. This is a safe place to communicate, and there are a lot of great people here that will understand. Steve.
  16. Hi everyone, I just wanted to mention that since the days are getting shorter, and there is less sunlight, you may be feeling more depressed. If you are not familiar with this, look up Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD for short. I actually moved from New England to Florida because I couldn't handle 6 months of gray skies up there. I have noticed in the past 2 weeks that I have been feeling more depressed, and I attribute it to the amount of daylight. If you've been feeling like hibernating until spring, you may get some relief by getting a broad spectrum light and staying near it for a while each day. There are also "light boxes" that you can purchase for this purpose. So, don't assume that you're suddenly slipping into a deeper depression for no apparent reason, it may just be the amount of light you get each day. Don't despair, Spring is coming! Steve.
  17. Waiting...., Yeah, I've always wanted to connect with someone on a deep emotional level myself. If everyone wants love and affection, I don't understand why it is so difficult to accomplish. One of the great mysteries of life I guess. Then again, some people are just shallow; you just have to steer away from them. You should not be afraid to see a doctor and maybe go on medication. I've been on meds for ages; its no big deal. If its what I have to do, its what I have to do. It probably will help. Just realize it takes a bit of time for the chemicals to build up in your system, so it won't work overnight. Don't get discouraged though, it kind of sneaks up on you. One day you'll say to yourself, "Hey, I feel pretty good today". You can always talk to any of us here, we've all 'been there'. Steve
  18. Sadtimes, I wish I could do something to help. Like most people here, I know how much depression hurts. Maybe you can get out more and at least be with people. (Hopefully you don't live in a small town like I used to; that limits the possibilities). How about some comedy clips online? Or take a class... I have to keep myself occupied or my mind finds ways to sabotage itself /me. Have you considered light therapy? As the days get shorter, my depression gets worse. Look up Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). That could be a factor as well. Best wishes, Steve.
  19. I have a theory: I think that some people, maybe the
  20. My two Cents: I don't think its fair that you have to quit a job you like because of this guy. Tell him to leave you alone or you'll call the cops on him. If he doesn't, call the police. Steve.
  21. So forgive yourself for falling off the wagon, and continue trying to quit doing drugs. It does seem like it would be helpful to get out of the surroundings you are in though. I have a friend that was an alcoholic and his family owned a bar. Bad combination. Luckily the bar closed down. Now he has a better chance of getting sober. You can do it. Steve.
  22. It sounds like you have the correct attitude and the others around you are misguided. They are either stuck with the old stigma of seeing a therapist means your crazy, (which is wrong by the way), or they are not as in touch with their emotions as all of us here are. It also sounds like it is possible that their lack of emotional support could have caused some of your problems in the first place. In any case, keep talking to your therapist, and maybe you can find some other people, self help groups, or friends that can understand the type of things we deal with here on this forum. Talking to your friend about your life and talking to your therapist are no different than one another. Don't let anyone tell you having a therapist is in any way something to be ashamed of. You're doing the right thing for yourself. Keep it up & good luck! Steve.
  23. Unresolved issues follow you around for life. You can practice denial, and get pretty good at forgetting your past, (I've tried it) but it eventually slaps you in the face and it's back again. That may be why some depression comes and goes, depending on how buried or near the surface the issues are at any given time. I know you'd probably prefer a couple of root canals without Novacaine, but the dredging up of the past is a necessary evil. I tried to hide my grief after my father died: "Big boys don't cry".... I was an ***** believing that nonsense. A year later I cried my eyes out for quite a while, and felt the best I'd felt for a long time. I went through a lot of therapy regarding my mother's mental illness during my childhood. Lot of "Aha" "That's why......" happened there. Likewise, you need to work through issues, whatever they are. I know it hurts, but you have plenty of people who understand here, and we don't mind if you cry on our shoulders. Keep in touch and best wishes. Steve
  24. Thank you for the responses. I'm not used to anyone caring or acknowledging how I feel. Steve.
  25. HI, I've been reading this forum for a month or two, and finally decided to write. Where to start... I was born in the early 60's and my mother has had major depressive episodes all of my life. Apparently she had post partum depression and my sister, 10 yrs older, did a lot to take care of me as an infant. When I was 6 she was put in a mental hospital for a month; I had no idea what was going on. She was in mental hospitals on and off until she died of cancer in 1995. My dad worked full time until he died in 1983. A few years before then, in my high school years, his drinking problem got really bad. He used to lecture me for hours while we were watching TV at night, in a drunken stupor. I'm not sure what he said, but the message I got was I'm not doing things right, I'm hanging around with the wrong crowd, and I'll never amount to anything. I quit school in 11th grade because I had social anxiety, an ulcer, acute shyness, horrible acne, was terrified of girls, and had a splash of sexual orientation confusion to boot. I had crushes on some girls in my teens and 20's, but was afraid to talk to any of them; not being able to imagine why anyone would want me. Finally at the age of 28, a girl 'chose me'. I've been with her ever since, and have recently come to the conclusion that she has BPD. At first she was infatuated with me, to an uncomfortable degree sometimes. Then came the manipulation, controlling, humiliation in public, her paranoia in public, the tantrums etc. At present, we're married for 8 years. We were together before getting married for 12 years +/-. As time progressed our love life fizzled; its difficult to get your body to cooperate with someone who treats you like ****, if you get my drift. In June she said out of the blue that she wants a divorce. I was shocked. Her divorce me? I'm the one that should be trying to get away from her craziness. I was devastated nonetheless. I went out of town for a couple of days for work, meanwhile she drove 250 miles to move in with some guy she met on internet gaming. When I got home from the work thing, she was gone. A day later, she calls me up crying hysterically saying she's coming back, the whole moving in thing fell apart. So now, she's in the master bedroom, I'm in the spare room, and we're basically roommates. She's "using" me (or so it feels) until she finishes her BA degree at the end of the year. I help her with homework and am nice to her, and lately she's nice to me...sort of. She doesn't do much around the house, I cook all the meals, after working 12 hours outdoors in S. Florida while she works 8 in an office. She won't stop at the store for groceries, I have to do that too. I walk the dogs, she plays video games, and I don't know what is going to happen when she gets her degree. I don't want to lose my house that I've rebuilt from a basket case, and everything else I've worked for-for 8 years. I don't know if I can afford to pay for everything without her income, or if she plans to 'take me to the cleaners'. She's handled all of the finances, and I recently checked on our situation and was horrified to see how much debt we have. She's finally seeing a counselor, but I don't know for what; to work on the marriage or plan an exit strategy. I've been on antidepressants since my father died ages ago, and I have had years of therapy. I also have a good job that I've had for 16 years, and I'm the head technician and do things no one else knows how to do; (at least I have something rewarding in life). She has killed any amount of self esteem I had, which I had to fight and work hard for after my father's emotional abuse and my mother's emotional unavailability. My immediate family is all dead, all of the friends I grew up with are 1000 miles away, and the people from work are the only other acquaintances I have. So, I have no support system, no love, sex, affection, or anyone to talk to about stuff this deep, and I have to struggle to care about anything and keep the anxiety from taking over. I don't know if I'll be losing everything and living under a bridge in 6 months, and I can't even contact anyone on an internet dating site because I'm still married. Oh, and did I mention she gave me herpes when we first met? I go from functional to suicidal and back despite the Wellbutrin. I had to cut way back on the Prozac and caffeine because I was having anxiety attacks. I don't sleep right, and I see no way out of this mess. Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I don't even know why I'm writing all of this, but I'm so lonely I can't stand it. I'm an OK looking guy; I'm in pretty good shape for my age, and I'm the nicest person you'd ever want to meet, but the idea of starting over at this point sounds impossible, especially considering my inferiority complex. I can't even make friends, much less female ones, and I'm kind of a geek, so there's probably not that much that I can talk about that women would be interested in, except for psychology. So, are there any nice people out there? I went from a dysfunctional family to a dysfunctional relationship, so I don't know what normal is. Hopefully this isn't it. ....What about caring loving women that know how to give instead of take, take, take. I'm a good person, why is my life just a series of nightmares? Death, tragedy, abuse....All I want is someone to love who loves me back. Is that too much to hope for? Sorry for the length of this diatribe. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Steve.
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