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Steveab63

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Everything posted by Steveab63

  1. Huh? Ive been on benzos on and off. Its not heroin to me... Some people have addictive personality and can get addicted to anything. One mess at a time. If it works, dont sweat it.
  2. K, so i had to look up chiptune. Never heard of it though i have played with tones in DOS and programmed an Arduino doorbell to play a few notes before. It was a lot of work, but interesting. Yes DOS, im that old. So anyway you should keep studying programming, maybe take a C++ course, look into recording studio work. I wanted to do that once...all of that is digital editing these days, you could be making music videos, tracks for video games, all kinds of stuff. Geeze give yourself some credit, i wish i knew how to do that stuff. Learn all you can about it. I spent hours the other day reading about a guy that got the raw tracks for a Zeppelin song, and he remixed it and it sounds better than the official release. You can learn tons online. Just dont forget to go out and socialize. Soon you'll be the next Ted Templeman.
  3. Yeah, got to pay the bills. But if youre studying something you really hate, and none of it translates to other jobs, you should probably consider changing majors. Unless your family likes wasting money.
  4. Life is a ridiculously difficult pain in the ass. But what else is there to do? It hurts to care about someone who doesnt care back. So the girl you liked didnt work out. You're not alone in that department. Try again. Youre also not alone with depression. Look at all of the people here for evidence of that. People here take you seriously, and care about how you feel, because we've been there and know how awful it feels...a feeling we wouldnt wish on our worst enemies. All you can do is keep trying. I get your concern that letting people know you have depression type problems makes you afraid that people will think less of you, but you have to trust someone...and lots of families deal with this stuff, they just dont advertise it. I get that you dont necessarily want to confide in someone you used to have romantic feelings for, but it might help, or maybe you can find someone else like that. The main issue is that your self worth is less than zero. I get that because ive dealt with that myself, though i think youve got me beat. Give yourself a break, love yourself, and stop saying everyone hates you. They dont. Youre writing skills are good, so you're obviously not stupid, so you probably have lots of untapped potential. My parents never encouraged anything with me either. And my father said i'd never amount to anything. Boy that was helpful... I pursued my hobbies...all of them. Now im a MacGyver type that fixes industrial equipment and i have a house and a wife. Nothing is perfect, but i think I've figuratively flipped my father off. ( he died ages ago). Anyway... So what are your ' niche hobbies'?
  5. The definitive statements, along with always and never are pretty familiar terms around here, but our minds, moods, and feelings are constantly changing 'living' things. Give yourself a break already. Go out and talk to people, and talk to people here. Some people will respond, some won't. Keep trying and the odds improve. If someone is rude to you it doesnt mean your entire exisence is a waste of time, maybe theyre just a jerk, or their dog just died. Not everything is about you, when dealing with others. Isolation isnt likely to help, and just understand that some days will be worse than others. If youre stuck living with family that doesnt understand or care about your problems, that definitely sucks, but just deal with it for now and work on feeling better. Find something youre interested in and study it. You can eventually work that into a rewarding job. Like everything else, keep at it and results will come.
  6. People are probably busy with their own stuff, as opposed to not liking you. People at parties often gather in little groups, and you have to figure out how to merge into them. A skill i certainly dont have, but maybe others here can help with that. I think jumping to the conclusion that everyone hates you is going a bit far. Dont be so hard on yourself...
  7. Yeah, my dad said that when i told him what i just said here. That was 40 years ago. Guess itsjust me. At least palm trees dont lose all of their fronds in fall. Thanks.
  8. When i started seeing a psychiatrist, he said he wouldnt treat me if i was going to keep drinking. Thats what got me to stop. Mixing antidepressants and alcohol causes chaos, and one cancels out the other anyway. Years later i realized, that if i had a couple if beers, i felt good for a few hours, but my mood crashed for a few days...sometimes more. I determined it wasnt worth it to drink. The price was too high later. Maybe you will come to the same conclusion some day.
  9. These shorter days are really kicking my butt. Even though i live in the south, i can still picture all the trees that look dead- with no leaves, and the cold gray skies of my childhood up north this time of year. Just feels like death.
  10. Were you abused as a child? It sounds like you may choose relationships that mimic that dynamic. Reason i say this is thats what ive done. I went out with a nice girl and i thoroughly screwed it up because she was kind to me and it felt too weird. Then i ended up with someone who treats me like crap, and that im used to. Dumb...i know... Id investigate that with your therapist so you dont do what i did.
  11. I recently heard that the way you perceive yourself in your early years sticks with you for life. If true, thats a horrifying thought. Also explains a lot about me and why im a mess. Mirrors what you said too.
  12. I always feel alone. Even wirh people around...which isnt that often. And im married...how pathetic is that? Ive always felt like an outcast. So is it real, or my viewpoint?
  13. I think there's a couple of things going on here: one is that people are busy with their own lives, and though they say they're there for you, they really dont have the time. The other is that if they know about your depression, they may not know what to say, how to help, or are uncomfortable with the subject, so they avoid it. Things we discuss around here are pretty rarely discussed "out in the open" in my experience. I suspect you'd have better luck finding someone here to talk to, than neighbors etc you know...unless you're really lucky, and come across someone who is knowledgeable on the subject, such as someone with a family member that has/had mental health issues. So, keep looking, but dont be discouraged if it takes time to find someone to confide in that understands. Some of us go to therapists that dont work out, and we have to try agin with that too. Like all relationships, some work out, some don't. Just keep trying.
  14. Just keep trying. One day at a time as they say. We all know how hard it is to keep up the act like everything is fine, when you are a mess inside. Try to get support where you can, and remember using feels good for a while, but makes you feel worse long term. Maybe that will help you abstain longer.
  15. I know how you feel. I dont fit in a neat conventional category either, and it really sucks. Im sorry people feel the need to judge and criticise something that is none of their business, nor that affects them in the slightest. Ive never understood that. Just know not everyone is like that. I wish i had a something more helpful to say.
  16. So disclaimer first, im a geeky science type guy. So i would investigate the spectrum of frequencies the light boxes provide, versus the ones that the sun provides post atmosphere filtering. Then i would check into full spectrum fluorescent bulbs, such as those used for growing lights in a plant nursery. Im thinking you may be able to find a 4 foot bulb or two for 20 bucks that will work in a fixture you already have, or a cheezy shop light you can get at home depot for cheap. 400 bucks screams scam to me. I'd definitely put on my geek hat before doling out that much cash. Id also be very careful about sunlamps and UV bulbs. Skin cancer and eye damage you dont need. My 2 cents...
  17. Yeah, its an epidemic. Im married and im not sure what love is either. All i ever wanted was to care about someone and have them care back. I guess thats too much to ask. But dont give up, im just stupid and do dumb things when i know better...and out of fear. Nevermind....
  18. Steveab63

    Help

    Hey Treq, Dont be afraid to be yourself. Im sure your parents mean well, but if you dont fit in their mold, dont sweat it. I'm as weird as they come, and ive learned to embrace it. Ive had a pretty miserable adolescence, with horrible acne, afraid of girls, social anxiety, pretty screwed up family....and now ive had a lucrative career for 20+ years, im married, and doing fairly well, to my own amazement. So dont give up, youll be fine, give it time, give yourself some space to figure things out. Get out and be with people, there are others like you, you just need to find them. Steve
  19. I suspect there is overlap there, and situations can differ. When my dad died, i spiraled into clinical depression, having not realized i had mild depression for a long time. Then i started going to doctors and therapists, which revealed a bigger mess than anyone realizef was there. So i guess if i had no underlying depression issues, and a death in the family made me temporarily depressed, you could call that situational. In my case, i guess it was always there and got acute with the death in the family. So what do you call that? Maybe i dont know what 'normal sadness' is. Depression hits me like a ton of bricks. I guess we'll never know how it feels to be someone else.
  20. Logan, I was thoroughly miserable in high school as well. I know how you feel. I had a messed up household and felt like a loner- outcast at school. At least i had a couple of friends in the same boat there. Im sure youre not alone with how you feel. You can survive this. I did...and didnt think i would. You prob already know...but the OWL online has lots of helpful info for English. And yeah, i had some teachers that said i'd never amount to anything, my dad said it too. I now have a good job, a house, and a wife, so F every one that said that to me. You can say that too one day. Dont forget: be nice to yourself. Steve
  21. Yeah, like that with many dr's these days. If you have a cold, it'll be gone by the time you can get an appt. Try to distract yourself by being busy with something.
  22. Anything that keeps your brain busy is good in my opinion. If you really enjoy it, all the better.
  23. Dont take any crap from that doctor. If this is the thread i read the other day, you said you asked for something for anxiety and were denied. So you went home and had to resort to drinking and other things. That is bs. I understand that the Dr wont give you certain things if you are drinking too, but there has to be some compromise that can be made so you get relief. I was given buspirone years ago...it worked and it is non addictive if I recall correctly. You may need to promise not to drink, but not getting any help at all defeats the purpose of going to the Dr in the first place. Ive been battling anxiety a lot lately. I get it...it sucks. Good luck.
  24. You dont need to hurt yourself, or be so hard on yourself. The world is cruel enough without you beating yourself up too. If you are seeing a councellor, and not getting anywhere, you are likely not opening up and really saying what is bothering you. That can be scary but it is necessary. You deserve love and to be understood. People here can help as well. Ive felt as you do and it pains me to recall it, and to think you are going through those feelings now. It really sucks and i hope you can gather the strength to get the help you need. I hope you feel better. Be nice to yourself. Please. Steve.
  25. Epictitus: I think some peoples clock is wired diffetently than others. When i worked for myself, i got up at 9am, worked until after dark, and went to bed at midnight. I've never been a morning person. I force myself for work, but my body isn't in sync.
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