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About hennyhamster

  • Birthday 10/26/1983

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    Charity, crafts, reading, swimming, karaoke.

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  1. Thanks for taking the time to reply guys, I have had dbt before so perhaps I should put some of the skills I learned to test in these situations. Fizzle, I did what you suggested and went out with a little less makeup on yesterday and nothing bad happened..
  2. I've recently noticed that I do things and I'm not sure why.. I was with a guy that got aggressive when he drank so when I'm around a man who drinks, I'm anxious, even when there is no evidence to say that they'll behave the same way.. I went away with an ex and it was horrid so I think it will be horrid when I go with the new one. How do I take each new situation and person as a new one? I have bpd. I've realised too this week that I am obsessed with perfectionism, my tutor says I am too hard on myself because I want my work to be perfect and if its not I obsess about it.. I'm obsessed about looking perfect and decided that's why I spend so much time and money trying to look perfect which I can never do! I'm trying to accept that I don't have to be perfect, my hair and makeup doesn't have to be immaculate.. Nothing will go terribly wrong if it doesn't. I'm aware that my thoughts are distorted but unsure how to correct it! Grrr.
  3. In the past month I have gone onto the contraception pill and stopped smoking. I feel so poorly. I was coping well with minimal anxiety and stable moods but the past week I've been a mess. I feel terribly depressed and unable to leave the house alone. I can't work out if it's the pill or the lack of cigarettes and am so afraid. I don't want to undo all my hard work :(
  4. I've done really well over the past few months. A year ago I was self harming, suicidal and couldn't see a future for myself. Now I am attending college, lost the weight I wanted to lose and I have applied for a job. There's something I just cannot get over though, I had a very bad relationship, 13 years ago when I was 16. He demanded I lost weight, told me he'd marry me if I grew my hair, even wrote a list of things to achieve by the time I turned 18. He'd get angry if I ate a sweet or the fat on a bit of meat. Told me that my breasts were too far apart, threatened to leave me for someone with long blonde hair.... I've been doing DBT and think a lot of my self loathing stems from this and another partner I had that said my arms and ankles were too fat. I'm glad that I have lost some weight and am now healthy but instead of feeling proud, I lay awake at night thinking about what those men said and then feel worthless again. I've gained a little confidence by going to college and applying for a job but I feel the things that these men said are still holding me back. Do you think I can find a way to get over this? I often sit, fantasising about seeing these men again and telling them what they've done to me, which probably isn't healthy. I'm single now so I can't put myself in the position again. Is there a way to get over this and move on?
  5. Thankyou, my pdoc said to take 1 twice a day and that i can only have them for a few weeks, wierd! I really don't see the point in putting up with the side effects for such a short time. I am taking them for anxiety and I guess they work because they turn me into a zombie staring at the walls. I took one yesterday and refuse to take any more, I'd rather be anxious then like that. I had to get my sister to stay over because I just felt like I was going to faint.
  6. Please help I am so scared, taking risperidone along with escitalopram. Only took my second risperidone today 0.5 mg and i feel so ill. I feel like a zombie, can't do anything even struggling to type. Had to get family to stay with me because I just cannot function, could it be the risperidone at such a low dose? thanks.
  7. Thank you Trace, things have improved a little. I have seen my pdoc and increased my pills, taking them at a different time of day so at least I can sleep now which I wasn't before. Dad has realised how I'm feeling and isn't relying on me so much. I've been diagnosed with a stomach condition caused by an overgrowth of yeast which can cause depression and anxiety and many more nasty symptoms, so maybe now I've discovered that and am having treatment just maybe it will help with my mental health problems a little.
  8. Thank you for your reply Roche, that means a lot to me. Well today is not a good day, I am feeling terrible myself. Someone rang today and asked how I was and I broke down in tears, that was the first time I cried since all this happened and god did it feel good for a while. I'm not doing so well myself now I'm afraid I think it has all caught up with me. I'm on antidepressants and they are causing weight gain even though I am on a healthy eating plan and I suffer from terrible body image and I'm struggling with money too and really finding it hard to cope. I see my p-doc in just under 2 weeks, gonna try and hold on but I can definitely feel the depression creeping in again.
  9. Hi scribble, hope you are ok, welcome to DF x

  10. I was talking with my CPN on Thursday about my self loathing, he asked why I disliked myself. I said because I have nothing to offer, I have no job or car and very few qualifications. He explained to me that it doesn't matter. He said I am a great person who cares deeply about others. After a lot of deep thinking I've realised he's right. My facebook status now says 'I have been through hell in the past few weeks,and even more through the years and I am still here and stronger then ever, maybe I'm not the weak person I thought that I was'..I had to make a deal with him that I would get outside of my flat just once a day even if it is just for a cigarette to help with my social anxiety..I've been out each day and even managed to go to the shop, normally I can't go anywhere alone! Mum and Dad came round today, nothing was mentioned about anything. Dad told me on the quiet that the price for the flat next door was too high which was quite a relief. He's still looking for a place near me but I'd just rather it wasn't literally on my doorstep! So I guess he hasn't mentioned it to mum yet which I think is rather bad. I really don't think he should have got the house valued behind her back. I felt very awkward and sad sat next to them, I was sat waiting for them to say something about it all but they didn't. It looks like Dad won't tell her what's going on until he's found a place so I'm kinda keeping it secret from mum, what an awful situation for Dad to put me in. Oh well, I just have to wait and see what happens and remain strong....
  11. Thank you x I'm just greatful it's friday when I get together with my friends where we all have a few drinks and forget everything for a few hours x
  12. He has actually just said that he feels better than he ever has done on his new pills, I spoke about my concerns and how he would have to look after himself so i wouldn't make myself ill. He has had the house valued today behind my mum's back. I can't imagine what's going to happen when she gets home later and finds out. I gave him the number to ring the flat next door and also some others in my town. Now I am just feeling awful about mum not knowing and like I have betrayed her, I hope mum can forgive me.
  13. Oh dear, dad rang this morning and asked me to see if there are any flats to rent in the building next door to me. i haven't checked yet but I think there are. He says he needs one as soon as possible. I wouldn't mind him living next door I'm just scared about his mental state at the minute and just hope he would be ok because if he lives next door I shall feel responsible for him. I know I said he should move near me but I wasn't expecting it to be next door! He said he doesn't love mum anymore. Oh god I hope it doesn't make me ill if he moves next door..
  14. Hi Trace, felt a little down for a day or two but trying to look after myself. Went to play badminton yesterday and I'm eating really healthily, just doing everything I can to keep myself as well as I can.I posted another thread shortly before this happened about one of my best friend's being arrested for committing a crime. That's hit me hard too because normally they're the one to support me through tough times and now I never want to see them again so eveything is going on at once.Not sure if they'll go to prison or not. I spoke to mum today, she didn't mention dad and I don't ask her how he is cos she always says he's ok even when he isn't, so I assume he's hanging on. Last time i spoke to him he said he was going to the solicitors about a divorce. I guess I could have asked to speak to him but I think while I'm feeling a bit down I should avoid it unless he asks to speak to me.
  15. Well I have just seen my mum and dad for the first time since all this hapened and mum was doing her usual- acting as if nothing was wrong, then I sat with just my dad for 45 minutes and had a proper chat. He is hurting so much. He said he has had enough of being controlled. Mum never let him see their bank balance and she was always walking around with money to spare and he has nothing but pennies to spend. He still wants a divorce but says mum is refusing to accept it. He looks really unwell and said he might have cancer too. I let him know that I am ok and not to worry about me, and still encouraged him to do what he thinks is for the best. He apologised for talking to me about it but he didn't know who else to talk to I said I didn't mind. I told him he should get a little flat near me and we can look after each other. Starting to feel a little guilty now and like I am betraying mum for encouraging dad to get a divorce but what else can i say??
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