chumly

Okay well, I just messaged my mom after reading what Nightjar said. ...LOL...It is kind of funny that I swore to myself not to message her for mothers day but yet I did....LOL. but I kept it extremely brief and short. I also used it as a sort of "courtesy message" to let her know that I would get to her other messages soon because I know shes been trying to contact me again. I just need to get better help from my new therapist before I even read her messages to me...much less respond. I think when I sent her the Mothers Day message I was just trying to focus in on her good qualities...since she is not 100% bad. ..just sick I suppose! Anyway, I think I feel better that I did this! As Nightjar said, she is just a very damaged and frightened individual who I should probably feel more sorry for than anything else! Anyway, Nightjar...I would like to really thankyou for the help here! I honestly feel like there was something in your words to me! I think you can probably write a book on dealing with narcs...:) Thanks again!!

Interesting! Well, I suppose that is one idea. Maybe I can just send something really quick in that case. Maybe I will feel better in a way. As you said, I can do it while keep my distance. Thanks for the input! I really appreciate it and I really hope you are well.:)

Just wondering how everyone on here is doing? I have not been on here for a while because I have been so busy but I've been meaning to come back on. I think about this group often. It is great to have a place to go where people can understand what it is like to have toxic/narc family members. I have always received such great advice here as well. I really appreciate it all! Anyway, with Mothers Day being tomorrow I was wondering how everyone on here is doing? Do you have any Mothers Day plans? As crazy as it probably sounds...I did have a momentary thought to message my mom to wish her a nice day. I was going to do it just to please her but than I thought better of it. I mean, why lie? I dont feel she deserves to be honored tomorrow at all so why should I fake it?? She has not shown me that courtesy so why should I do it for her? I might be able to make an exception on any other holiday, like Christmas or maybe even a birthday but I think Mothers Day is the one day of the year that I should NOT contact her. I don't think simply giving birth to someone really makes that person a mother. Of course biologically it does but not emotionally. Instead I will send a message to my sister who in spite of having a narc mom is managing to be a pretty good mom herself from what I can see. Anyway, just wondering how all those with toxic or narc family members are doing? I hope all is well? And I hope you all have a great Mothers Day no matter how you choose to celebrate it.

I am really sorry but for some reason my response back to you was not posted yesterday. I dont know why but anyway, I will copy and than paste it down below. Thanks so much once again for the helpful response. .. This is so true! Yes, I definitely feel that I need to be in a better place emotionally to read my moms messages. I did make the mistake of reading one of them about a month after she threw me and my friend out and it turned out to be quite a mistake. The message made me even more angry with her, which I did not think was possible.... because it was all about her once again! My only dilemma was wondering if I should send her a second "courtesy message" since it was since Christmas that I told her that I would be back in touch but as Another Statistic pointed out, I really don't owe her anything. I can just do what is right for me. Anyway, thanks so much again for the help!:)

Thankyou both so much once again for the very helpful responses here! :):):) I just wanted to add that I realize that without my having read the messages from my mom for a year that it is possible that there could be an apology in there somewhere but I am just assuming that the messages will continue in the same vein she always goes in ...which is centered around herself and making herself the victim. With the exception of one time, she has never apologized to me but yet this is not the first time she has done something awful to me BUT I think this is the worst thing so far...and it will also be the last!!! I am done with this with her!!! She basically threw me and my friend out of her home because we did not agree with her politically!!! She claims that she was NOT throwing me out but just my friend but to me by throwing my friend out it was the same as throwing me out as far as I am concerned and in fact, I think it is worse because it is less honest...I think it is more honest to just go ahead and throw me out ! And all because we did not think just like her! Anyway, I think it is all part of her condition...whatever that condition is. I think it is bipolar mixed with narcissism because she will often get like Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. ..where she gets really angry and nasty about something and than tries to smooth things over right afterwards but always very careful enough not to apologize at the same time..:(. ..so this time she did try to call right afterwards to get us to come back but I had my friend listen to the first few messages and there was no apology but just her trying to straighten things out. ..but as I said, at this point it is too late! I am done dealing with her mood swings. I think she needs serious professional help and I will likely tell her that I wont deal with her again until she gets it....but I will discuss all this with my therapist first to get her professional input. Anyway, thanks so much once again for the great advice here! I really appreciate it!

Wow! Thanks so much for sharing this! I cant explain how healing it is for me to know that I am not the only one that has dealt with a difficult parent! That is why I love coming on here. Not that I wish anybody else the grief that comes with this sort of thing but to hear other people move on with their lives in productive and happy ways, as you have, despite dealing with a difficult parent is really very healing so I really appreciate you sharing this with me! Thanks so much!!!:) I also really appreciate you reminding me that I owe my mom anything! I think with Mothers Day being on Sunday I probably felt a bit sensitive the last few days but I know it is just a day like any other day and what you said is so true...all those good feelings need to be earned and the notion that someone is entitled to special treatment that we would never tolerate from anybody else simply because they gave birth to a person or because they are related to a person is actually really ludicrous the more I think about it...:( But I guess we are all just victims of what we are taught! I am so glad that some of these old traditions are now being rethought by so many now too!!:) Well, as always it looks like I received more great advice here! Thanks so much for helping another fellow human being! It is much appreciated.:) Best of luck to you as well!

I would love some input from others on here... As some on here already know...I am not really in good standings with my mom. She is a very difficult person and I believe she is narcistic and mentally unstable. Her condition lead her to throw me and my friend to the streets during the pandemic last year when we were actually living with her to help her out with her health conditions. Anyway, she tried to contact me and my friend right after she threw us out last year to get us to move back in with her but at that point I was not going to deal with her so with the exceptions of about 1 or 2 small emails I have not really talked to her since that time even though she has continuously tried to contact me. From what I have been told she has wants to make peace with me but of course as always...she never apologized for what she did to me and my friend.:(. I dont want to read her emails or talk to her at this point because it is usually always about her and how I hurt her without her ever taking responsibility for what she does to hurt me. It just makes me so angry. ..and I just dont want to deal with all of that right now. Anyway, I have kept all her messages in my email spam folder for now as I figured that maybe I would eventually read them after getting advice from my new therapist. I am hoping the therapist will help me decide if I should even deal with my mom anymore at this point. Anyway, with that said....last Christmas I guess the spirit of the holidays overcame me and I did send a quick note to my mom to wish her a happy holiday and to let her know that I would catch up with her emails sometime after the holidays. I guess I felt bad that she was trying so hard to contact me and since it was Christmas I wanted to be nice but I never got back to her after that and of course she has started messaging me again. I did see a title of one of her emails and it was her asking what happened to me. I guess she is wondering why I did not message her back after I said I would. However, one of the reasons that I have not read any of her emails yet is because I have only just started seeing the therapist a few weeks ago and I barely had a chance to discuss all of this with her. I only see the therapist once a month so I have not had the opportunity to get any input yet about the situation. Anyway, with all that I said here do you think it I should send my mom another "courtesy message" to let her know that I have not forgotten about her and that I still plan on getting back to her? Or is it okay to just leave it until I am good and ready to get to all her messages at this point? PS ...It is actually just amazing to me that I would even consider her feelings at all though when all she really does is think about herself! It kind of angers me that I feel guilty about making her wait to hear from me when she obviously felt not guilt about kicking me and my friend to the streets during the pandemic! Actually it angers me again just to type this part out. Maybe this sort of answers my own question in a way...LOL. Maybe I need to toughen up because maybe she does not deserve my sympathy?? Anyway, I would love others input on this? Thanks in advance.:)

So very true and also very very wise advice!! Thanks so much again! By the way, if you are not already a therapist I think you would make a great one!

Thanks again everyone for your terrific help! It really did wonders to type all that out and read the helpful responses too! I really love and appreciate this forum!!

Thanks for your very supportive message as well!! Yes..that is my hope as well but I guess I’ll survive this either way. I guess I’m not the first person to have something like this happen too and I guess I won’t be the last either sadly. Thanks again for the very kind response!

Thanks so much for your very warm and kind response! Yes..I will continue to fight this but I can see that others have suffered even greater losses than mine and got through it and I suppose I can too! Thanks again for your kindness!

Wow! This was actually very very helpful! Thanks for sharing your experience. I did not realize though how helpful it would be to hear that someone else had something like this happen to them too...in fact, something worse I suppose since the financial loss you had was greater than mine but yet you got passed it and moved on! That is very inspiring to hear! This is not to say that I’m glad you had to suffer a loss like this. I’m just glad to know you found a way to get passed it and told me about it and maybe even better for it in some way.. Well, all I’ve been feeling for the last week is frustration and anger but I suppose if others such as yourself can get passed the loss and survive I suppose I can as well. I won’t give up in fighting for the pay but maybe I should just be glad I was not entirely dependent on it as you pointed out and not let this get the better of me anymore! Perhaps the universe has a much better plan for me anyway Thanks so much for helping another fellow being! I truly appreciate it!

I am feeling quite depressed about a situation so I figured I would post about it on here in the hopes that it may help a bit... Anyway, I have been working as an independent contractor doing customer service/sales work from home now for a company for the last 8 years. I was doing the job to supplement my income and it has been a HUGE help for me!! The money got me through some very tough times and I really also very much liked the job. I made my own hours and I was able to work pretty much anytime I wanted and as little and as much as I wanted. The pay was not really that great since it was based on call volume and often times there would be long stretches without any money made but since it was really only a supplemental income it did the trick for me and the benefits of working from home and the flexibility made it all worth while for the most part...however it was never my ultimate goal. Anyway, they were always implementing changes for the company and the last change they made was that they hired an outside company to be in charge of the entire payroll. This has turned into a disaster and none of us agents have liked it at all! However, I was trying to deal with it as best as I could until the job suddenly blocked my acct claiming that I was working in an unapproved state and in addition to that they stopped paying me!!! I straightened out the matter about my violating the contract with them and they were supposed to unlock my acct to allow me to work again but I am still fighting to get my pay from them since Mar 1st!! When I contacted my job about it they directed me to contact this horrid payroll company that is so unprofessional...they never return calls or emails. ..and when I do talk to them they seem completely incompetent. Anyway, I finally found out through one of their supervisors that my pay was sent to an unfamiliar Bank of America acct. ..she suggested that someone may have hacked my acct and that this is why it was sent to this unfamilar acct. and she was wondering if someone I know may have done this but that is impossible since nobody I know has access to my computer or info like that! If anybody did it it is someone on their end! Anyway, I finally chatted with someone at Bank of America and they actually found the acct with my funds in it and they told me they are sending it back to this payroll company who in turn is supposed to send it back to my actual true acct but I still have not received this pay yet and the payroll company is now claiming that the acct is a non transferable one!! Bank of America says that this is untrue and that the payroll company should receive the funds back within the next few days but I am not holding my breath since it seems like this company is finding every excuse they can now not to pay me! And this was $600 ..so it is not a small amount in my opinion! Anyway, since I am an independent contractor I can not go to the labor board about this but I am going to seek help from an attorney and I am just so disgusted and depressed about how this job has turned out to be now! It just seems like after 8 years they have turned into crooks!!! I have never had any issues with my pay from them before so I cant understand why they are doing this now and I am so disgusted with them after this that I just don't think I can ever work for them again even if they straighten it out...besides they still have my acct locked anyway! I have discussed this on the job forum with other fellow agents of mine and everyone is on my side about this but I am just so upset that this job turned out like this! I am trying to look at the positives about this and maybe see this as an opportunity to finally go for my ultimate goal of job training in another field...something I have wanted to do for a while now. I also found another job to get me some extra money but I am so afraid of something like this happening again. It is hard to know who to trust! After all these years of working for a company it is hard to understand how they can suddenly become so corrupt like this! Anyway, I guess I will get the money back eventually but it has been so frustrating in the meantime. I almost feel like I was betrayed by a husband or something. ...it is just a very strange feeling to have a job that I trusted for so long turn out like this!! Well, thanks for listening and this did help to type all of this out!!

Just curious to know...for those of you that are still in contact with you narc and/or toxic parent(s) do you close messages to them using the “ love” salutation even if you are uncertain if you mean it? Thanks

Very true! I can totally see that happening too. My mom is very good at getting strangers to like her and see her ways. I also dont want to see her now anyway. The thought of doing so is almost sickening to be honest. Anyway, thanks for your terrific insight as well!