chumly

Thankyou so much LeilaNadine!! That is sooo true! I agree completely with this and I know that is a major part of my problem. I dont have much of a life but I am determined to get one. Thanks so much:)

hi again, I cant believe it looks like I need to turn to this forum for advice again...however, I really have found the advice here extremely helpful and I currently dont have much else to turn to. To sum it up...there is a man that I recently met from a dating site (I have discussed him on here before)..anyway, we chatted for a long time prior to meeting..this was mainly due to my fears of rejection but also some very rocky connections with him and I , entailing alot of mixed messages and signals that often left me confused with him..anyway, we eventually did meet but in the terms of friends with the potential for more. He seemed to like me to a certain extent and was interested in hanging out with me again and meeting some of my female friends with me but I have been out of town since our first meeting so I have been unable to see him again..however, I did feel a strong physical attraction towards him so I sent him lots of emails after we met ..just as I did prior to meeting, however, he indicated to me that due to his work schedule he would prefer that I slow down and shorten my long emails to him. I kind of took this as a sign that he was not as interested in me as I was in him..so I sent him a message explaining that I would back off of him and that he can just contact me when I get back from my trip ( I told him the date I would be back in town) this way if he wants to get together at that point he can contact me and I wont bombard him with unwanted emails in the meantime. He replied back with a 2 page long email to me telling me how disappointed he is in me and how he just wants to know what it is that I want from him and how I am messing up his good feelings for me, etc. I was extremely surprised by this and took it to mean that he did actually like me more then I realized , so I decided to be open and honest with him and I admitted to him that I did have feelings for him. Like I said, I assumed his long message to me indicated that he felt the same way, and he did in fact admit that he did indeed like me as well. ..but we both admitted that we need to see where things develop since it was too soon to tell at that point how genuine our feelings really are. We both decided we would still get together as friends when I got back from my trip. It seemed like things were moving in a good direction However, I did not hear from him all day yesterday but when I finally got a message from him today he was updating me on what was new with him and he just casually mentioned that he met a lady from the dating site the night before ( which explains why he did not get back to me) and how nervous he was about it and how he feels he screwed things up and she did not seem interested in getting close to him and just offered the friend card to him. He ended the message by telling me how he looks forward to seeing me soon. So now I am completely baffled...I know I have discussed some male friends with him (I even recently told him about an xboyfriend that I reconnected with, but I made it clear that it was a friendship only connection), however, he is telling me that he went on a date with a woman that he seemed to hope for something romantic with and this is the day right after he seemed to convey to me a possible interest in me romantically!! so now I am officially confused!! and hurt...and I told him so. I said that it makes no sense to me that he would send me a 2 page letter to explain how upset he was when I said I would back away from him and then the very next day tell me about a date he went on. I said that he hurt my feelings (which he did) and that even though I am happy to just stay as friends with him if that is all he wants I also dont want to hear about his sex life either. I even told him that I would be okay if he even hit it off with one of my friends but this casual mention of a date he went on to me seemed very cold to me. The bottom line is this seemed like an extremely cowardly and cruel way to try and tell me he only wants to be friends with me and I relayed all of this to him in a message. He messaged me back but I did not read it..it seems like him and I have gone back to having our rocky connection with each other again...just as we did prior to meeting. I am mad at him and really feel like he played with me all this time. Anyway, from what I have explained here I would like to know if I am right? Does it sound like he is just playing games with me? It seems like he sent me the 2 page letter just to get me to admit I like him and then deliberately went out of his way to let me know about his date the next day..almost like he was going totally out of his way to hurt me for absolutely no reason..I was prepared to back off of him..there was absolutely no reason to do this. Sorry..I know this is a long message but it really helps to type it out..anyway, any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.:)

thanks so much UglyLoser, great advice:)

thanks so much for your helpful response ParaDoxiParadin!:) I really appreciate it and yes, it is very helpful! It is good to know that I am not alone in all of this..of course I do wonder if I did not take so long to get back to him when I went out of town if things might have been a bit different..he might have assumed that my delays in getting back (almost 2 weeks) indicated a lack of interest on my part but that was not entirely true..I was interested in meeting as friends and seeing where things go from there..but I suppose if I were in his shoes I may have acted in a similar way and just moved on like he apparently did. ..anyway, I guess it cant hurt for me to message him at this point! Thanks so much again! I really appreciate it:)

hi again lonelyforeigner...I always LOVE getting responses from you since you add a male perspective to things that I find rather interesting! so thanks so much once again:) I will take your word for it in that case since like I said, you are a male. :) okay..well, I will give it some thought..I think I actually do have an email address for him too so maybe I will just email him the friendly note instead. I think I would like to remain friends with him...as you can probably tell I dont really have enough friends..:) Thanks again Lonelyforeigner...you really need to be a therapist. I get the feeling that your difficult life has given you some terrific perspective on things! Thanks so much again:) it actually cheered me up!! :)

thanks again MayzeeDog0518. I actually reread your response..I was still bothered by his message today so I thought it might help to reread what you said.:) I totally agree that he did the right thing by being honest but I am still having difficulties determining if he is actually sincere about wanting to remain friends with me?? He did seem to like me alot as a friend when we used to talk. and I know he did leave me his phone number but that might have just been because I asked for it and he did give it to me before. ..but there was something in the wording that seemed cold to me...maybe I am overanalyzing...but the use of "wish you the best" and "would like to remain friends"....something about that rings as a fairwell as opposed to a true invite to stay as friends. I am only asking this because I had a friend suggest that I can call him and thank him for his honesty and let him know I am still up for being friends if he is ever interested ...but like I said, the wording does not give me a warm enough feeling to do that. It feels more like a professional note that one would send to a business or after a job interview as opposed to a note to a friend...like I said, there is something very cold about it but perhaps I am overanalyzing...I know I tend to do that and of course that is why I just decided to post the message here so maybe others can give their thoughts on what he said. Even though I appreciated his honesty on certain levels I may have preferred to have just be left in the dark about it...most likely I would have just went on and forgotten about him eventually. He really did not need to tell me about this woman he met..it was too much info in my opinion that was not necessary to say to me. ..but anyway, now I am not sure if I should place that call to him? any further thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

hi there MayzeeDog0518...yes, what you said has helped alot! Thanks so much! I think this was compounded for me because I am still reeling from something that was definitely much more rejection oriented so it somehow magnified this to be worse!! Thanks so much once again for the terrific perspective on it! It really does help!:)

I guess the reason I feel bad about this is because I almost feel like he threw his new relationship in my face and he is not the first one to do that to me either. I have had others that I have communicated with from the dating sites do that to me as well. It feels like rejection because I guess I am thinking that he had no need to even let me know about this new woman. ..especially if he is not sure how it will go (as he pointed out himself)...this feels like too much info and almost a "throw in my face act". In other words..if he really liked me at least a little bit romantically I am thinking he probably would not even mention it. ..so it does feel like rejection to me on a certain level. I am sure some would argue that he is good to be honest with me but like I said, I just thought it was too much info given. Still interested in any thoughts on this? since I still feel bad today.

As some on here already know..I have a profile on a dating site. I am looking to start as friends with people and if more happens from that it would be great and if not, I would want to still be friends...and I have this stated in my profile. Anyway, since most that do online dating are looking for more of a quick thing and not really looking to be friends at first I dont connect that well with the majority of people but I periodically do make some nice connections and I thought I did find someone that might have been interested in a similar thing. Him and I had several long phone conversations and even though in his profile he is looking for a long term relationship he seemed to really like the idea that I was looking to be friends first. It seemed to really impress him. We were talking about having a big singles volleyball game in his backyard since he has a volleyball net and he was also going to meet some of my other single female friends. ..so it was really beginning to feel like I was making a new friend with him. There was also an attraction that we seemed to have to each other as well from what we knew too...but we were planning on meeting as friends and I was actually looking forward to meeting him. Anyway, I went out of town for a few weeks and he sent me a message on the dating site while I was gone. I did not open it until I got back so my response back was a few weeks late ..he then responded back with the following message that I will copy and paste here since I think that would be easier then trying to paraphrase what he said.. "How are you?? my phone number is ********** I met somebody that I really like. That doesn't mean anything will happen, but I've decided to close my account on here to give things a chance with her. I do wish you the best and if the opportunity exists to remain friends I would like that very much. You have a great weekend," He left his phone number because I told him that I lost it and would like to have it. anyway, I am not sure what to make of this message. Something about it feels very rejecting to me. I can understand why he would want to explain his deleted profile to me since I would have wondered about it anyway...but I am not sure how necessary it was for him to tell me that he met someone. He could have just said he needed a break from the site and left it at that since he is not sure where things will go with him and her anyway. Also..does he really want to be friends with me? or is he just giving me a line? A friend of mine suggested that I can call him and thank him for being so honest with me and let him know I am still interested in being friends...but I am not sure?? I am not sure what to make of it and I feel rejected and sad tonight...I think he gave me too much information that I did not need to know. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thanks in advance. :)

thanks lonelyforeigner! yes, I was impressed by that as well. I am still not 100% sure that he likes me romantically since we only hung out that one time in person so far when we met but I am now 100% certain that he must really like me as a friend now. ...which actually makes me quite happy. I can really use a good quality friend so it is nice to have one!!:) Thanks again lonelyforeigner!! :) You are such a nice person to help others on here like this!! I am sure good energy will be coming your way!:)

thanks lonelyforeignor! you do give great advice..I must say.:) actually I did wind up messaging him yesterday. I felt really guilty about the whole thing..and a friend of mine suggested I was rude to do that to him so the guilt kind of got the better of me. ...so I apologized and explained that I was not intentionally trying to throw anything in his face by inviting the other man. He said there was no need to apologize since he realized that. ..so I am glad I did not offend him:) He gave me some interesting advice...he actually asked me to stop looking at him through "rejection tainted glasses"..lol. He said he likes me and wants to spend time with me alone and with others and I am going to just have to accept it...lol...I think he is right...I am so afraid of rejection that I sometimes bring it on myself..as you say, Lonelyforeignor...:( ..you make a good point!:) The strange thing about my relationship with him is that we chatted for so long prior to meeting each other and he actually knows an awful lot about me and my OCD and my rejection fears that I think he is trying to deal with me with kid gloves in a sense...perhaps maybe even too afraid to reject me even if he really wanted to.:( Well, thanks again for the advice.Lonelyforeignor! I really appreciate it.:) and I think I will just go ahead and accept that he must like me enough to want to spend time with me. At the very least I can safely say I must have a real life friend now so I will take off the "rejection tainted glasses", as he requested..:) and just be grateful that I finally met him so we can now be real life friends and who knows what from there!:) Thanks again lonelyforeignor!:)

thanks so much:)

thanks so much Sophy for your helpful and honest thoughts on this. I agree with what you are saying here. I am thinking of giving a bit of space between him and I before I get back in contact with him again though, for my own benefit since I feel like I am getting a bit obsessed with him now that I met him, I suffer from OCD so that tends to be something I do if I am not careful. I think if i give myself at least a week away from him it might help even things out with him a bit in my mind...but I was not sure how rude this was and if I owed him an immediate apology but it does not sound like you think it is that bad that I need to do so right away at least. :) There was a few other exchanges that took place between him and I prior to that that left me feeling confused about him once again..i have not mentioned it because i think it might be better saved for another post..it is a bit time consuming...anyway, these further exchanges between him and I may have played a small roll in mentioning the other man to him ..I guess I wanted to let him know that I have other people that want to be my friend too, not just him. ..so there might have been some intentional stuff going on but not completely..I think that is why i felt a little guilty..since I know I had a slight intention of jabbing at him a little by mentioning this to him. anyway, thanks again for the advice. You are always so helpful!

I am a female and I recently met a man from online, some on here know about this..anyway we met as friends but there is a possibility that the interest can be a bit more but as of right now it is just a friendship. Anyway, I was trying to arrange for him to meet with me and another female friend of mine but it did not seem like he was that interested in hanging out with us after I went to the trouble of arranging everything and it really seemed like he wanted to hang out with us so that is why i arranged this evening in the first place so anyway, i told him that instead of cancelling out on the entire evening that i had already went to the trouble to set up I would instead invite another man that I have been chatting with online that I will be meeting as a friend too. He knows about this other man. I have spoken about him before...and in fact, he even told me about some women he met from online in the past so at the time I did not think anything of mentioning this to him. He knows that this other man is just someone I like as another friend...but now i am wondering if it was rude of me to even mention this to him? but him and i were only meeting as friends and this new man would just be a friend too...so with all that I said here was this rude of me? I feel a little guilty about it now because I am not sure if I was being rude. thanks for honesty and any advice.

tired tonight! did not sleep very good