chumly

Thanks so much for sharing this additional information! Very true and I definitely see your point! Thanks again…

Well I’m so very sorry for what you’ve been through but I’m so happy to hear that you seem to be at peace now and it’s encouraging to know that keeping a distance from your family really made the difference! I’m basically doing that myself at this point. Currently I’m not quite sure if I’ve forgiven my mom because I still get angry when I think of how horrible she has been to me. ..but I’m definitely working on it! Anyway, thanks again for sharing your wisdom with me !

Sorry that I’m only seeing this now! You are so right and yes….for the most part that is exactly what I’ve done with my mom. …and I’m very glad to be away from all her drama! I won’t deny that I miss things about her at times but I think it’s mainly just the idea of her that I miss rather than the reality. I am so sorry for what you’ve been through yourself but thanks for sharing your wisdom on the matter. ..

Thanks so much and I totally agree with your take on it! I definitely told her that I needed to protect myself and you are completely correct….she is likely referring to my not being there for her when she was going for surgery but that was because I needed ( and continue to need) to be protected from her by keeping a big distance from her! Thanks so much once again! I’m so glad I posted her message because it’s very helpful to get unbiased opinions on it. Thanks so much once again!

I would like to second what rainingviolets has said! This is an awesome forum! I have received some of the best advice on here regarding all kinds of pressing issues… I think it really helps that people here have been through similar situations and they truly want to help others! I am currently in therapy right now and I find that between that and occasionally posting on here life’s stresses are a lot more manageable! Sometimes simply just typing stuff out is therapeutic too! Perhaps you felt better just typing your feelings out. Anyway, I think it’s very positive that you posted on here. Eventually seeing a Dr may wind up helping you as it does so many that feel similar to you but only if that’s something you are truly open to…for now you are doing great by posting on here! Be proud of yourself and welcome back!

Well you are so right!!! I was just thinking the other day how she’s the cause of my going to therapy and so many issues I have today! It actually does make me angry when I think of it from that perspective too! There is no doubt that if she was not my mom I’d want nothing to do with her… and perhaps that’s my answer right there! Anyway, thanks very much for your take too! You are always so helpful. It’s probably because you know what it’s like too!!

So true!!! You make a great point! Thanks so much !!

Interesting! And I know you have experience with a toxic mom yourself so it’s helpful to get your take on it! Thanks very much for the helpful input! And since she refuses to get professional help I think your spot on with your analysis! Thanks again!

I would love to get some unbiased thoughts on the following message that I have copied and pasted below ( in italics and quotations). I received this message from my mom. As some on here already know I consider her toxic. I also suspect that she’s a narcissist but that has never been diagnosed since she refuses to get professional help. Anyway, I get the feeling that this is the closest I will ever get to an apology from her…because she only apologized once to me in my whole life. Now bare in mind and without going into details… she did some pretty awful things! In fact, the stuff she did was probably one of the meanest things anybody has ever done to me! I am now convinced that she is mentally disturbed. Anyway, the part that I don’t like is where she’s says..”if we can forgive each other” because I did nothing wrong that needs forgiveness. I just defended myself from her nastiness. Anyway, I would love others thoughts on this message? If you received this message from someone that did you wrong would you consider it an apology? Or would you be troubled by her suggestion that you did something wrong too? Similar to how I feel? Thanks in advance for any honest thoughts on this. “Hi, I am not interested in anymore arguments. I need peace in my life. So, if we can forgive each other then we can move forward in a positive way. I would love to get together with you - so we can talk. I am happy to pick you up if you need. and Mom”

Thanks so much! I really like and agree with everything you have said here! I think you make a very valid points too! And you are right…I am already at a distance from my mom already. I think you are also right when you say that it may even affect other relationships in my life as well. I’m planning on responding back to her. I’m just trying to mentally prepare myself and find a way to eliminate the back and forth stuff at the same time. Anyway, thanks so much for your very helpful response and the terrific insight! It is very much appreciated

I think it is natural for you to feel this way after dealing with everything you have in life. I am so sorry that you have been through what you have! I give you so much credit for surviving all of that though!! I wonder if there is a way to channel the aggression or angry feelings in a positive way? I also wonder if you would benefit from seeking therapy or joining a support group? Or maybe even an anger management course? Perhaps there are even self help books on anger that can help you? I have gotten alot of help from self help books throughout my life. Anyway, you are definitely not alone! Maybe knowing that will help you feel better in a way too.

I just wanted to thankyou once again!! This response really spoke to me!!! I really feel like this is the right thing to do and I think it is amazing that I happened to check this site and read your very thoughtful and helpful response! I just wanted to thankyou once again for helping another human being! It is truly appreciated! :):) If you are not already a therapist I think youd make a great one!!! I really mean that!!!:)

Thanks so much for giving me a different perspective and to be honest ...this is my therapists perspective on it too! I can definitely see both sides on this...but I kind of lean towards what you have said because since I suggested that she get professional help I am wondering if she might actually wind up doing it? I mean, she has gotten professional help before so it is not that out of the ordinary for her to do it. I guess I am just not that eager to read her response since I am assuming it is just an angry one..but of course that is just my assumption and like you said, maybe she wont be totally nasty. She is definitely not always nasty. Some of her emails are really nice in fact. The problem with her though is that she is rather unpredictably. And apparently that is how it is with toxic/narc people. My last message to her was very challenging ..stuff I never said to her before in my life. I tried to say things nicely but suggesting that someone get professional help is probably not going to go over well with most people no matter how nicely said.... so I guess that is why I am so hesitant about reading her response. ..but like I said you make an excellent point and it is really the same thing my therapist said...:) I am just trying to figure out how I can prepare myself better to react better to her possible rage. I have been reading stuff online ..some of it is helpful. I am sure there are professionals that could probably suggest the best way to deal with a toxic mom and what to say and what not to say. My therapist really did not offer much help with that part of the situation unfortunately. Anyway, thanks so much for giving me you're very interesting perspecitive! I really appreciate it!

very good point as well! Yes, you are right with how you have described her! You have given me lots to think about here as well. Thanks again. I really appreciate it!

Thanks so much for this very helpful input! You make a great point! For the most part I’m happy right now so why rock the boat by bringing back a toxic person…even if it’s just via email. I definitely see your point. …and yes, your probably right about my therapist wanting to make money too,… Thanks again!