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chumly

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  1. chumly

    is he using me and/or scamming me?

    hi ..thanks. Yes, I agree that astrology is not necessarily a scam. I just became suspicious when I offered to pay and he seemed willing to accept. ..but however, he did not ASK me to pay, he just accepted my offer that I started making to him. ..which I know was stupid on my part..I guess I was not thinking correctly at the time but it kind of surprised me that he was so willing to accept..a red light went off for me when the conversation ended making me wonder if that is what he was after to begin with..BUT maybe he only said he would accept because I offered I guess this does not mean he was necessarily going to even ask me for the money originally. He also traveled through my area quite a few times and had called me to see if he could treat me to dinner so that part to me makes him seem legitmate. If his intentions were to just get money out of me it is hard to believe he would want to take me to dinner ..but I guess anything is possible. Well, he now thinks I have no money ..he chatted with me a bit on the internet yesterday even after finding this out but I guess If I dont hear more from him I will know for sure that he was just trying to get money from me. It is not a good feeling to think that might have been the only reason he was talking to me but if it is true I am better off knowing. anyway, thanks.:)
  2. chumly

    is he using me and/or scamming me?

    by the way, he has been messaging me today and just discussing other things. I am hoping that this might be a sign that I am wrong and that he is sinere afterall since he now knows I dont have money now after my last message to him. ..but if he brings it up again I will just tell him I cant afford it ...or maybe I will just come right out and say it, like Floor2017 suggested. Either way, I will still be very cautious with him ..as I do with everyone:) If anything further happens with this I will keep this thread notified.:) Thanks for all the great advice:)
  3. chumly

    is he using me and/or scamming me?

    hi there, he actually does not live too far away and the place he lives is one of my favorite places to visit so it would be nice to have a new friend in that area..it would just give me a further excuse to visit there. I am totally fine with having friends, for me not everything needs to go in a romantic direction..in fact, I would say that I probably need friends right now more then romance since a good friend would fit into my life situation for me a bit better. I guess we all need friends and sadly I am at that point where most of my friends live far away or I am not in contact with anymore..so sometimes I feel a bit desperate for friends, which I guess is natural when a person is lonely. I was kind of saying the part about paying for friends as more of a line in which I dont want to cross...kind of said in a half joking way due to how bad things have gotten for me in that area. anyway, thanks:)
  4. chumly

    is he using me and/or scamming me?

    just so you know..his reply to my email saying that I have more bills then expected was that he was sorry to hear it. ..so I am not sure if that meant anything. Of course if he never tries to talk to me again that will say everything I need to know but like I said, I will try Floor2017 suggestion next. Thanks
  5. chumly

    is he using me and/or scamming me?

    Thanks so much everyone for the responses here! and all the great advice!!:) By the way, Floor2017, that is great advice that you gave!! I did do something similar to what you suggested...I actually sent him an email a short while ago and told him that a huge bill came in that I did not expect and I am now broke. The mindset behind that was to see how he would react to the idea that I had no money. I know he messaged me back but I did not get a chance to read it yet. ..but maybe I will just come right out and tell him I changed my mind about the astrological reading (like you said)...that would be the sure fire way to find out what he is all about.:) I really hope to God that he proves me wrong about all of this and that the whole thing is just a coincidence and maybe he never thought to get money for it from me until I suggested it. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt BUT at the same time I dont want to be so desperate for friends that I start letting people use me either.:( Unfortunately, it has almost gotten to that point for me now though. It is definitely better to be cautious..as you all have said. I think I will try Floor2017 suggestion...and give him a chance to prove me wrong just in case he is a sincere person and the whole thing is just a weird coincidence..like I said. Okay, well thanks everyone for the thoughts on all of this. I was feeling so happy at first when I talked to him on the phone..he felt like someone that could be a real friend so it was very disappointing and disillusioning when I started thinking about this whole thing afterwards.:( well, thanks again and I will keep this thread updated just in case anybody is interested in knowing how it turns out. Thanks again!!
  6. there is a man i started chatting with from online, we are talking only as friends right now, at first there was more of a romantic interest but he eventually met someone and is now dating them , he wanted to keep in contact with me as friends and I agreed ..anyway, he told me he does astrological charts and offered to do mine. It was one of the first things he said to me on the dating site when he started talking to me. We have chatted for about 2 months and mainly played phone tag because he lives out of state , a few times he was even passing through the area and called me to see if I wanted to meet him and he would treat me to dinner but I was busy at those times so i couldnt go...so everything seemed pretty nice with him and I was thinking he might be a new and potential friend and I am in desperate need of new friends...anyway, today was the first time I finally talked to him on the phone and had a normal conversation. we talked about many things and he seemed nice ..he also mentioned again about the astrological charts that he does for money. I stupidly told him I might be willing to pay him to do mine when we meet in the future since we discussed getting together sometime soon with a small group of friends and he agreed to both meeting and accepting the payment ..i offered to pay since he does it for money normally. anyway, I know i was the stupid one to offer to pay but now I am wondering if that is why he was talking to me to begin with?? to try and get me to pay for this horoscope chart reading thing? do u think so? i am starting to get paranoid ..i did not expect him to agree to having me pay him for this. so now I am curious to know if he has ulterior motives with me??..From what I have said here...does it sound like he is just trying to scam me for money for this astrological chart thing? Do you think it might even be the only reason he is still interested in me as a friend from what I am saying here? The fact that he was willing to meet me and treat me to dinner a few times when he was traveling through made him seem sincere but the fact that he seemed willing to accept money for the service makes him seems suspicious in a way to me? any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.:)
  7. hi there, just wanted to update this post for anybody curious... it turns out that Lonelyforeignor was 100% right...if I do not renew the lease it goes to a monthy thing. Anyway, my xboyfriend called me and apologized again....but I stood with my beliefs and was not going to back down...but he then promised to get better and start doing the online surveys for his cigs and alcohol money and clean up and be more proactive in looking for some kind of part time work while continuing to wait out his social security claim. He also reminded me of the promise I made to him ..which was that I would let him stay with me until he goes for the social security appeal and if that does not work out after almost 10 yrs of him fighting to get on social security he will try the best he could to go back to work..but I reminded him that that promise did not include him being ungrateful and abusive towards me. anyway, .I decided to still stay at my moms for a little while to get space from him and he did seem to show much improvement ...he dramatically decreased his alcohol and alcohol intake since i was not there to give him money for it..he had no choice ..he has also been doing the surveys and making a little money that way for his cigs and alcohol..so he seems to have gotten a bit better. I also thought about my options and realized that staying with my mom and trying to find a place on my own might not be as easy for me as I would think. ..I am sure i would eventually find something though but it might take more time then I am thinking..since his name is on the lease with me at this place...maybe I would not have such luck getting a place totally on my own...so I caved in and went back..but probably using the word "caved" might not be appropriate since i did tell him that i wont allow him to speak to me that way again. ..and I told him next time it really will be for good and I dont care what threats of suicide he tries to give me...I wont care. ..so I am guessing that maybe I made the wrong decision here but I am back with him at my place again BUT he definitely has improved dramatcally! He drink and smokes much less and does the surveys anytime he feels like he wants money for cigs and alcohol! He has also been cleaning and taking his dog out more now..so it has been alot better. ..but I am still going to go to al-anon meetings since I know this is probably still not the healthiest situation and I know I have a bad tendency to enable him. I will also look into seeing a counselor to discuss this whole situation with too. I do feel like it is really unfair to me. Him and I have been "friends only " for years now..I would really like my space. .I mean, how can I have any dates here with my xboyfriend living here?? i feel like my freedom has been trampled on...BUT he now knows how serious I am so I am thinking he is really going to try now...and I think we will know the appeal decision within the remainder of the year...so it is not too far off and then if that does not work..he can just get a job, which wont be so easy with his conditions but I guess there will be no other choice and maybe his family can help him again..he has started regaining contact with alot of them again...so hopefully they will help him out more since he really is a step away from homelessness here. . anyway, I will apply for sec 8 and public housing for him in the meantime. I also found out that it is relatively easy to get out of the lease at anytime...so that part is good to know just in case I need to get out earlier myself. And in regards to my wanting a dating life...I suppose anybody i date should understand that I am just helping a friend since that is ALL him and I are now is a friend. Hopefully anybody I date would trust me about that. ..of course I dont have to even tell anybody I date that he is my xboyfriend. I can just say he is my friend ..and like I said, hopefully they will trust me. ..so this is the update on this. I did feel bad with the thought of him going to a homeless shelter but he does really seem better now. Anyway, I hope this was the right decision and I hope I am not letting myself get walked on again. I know there is a fine line between being kind and being a pushover. I cant decide if I crossed that line now or not?? maybe therapy or al-anon will help me figure that out? well, just wanted to update this post and thank everyone for helping me with such GREAT advice! It was all so helpful and although I went back to him .and feel kind of stupid in a way about it..the advice is still within me that was given here and it has still given me much to think about. ..and like I said, counseling and alanon will surely be helpful too! Thanks again everyone. If anything new develops I will keep this post informed! I really appreciate it once again!:)
  8. thanks so much for this advice lonelyforeigner! This is my first time renting an apt like this so I did not realize that it can turn into a monthly agreement like that. Thanks so much for the heads up on that. I really appreciate it!:) Well, it is definitely tempting to just leave him as is but i suppose i dont also want to bite my nose to spite my face (or whatever that saying is..lol). My mom said I can stay with her BUT she also has her issues and is not always easy to deal with either and it might not be so quick for me to find another place with that good a rent as i have there and with no real apt issues (no bugs or quality issues), . ..however, I would NEVER have to worry that my mom would ever try and mooch off of me at least! well, I promised my mom I would stay with her for at least 2 weeks to help her with something so I guess I have some time to think about it all. Maybe getting professional help would be a good idea for me like you and others suggested. ..and joining al-anon sounds like a really great idea too! Posting on here has been tremendous help for me too!:) Thanks once again Lonelyforeigner! you would make a great therapist if you are not already one!!
  9. thanks Lonelyforeignor for that very important correction..."he is doing it to himself". okay..I will check into that month to month thing..actually his name is partly on the lease..why? could that affect me poorly? i doubt he will stay there.since he has no way to afford it unless his brother pays the rent for him....although he might trash it before leaving out or revenge.:( thanks for all the terrific help Lonelyforeigner!!:)
  10. thanks so much Lonelyforgeiner! you always give the best advice! It was a one year lease ..so they sent me and him a note to see if we wanted to resign it. It will be up in Sept so I think I will be off the hook then. What a funny coincidence that this is all happening now too. ..almost feels like fate. It is funny because when you mentioned "leech" that seemed to fit him. ..it is ashame that he has turned into this. It is also kind of funny that he is almost making it too easy to leave him..he is not even nice about anything. I almost feel like something about this is too good to be true. ..it would probably be so much more difficult if he was being super nice about things. ..but his attitude of acting like I owe him something for stuff he did for me in the past is making me feel angry every single time I think about it. You are right , Loneyforeigner...I am his last resort. ..or maybe he will be lucky enough to still have his dr brother to help him..maybe his dr brother is more trained to deal with this sort of thing then myself. I know he can afford it better anyway... and maybe i should not even care anymore?? and not even look back? a part of me feels horrible doing this to another human being but it does feel like he is giving me no other choice. ..and the attitude he has behind everything is really what is driving me to this. well, thanks so much Lonelyforgener! I really appreciate you giving me so much to think about once again:)
  11. thankyou so much for this advice and your insight here !!! I did not think of al-anon. That could be perfect for me!! I really appreciate it! i will look into meetings!
  12. ..it is funny but it occurred to me that I probably did not originally mention that he does contribute with his food stamps monthly and he does get about $200 in food stamps. I did not think to mention that in my original post and that was probably wrong of me to leave that out orginally...I am just wondering if I may have gotten different replies on here from people if i did??...I suppose the food stamps that he contributes does really help alot! I was actually noticing today when I went to the store how much food expense does add up since I am staying with my mom so therefore I dont have his foodstamps with me. ..so I will give him credit for the food stamp help. ..it really is a big help!!..i am just not sure if it outweighs what i give him for beers and cigs though??..and also the emotional abuse from his attitude too?? Well, I guess I have lots to think about. Thanks so much for listening on here!:) posting like this really does help!
  13. well, I should have known it would not take long for me to need to post about this situation once again... I thought things were getting a little bit better with him but yesterday I was headed to visit my mom again for a few days and I was nice enough to offer to see if he needed any food while I was away...and he very rudely told me to "shut up" since he was watching TV. ..we got into an argument and he started with his nasty and abusive tone with me..where he starts bringing up everything he did for me in the past..meanwhile, like i said before..I always paid him for my stay..but according to him since it was social security it was the govt money so it does not count. He has to be the most ungrateful person I have ever met! and then he wonders why nobody wants to deal with him anymore! so now, I am back at my moms and the funny thing is my lease at that apt is up in Sept. ..so I am really tempted to not go back now. My mom said I can stay with her as long as need be so I am really feeling tempted to do this. Everytime I think of having my own apt and free from him I get elated from happiness! Just the idea of being alone and not having someone trying to mooch money off of my for beers and cigs and just laying around lazy all day long and draining my energy!..the idea of being away from all that is just sooooo wonderful! I have been dealing with him now like this for probably about 7 years! it did not seem to bad when we were living under his roof but now he lost his home due to lack of income and he is living with me in an apt for a year. I pay for everything..part of it with my social security and part with some work @ home jobs that i do..anyway, like I said, we have been hoping that he would get approved for social security by now but he keeps getting denied. In the meantime there seems to be so little he can to do make money now. He used to work with his hands but he has all kinds of physical limitations that stop him now...so I have been trying to find him work@home jobs but it has not been easy at all. There are a few possible potential jobs for him but it just seems like such a lost cause ..he either does not get them or if he does he does not hold on to them for long, however, he does contribute in the form of his food stamps that he gets monthly in the amount of about $200, so in that way he is helpful...but then i almost feel like he takes away from that help with his alcohol and cig cost..anyway, we have found some legitimate paid online surveys he can do. They dont pay much at all..maybe about $25 in Walmart gifts cards a month. ..however, it could be as much as twice that amount if a person is willing to sit and try for a few hours a day. ..but he just does not do it enough to get much more then the $25 a month. ..however he smokes about a pack of cigs a day and drinks several cases of beers a week..so obviously these gifts cards only cover a very small portion of his expenses. ..so as i mentioned, I have been cutting deals with him (to clean for a small fee of about $5 a week since the apt is so small and also to take his dog out for 20 min since the dog distracts me while I am working..and for that I pay him about $4 three times a week). ...and to be honest..I wonder how fair any of that is anyway, I mean, he is living with me practically rent free, with the exception of his food stamp contribution..so why should i have to pay for him to do anything? he should clean for free and take his dog out for free..but a part of me feels sorry for him that he has not money at all. I cant even imagine how upsetting that must be...but again, alot of this is on himself..if he really did the online surveys enough he would probably have 2 xs the gift cards that he is getting ...he says it is his depressions but to me it looks like pure laziness! and it has an affect on me to be around this kind of low energy too...so like I said, I am very tempted to not go back now. ..but a part of me feels like i would be abandoning him. I mean, if I dont pay the rent he will have nowhere to go ..so he would really truly be homeless! I never thought I could do this to another human being but he is making things just so difficult for me and doing this is so tempting. I just want to be happy so bad and i feel like on my own i would be! ..so like i said, I dont know what to do. of course..he has been trying to call me now at my moms and he left a message saying he has been doing the surveys (which is usually what he does when he wants something from me or is trying to kiss up)...but he never apologized for being rude to me and telling me to shut up when I was kind enough to offer to get him food. ..and like I said, the pattern seems to be this way with him..he will do the surveys for a little while to please me and kiss up a bit..I will feel bad for him and give him money for stuff I could easily do myself. ..he will then get lazy again and lay around and when i confront him on it he will get nasty with me and the cycle of emotional abuse will continue. ..so like I keep saying..the temptation is there to just move on and not look back. I am at my moms ..which is about 30 miles away from him and he has no car. ..so he cant get to me here. ..but would that be horrible to do that to someone? leave them stranded and homeless? on the other hand, we had a rather interesting conversation last week about homelessness and he told me that he feels he would never be truly homeless because he believes his brother (who is a medical doctor but lives out of state) would not let him go homeless. ..so perhaps he could go back to getting help from his brother again??i know his brother is in a way better position both financially and emotionally to help him then I am. Just not sure what to do here??..but I just know something has got to change. i cant afford to pay for $30 worth of cigs and beers a week for him like I have been and then getting abused by him verbally on top of that! I only make about $8 an hour with my work at home jobs..it is just not fair and not right to me and this is really starting to have a toll on me. do you think i should not look back? should i make a clean break? or would that be cruel? i would be leaving him with no way to get around and no money at all. ..however, he said he has his brother. what should i do? any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance and thanks for letting me vent! this really helped!:)
  14. thanks so much for the helpful responses!! I am definitely going to look into therapy..perhaps even online therapy. ..as well as over-eaters anonymous. lately it has become more obvious what my emotional issues are derived from ( a very unhealthy relationship). Perhaps if I find a way to deal with this I will also deal with my over-eating.:) Thanks so much once again;)
  15. hi Evalynn, Thanks so much for the helpful response! Do you know much about over-eaters anonymous and if it has been helpful for people? Thanks again:)
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