Well, I’m so glad there is a place to go where I can read about others experiences with toxic and/ or narc family or friends. Thanks so much for having this! For so long I felt so alone with the whole thing!
I guess it might help if I finally share my experience with my mom at this point...Sorry in advance for this very lost post but it actually did help for me to type this all out!!
Anyway, I’m not exactly sure how to define my mom. ...I’m not sure if she’s 100% narc or just completely unstable and toxic or maybe a little bit of it all. She does not have all the traits that I have found online...for example, she’s definitely not showy or critical however, for the traits that she does have she has them in great abundance!! The two narc traits that she exhibits in extreme doses are that she is unstable and completely unpredictable in the form of starting arguments ( with anybody) about almost anything at anytime AND never ever saying she’s sorry! I think in all my years on the planet she only said she was sorry to me twice. Once was when she admitted to me that she made mistakes as a mom ( which shocked the daylights out of me!) and the other time was when she started a fight with me because I was too nervous to meet with a friend I had been chatting with online...believe it or not she even picked a fight with me about something as trivial as that! But that was the extent of the apologies I’ve received from her in all my years BUT those were said to me in more recent times SO I actually thought there was hope that she was getting better! Or at least that was my hope until she recently proved otherwise...and in fact did to me one of the worst things anybody has ever done to me which still has me in a state of shock to this day in a lot of ways ( even though it’s about 7 months later) .
Anyway, over a year ago my mom was diagnosed with very treatable early stage rectal cancer. At the time that she was diagnosed the lease in the apartment I was sharing with my xboyfriend ( who was at the time and still is just my friend) was ending. My xboyfriend and I shared the expenses with a temporary idea in mind to help each other out financially as we both were going through some financial woes but were both in the midst of getting on our feet. We were not happy with where we were living anyway so when my mom was diagnosed the idea came to mind that we could move in with her for a while and I could than drive her to all her Drs appts. and my xboyfriend and I could help her with any other chores she’d need assistance with. In exchange she would allow me and my xboyfriend to live there rent free in an effort to help us get our finances together. It all seemed good on paper BUT I was also quite a bit leery since I knew how she was and had had some very negative experiences with her starting fights with me and my xboyfriend and picking on him for no reason in the past and even going so far as to ruin vacations we were on and things like that...so I was extremely hesitant about the idea BUT my xboyfriend ( who obviously knows a bit of how she is already) convinced me that he believed she’d be on her best behavior this time since we were there to help her out. Of course we would get a good deal out of it to by living rent free but he still felt she would not start her usual fights considering the condition she was in ...so I went against my better judgement and did not resign my apartment lease and agreed to the deal of having me and my x move in to help my mom. Anyway, for the first 5 out of 8 months we were there it did seem pretty smooth. Of course I was busy driving her to her chemo and radiation appts and she would whine the entire time BUT otherwise, she was quite pleasant to me and my x. She has a big house so it was rather easy to keep some distance from her and have our own space. ..so it all seemed like smooth sailing in regards to us all getting along! However...she slowly started to feel better and with that I noticed some signs of her nasty side come out again. Her renewed interest in obsessively watching and listening to political news ( her absolutely over the top hobby and obsession since I was a kid !! ) started to resurface and her obnoxious need to talk about her political views to everyone in earshot without a care for what they believed started up again too!! My xboyfriend has very different views than she does and she is well aware of that. He of course kept his views to himself but that did not stop her from continuing to talk about her views with him or myself without the slightest provocation from us...usually in the form of jokes but also to spew her beliefs. Anyway, me and my x did our best to ignore it all and even though her ugly side was showing up again she seemed to continue to have times that she’d express deep appreciation for what me and my x were doing for her. She said she did not believe she’d get through her cancer treatment without us. So it still seemed to be a better experience with her than I ever had until April 8th. That was the day that it all changed! A few days prior to that me and my x noticed her ugly side surfacing a bit more than usual so he and I went out of our way to be attentive to her by cleaning more and cutting the grass more but nothing seemed to stop her need to cause strife and friction that day! While I was in another room working my xboyfriend was having a cigarette in the back porch where my mom once again started discussing her favorite political stuff. At that point my xboyfriend had been biting his tongue for so long that he finally expressed his opposing thoughts a bit on the topic. My mom did not like this and she quickly escalated things into a disagreement between the two of them. Anyway, my x tried to smooth things over but at this point she was sulking...something she loves to do when things don’t go her way! When I was made aware of what was going on I tried to smooth things over as well BUT I could tell that my mom was completely in her full ugly mode ..she made it very clear to me that she wanted my X out of her house due to the fact that he did not agree with her politically! At this point it was the beginning of the pandemic lockdown and I was in utter shock that anybody...especially my own mom could be so callous and evil as to throw someone who helped her out to the streets during a pandemic no less over something as ridiculously trivial as not agreeing with her viewpoint......so I then told her that I also did not agree with her political views ( I said that as a test to see what she would do to me) and it was then that she told me to leave too! I finally let her have it...I cursed her out and called her every name I could think of!!! My x defended me and started yelling at my mom too...it got really bad!!! Me and my x stormed out and I told her to never ever contact me again...something I have done many times in the past but felt really dead serious this time! She promised she would not! Anyway, thankfully me and my xboyfriend had enough money to move into a hotel. Despite my telling my mom to never contact me again she started blowing up my phone within 15 minutes of us leaving. I did not pick up the phone so she just left messages upon messages saying that I could come back but not my x...which continued to infuriate me! However, the next day she relented and left messages saying that we were both welcomed back and she’d like us to sit down and talk it out. ..but at that point I was mentally worn out by her and could not understand what there was to discuss!!! She had a breakdown because we did not agree with her politically and this was so horrendous to her that she felt the need to kick me ( her own daughter) and my xboyfriend out on the streets during the pandemic because of it...despite all we did for her!!! What is there possibly to discuss? And if we did move back in exactly how long would it be before she did something like this ( or maybe something even worse) again? To this day I’m still shocked that anybody can do such an awful thing to anybody...let alone their own kid and the kids friend! Anyway, she’s been trying to contact me ever since but I have not heard one apology from her!! The closest she got was when she asked if we can both make peace with each other. She had asked this right before she was going in for surgery ( that my sister helped her with) . I did respond to that message with a small sentence of “ good luck”. In response she got really nasty with me and accused me of being cold and uncaring for not saying more to her due to the fact that she was going into surgery!! She than said I was just as uncaring and angry as my xboyfriend is...so the email was about her attacking me and myb x again... So here is a woman that kicks her daughter and friend to the streets during a pandemic because we don’t think just like her...and I’m uncaring!!! LOL!!! At this point I did not respond further to her and I have put all her messages into my spam folder for now. I don’t even read them anymore because they cause me too much upset!!! I’ve decided that I will seek professional help about all of this and maybe get some professional direction on how I should handle things with my mom going forward...perhaps even going in the no contact direction if that turns out to be best. .
And as a side note to all of this insanity...my sister told me that my mom told her that despite her trying to desperately contact me since that time she’s not sure she could ever forgive me for not being there for her during surgery!! LMAO!! She told my sister that she was really only kicking my xboyfriend out and not me and she thinks it was wrong of me to not go back and help her at that point!!! So in other words she expected me to leave my x by himself in the streets during a pandemic and come back and play nurse to her despite everything she did!! And I can’t even believe that I’m even typing something so insane and disgusting now! But at the same time she also had my sister relay messages to me and my x about how she missed us so much! And If all of this is not the definition of an insane person I’m not sure what is!!
Anyway, I know this was very long but I thought it might help to discuss this situation with people that may understand and maybe offer insight??? In any event it did help to communicate all of this with anybody!! As it stands it’s been over 7 months that this all happened and me and my x found a nice apartment and we are getting our lives together for the most part. In fact, in a lot of ways our lives started really going great! But at the same time I’m still in a state of shock and appalled that anybody can treat their own daughter ( and friend) this way after all we were doing for her! Aside from when I wished her luck I have not communicated with her at all since that time and I really don’t miss her at all either...in fact I feel quite relieved to be away from all the negative tension she always creates! She has no idea of my new address and I want it to stay that way! She’s already started badgering my sister for my address but I made my sister promise not to divulge it to her. Anyway, don’t get me wrong...she has not always been totally awful to me...in fact, on the surface it may even appear that she’s good to me. She can be very sweet and soft spoken and almost too kind at times. She’s also given me cars, computers, taken me on trips, given me money but the good times are tainted with not knowing when she’ll change her mood and pick a fight for any reason..politics is her favorite topic to pick a fight about but she’ll gladly find anything else if that one does not work. ..and I think in the end she has done all these nice things for me with the condition that she can get away with mistreating me and despite my past attempts at distancing myself from her she always manages to find a way to weasel her way back into my life without ever having said she was sorry!! This time I want it to be different though! I just can’t allow her to get away with doing this horrible thing this time. I look forward to getting professional help on the matter but I’m curious how others on here view this? What would you do if you were me? Also...does she sound like a narcissist to you? Or perhaps bipolar? Or unstable? Maybe a bit of them all? Or is it possibly me that’s wrong? Did I overreact in your opinion? I’m very open to hearing any sides on this...even if I’m wrong in some way? Maybe there’s something I’m not seeing or overreacting to? I tried to keep this post as factual as possible even though I could not resist expressing some thoughts on her along the way.
Thanks so much for listening...it means so much!!!