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Mel d

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Everything posted by Mel d

  1. I just cant cope anymore with his abuse and enbarrassment. I have had depression since 2019 after I was raped by my daughters ex boyfriend my husband never believed me. I am now disabled and my hubby is my full time carer, he has a porn addiction and is horrible to me at times he will embarrase me infront of our kids and their partners almost mocking me saying I put restricted mode on youtube because he says little billy cant be trusted. My son came down to visit with his girlfriend i had not seen him in years because of covid, as it was a nice day we sat in the garden but hubby went missing indoors for ages, I didnt understand why till i looked on the youtube account he was only looking at things on youtube that were inappropriate. I later asked him what it was all about he just mocked me infront of our daughter and then said something really horrible and uncalled for he said well at least I dont have sex with daughters ex boyfriend, it hurt so much, he knows what i went through even police involvment but hurt me by saying that and brought back the bad memorys of what happened , I just feel now I should end it all, ive had enough and been through hell and back.
  2. Ive been given some wonderful advice by the people on this forum and I thank you all. My issue now is I usually feel numb on my anti depressants but today all I feel is hate and just cry towards my hubby, its been hell these 25 yrs of marriage and today I feel hate towards him for all the things he has done in these 25yrs. He lies, hes cheated once even though he would never admit it and of course his porn addiction which ive put a bt blocker on it to make it harder for him to access, im sorry to say hes just a perve. My life has been hell and theres nothing I can do about it because hes my carer. Ive just got to put up with his mental abuse. He did hit me once many years ago but I asked for it because we was arguing. Our kids will always side with him and I have no one to talk to but people on this forum. All I want is to get better from this awlful depression and anxiety. I just blame myself for everything.
  3. Thank you for all your replys he got his revenge on me by giving me gone off food, so had food poisioning but hes my full time carer so I have to put up with it however i feel.
  4. I feel things are getting worse and I feel im not helping but cant get out of problems I have, Because of hubbys lies and porn addiction has made me feel very insecure and im doing things to try and make myself feel better but i feel its not right either. Ive put restricted mode on youtube and its just making things worse he has this issue that im disturbed about but dont know how to make things better. Any chance he gets to look at a woman clothed or unclothed he will stare for ages even in books, its making me feel uneasy and he does the same thing when out and about, I dont like to use this word but its the only word I can think of which is pervy. How do I make things better and how do I change the way I feel and be a better person. I cant talk to him about it he always turns it into a argument and its all my fault. What do I do. I know my depression and medical problems arent helping, I just need some advice what to do. Thank you all
  5. Hello, ive been on mirtazapine on and off for 3 years its ballooned me so much I was a size 10 now a size 20 , I hate the weight gain but im being pushed to come off because my hubby says he wants me off it because he wants me to be slim again, hes not interested in my moods and how difficult it would be I have tried to come off twice before but failed. Hes now telling me what I should wear, I dont want to wear jeans, I just want to wear comfortable things. I just dont know what to do as its affecting our relationship. I feel that im not worthy anymore and just want to feel well again but Im not sure if Im ready to come off. Any ideas please
  6. Hello, Im suffering with it too ever since starting mirtazapine, its awlful its also given me a fatty liver, prediabetic and have gone from a size 10 to a size 20. I really need to come off it had 2 failed attempts and not sure how to proceed with it.
  7. Thank you Lindsay Im really struggling atm and I dont know what I feel anymore he will say its always my fault but I have been on mirtazapine for over 2yrs I used to be a size 10 but im now a size 20, Im not able to do much and I feel worthless, I managed to get out in the car hubby drove for a mcdonalds and then parked up outside pets at home and lidl to eat, I only ordered a happy meal as I dont eat much ,I couldnt eat much of it as my hubby was too busy eyeing up every female around it made me feel so worthless, its getting worse even females on tv, I just feel im not good enough anymore and ive noticed I dont want to watch tv anymore because of it it makes me anxious. I know I will have to try and except it but I dont think I can, it reminds me when I had my 1st child, Id just had him and a bath was being run for me and he said to me is that belly flab going to go away, I was gobsmacked, so I know my weight he hates he mentions it now and again. I used to self harm alot but thankfully I havent for 4 years, I want to get better but its not happening.
  8. Thank you for all your replies, I was blaming myself and he will never get help or admit he has this addiction. Everytime I try and talk it through calmly he turns it into a argument and blames me for my depression. I dont like arguments and I refuse to argue, I blame him for my depression for what he did years ago.
  9. Is this normal when your life could of been at risk for someone to do this sort of thing when you trust them or am I just being silly. I think its heartless how someone you love do that sort of thing when your rushed off in a ambulance with chest pains. No wonder my depression wont go away.
  10. Hello, Ive had depression, anxiety and agrophobia since 2010, 2015 I came off antidepressants but unfortunately had a relapse in 2019 with spine mobility issues and depression returned, ive been abused most my life trusting people i have issues with. Since 2020 Ive not been able to work and became very disabled with hubby my full time carer. Ive had issues with him before with watching inappropriate content and always promises not to do it again but this never happens, I feel im to blame because of my disability but what happened a couple of days ago shocked me grately. I called a ambulance out because i was having chest pains the ambulance said my resting heartbeat was over 125 which wasnt right was advised to go in for tests, I asked him to keep his phone open to see what happens, i tried to text him loads but had no reply, found out 2 days later as soon as i was in the ambulance he went to bed and watched porn all night. I dont know what to think and very disappointed in him, I had a good cry.
  11. I have had depression, Anxiety, Panic attacks, not feeling any emotions happy or sad as well as a lot of other physical health problems he has been my carer for 5yrs. I first started getting depression around 6yrs ago when he cheated on me with a work collegue and for finding out he was watching porn when I was asleep. Anyway I forgave him and he said he would never watch porn again and the last few years our relationship was fine no arguments. I then woke up in the middle of the night and caught him watching porn I was devestated I felt unattractive, heartbroken, not worthy of anything. I started to self harm to release my pain and then tried to talk it out with him I said the only thing I would ask to try and save our marriage is put a parental block on those sites, he was angry and said that I didnt trust him and shouldnt ask him of that. I really dont know what to do as I self harmed again and cant seem to control my disappointment of him as been married for 19yrs. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you
  12. Hello, I have been taking mirtazapine for the last 4 yrs, it did help with sleep, weight and eating but caused alot of side effects, after my 3rd attempt of getting off of it I am 6 weeks into withdrawl and its not been easy. My sleep is still erratic but have now started to get between 5-7 hrs a night, I am still eating, drinking and feel in control not zombie like anymore but my agrophobia and apathy still remains.The apathy bothers me more then the agrophobia because I cannot feel my emotions. The dr wants me to start escitalopram liquid but not sure whether to wait to see if the apathy goes on its own as I have heard a/d can make you feel apathetic. I have tried citalopram in the past but couldnt tolerate the side effects so I dont see the difference between that and escitalopram.
  13. Thank you both for your views on this, I have telephoned 2 pharmasists and have told me that it has the two interactions like maintainin has said in his post, the extra sedation but more dangerous is the seritonin syndrome which can be life threatening. I will phone my usual dr in the morning and tell her my concerns. Is anyone on this forum take this combination? Thanks
  14. Hello, I would like to hear your views on this. I have been on mirtazapine nearly 3 yrs, I have had chronic back leg and groin pain for 8 mths because of a slipped disc, 3 desiccated discs and arthritus, I use the tens machine, heatpad and high doses of co codamol, which doesnt help. I have really nice dr who I am comfortable and trust, she has always told me that amitrypline you cant mix with mirtazapine and she wouldnt prescribe it. Today I have another phone call from the drs from a dr i do not know and prescribed me both, I never asked for a phone call and am very scared to try it because of what my own dr said. Any views on this would be appreciated. Thanks
  15. Hi, I have been on mirt for nearly 3 yrs, but now i have a back problem, which i can bearly move , i have come down with the flu too,never had it before and definately wouldnt want to have it again,been in bed for 6 days with high temperature. Spoke too dr over the phone as they failed to come out and visit,they want me to take ibruprofen, co co damol, and now tramadol. Even though i had been told for several years to stay clear of ibruprofen because of a suspected ulcer,upset stomach. Has anyone tried mirt with tramadol. Thanks
  16. Hi, I have been on mirtazapine for nearly 3 yrs all its done is caused my anxiety, weight gain, hungry, depleates my sugar levels, my depression hasnt changed I have seen 2 consellors, 2 lots of steps to well being, and I cant understand why the depression is still there, I suffer from migraines, pmdd, low blood pressure, and have gilberts syndrome. I have been having problems with my partner for the last 21mths he can be very inconsiderate at times and since he emotional cheated on me i try to trust him but its not going too well, the counsellor I am seeing at the moment is thinks I have lost all confidence and is trying to teach me to cope on my own as I think she thinks hes the cause. When he upsets me, I get angry and hateful and self harm, he would actually watch me do this and offer to sharpen the knife. The other thing is I feel so numb im only on a small dose of mirtazapine but cant seem to feel happy emotions at all. Anybody else felt like this before, Thanks
  17. Hi, I have been on mirtazapine for nearly 3 yrs because of depression not been able to sleep or eat and weight loss, I find lower doses I can cope with the only problem with mirtazapine is unwanted weight gain, depleation of sugar levels which lead to lightheadedness. I have gone from a size 8 to a size 16, and was wandering whether anyone has either changed meds or had a suitable combo. The other thing is I feel constantly numb, I cannot feel happiness, pleasure, joy or any good feelings, just wandered if thats what these medications do to you, I have tried coming off it 3 times all failed why? Thanks for any advice.
  18. Hi, I havent been on here in a while but desperately needing advice, as you may have read on my previous posts thatI am trying to forgive my husband for emotional cheating over a year ago, but today I am on my time of the month which means I have horrific migraines for days, I cry, mood swings the lot, tonight I had found out that my hubby had been playing a game online he has headset so he can talk to people but found out that he had been talking to a girl from sweaden which is ok but he said she was a teenager and would talk to my son as he plays games too, but found out by my son that she was actually 30, 1 lie there, and not the first this wk, we used to be close and know what the other was doing. I have got a horriffic migraine and asked hubby not to goon there tonight, he just sat and was moody, I told him what the problem was and he shouted at me and threatened to leave me, so because I am so low I self harmed and he just sat there and watched me do it and said feel better then, I also have taken my maximum pain killers today and was thinking of overdosing, I just cant cope any longer with the way he is and the way I am, my drs dont care and say I am too complicated, I have 5 lovely children 2 have left home and 3 are still at home. I see a councellor most weeks, but I dont know what to do.
  19. Hi ThomsonCherry, thanks for your reply, I have been to my drs and they wasnt much help with my medication advice, just told me when I see my cbt counsellor to tell her. I have agrophobia and find it hard to go out, I keep getting feeling faint, lightheadness if I stand or walk for any longer then 5 mins, I am beginning to wander if I have some sort of vase scope. I have sat the children down and told them that I am not well again and they will have to do more, they said they will try but they didnt look very eager. I have told hubby how I am feeling and he keeps an eye on me.I have decided to go up a little bit on the medication to try and get where I was at before. I dont know when I will begin to feel any happy feelings or any positive feelings, have been like this for over 2yrs.
  20. Hi, Thanks for your replies, I had decided yesterday to just go up a little on my mirtazapine because of feeling suicidal most of the weekend so I have only gone up from 9mg to 9.75mg, was hoping to feel a bit better today but I don't my mood is terrible I feel alot of hate towards my husband and have now annoyed him by changing passwords on the computer, I don't know why I do these silly things, I just do them and I don't feel like my hubby is really handling my depression that well or when to call the dr for help. I think I should probably call the dr tomorrow because I feel so bad. My 3 teenage children aren't very helpful and anything I ask them its always a problem, as for hubby although he looks after me the housework is never done and I think he expects me to do it all still, but it hard for me to do it all on my own.
  21. I have been on mirtazapine for over 2yrs, have found out that lower doses suit me better then higher dose been on 10 and a half mg for about ayear with anxiety that differs from day to day, weight gain has been terrible so wanted to come off it slowly but when i dropped down to 9mg, I actually had a ambulance out because i fainted, they couldnt find anything wrong with me so the ambulance man thought it could be withdrawl. Since reduction i have become very agrophobic and will not leave the house unless i have too, i suffer from migraine and have had one for 3 days. My mood has never improved , i just feel numb or neutral and am never happy even though i want to be. I have lost interest in my appearance, children and husband, feel like giving up. My hubby had a emotional affair at work over a year ago, since then I dont feel the same about him even though i have tried So hard. I asked him last night if he wanted a divorce but he said not really, what does that mean? I want to feel better but i feel like i am not making any progress, i have had 2 courses of cbt and now on my 3rd. Dont know what to do next any advice would be appreciated. Thank you
  22. Hi, I have now had depression for over 2 years and anxiety for about 10mths, been taking mirtazapine all that time, My husband emotionally cheated on me which he said he didnt mean too, I feel totally numb to feelings at all the mirtazapine hasdone is help me to eat ,sleep and put weight on which it has ,I am only on a low dose as higher doses make me suicidal. Since my husband has done this I feel even more numb and I dont feel anything towards him like things were before, I feel that I am a terrible mother as I dont love my kids just care about them, as for my husband I feel hate towards him, I have tried to forgive him but cant. I am now having my 3rd cbt hopefully it will help. How long can someone feel depressed for?
  23. Thank you, I thought I was going crazy, He says that he wont go to marriage counciling, Everytime I talk to him about it it turns into a argument. His best mate says he cant understand why he didnt stick up for me, and the other woman in the next office actually spoke to my husband and told him that he is being cruel and horrible to me and to stop it. Word got back to the boss and he sacked him. I know that I will never love him as much as I did, I even told him that. I dont think that people really understand depression/anxiety, it is a terrible illness ive had mine for 2yrs now but I still cannot feel happy emotions. He has lied before many years ago when I was 17, I became pregnant and he didnt want his parents to know so he said it was someone elses, I was so upset that when my son was born I had a dna test to prove and funnily enough it came back he was his father. In court he still denied it to the judge but the judge had all the evidence he needed. I have certainly put up with alot including his family. Thanks for all your advice.
  24. Sorry but I disagree with some of your reply, why would he want to remember her birthday, if he could remember mine. He knows how sensitive I am he just wanted to get attention. Another woman in that department agreed that he shouldnt of taken his work home with him. Also I would like to add, I had a mot done on my car there, my husband wanted me to give him the cash to pay for it and told one price and when I said i would pay it the price difference meant to me that he wanted to buy her something for her birthday.
  25. Hi, Thanks for your replys, I will take advice, it is very hurtful that if he wanted support he could have spoken to all the mechanics he knows or his 2 other male friends in the office not some stranger that had only worked there a few months, I think he just wanted to play one against the other and as for not sticking up for me when she had a go at me that just proves his guilt. I will try to pull myself together and stop crying about it and be strong why should I suffer for his actions. It is difficult when you love someone that much they betray you. His best mate I told and he said he would always stick up for his wife, it just shows i mean so little.
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