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Jayj1870

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  1. I am a 22 year old male in my third year at a college far away from home. I have both Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Bipolar 2. My childhood wasn't as terrible as those of some of my friends. My parents never hit, molested, or neglected me of food, water, and things needed to live. However, when my dad left when I was 9, my mom remarried in less than 6 months. She met a man that we loved at first. After a year of their marriage, he began drinking heavily. Every night at dinner there was a loud fight at the table. If my sister or I slouched or did not hold our forks properly, my stepfather would yell at us and call us slobs. At night, we were expected to be in bed at a certain time, and if we were now, we were pushed into our rooms, or threatened with consequences. It got worse in the next five years. I began hearing my stepfather and mom fight every night, resulting in eerie quietness. The next morning, every morning, my mom would act like nothing happened and would keep me and my sister from bringing it up further. I was homeschooled for different reasons, and also had really bad attentional problems. I tried my best every night to get everything done, but sometimes, that didn't happen. When it didn't, my stepfather would look through my computer, see what wasn't completed, and then I would be punished accordingly. I was never allowed to defend myself or reason for myself. My ex-stepfather would drink a lot and do really terrible things, albeit ones that never resulted in violence. There was one particular incident in which he drank a lot. My female miniature schnauzer, which I became extremely close to since we got her as a puppy, was in heat and my stepfather insisted on breeding her, despite her disapproval of the male schnauzer we had. I tried to tell him that she didn't want it, and he told me to shut up, and then he held her in front of the male schnauzer and didn't allow her to move. She was biting and crying, and I felt like I couldnt do anything. Afterward, he put her aside and called her a stupid dog, and went back inside. Mom told me that what my stepfather did was normal for breeders. However, I know that breeders dont do that. He did a number of things that made our house really bad to be in, without hitting or molesting us. It's like he knew how to make us die inside without leaving any evidence. Now, years after he left, I am making a lot of bad decisions because I can't seem to cope with either my mood disorders or the memories of the past. Even with years of counseling and medications, I have somehow lost hope in both myself, my future, and the circumstances that we all face getting better. I have been using drugs for the past month, almost every day. Mom noticed and is furious about my misusing of money that has occurred in the past few years (I have been a compulsive spender for a long time). Mom's at her wit's end with me, and my dad won't let me stay with him over the summer because he believes I need to grow up. I feel like I am making a ton of bad calls, but I don't care about the consequences because I believe that life will never get better for me, anyway. One thing I see everywhere is that abuse victims have to move on and lead successful lives to the best of their abilities. However, I am having an extremely difficult time doing this. I am completely accountable for what I do- I know that too well. I feel stuck in a cycle that I know won't do anything good for me. I love my mom, and I hate that I do these things to her. To me, however, the alternative to doing drugs is fighting through every day, dealing with my thoughts and emotions while nothing ever gets better. In simple terms, I cannot conceive both getting better myself and life getting better.
  2. Throughout my entire life- from 8 years old until now- I have had different mental illnesses. My parents were always there for me and spent so much time taking care of me while sort of putting my sister on the back burner. Things have been better for her in the last few years, but I feel like it was my fault that this happened. I also feel responsible for the fact that my dad seems to care more about me than her; he never talks to her. He forgot her birthday three times. I can't help but feel like I should have told my parents to focus more on her. I'm sad about this. I really want to apologize to her.
  3. So I have been on spring break for a week now and I am going back to college tomorrow. I am really depressed and feel like I am not ready to go back. I'm 22 years old, and since I was young I have had transitioning difficulties. I think it's a part of my Asperger's Syndrome. I just recall on several occasions being so distraught over coming home from my father's house (mom and dad were divorced) that I would sometimes cry for an hour after I got back. I know that after a few days I will be OK. I just get irritated thinking that no matter how little I think about it, I will be depressed for a little while. I really love college, but I don't handle going back and forth very well. It makes me feel immature. Please, I would appreciate some comforting words :( thanks.
  4. Well your psychiatrist or ARNP can make a plan to ease you off of the Ambien over time, so there are few withdrawals. As I said, ask your provider about Trazodone. It really helps and all it does is make you tired; it doesn't do all the crazy extra stuff that Ambien does. Good luck!
  5. Ambien is a powerful drug that can cause dizziness and hallucinations; that is why I quit taking it. If you are afraid of insomnia, you might consider asking your doctor for some Trazodone. It is a sleep aid that has very few side effects, and I take it whenever I am having sleep issues. I wish you the best of luck.
  6. thanks for your post. I really can't join a relief group now, as I am working on my BA at a state university. However, there are charities that I want to donate to. I am currently going to therapy, but I feel it only helps so much. The meds I am on help but they don't fix the problem. That's what irritates me. I am sick of going to different therapists and having them tell me the exact same things. I appreciate your advice, and the time given by you to help me out. However, I hope you can understand my frustration. Thanks again. -Jay
  7. We all would like to do things in the past differently, but the truth is that the past is in the past. It is not too late to work on getting the most out of life. Just see the past as something that can't be changed and doesn't need to matter for your future. Go hang out with more people socially, and do things that interest you that other people also like and who could meet with you. I used to play a lot of computer games all the time, and while I still like them once in a while, I spend more time with my friends now that I go to a university. Don't spend so much time in the past. Focus on the now. Good luck!
  8. No, this isn't about love. It's about everything that is going on in such a short amount of time. Since I was 14, there have been numerous disasters around the world and a lot of other stuff going on. I feel completely sad about everything I've been hearing about, especially in regards to Japan. What happened was just terrible, and I feel like a part of me was also destroyed with the tsunami, as I went to Japan and I had such a good time there that I vowed to return. Also, my OCD has been very bad lately. My bipolar disorder is better with my meds, but my OCD is getting worse, even with the medications I am taking for it. I couldn't even focus on a fantastic play I went to because I was obsessing about everything. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, but I have asked myself a lot: how do people live with this? How do *I* live with it? It doesn't seem feasible to go on for sixty or seventy years with this disorder. It's just so depressing. So, I don't know. I feel like my heart- in regards to both Japan and my own problems- has been shredded in a matter of a week.
  9. Hey there, First of all, I wish you the best. What has happened to Japan is just saddening; it breaks my heart. As someone who visited there just two years ago, and want to return again, I am saddened by this and I hope that things over there get straightened out. As for your ex, I am so sorry that it happened to you. I am not big into the relationship thing, but I know how much it hurts to have someone abandon you for whatever reason. I am struggling to be happy in *America*, and knowing you are depressed in a place that I want to return to makes me feel concerned for you. Not concerned that you will do something really bad, but concerned about whether or not you will be OK. Feel free to message me any time. -Jay
  10. Hello, One thing I am afraid of is your desire to go to your ex specifically about this. Couldn't you get support from a family or friend?
  11. So I have been sort of between a rock and a hard place with my Dad in the past two years or so. In a short summary of background, he divorced my mom when I was 9 and has been in and out of my life. I feel that his lack of involvement while my abusive stepfather was around resulted in my lack of trust and anger in him. But I am not sure. Now, my dad hasn't called me in months. He believes fully that it is my responsibility to call him if I want to talk. He also leaves it up to me to arrange visits and such with him. He gets angry when I express my desires for him to initiate such things, saying it is my duty as an adult to do things first. He and I had sort of a fight recently where, when he criticized me for not arranging to come over when I was home from college, I argued that he needs to call me once in a while and do his part to plan these things. He got angry and told me I was the one abandoning him by not calling or coming over. I felt bad and apologized before ending it. The bottom line is that I would like him to call me once in a while or invite me over without me prompting him to. I see my friends' parents doing this all the time, calling my friends without them (my friends) asking me to, so it seems proper to me. I am envious. Also, my dad is highly critical, believing that the best way to help me is to be rough and overly critical in his outlooks regarding me. For example, when I was putting on weight after my medication changed, he *constantly* reminded me that I was fat and continually told me I needed to lose weight. It made me feel horrible about myself and he didn't stop until I kindly told him to knock it off. Every time that I feel bad about something he tells me, he reminds me that he never did anything wrong and that my response is a product of my own guilt and weakness. So, I don't know. I love my dad, and maybe I have some issues with my outlook on him, but I want to move on.
  12. So a couple of months ago, I met a friend at college whom I feel I have grown to love. I really do like her and I would love to have the opportunity to date her. However, I am also fine with the idea that if she is not interested, we remain friends. I don't think she likes me any more than as a friend, which is consciously fine with me. However, I found myself very sad about this. I wish it were different, but I know I can't attempt to coerce her into anything. She has free will and can like anyone she chooses. It just hurts to feel like she doesn't want to give me a chance beyond friendship. I am also frightened by what I'm feeling. I have never felt sad about this particular thing. It makes me feel weak and shameful. I don't know what to do. I wish I could cry so I could start to move forward :(
  13. I have OCD, Bipolar Disorder, and Aspergers' syndrome. Icky combo. However, I'm not really writing about those. If anything, ASD is the big one in this particular post. So I have always had difficulty staying on top of and remembering things. I have written a LOT of sticky notes to myself over the years. However, this time, I feel like I really screwed up. So, I will come out and say it- I'm in love with one of my friends. It's Valentine's Day. I was wanting to buy her some candy or flowers today, but I was very busy and haven't been able to leave campus. I am planning on attempting to get something after the end of my last class, but I'm not sure if anything will still be open by that time. I am defeating myself over not picking something up ahead of time. It's not that I don't care, I just didn't remember. As I said, I have a hard time remembering simple things, which I am told is part of my ASD. It really sucks and I'm sick of this sort of thing happening. As I said, I love my friend, but at this point I'm not sure what to do with it. I feel like we would be compatible, but I have another friend who may ask her out, and I am afraid of a conflict arising from me asking her out. On top of that, I get very very nervous when I ask people out, and I was going to the other night but I got so choked up I couldn't talk. Please, some support and/or advice would be wonderful :(
  14. I am also a college student (third year in communication disorders), and I experience anxiety. I rarely have attacks, but rather have episodes that are less intense but last for hours. I want to say that you are not alone, and that you should consider talking more with a counselor or doctor about this. There *are* things that can be done.
  15. I have OCD, which as is known, it is an anxiety disorder. Along with the OCD I already have, I suffer from pretty bad anxiety now and then...I would say about one or two noticeably alarming episodes a week. For example: yesterday, I had an interview for a Resident Advising position. I got very nervous just before it, and while I believe I did just fine, it wasn't until about 10:00 PM that night that my heart slowed down. I tried to do a lot to distract myself from being anxious...I went to the gym, went out with a friend, and did other things that normally work on less intense episodes. It helped little, if at all. I recall that it wasn't until I talked with my mom on the phone that I began to wind down. I even called my counselor, and he told me that I had to identify what was keeping me worked up and continue doing whatever possible to distract myself. The thing is that I very, very seldom have panic attacks- like, less than once a year if that. However, I frequently have periods of consistent anxiety that last for as long as 18 hours, keeping me up at night, or as short as an hour. I would almost rather have anxiety attacks due to the fact that they are very brief and result in relief usually (at least for me, and I have had some seriously full-blown attacks). It sort of runs in my family, most prominently with my mom and myself. However, mine is different from my mom's in that my anxiety is consistent and doesn't always have to be based on something that is happening. My mom's is rigid and is usually based on something. My anxiety episodes can also be trippy, resulting in illusions, warped vision, and even hallucinations. I was placed on an anti-psychotic for a while due to my hearing of voices and foot steps that weren't there when anxious. The anti-psychotic helped, but my psychiatrist discontinued it when the hallucinations subsided as I increased my dose of a mood stabilizer (I am also Bipolar). I'm sorry for the long post, I really don't know what to do about this. Thanks.
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