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Liliah

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Everything posted by Liliah

  1. Hello billjr, I am so sorry to hear you're struggling! It really sounds like you've been through a lot. I know how discouraging it is to have symptoms emerge and I hope you and your psychiatrist can find a plan to get you some relief again. Hopefully an increase in Effexor will allow you to feel better. The only antidepressant that ever worked for me is actually extremely old one (MAOI), so I can't speak to the efficacy of newer ones on a personal level. Besides, it is just so hard to predict what will work for each of us since we're so different. However, I know several antidepressants came out after Effexor, such as Pristiq, Viibryd, and Trintellix. Maybe it would be worth reading what other have to say in those pages. Also, there are on-label adjunctive treatments like Abilify and Rexulti as well. All that to say: don't give up! We're here to support you. --L
  2. Hello Cloudiness, This season of your life does not determine the rest of it. Sometimes when we have mental health struggles, there are times we are temporarily not able to reach our full potential. We have to pull back. In the short-term, yes, we may fail. But that doesn't mean we are failures. Far from it. From your post, it is so clear that you are a thoughtful person. Keep reaching out for support! You are not alone and it isn't hopeless. This isn't forever. You will find your path.
  3. Hello there, While I don't have advice for medication (best left up to a medical doctor), I am hoping my experiences can be useful. In short, I have been on well over 20 psychiatric medications, typically cocktails, including SSRIs, SNRIs, TCAs, MAOIs, antipsychotics, benzos, and so on. You know how long the list can get! Do you have a worry about going onto an MAOI? I understand that many do because of the potential interactions with diet and medicines, and because, all in all, I do think this class gets kind of unfairly dumped on as being "less safe." Judging from the side effects I've had on various medications (I suffer from Major Depressive disorder, severe/recurrent, GAD, Panic disorder, extreme Insomnia, BPD...a whole load of fun stuff), MAOIs have presented me with the least complications. Being on any SSRI was a complete misery for me personally; they didn't work, but they did totally hose my sex drive and cause me to gain weight. In one case, I won't say it caused me to act impulsively and very dangerously, but it didn't stop me from being in so much pain that I considered anything else being really viable at the time. On a more positive note, MAOIs changed my life (in conjunction with regular treatment for the more existential matters, if you'll forgive the seemingly pretentious phrase ). The first I tried, Emsam, worked for a while, but even at max dose, I experienced a rather brutal poop out. I'd never had anything work before, so feeling a medication give me that elusive neurotransmitter boost to totally losing it over the course of two months (and frantically being taken on and off meds to try to make Emasm work properly again) was not awesome. Ultimately, I was put on Parnate myself while hospitalized, and though it took 14 weeks, in toto, for me to stabilize (I did a lot of loonie bin sitting in those days...now three years ago, which is unbelievable, as time really flies...). I have been on as much as 120mg (NOT typical!), largely on 80mg, and now on 60mg since I haven't had a serious relapse since late 2011. I have had no interactions whatsoever on Parnate, and actually found it to give me essentially NO side effects at the proper dose. Never the slightest issue with diet, though I confess to being vegetarian since 11 (I'm 30) and vegan for 10 years, so that chances are lower. Yet, NO issue with soy or any of the other "no" foods (pickled veggies and I have a great relationship). The only bummer is the cold medication thing. You really can't mess with that, and it does suck royally when you have a chest cold, but that's a pretty small price to pay in my opinion for what I've managed to get back while on it. I will certainly say it has worked for me. And I DO understand about the GI stress too. When I first started Parnate, that was a slight issue, but it went away within a few weeks, and was aided with an organic colon cleanse (really roots, like ginger). Since then, nothing. My anxiety is rough, so I have a Klonopin script, but since I've been more stable with my depressive episodes and am doing some more positive life things, I have been able to stop taking it on a daily basis and now take it around three times weekly (1mg) at the most. It took a well, but stability is possible. I have "double depression," so my "regular" is kind of "low" but DBT has been FABULOUS as helping me understand how to deal with that. You WILL recover and understand SO MUCH about how. Be patient and gentle with yourself. I know how hard that can be... Anyway, I hope this is at all useful. I don't come on here so often now that I am working/back in school for another degree (distraction? Who knows?), but this community made a HUGE difference to me, and I feel a part of it, always. If it would be of use, please send me a PM! Take care and be well, L
  4. Hey there, Everyone has said such insight things, I don't want to merely repeat for the sake of showing solidarity (though I do indeed want to show it!), but absolutely can empathize with so much of what you're going through and have written. Truly and deeply. There's really no way around it: you're going through an extremely painful time, and though you're doing all of the right things (i.e., joining a gym, spending time with your support network, removing yourself from the situation [and not allowing yourself to be manipulated]) it will take time for this very real wound to heal. Three weeks is just not very long, at all, when you're talking about trying to overcome feelings of lost love. I know I may sound cold or sappy or both (can you sound both at once? Maybe?), but when I was hurt so tremendously and folks told me "it takes time," it was the last thing I wanted as it didn't feel very sympathetic, but now I realize that they were validating my feelings: saying of course I feel like a wreck, because regardless of what they thought about my situation or former partner, they respected and understood the enormity and seemingly bottomlessness of my pain. But also knew it would, eventually, get better because things would become more clear and subjective with time and distance, and not because the relationship ultimately "wouldn't matter." Of course it does, and a part of that stays always. But it, like all things, becomes past, and the future is always a bit of a surprise...and who knows (honestly!) what beauty there may be. I like to think there is, and that's why we keep on going, and push through what sometimes seems impossible, or just not worth it, to push through: for that potential beauty to bloom, here and there, enough. You sound like a tremendously bright, thoughtful, loving, and spirited person. Stay with those truths. Not everyone has them. With love and light, L
  5. Hi Anna, Birthdays and holidays--essentially any "milestone" that causes us to stop and reflect--can be incredibly challenging when in the midst of a depressive episode. You are certainly not alone by any means in feeling the enormous and consuming pain that these times can amplify, but having been here myself (as countless others surely have been or even are right now), we know that misery doesn't necessarily improve with company (though it does feel reassuring, at least to me, when others can relate). What I have found helpful, largely with the assistance of a brilliant psychiatrist (also conducted therapy) after over a decade of truly brutal or just ineffective ones, (as well as finding and learning DBT) is to take pause and remind myself that a depressive episode is called an episode for a reason, and that while it hurts so much at the time it is difficult to even recall less horrible times, let alone imagine ones in the future, this too is a cycle and we can learn vital tools to deal with a chronic illness so it doesn't impact our lives seemingly writ large. I realize this is probably one of the most challenging tasks one can undertake and is utterly exhausting sometimes, and is a process that likely goes on without end...but it's not impossible. Really. I am not trying to compare experiences, but I have spent a little bit more time in the psychiatric hospitals than I really like to think about. This was in 2010 and 2011. I still remind myself, when I feel that guilt over so, so much (a symptom, yes, but one that is one of the hardest; your post title struck a chord of solidarity immediately because of that word choice) that medical care, sometimes intense, as is true for many other chronic illnesses, is available for a reason. And it's imperative because it's a very serious condition, which we no doubt know better than many. I have been in recovery since, but am acutely aware of the fact that I am writing this at 5:50a.m. and my chest is hurting in that way it does, and I am feel...that somewhat nameless thing. Discomfort? Fear? Something heavy. I am far away from two years ago, but I get how it sneaks up. Maybe that's what it is: the question of when will it get better? Will it? Yes and no. It won't, but we will, if that makes sense. We are all navigating something huge. It makes sense that it feels so massive; so everywhere. But, Anna, the very last thing you wrote is one of the most powerful sentences one can utter in moments like these. Cycles like these. You have goals with clear directions. Allow yourself to heal. Something I am learning every single day is that just maybe life isn't as short as it seems. I am in the midst of returning to school with the realization that it will take the better part of 10 years to reach my goal, and that's after a BFA and MA, and tons of wishing I'd chosen this route in the first place. But I couldn't. It took going through all of that to get here. You know? Didn't it? The careers you desire make sense for someone who is obviously caring, introspective, passionate about learning/discovering, and assisting others. You will get there. Remember how strong you are. Twenty-six years of learning, and only more to come. Keep trying, and knowing, in spite of the pain, that you absolutely can. It will be worth it. But you already know that. Take care and be well, Liliah
  6. Hi there, Trazodone is one of those really complex medications, in my experience. I am put to sleep by it, more or less, but I am not on an SSRI, but an MAOI, and I also take 1mg Klonopin or my anxiety would cause me to (figuratively) explode. I take 50mg of Trazodone, when I even take it (not nightly), and that pretty much does it. Strangely, it was more difficult for me to sleep on 100mg! Or, if I did sleep, it was typically terrifying and/or bizarre nightmare time for yours truly. Is it possible that using a lower dose of Traz with the adjunct of an anti-anxiety medication would be a worthwhile cocktail to try? I know people get very "down" on benzos, but at 1mg of Klonopin—no more needed after two years of regular use—I can actually deal with my anxiety, so I don't feel as if it's any more of a risky medication than the others I've taken. But, of course, that's just one person's opinion. The plus side of Trazodone, if it does start working for you, if that it may ultimately boost your serotonin levels during the day. Then again, too much serotonin would cause anxiety and insomnia, so perhaps that is what you're ultimately seeing. I would give it time, and talk to your psychiatrist regularly to monitor your experience on Trazodone, and then collectively deciding on an appropriate course of action. I know, seemingly no matter what, these things take time. One thing I tried when my insomnia was actually debilitating was using more than one sleep aid (though not at the same time!). For example, one night I'd try Trazodone and see how it felt as opposed to just Klonopin or Ambien. I tried not to take anything too much; no more than two nights in a row, expect for Traz, which I'd sometimes take for a week to try to adjust. You WILL find out what's better for you. I know good sleep hygiene, really, is where it's at (not a particular talent of mine, but it's definitely true). Please keep up posted! I can absolutely empathize. Sincerely, L
  7. Hey there, I am NOT going to say there is an MAOI with no dietary restrictions because that simply isn't true. I've been on more than one. That said, I have never had serious issues, and the only problem I ran into at first was hypotension when starting Parnate. I now take 80mg. Nothing but positives to speak of. Emsam worked for me at 12mg only, and at that level, the FDA simply won't wave the dietary restrictions. I would NOT eat a bunch of cured meats and cheeses on this stuff. It simply isn't worth it. What it IS worth, though, is priceless: Parnate is the ONLY medication to work (and continue working) for me against depression—and that's out of more than 20 meds since I was a teenager. I also take vitamins, which seriously off-set the minor side effects (hypotension mainly), and I've not been sick but once since 2010 to boot! I have had no sexual side effects, but do confess to having an amplified sex drive (much better than the numbness on all the SSRIs I've tried). I'll take it! I do think there is most often something to deal with regarding medication, but as far as any antidepressants go, this is BY FAR the BEST in myriad ways...FOR ME. I would talk to your doctor though, as that IS essential. If there's any way I can help, don't hesitate to get in touch! Sincerely, Liliah
  8. Hey...thank you for the kind words. It means worlds to me that one can remember the influence of another for that long. You are amazing. <3

  9. Hey Syrinx, It depends on the person, really, but I can tell you from personal experience Parnate worked again for me (it's the only antidepressant to EVER work for me!) after I was in the hospital and ripped off of 60mg cold turkey (I was unconscious so I didn't know they did something so horrible until I woke up three days later). I was put on a mood stabilizer instead for no reason, as well as Wellbutrin (no matter how many times they put me on it, it's just NOT going to work). Once I got out, I went back on Parnate, and it took a longer time and 20mg higher in dosing, but finally worked again just like it used to. Now I am not letting ANYONE take me off of it no matter what. They always want to switch me to Nardil because I have very serious anxiety, but just 1mg Klonopin, split in half, for the day is exactly what I need to abate both conditions. It also took a bit longer for Parnate to work, and was nerve-wrecking, but hang in there! It did and does work again indeed! In solidarity, Liliah
  10. Hello all, I am happy to say I got into some really excellent schools in the United Kingdom, and will be beginning my postgraduate studies in psych next year. My partner and I (he is a British citizen) are in the process of emigrating from the United States, and I feel lucky to be able to study at an amazing university. However, I am EXTREMELY concerned about the availability of my medication, Parnate, at the proper dosage. I am my very best on 80mg, but have been subjected to taking only 60mg since moving from New York to Ohio to save money, as the doctors here are terrified of MAOIs in a way that is outrageous (I've been on Parnate at 80mg for several years, after trying over 20 medications first. I have no side effects others than insomnia, which I had before, and have been vegan for over a decade, so the diet is really a non-issue). I have been warned a few times that the maximum dose of Parnate doctors in the UK are willing to prescribe is 30mg, and anything else is VERY rare. I will be in a lot of trouble if that's the case, and certainly in no shape to go to school, to put it mildly. It wasn't until 60mg that Parnate was even effective at all. I have researched this non-stop, and cannot seem to find an accurate answer. I don't know who I could possibly ask directly (look up random psychiatrists in the UK and send emails? Doesn't seem like a brilliant system...), and thought perhaps someone on here may have some experience with this. If so, I will love you FOREVER if you'd be willing to share your knowledge. Thank you so much for reading this! Sincerely, Liliah
  11. Hey there, Speaking from a place of a lot of experience (oh well!), I've found Parnate to reduce my appetite quite demonstratively. Often I won't even think about food abstractly, and I need to remind myself that is it imperative I eat. Naturally, this is mixed with an after shock that never quite stopped after my last serious major depressive crisis, so the lack of hunger can probably be seen as the result of both. Emsam (at 12mg/24hours) did this as well, though to a much less critical degree. I am still on Parnate after a year, and have been doing better with it. The diet has not posed a problem at all. Yours, Liliah
  12. Hey there, Listen: relax. I understand how you feel. I’ve been tried on SSRIs, SNRIs, TCAs, and MAOIs (lucky #2 in the MAOI category was the winner!) and detoxing from medication is a hard and confusing time. I also had extreme emotional issues with Zoloft and weight gain (I confess: Zoloft was the WORST drug I’ve ever been on [for me]), but the weight gain was gone 100% in a year, and I was on some medications that seemed to last for a bit and then kick out. You are probably not in as bad a state as you think, or least it may not long be due to Zoloft but anxiety and fear. I get that and have been there too. Please go see your psychiatrist (NOT a GP) to discuss your symptoms and medical options. Together, you can try to logically sort out what might be most effective. As for exercise, I really love yoga and hiking. It helps physically and mentally beyond belief. You have to have faith you can pull through. There are a lot of choices out there: make your doctors talk about all of them with you, not just their “prfferred” drugs. I hate that. It’s a collective decision. It definitely sounds as if you need some anti-anxiety medication, so check in about that too as you work your way through this rough period. You’re going to be okay. It does get better than this! If you have any questions or want to chat, feel hit to holler. f I’ve been even a drop helpful (viz-a-viz solidarity), I hope that matters too! Most sincerely, Liliah
  13. Hey there, I have voluntarily committed myself to a hospital. In 2010, I spent 14 weeks trying to get well at a whole mess of psychiatric facilities. It is an extremely serious decision, as you no doubt know, because I learned that once you blow the whistle, it is impossible to “change your mind” or anything like that (probably out of anxiety; no one would get to that step and truly not need it. I don’t think anyone likes to go to a hospital of any sort!). So, I’m not going to get into that whole thing because YOU KNOW when you have to go, and just give you some feedback because I’m in NYC (I don’t know if that’s where in NY you are as you didn’t say, but it’s worth worth this on) and know the psych hospital circuit, if you will. The best hospitals you can go to are Columbia, Lenox Hill, and Payne Whitney (at Weill Cornell). If you have insurance, they will probably take it for inpatient, so check out your plan: where you would go in an emergency MUST be in your safety plan at all times! PLEASE stay as far away from Gracie Square Hospital as you can. There is no therapy, you are literally just warehoused (and screamed at if you can’t sleep. For real), and the place is nasty. I had roaches in my room, which is just unacceptable at any HOSPITAL. If you can’t get a bed at any of those (Payne Whitney is also in Westchester, if you’re up that way, and you MAY get to go outside there. NO WAY in NYC, but it is really not bad at all). You also have Four Winds in two places if you’re upstate, and I know folks who have been there and found it quite helpful. I hope you are doing okay, and soon will be on the path toward recovery. PLEASE take care of yourself. You’re worth it. Sincerely, Liliah
  14. Hey there, Trying new medications is frightening, especially because there are side effects, and we don't know which ones will quiet down and which are going to hang about for a while. I have been on a lot of different medications (over 20), and was definitely scared to try the latest one: Parnate. Alas, it was the one that actually worked, and I've been on it for about 1.5 years. I have a similar side effect (a ridiculously dry mouth), so I always have gum with me or hard candies. I can't stand how it can seem that I produce 2% of the saliva I normally had, so I make sure to have something hydrating on me. It really, really helps. Also, taking the correct vitamins and drinking enough water has proven very useful in lowering the side effects. My menstrual period has really changed. When I was in a full blown MDD episode, I didn't get it for eight months. Now I get it for maybe 3 days and its very light...but it hurts. A lot more. I've found Super B Complex useful, as well as lemon and ginger tea. But the changes are still extreme. I hope this is helpful at all. I definitely understand where you're coming from! Sincerely, Liliah
  15. Hey there, First of all, I think you better listen to Biz Markie's old school hip-hop masterpiece "Just A Friend" for the view of what I assume is the vast majority of folks, and then you need to ask yourself what is troubling you so much. Do you truly feel as if you did anything wrong, or do you feel badly that your boyfriend became angry over something you honestly hadn't considered problematic. If you instantly felt guilty, then perhaps you feel it was inconsiderate. But as for not hanging out with any friends who aren't the same sex: that's so strange to me. I trust my partner, and he trusts me, and while I realize that jealousy is a common emotional response, and maybe not one you'd even realize you'd have, but do. I know I've felt pangs of jealousy, but ultimately knew it was my issue to work through. It doesn't happen often, and usually means I am feeling low regarding mood and self-esteem. Why not have a talk with your boyfriend about this, and talk it out to see what you both truly feel is appropriate in your wise mind. I'm bisexual, so in theory, if it holds true (I don't think it does) that "things happen," then, arguably, I shouldn't hang out with anyone alone. And naturally that's outrageous and impossible. I wouldn't feel so awful considering you don't fancy this friend and your boyfriend's anger was caused by jealousy. If we refrain from having a night out with a friend just because our partners are jealous, we are letting someone have an awful lot of control without proper reasoning. I think you'll feel a lot better once you've spoken to your partner when you're both calm and ready. Sincerely, Liliah
  16. MrAlex, "The fact that depression causes psychosis only shows that it is a grave mental ilness." In a word: indeed. Thank you for reminding us of that! Very important. Sincerely, L
  17. Hey there, Thank you so much! What really sucks is that Abilify, when used with Parnate, worked wonders for me. I finally felt more even, as my Borderline conditon can also make me paranoid and even very angry at times, in a way I don't fully understand until it's over. And then I am left feeling sorry, so dreadfully and miserably sorry, that my depression starts to take hold, and that is ruining various parts of my life in major ways. Perhaps I can talk to my psychiatrist about giving it another go now that I am on a much lower dose of Parnate. I am also starting DBT again, which should be tremendously helpful, but after all of this work getting better, it's frustrating to have a newer, super scary symptom emerge. I will say I have been INCREDIBLY stressed in myriad ways, that the time lines are exact. I will talk to my pdoc about all of this! I have my appointment on the 18th. I live in so much fear of having another full psychotic break. Looks like it is high time to get with the meditation again too. Love and light, Liliah
  18. Hey all, I know I haven't posted on here in a good while, but I hope folks will be kind enough to chime in on this one. I have very severe Major Depressiion, BPD, GAD, and PTSD, and it had been an exceedingly dark time for a while there in 2010-2011, where I was hospitalized quite a bit, and a danger to myself in various ways. I suffered four psychotic breaks, two which were deeply serious and required medical intervention, but have been free of psychotic symptoms for over a year now. Recently, though, some very troubling things have started happening, and it has me acting in a way I dislike: paranoid, deeply depressed, and incredibly anxious. I started hearing my name shouted out in different venues. The subway, a concert, while hiking, sometimes ven when just sitting in my room. And it came out very clear and loud, as if someone were truly trying to get my attention. And it's only gotten worse. The other day, I heard people taking about me in a really horrid way. Mentioning all of the qualities they hate about me, and that I shouldn't have a job and such. I actually spent two whole days at work shaking with nerves and tried extra hard to be kind and aware of the folks whom I'd heard talking about me, and it was then that I realized they hadn't. The same voice was chastising me, and two slightly more feminine ones agreeing. That has never happened again, but the name calling does, with the addition of this really far-aware, muffled music I can barely make out anything to except the beat. It is very disconcerting. I am on Parnate (80mg) and Klonopin (1mg), and take either Ambien (10mg) or Trazadone (50mg) for sleep. Neither makes this better or worse. Has this ever happened to anyone ever before? I am definitely planning on talking to my doctor, but we don't have an appointment until next week. I am terrified I actually do have psychotic depression or something. Any words, advice, stories, welcome! Love and light, Liliah
  19. Hey there, Listen: it's a really tough job market. Sending out 12 resumes is nothing. I had to send out over 100 even though I have an MA in my field, and am going on to a PhD. I felt the same way, and got exceedingly depressed—but things do work out eventually. This is just the beginning of YOUR search to find something suitable for YOU. Someone gave me that piece of advice, and I found it indispensable. Instead of feeling unemployed and miserable and scared, trying to re-focus my energy and conceive of myself as someone who was interviewing companies as well as who was being interviewed so I wouldn't wind up in the same place of acquiring a gig only to hate it. I live in New York City and work in publishing, which is a particularly hard-hit market, so you may indeed have a far shorter search, but remember that this is a great time to think about what you WANT. It's your time and life too, not the company's and not your director's. And also, if you do have to take a temporary gig you don't love (I did), just remind yourself over and over that you are STILL searching, and this is merely to pay the bills. You will get through this period no matter how hard it feels. Believe me; I really, really empathize with you. I was terrified. I wish you all the solidarity in the world! Yours, Liliah
  20. Hey there, I know three people who are also not diagnosed bi-polar, but had Lithium added to their antidepressant (interesting, two are on Celexa as well). The reason was essentially two-fold: to enhance the effects of the AD, and also the possibility of a functional mood stabilizer preventing another major depressive crash. I can absolutely relate to your fears, as I am very sensitive to medication as well. Just remember that you are being monitored by a professional, and if you feel Lithium is not for you, it does not have to be a permanent thing at all. I have been on over 20 medications (including SSRIs, SNRIs TCAs, MAOIs, mood stabilizers, benzos, and anti-psychotics), and had often felt extremely nervous to try something new. and I fully understand your frustration; I have too be quite scared to try certain meds, so try not to put yourself done for being frightened. It is a natural reaction to be scared of something that we don't know how it will affect us: but remember, there is also an equal chance Lithium will be useful. In short, I hear you. I have been totally terrified to try new medications. But as you go up so slowly, you can come off of it if it is not helping. You are under professional care. If you have any concerns, it is totally just to talk to your doctor. I have refused to try certain mediations; perhaps there is another mood stabilizer you'd be more comfortable with trying first? Or maybe this is a good choice. Either way, it seems perfectly reasonable to talk to your doctor about your concerns, regardless of what they are! It is a collective process. I really believe that; that is must be, in a way. And here's something else: I am currently taking Parnate (an MAOI), which is the first medication ever to really, really work for me. Talk about a medication that people are irrationally scared of. As this was the second MAOI I tried, and I was not nervous this time (and largely because I'd tried every other class to no avail). In fact, I found the side effects of the other classes much worse, and the diet is not a big deal at all. I actually drink my 64oz., as it helps with my meds as well. Vitamins too! It really took any side effects away (except insomnia/loss of appetite), and, on the whole, I feel better. Ever since I went totally nuts, I haven't even had the sniffles. :) I hope you are doing okay, and you find a combination that helps! This may be it. You never know. Love and light, Liliah
  21. Hey there, First off, I am sorry to hear of the ignorant gender stereotyping you've had to endure. I am not trans, but I am bisexual, and I've essentially been told for the vast majority of my life that I don't or can't exist. Frankly speaking: only YOU have THE RIGHT to SELF-IDENTIFY. Those who try to label or slander you likely have quite a wealth of internalized repression and supremacy. I know it is tremendously difficult to ignore these people and these comments, especially with the onslaught you've faced, but know that, while your partner may be fighting for the correct way to support you, this sounds like a person worthy of speaking with openly and lovingly, with radical truth and care. Some people are not worth your time or energy. Honestly. I am unsure if NZ stands for New Zealand (though I assume so), and I know there are organizations that offer solidarity for trans folk. I don't know if they are near where you live (or worth while!), but perhaps you might want to get in touch! I actually edited a book on global trans resistance and rights, and so I have a few resources (though, again, I can't speak for the quality). And so: Rainbow Wellington (I do have a friend who lives here, Aand says they're good people!) Auckland Pride Center Gender Bridge (Auckland) Trans Advocates (Auckland) OUTLineNZ (nationwide) I would sincerely hope that these organizations would be able to recommend excellent therapists (I had a HORRIBLE one too; I've written about it on this message board. I know how you feel). Also, there are plenty of support/meet up groups. I know that sounds awful in a way, but honestly, being around other people in group therapy was THE MOST horrifying thought in the world..and, in reality, the best, most profound experiences of my life. I wish you justice and love. Keep your head up. In solidarity, Liliah
  22. It's remarkable, this thing. Static. Journey. Seemingly mobile.

  23. Hi Grace, It's never too late! My aunt, who is in her 60s, just met the love of her life—and since they're both retired, they travel all over! I met my partner when I was 28 (last year; I'm 29 now). The same year I spent 14 weeks in the loony bin. Definitely didn't imagine that would ever, ever happen. But it did. Life is unpredictable. And sometimes, seemingly against all odds, some light slips in, and it is beautiful. Even in struggle. As long as we're here, and fighting this thing, there is hope. Don't ever let go. I did. And I am lucky, beyond belief, to be here now. And it hurts, often a lot, but I now know it is worth it—because WE are worth it. We're survivors. Anyone would be privileged to be your partner—you are brave and sincere. Keep your head up! I will as well. Sincerely, Liliah
  24. Eternally Down...your post just made me cry. In the good way. Talk about inspirational! I am going to remind myself of all of your astute observations (I have not dealt with loss in the way you have; please know I am not trying to appropriate such pain). Rather, I will try to look at the recent losses in my life, which are many and varied, in a light that reflects the growth I garnered from the situation. You are a remarkably bright, generous, and beautiful person. Love and light, Liliah
  25. Hey there, I am sorry for the obvious pain this situation is causing you. I can relate to the feeling; how physical it is on so many levels, and how occupying in toto. There have been some brilliant moments of sincere solidarity and wonderful advice already, and thus I will try not to repeat it too much! Just know that you are not alone. That many have felt and feel the way you do now. And remember: this is nothing wrong with you as a person. Rather, these continual ruminations that cause you (and everyone, at some point) to feel such devastating anxiety; to grapple with self-esteem (as we all do); navigating a severe tendency toward codependence (more common than we probably admit, to varying degrees); and to feel critically hopeless are simply that: obsessive thoughts and toxic self-shaming. And listen: I really, really get it. I won't carry on (don't worry!), but I truly understand. There IS a way out of what is not "something wrong with you," but a learned personality/emotional trait. Have you ver considered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or—my life-saver, so I confess to being a bit of a pusher—Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)? The latter, in a very real way, is helping me to think better—and thus not only see the shadow but the glimmer of light. And it's seriously hard work—but so worth it. You are not alone. It may sound absolutely outrageous, but you are going to be okay. Really. Fight. Love and light, Liliah
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