Advertisement

RatBoy

Platinum Member
  • Content count

    2,523
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by RatBoy

  1. Apology?

    I have done this with specific friends and relatives - but I apologized for those manifestations of my depression that I know have inconvenienced them and made the relationship difficult. Most usually, this would be for things like accepting invitations or obligations and then bowing out, owing to my inability to leave the house or unwillingness to face them or the public. Or for their being unable to plan on counting on me for things, when relying on me would make their lives easier. These are the things I constantly feel guilty for, and for which I have time to time gone to those people and apologized. But not a generic apology for having a mental illness.
  2. What Are You Listening To Right Now?

    The Game - Roy Harper
  3. Me, too. 58 years old. The two women that told me they loved me - well, not so much, I guess. Reckon I'm totally unlovable. Part of me hopes... Another part KNOWS the opposite. (Pan's a decent word. Noun. Verb.)
  4. Have you actually been diagnosed?
  5. I hesitate to reply... usually when I give advice on here, it seems to irk people. But, here goes. * When I was your age, I'd have killed to look like you. But I've had a few girlfriends. And I've got an ex-wife. And most of them were pretty attractive. Go figure. * Parlay your intelligence and sense of humor into a rich, fulfilling life. Experience every moment. Let your smile shine! These things will attract the right women. The more you press, the more you worry about this, the more you'll turn them off. Be yourself, like what you like, excel at what you do. Best of luck, my friend.
  6. Please forgive yourself, as others - as you say God has. Would it help if you somehow atoned for this moment of madness? Tithe a little extra? Donate time or money to a women's shelter? Man the phones somewhere? You cannot retrieve a moment; don't try and don't fret. What you do next is all that matters. Whatcha gonna do, my friend?
  7. This. Why does anyone need life to have a point? Fretting and speculating and arguing over this unknowable prospect means time away from actually living life. An 80-year lifespan includes some 700,000 hours. Each day that passes ticks off 24 more of these. Live each of them. Breathe. Smile. Help others. Listen to some music. Make some music. Make something! Love someone. Tomorrow do the same. Tomorrow do it better. "If you are sweeping the floor, all that exists is you, the broom, and the floor." Anything else is senseless sorrow/anguish.
  8. Self-Care

    I'll take a quick shot at this... feel free to tell me I'm off my rocker if you like! What do you want to do with your life? What are your goals in life? What do you like to do? What is good for you to do? Are you in fact doing these things today? Will you do them tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year? I think a lot of "take care of yourself" is pretty simple and self-explanatory. Drive carefully, don't do drugs, don't drink excessively, blah blah blah. But, then, yes, eat right and exercise. You've only got one body. For life. And then there's the depression thing. We get down and unfocused and waste precious minutes, hours, days, and weeks of our life that we'll never get back, doing what? NOT pursuing goals, NOT doing what we like to do. Being hard on ourselves because someone else told us we weren't worthy. Well, you and I are as worthy of having a plan for life, pursuing success, and enjoying our existence as much as anyone. And yes, there'll be days when you disappoint yourself. We aren't the Second Coming. Don't blow it out of proportion by thinking that because we slept until noon and ate Cheetos in our bathrobe and watched TV the rest of the day that we're worthless human beings. Just do better tomorrow. And the next day. Just, maybe have some plans. And work those plans to the best of your ability. Strive to be a better person every day. If you improve 0.3% each day, at the end of the year that's over 100% better! You didn't get this way overnight - you won't get better overnight unless some med works a miracle (well, that DOES occasionally happen!). But you can get better. But you've got to do some things differently to get there. Take care.
  9. Coping With Poor Self Image

    Sorry - one more thought. And this may be the hardest one for us on DF to pull off. Know what else is very attractive? CONFIDENCE. Hygiene. Knowledge. Knowing that you have something to offer. A sense of humor. Body language. Am sure a Google search on body language will have the majority of us going "nope... I don't do any of those things" - those things that tell people that we're worth knowing and interacting with. How often do we give off "depressed vibes" because our distorted thinking leads us to believe that no good will come out of a meeting or date or something? And we slouch, avoid eye contact, don't sit forward in our chair to engage someone else? I don't have any magic bullets, and I'm in the same boat. But I've had a few experiences in my life that tell me that people don't give a **** what you look like if you've got something to offer them. During the last few years of my work career, I led meetings and gave talks on occasion. I've joined a couple of clubs/organizations in the last couple of years, and people LOVE it when there's common ground and you can either impart some wisdom to them, OR they can mentor you - people LOVE to talk about themselves and lend their expertise! I'm rambling. Food for thought. Best wishes!
  10. Last One Wins

    AWW!!! Ya smudged it... now I've gotta get the polish out and EVERYTHING!
  11. To think that my life matters to anyone else on the face of the planet... or ever will.
  12. It's Tough To Get Out Of Bed Now.

    Sorry to hear, Slashy1. Just a couple of thoughts - things I learned when I was laid off a couple of years ago... 75% of all jobs are obtained through networking. Assuming you're still in the same town, can you reach out to coworkers, vendors, or clients at your old company to see if they can provide any leads? Also, are you using online tools to search for a job, too? LinkedIn, Twitter, FaceBook? And many companies have career opportunities on their websites. What about a temporary firm? A lot of times, those jobs can turn into permanent ones/careers. In the meantime, you've got to do what you can to get yourself up and out periodically, otherwise when you DO start interviewing, it'll be all the more stressful for you. Keep yourself occupied. Pursue a hobby or do some volunteering. BTW, "I worked my tail off to get a good education and a Master's Degree for what? To be struggling not be able to make it on my own?" Everybody struggles at one time or another. EVERYBODY. This setback is only temporary - struggling at 27 may mean prospering at 28. And 38. And 78. Hang in there - you've got a Master's and you DID hold down a job. You're OK. And I agree with Jules19 - maybe a little therapy will help you sort things out. Take care - this, too, shall pass.
  13. "I used to care about what other people thought about me until one day I tried to pay my bills with their opinions." Take care, frozen!
  14. Advice From One Another

    Two things. Well, actually many, but I'll share two now. First, I'm not sure if I am genetically depressed or not. But I believe something I learned via my Buddhist practice. Our Order stresses the significance of dependent origination. We (rocks, trees, the universe, people, everything, but now, specifically, people) are products. Products of our genetics. Products of our planet's gravity. But more specifically, products of our time, products, of our places of birth, products of our influences - our parents, friends, enemies/bullies, teachers, relatives, neighbors, media. We were molded into the people we are now. Knowing that, we can look inward and take those unsatisfactory parts of us and try to "re-mold" them. To take myself as an example, I'm overweight. I have a poor self-image. I'm TERMINALLY shy. I've got stooped shoulders and bad teeth. And I'm pretty plain-looking. And I can't really help that last one, except for spending thousands of dollars in plastic surgery. But the other things? Heck yes. I can work out. I can go to the dentist. I can join clubs and do online stuff to help build my self-confidence and self-image. Because I was molded into the person I am, and there's no reason to think I can't remold myself. And this touches on the other item. I've seen this stated in many ways in many different places. I read this example in a book called The Pursuit of Wow! by Tom Peters. It's a business book, but there's no reason it can't have relevance to the rest of our lives. Peters states that to be more successful as an employee or businessperson, wake up tomorrow morning and dare to be EXCELLENT. Drop the old ho-hum workaday attitude and be the best widget-maker you can be. There's also a Martin Luther King Jr. quote about being a street sweeper, and sweeping streets as Michaelangelo painted and Shakespeare wrote sonnets. So why not be the best YOU that you can be? Wake up tomorrow morning and forget the drama. Go to work and excel. Don't mope around and talk yourself out of working out, or asking him/her out or applying for that job. What would it mean for you to excel? So start to do it. Hardern' heck to do it. I have horrible days and weeks. But I try. And I try. Times a-wasting, and you'll never get today back again. Or tomorrow. Take care, everybody!
  15. What Does It Mean To Love Yourself?

    Superb question! First, what is "yourself"? Body? Mind? Spirit/soul/emotions? And is that love unconditional? You mention being overweight. Perhaps you didn't love yourself when you gained that weight - I think maybe that's the case with me. (When I was in my early twenties, I weighted 185-190. When I was thirty-five I weighted 212. Now, after years of pretty heavy depression and a rigid couch-potato'ing regimen, I weigh around 270.) But you can be determined to lose that excess weight so that you are more mobile, more able to do more things (walking, running, working out, hiking, swimming, fit better in your clothes, feel better about yourself), and thus love yourself. Because not only would you be working toward a fitter, better you, you'd have that mentality that said "I'm doing good things for myself!", Maybe loving yourself is as simple as having a plan and executing it. A plan for life. I've thought about it long and hard and I want to do this, this, and this in my life. These things will enable me to be safe, financially secure, to help others, to keep myself healthy, and to ensure that I am loved and that I have people to love. No questions. And then work on it. Every day. To be happy with your decisions and know that they align with your plan. "I'm going HERE because it makes sense to me." I dunno.
  16. Sorry for your pain - but coming to DF was a good step - there are a lot of decent people here. Are you doing anything for your depression? Therapy? Meds?
  17. First Time On This Forum

    Welcome to DF - I'm glad you came! So, please help me get this straight: In the past you've self-harmed, starved yourself intentionally. You hate yourself and your appearance. You can't "remember the last time you were this depressed". Sudden loud noises are bothering you more and more. You are avoiding people and have to work up the effort to get anything done. And you are self-medicating with alcohol more and more. Yet you don't think you have a problem, so you won't go to a therapist? And you don't want to go on medication because of a risk of long-term use leading to brain disorders? You need a long, long session with your mirror, my friend. And then go to a therapist. My $0.02 - take it or leave it. But, again, thanks for coming to DF and telling your story.
  18. Gents, just means that the folks that didn't want back in your lives... replace 'em!
  19. Hello From Dysthymia

    Dysthymia was my diagnosis, too, after a complete breakdown during my divorce in 2001. Apparently I'd had it since childhood - understandable, given my history. Anyway, only in the past four or five years have I come to terms with many of the bad memories that life generated. If I had your DVD and pictures, I'd try to remember the good times during your wedding - the joy that your animals brought you, and try to understand that there can be a new mate, fun and loving times with a new animal in your life. You are capable of love and compassion, and as those cherished people/animals in your life were drawn to you, there's no reason it can't happen again. Remember the positives and lessons and look forward. Easier said than done, I know. Take care.
  20. Welcome to DF! I think others could speak to anxiety better than I, but the Sertraline would seem to be a waste if you've not had good results with it. Perhaps another AD with anti-anxiety properties is more appropriate? You didn't mention therapy... have your doctors mentioned this? Perhaps a psychotherapist can provide some mental tools for better coping with your restless mind and intrusive thoughts? Best of luck! Pls keep after this.
  21. What I Am Doing To Improve Life

    G, I've given up on the election. I wish we had some choices in between the Dems and Reps! Persevere, my friend. It sounds like you're doing just that. You were promoted. You may get a raise in a couple of months! In the meantime, keep enjoying those beautiful fall days, even if it's only for a few minutes. And remind yourself that things may just slowly improve.
  22. Another "down" Day

    Can't you see your psychiatrist sooner if your meds aren't working? It sounds like you are indeed surrounded by stressors, but you're coping. Hang in there! Your dad seems to be doing better. And you seem to have a good handle on your work situation - you've got choices to make there. And maybe now that your dad is better, you can take a weekend or a couple of days off and go somewhere? Or treat yourself to a life "cheat day" - do a little shopping and take in a movie and maybe do dinner with hubby? All my best.
  23. The Post Anything Thread

    Dammitdammitdammit!!! I've got a mouse. Or mice. In the house. Grr... I hate ******* living things. But I don't want diseases. And I'm not going to catch and release here in the city. :verysad3: Got some baits, have cleaned and bleached all round the kitchen and utility room. It's always something, isn't it folks?
  24. Most days I don't. But when I'm near the nadir of one of my downward spirals, I can ideate this many times per day. It's disturbing. Especially disturbing since if I had the guts to go through with it, I probably would have by now. But who knows what the future will bring... Take care, all.