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About ellen

  • Birthday 04/14/1977

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    poetry, reading, music, dancing, friends, art, philosophy

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  1. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  2. I hope you have a fantastic day :)

  3. Happy Birthday :)

  4. Thanks for the replies-- I've been on lamictal for about 6 months. I realized yesterday while talking to my therapist that the tiredness has gotten worse since I quit smoking. I am seriously considering going off all of my meds. Tired of feeling drugged up. Ellen
  5. Aphrodite-- Please call someone you trust right away!
  6. Hello All- I have been on several antidepressants for quite some time now. Currently I am taking Buproprion, lamictal, and effexor. My depression and cycling has decreased dramatically, and for that I am grateful, however, I have a new problem. I can't stay awake!!! I have always been a good sleeper. Never had trouble falling asleep (unlike most who suffer depression). When depressed I would go to bed for days and sleep 80% of the time. But I never had trouble staying awake when I wanted to. Now I am having trouble staying awake, even after a good night's sleep, and I suspect the lamictal. This is most concerning to me because I do a lot of driving and have caught myself falling asleep, and drifting into other lanes while driving!!!! HELP! I was taking my pills in the am, but now I take them in the pm. This doesn't seem to have any affect. Also, caffeine doesn't seem to help. Any ideas? Ellen
  7. I wonder what another kind of support would look like? I was so struck by this notion.
  8. I guess this is a pretty typical problem, but I could really use some advice, and objective reaction to my situation. Some basic facts about me. I am 29, divorced, I have two daughters, 5+9. I was married to a man I met when i was 16 and he was 32. Now I am in a relationship with a man who is 18 years older than me. He has two kids (14+17). We've been together for four years. One of my primary issues (that my therapist helped me to identify) is difficulty with intimacy. I am pretty sure that I have some form of attachment disorder. As soon as I feel like I am about to get really close to someone, I begin to pull away. I am doing that now. I am a very very closed person emotionally. I'm not cold, but I am not honest about how I feel. This is driving my current boyfriend crazy. We've had problems off and on for a while. He is a sweet man, but he also has a temper. We both drink a lot. He likes to yell. At times he's been verbally abusive, but he's real good at making apologies. My daughters seem happy here. We have a house, a dog, both have good jobs. I am relatively miserable. Then I recently met a man who I can't get out of my mind. He's more my age, never been married, no kids. I feel connected to him. Basically, I am having an affair and feel horrible about it, but since I am so good at keeping secrets, it hasn't seemed to impact my home life a whole lot (other than the fact that sometimes after being with this new man I come home quite happy). (one more piece of info, he is an alcoholic who is now sober). So am I just running away from intimacy with my bf of 4 yrs, or might there be a legitimate reason to leave? There are so many kids involved. I feel so lost. If I were to be totally selfish, I would go. But I have a hard time doing that. My bf and I differ on so many levels. We have differing life philosophies. We differ on how to raise the kids and spend the money. I often feel like he is a parent of mine, but on the other hand, he feels like another one of my kids because he can be so needy. It definately feels disfunctional. So my gut reaction is to leave and be on my own for a while (which I have never done!), and leave him to fend for himself, but that feels so incredibly cruel. I am also not sure if this is the kind of life I want for my girls.....I am not sure that having a mom who jumps from one relationship to the next is good for the girls either. Anyway, I am sorry that this is so long and rambling, but I need help. I need advise. I am drinking more now, cutting more, I am more depressed. Everything feels like it is falling apart inside me. I can't make a decision. I can't be fully with my bf because I am always thinking about this other man.
  9. Oh Nameless First of all, I know it feels burdensome to ask for help, but here, it is just the opposite. Most people here derive pleasure from helping others work through their issues. Everyone I've met here has been an incredible support, so I have to say, you chose well who to talk to. Second, I can also empathize quite a bit with your situation. Without going into too many details (we might want to ask the forum admin what is acceptable here), I too feel like sex is something I might have an abnormal obsession with. I have dealt with it a bit in therapy and have been told that I have a kind of attachment disorder, and that I seek sex inorder to feel love/intimacy (but feeling intimacy with a long-term partner is nearly impossible for me). It is kinda a catch-22 and yes it is driving me mad. It certainly feels like a need, and do some pretty bizare stuff to get that need met. I feel terrible about myself and my behavior which leads to many other issues, including depression and substance use. Don't feel alone. I know it is hard to talk to people about this. First of all, start with trying to be honest with yourself. That is the first step. You can work through this. I wish you the best. Ellen
  10. oh Struggles It does sound like you've been struggling for a long time. I would say that it isn't normal to think of suicide everyday. Those thoughts must make it difficult for you to function....I know this from experience. I used to think of suicide everyday. I used to have terrible thoughts, but since going on ADs they are fewer and farther between. I know you didn't really ask for advice. It sounded to me like you were looking for someone to listen. However, I think you ought to get yourself a new doctor. If you can't talk to your doctor about these thoughts, then it will be hard for you to get the help you need. You didn't say whether you had ever gone to therapy, but it sounds like that would be very helpful too. It seems you have a lot of unresolved issues around your father's death. I am glad you don't want to hurt yourself, but I know these thoughts can be extremely stressful. Please take care of your self. Ellen
  11. Here's a bit of a twist...... I am a woman, and for as long as I can remember I have been attracted to women, and men. I will admit that I've come to a point in my life where I look at physical intimacy as a deeper level of communication with those we feel close to (more often than not anyway). I have struggled quite a bit in my path to understand my sexuality and 'duality' as one might say. Even though I have always been attracted to women, when I was a teen I knew that my #1 goal in life was to be a mother. So I married a man 16 years older than me when I was 19 and had my first baby girl right after my 20th birthday. Though my marriage was rocky, I stayed with this man long enough to have another baby girl. Throughout this marriage I had a few relationships on the side with women. Some he knew about and some he didn't. It was never really ok, and it drove him to some mad jealousy toward the end, after I met Elizabeth. Eliz is a woman that I certainly fell in love with, and made love to, though she always claimed she was straight and could never 'be' with a woman. That hurt so much because it felt so right. Now I am with another man, this time 18 years older than me. He already has two kids. He can't have any more (snip snip), and I often wonder why I ended up here. I know one of my fears was the idea that if I entered into a committed live in relationship with a woman, my ex might somehow use that to try to take the kids from me. I get so angry with societies rules. I agree with so much of what I've read here. Who needs a lable? Why can't we just live in the way that makes us most happy? I also can relate to the idea of 'how does one talk to a woman to let her know you are interested?' I recently experienced a painful blunder in this realm. i took a massive risk and was shot down, but she was sooooo beautiful. It is all confusing, but only because of the ways we are TOLD to live. We know what we want. We just don't feel safe to express it, nor are we supported in going after it.
  12. Oh- It is so nice to connect one again. It has been a while. Hit quite a rough patch there, but I am coming out of my hole. The 15 straight days of rain that we just went through didn't help much either! Anyway, I haven't written much lately, but I am on the verge. Actually, I recently posted a blog with some of my poems and paintings on it. Feel free to check it out. www.learnjoy.blogspot.com (I'd love comments too ) I'd love to hear how you are doing these days. What's up?
  13. You log into the chat room hoping and praying that someone will see you there and take pity on you and log in too, and while you are waiting you check everyone's profile to see what they are doing on DF and see that most of them are reading the board index, and wonder "why don't they see that I am waiting to chat?" then you think "Oh, I bet they are avoiding me because I am a big pain in the a**", but you keep checking anyway because you are lonely and just wanna talk because you have so many things to say and no one to say them to.
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